We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED

Summary

In this poignant talk, the speaker reflects on a year of profound loss, including the death of her husband and father, and a miscarriage. She humorously navigates the topic of grief, challenging the notion of 'moving on' and advocating for a more nuanced understanding of loss. The speaker shares her experiences and insights as a way to help others embrace the uncomfortable reality of grief and to recognize that moving forward in life doesn't mean forgetting the past.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker experienced immense personal loss in 2014, including the loss of her second pregnancy, her father to cancer, and her husband to brain cancer.
• 😂 Despite the tragedies, the speaker maintains a sense of humor and a 'fun' persona, highlighting the contrast between her experiences and her public image.
• 🗣️ She has turned her experiences into a career discussing death and loss, aiming to normalize conversations around these difficult topics.
• 📚 The speaker has written books, hosts a podcast, and started a nonprofit to help others navigate grief and loss.
• 🤝 She co-founded the 'Hot Young Widows Club', a support group for those who have lost their partners, providing a space for open and honest conversations about grief.
• 💬 The group allows members to discuss a wide range of topics related to their loss, including feelings and thoughts that might be uncomfortable to share with others.
• 🔍 Through her work, the speaker discovered that certain phrases, like 'moving on', are particularly hurtful to those grieving, as they imply that the lost loved one's impact can or should be left behind.
• 💔 The speaker emphasizes that she has not 'moved on' from her past losses but has 'moved forward with' them, integrating her experiences into her current life.
• 🌊 She shares a powerful memory of scattering her late husband's ashes and the deep connection she still feels with him, illustrating the enduring nature of grief.
• ❤️ The speaker explains that her love for her late husband and her current husband are not in conflict but are part of the same continuum of her life's journey.
• 🌟 She concludes by advocating for a broader understanding of grief as a complex and enduring emotion that coexists with happiness and love, and that it is not something to be 'fixed' or 'healed'.

Q & A

What significant events happened in the speaker's life in 2014?

In 2014, the speaker experienced the loss of her second pregnancy on October 3, her father's death from cancer on October 8, and her husband Aaron's death from stage-four glioblastoma on November 25.

What is the speaker's profession and how does it relate to her personal experiences?

The speaker has made it her career to talk about death and loss, including her own experiences and those of others. She has written books, hosts a podcast, and started a nonprofit to help people become more comfortable with the uncomfortable topic of grief.

What is the 'Hot Young Widows Club' and why was it started?

The 'Hot Young Widows Club' is a support group co-founded by the speaker and her friend Moe, who is also a widow. It provides a space for people who have lost their partners to talk about their experiences and feelings in a supportive environment.

Why does the speaker dislike the phrase 'moving on' in the context of grief?

The speaker dislikes the phrase 'moving on' because it implies that the life and love of the person who has died are moments that can and should be left behind, which she feels is not the case as the deceased remains present in her life.

How does the speaker describe her current life situation after remarrying?

The speaker describes her current life as good, living in the suburbs with her new husband Matthew, raising four children in a blended family, and having a rescue dog. She drives a minivan and acknowledges that by any measure, her life is good.

What does the speaker mean when she says she has 'moved forward with' Aaron, rather than 'moved on' from him?

The speaker means that Aaron's life, love, and death have shaped her into the person she is today, and she continues to carry him with her in her work, her children, and her marriage to Matthew. She has not left the past behind but has integrated it into her present life.

What is the significance of the speaker licking her hands clean after spreading Aaron's ashes?

Licking her hands clean after spreading Aaron's ashes symbolizes the speaker's fear of losing more of him and her desire to keep him as a part of her, even in a physical sense.

How does the speaker view the coexistence of grief and love in her life?

The speaker views grief and love as not being opposing forces but rather as strands of the same thread. She believes that it is possible to love again and find happiness while still grieving for a lost loved one.

What message does the speaker want to convey about the nature of grief?

The speaker wants to convey that grief is a chronic and incurable emotion that people experience alongside other emotions. It is not something that can be fixed or healed completely, and it is important to acknowledge that one can be both sad and happy, grieving and loving, at the same time.

Why does the speaker think it's important for people to talk about their grief?

The speaker believes it's important for people to talk about their grief because it's a way to remember and honor the loved ones they have lost. It also helps to normalize the conversation around grief and allows people to understand that it's a natural part of the human experience.