How MEN MESS UP new relationships: learning to tolerate insecurity
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful talk, Dr. Orion Taraban explores the common issue of men inadvertently disrupting new relationships. Drawing on developmental psychology, Taraban explains the 'reproachment stage' in toddlers as a parallel to the early stages of courtship, highlighting the importance of allowing for periods of separation and uncertainty. He advises men to tolerate their own distress when not in contact with a woman, trusting the process rather than rushing to secure commitment or reassurance. This approach, he suggests, fosters the necessary conditions for a woman to miss and wonder about a man, motivating her to seek further interaction and ultimately strengthening the relationship.
Takeaways
- 📚 Men often prematurely end promising relationships due to misunderstanding the early stages of courtship.
- 🌱 Developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler's 'reproachment stage' explains the balance between independence and security-seeking in toddlers, which parallels early relationship dynamics.
- 🔄 The reproachment stage involves a back-and-forth dynamic of exploration and returning to a secure base, akin to the early phases of a relationship.
- 🚫 Men may disrupt this natural rhythm by either rushing commitment or decreasing the time between interactions, which can be detrimental to the relationship.
- 💔 Most women desire commitment but want to feel they are choosing to enter a relationship rather than feeling trapped.
- 🤔 Men should tolerate their own distress when a woman is not in contact and trust the process of the relationship's natural ebb and flow.
- 🌟 Anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship can be beneficial as they motivate the woman to seek reassurance and confirmation, leading to further interaction.
- 💬 Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon, as it removes the uncertainty that drives a woman to seek clarity and re-establish contact.
- 🔄 The separation and the resulting uncertainty create the conditions necessary for a meaningful reunion in a relationship.
- 💌 After intimate moments, a woman should experience a moment of doubt, wondering about the nature of the encounter, which can lead to further engagement.
- 📈 Patience and allowing the natural progression of emotions and interactions are key to navigating the early stages of a relationship successfully.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk?
-The main topic of Dr. Orion Taraban's talk is how men often mess up new relationships and what they can do to avoid the premature termination of promising relationships.
What is the reproachment stage as described by Margaret Mahler?
-The reproachment stage, as described by developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler, is a phase that all children go through between 18 months and 2.5 years of age. During this stage, toddlers explore their environment while periodically returning to their caregiver for reassurance and security.
How does the early courtship process in adults relate to the reproachment stage?
-The early courtship process in adults relates to the reproachment stage in that it involves alternating periods of togetherness and separateness, similar to how toddlers explore and return to their caregiver for reassurance.
What common mistakes do men make during the early stages of a relationship?
-Men often make the mistake of trying to collapse the natural rhythm of interaction in a new relationship, either by pressuring the woman for a quick commitment or by reducing the time between interactions, which can jeopardize the budding relationship.
Why is it important for men to tolerate their own distress in a new relationship?
-It is important for men to tolerate their own distress because this allows the relationship to develop naturally, giving the woman the space to miss them and wonder about their feelings, which can motivate her to seek further interaction and clarification.
What should men avoid doing in the early stages of dating?
-Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon or providing reassurance without actual interaction, as this can eliminate the uncertainty and motivation for the woman to seek further contact and clarification of the relationship's status.
How does the feeling of uncertainty benefit the courtship process?
-Uncertainty and instability can be beneficial in the courtship process because they create an emotional motivation for the woman to return and seek clarification, thus fostering further interaction and development of the relationship.
What is the significance of giving people the 'gift of your absence'?
-Giving people the 'gift of your absence' is significant because it creates the necessary conditions for a reunion. It allows the other person to miss you and wonder about your feelings, which can motivate them to initiate contact and interaction.
Why should men not rush to provide reassurance to the woman they are dating?
-Men should not rush to provide reassurance because doing so can make the act of reunion unnecessary and redundant. It reduces the opportunity for the woman to feel uncertain and motivated to seek clarification, which is essential for the natural progression of the relationship.
What advice does Dr. Orion Taraban give to men who are unsure about how to handle the early stages of a relationship?
-Dr. Orion Taraban advises men to trust the process, tolerate their own distress, and give the woman the space to miss them and wonder about their feelings. He suggests that men should avoid rushing to provide reassurance or clarity, allowing the natural dynamics of the relationship to unfold.
Outlines
👨🏫 Understanding Men's Early Relationship Fumbles
Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the common issue of men messing up new relationships in their early stages. He explains this through the lens of developmental psychology, referencing Margaret Mahler's 'reproachment stage' where toddlers explore independence while still needing reassurance from their parents. Taraban compares this to courtship, where men often disrupt the natural rhythm of togetherness and separateness, either by rushing commitment or decreasing the time between interactions, which can jeopardize the relationship. He advises men to tolerate the distress of a woman's absence and trust the process, allowing her to return in her own time, emphasizing the importance of not rushing emotional reassurance.
💔 The Role of Uncertainty in Courtship
In the second paragraph, Dr. Taraban elaborates on the importance of uncertainty and anxiety in the early stages of dating. He suggests that these feelings motivate women to return to men for reassurance, just as a child seeks out its mother. He advises men not to rush into expressing their feelings, as this removes the need for a woman to seek reassurance, which is a crucial part of the courtship process. By allowing women to miss them and wonder about their intentions, men create the conditions for further interaction. Taraban emphasizes that men should not try to reduce uncertainty too quickly, as this can hinder the development of the relationship.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Developmental Psychology
💡Reproachment Stage
💡Object Permanence
💡Courtship Process
💡Commitment
💡Emotional Attachment
💡Separation and Reunion
💡Anxiety and Uncertainty
💡Texting and Communication
💡Emotional Motivation
💡Channel Growth and Support
Highlights
The discussion focuses on the common issue of how men can inadvertently disrupt new relationships.
Developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler's concept of the 'reproachment stage' is introduced as a framework for understanding early relationship dynamics.
The reproachment stage occurs between 18 months to 2.5 years of age, where toddlers explore their environment while seeking reassurance from their parents.
Men often try to collapse the natural rhythm of early relationship interactions, which can lead to premature termination of a promising relationship.
Men should allow for periods of separateness in a relationship, mirroring the toddler's need for exploration and reassurance.
Women typically seek committed relationships but prefer to enter them willingly rather than feeling trapped.
Men should tolerate their own distress when a woman is not in contact, trusting the process and giving her space to miss them.
Anxiety and uncertainty in a relationship can be beneficial as they motivate the woman to seek reassurance and confirm the man's feelings.
Men should avoid expressing their feelings too soon, as it eliminates the need for the woman to seek reassurance and confirmation.
The separation and uncertainty in a relationship create the conditions necessary for a reunion and further interaction.
After a first intimate encounter, a woman should experience a moment of uncertainty, wondering about the man's intentions.
Men often try to reduce uncertainty too quickly, which can hinder the natural progression and emotional motivation for further interaction.
The analogy of the child's relationship with its mother is used to illustrate the importance of allowing space for growth and independence in adult relationships.
The speaker suggests that men should trust the process and not worry too much about the phases of a relationship.
The episode encourages men to allow for the natural ebb and flow of a relationship, rather than trying to control or rush it.
The speaker invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
The episode concludes with a call to action for listeners to like, subscribe, and consider becoming a channel member for additional perks.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion taraban and this is psycax
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is how men
mess up new relationships this issue I'm
about to discuss is very common in this
episode I'll discuss what this issue is
why it's a problem and what you the male
viewer can do instead so you don't have
to go through the premature termination
of a promising relationship let's get to
it
to understand how men fumble in the
early stages of the courtship process we
have to take a quick detour into the
field of developmental psychology
in the early 20th century developmental
psychologist Margaret Mahler described a
phase that all children go through
called the reproachment stage this
occurs between a year and a half and two
and a half years of age the toddler is
up and walking and is curious about its
environment the world is fascinating
everything is new and it wants to
explore to learn to grow to mature
that's the organic propensity of life
that said the child only recently
learned it's a separate entity from its
mother does not yet possess the
psychological concept of object
permanence and is very small and
vulnerable this is a tricky situation to
be in
so what toddlers basically do is they
run off to explore say the backyard or
different corners of the house in order
to satisfy that need for expansion and
growth but once they lose sight of mommy
once they're out of earshot they start
to feel insecure
they start to feel a little afraid does
mommy still exist did she forget about
me
and what they do is they run back to
Mommy not because they really want to
like spend time with her but because
they want to make sure that Mommy is
still there
and this is why Mahler talked about how
it's really important in this stage for
parents to be a secure base for their
children like Mommy needs to be home
base so that the child can come back for
reassurance and encouragement when it is
feeling uncertain and insecure and once
it's reassured it runs off and gets back
to exploring
so the reproach them all stage is a is
characterized by a lot of back and forth
I'm running away and now I'm running
back I'm running away and now I'm
running back
and this stage kind of approximates the
early courtship process alternating
periods of togetherness and separateness
and where guys mess up at this stage of
the process is that for whatever reason
maybe they can't tolerate the distress
of the woman's absence maybe they're
impatient for another sexual encounter
for whatever reason
guys try to collapse this appropriate
rhythm of interaction one way or another
that is either they try to get her to
stop exploring to secure a commitment
quickly and before she's ready or they
try to call her back sooner to decrease
the periods between subsequent
interactions
and doing either one of these things is
going to jeopardize the burgeoning
relationship
now most women want commitment that is
most women want committed relationships
from the men they want to have those
relationships with but they kind of want
to trap themselves in that relationship
as opposed to feeling like they're being
trapped by the men that they're dating
and let me tell you if a mother isn't
comfortable for whatever reason with the
child running off and spending time
without her and tries to call the child
back before the child is ready to return
and that mother is going to be met with
indifference or willfulness or
frustration
as hard as it may be the mother has to
tolerate her own distress in the face of
the growing Independence of the child
and Trust the child will come back in
its own time
and if the mother tries to accelerate
that moment through her own insecurity
or impatience she's going to pass
through a difficult time
by analogy men you have to tolerate
whatever distress or discomfort comes up
in you when you haven't heard from a
woman in a certain amount of time
trust the process and have confidence
that she will return in her own time and
if you need more help with this check
out my episode How to Love Without
emotional attachment
now before I go any further if you're
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your support
now let me talk about a distinct but
related way in which men snatch defeat
from the jaws of success in the first
weeks or months of dating
remember when I described the reproach
them all stage I noted that it's when
the child hasn't seen mommy in a while
that it starts to feel anxious and
insecure
and it's these emotions that motivate
the child to go back to make sure mommy
is still there
the important thing to appreciate here
is that if the child didn't feel anxious
or insecure the child wouldn't go
running back to Mommy
so what does this mean with respect to
the courtship process men what it means
is that though it's weird to say the
anxiety the uncertainty the instability
these things are your friends
because it's these things like in the
case of the child that are going to
motivate the woman to return
for her to come back she kind of has to
miss you to wonder about you and to
question whether you're still going to
be there
and she can't miss you or wonder about
you if a you don't allow her the time
and space to miss you and B if you don't
allow her to wonder about you because
you've already confessed your feelings
for her
as I've mentioned before it's important
to give people the gift of your absence
because it's your absence that creates
the necessary conditions for a reunion
you can't reunite with someone who never
leaves or who is not allowed to leave
women like children in the reposia mall
stage need to be allowed to come back in
their own time seriously don't worry
about it if you play your cards right
you'll miss this phase of the
relationship before too long
and part of that longing for your
presence should be a sense of wonder a
hint of uncertainty
men mess this up all the time they try
to reduce that uncertainty as much as
possible as quickly as possible they
text I had a great time last night I
really like you I can't wait to see you
again like good work dude
um it might be nice for a woman to hear
those things in the moment that she
hears them but what they functionally do
is they provide her reassurance without
actually interacting with you
remember when the child is feeling
insecure it actually had to run back to
Mommy for that reassurance and here you
are providing the reassurance without
the interaction and by doing so you make
the internet action unnecessary and
redundant wow good job there is no need
for her to come back to you to confirm
how you feel as you've already made that
abundantly clear the reunion is made
necessary by the separation and the
uncertainty don't mess with them
ideally and this is especially true in
the early stages of the courtship
process the woman should feel unsure
about how you feel about her
this creates the necessary conditions
for further interaction to resolve that
uncertainty like after you first sleep
with a woman she should pass through a
moment where she begins to wonder
whether that was just a one-night stand
she should think oh that's strange I
usually hear from a man by now
was he just using me for sex was that
just a hookup I thought he liked me the
date went really well huh
this is a good place for a woman to be
because it creates the emotional
motivation for her to come back to
resolve her uncertainties
and before I get any Flack for this
suggestion just consider that the
alternative is trying to get women to
come back before they're ready to do so
and we all know how well that goes
what do you think does this fit with
your own experience let me know in the
comments below and if you've gotten this
far you might as well like this episode
And subscribe to this channel you may
also consider becoming a channel member
with perks like priority review of
comments or booking a paid consultation
as always
thank you for listening
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