Self-esteem is Not the Answer | Heidi Landes | TEDxDayton

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker reflects on her initial naivety as a young parenting expert without children and later, as a parent of four, discovers the true challenges of raising kids. She humorously recounts unexpected parenting moments and the shift from focusing on self-esteem to self-control as key to children's future success. The speaker shares research debunking the self-esteem movement and highlights self-control as a predictor of adult well-being. She advocates for a paradigm shift in parenting, emphasizing the importance of teaching children responsibility and consequences to cultivate self-control, which leads to a more successful and fulfilled life.

Takeaways

• 👶 The speaker initially believed they knew a lot about parenting before having their own children, but their experience with four kids quickly humbled them.
• 😅 Parenting is full of unexpected moments, like a child going to the park with mismatched footwear or using a puzzle piece in a silly way.
• 😓 The speaker reflects on how exhausting parenting can be, especially when kids don’t listen or follow directions, contrasting it with the relative simplicity of managing tasks at work.
• 🎓 Concern grows about their children’s future success, particularly how they can raise responsible adults when they struggle with basic tasks like getting ready in the morning.
• 📊 In 2015, a survey of 250 families revealed the top five desired traits for children at age 30: happy, kind, independent, responsible, and disciplined.
• 🚫 The self-esteem movement, which began in the 1980s, was aimed at preventing issues like drug use and teenage pregnancy, but decades of research showed that boosting self-esteem did not produce the desired results.
• 👿 High self-esteem, in some cases, can lead to negative outcomes, as people who test high in self-esteem often include bullies, abusers, and narcissists.
• 💡 The key trait that actually predicts positive life outcomes is self-control, not self-esteem. Children with high self-control tend to have better health, financial stability, and overall life satisfaction as adults.
• 🏆 Shifting from a self-esteem focus to self-control helps children learn that they are part of a family but not the center of it. This shift teaches them to handle responsibility and tough situations.
• 🧠 Self-control can be cultivated through simple actions, such as assigning children responsibilities and letting them experience consequences for their choices, preparing them for adulthood.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial job related to parenting?

The speaker's initial job was 'Dementor moms,' a role where they provided advice on parenting despite not having children of their own at the time.

How many children does the speaker have?

The speaker has four children.

What was one unexpected situation the speaker encountered with her child?

One unexpected situation was when her seven-year-old went to the park for a hike with no shoes, just one sock and one flip-flop.

What did the speaker's child do with a puzzle of the United States that surprised her?

Her three-year-old stuck his finger in his nose, pulled it out, and said 'Hey look mom, Arkansas' while working on a floor puzzle of the United States.

What did the speaker find more exhausting: work or parenting?

The speaker found parenting more exhausting because, unlike at work, she had to be nice, beg, or bribe her children to do things.

What did the speaker and her husband become after searching for answers to their parenting questions?

The speaker and her husband became parent coaches after discovering what they believed to be a parenting revolution.

What did the survey of 250 families reveal as the five words parents want to describe their children at age 30?

The survey revealed that parents want their children to be described as 'happy,' 'kind,' 'independent,' 'responsible,' and 'disciplined' at age 30.

What did psychologists in the 1980s conclude about high self-esteem?

Psychologists in the 1980s concluded that high self-esteem would be the antidote to crime, teenage pregnancy, and drug abuse, leading to the self-esteem movement.

What did Dr. Roy Baumeister and his colleagues find after decades of research on self-esteem?

Dr. Roy Baumeister and his colleagues found that promoting high self-esteem does not prevent negative behaviors such as smoking, drinking, drug use, or early sexual activity, and might promote narcissism.

What childhood trait was found to predict positive outcomes in life?

Self-control was found to be the childhood trait that predicts positive outcomes in life, such as being less likely to have drug and alcohol problems, being financially stable, and being satisfied with life.

How can parents help their children develop greater self-control?

Parents can help their children develop greater self-control by giving them real responsibilities, teaching them that bad choices lead to bad outcomes, and expecting them to fulfill their duties even when they don't feel like it.