Dark, dangerous, no light
Summary
TLDRIn this episode of the Shan for Real podcast, Shan shares his personal struggle with suicidal thoughts and the daily risk of suicide. He recounts a humiliating experience that intensified his suicidal ideation and compares living with these thoughts to crossing the I55 Bridge in Memphis at night—dark, dangerous, and with no lights. Shan emphasizes the importance of talking about suicide, dispelling the stigma, and assures listeners that they are loved, valuable, and not alone. He concludes with a message of hope, mentioning a friend's five-year sobriety milestone, and encourages viewers to seek help and support.
Takeaways
- 😔 The podcast host, Shan, shares his ongoing struggle with suicidal thoughts and the daily risk he feels.
- 🔪 Shan admits to having a plan and items in his bag in case he decides to act on his suicidal urges.
- 🐟 He discusses a humiliating incident involving a woman he met on Instagram, which intensified his suicidal ideation.
- 🌉 Shan uses the metaphor of crossing the I55 Bridge at night to describe the darkness and danger of living with suicidal thoughts.
- 🤔 He ponders existential questions like being unlovable and not good enough, which are common in severe depression.
- 📞 Shan mentions the concern of loved ones, who might fear the worst when they can't reach him.
- 🗣️ He emphasizes the importance of talking about suicide and not ignoring it, as it happens every 40 seconds.
- 🙏 Shan credits his faith in God and Jesus Christ as a source of strength and hope in his darkest moments.
- 💔 The podcast also touches on the pain of feeling like a burden and the struggle to feel wanted and loved.
- 🎯 Shan's ultimate message is one of hope, love, and the importance of acknowledging and addressing suicidal thoughts.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the podcast episode described in the transcript?
-The main theme of the podcast episode is the personal experience of living with suicidal thoughts and the impact of such thoughts on the individual's daily life.
Why does the podcast host mention the I55 Bridge in Memphis?
-The podcast host uses the I55 Bridge as a metaphor for living with suicidal thoughts, describing it as dark, dangerous, and cramped, similar to the feelings one experiences when at risk of suicide.
What significant event happened in the host's life in 2020, 2021, and 2022 that reignited the desire to end his life?
-The host was catfished and swindled out of money by a woman he met on Instagram, which led to feelings of humiliation and embarrassment, reigniting his desire to end his life.
How does the host describe the experience of being at risk for suicide every day?
-The host describes it as crossing the I55 Bridge at night, which is dark, dangerous, and cramped, with no lights except for those from cars and trucks.
What question does the host ask himself when in a severe state of depression?
-The host asks himself why he is not good enough for anybody, questioning his desirability, lovability, and worthiness.
Who is Kevin Hines and why is he mentioned in the podcast?
-Kevin Hines is a man who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. He is mentioned as an example of someone who experienced an immediate moment of regret and survived, illustrating the potential for hope and change.
What does the host suggest is a crucial part of dealing with suicidal thoughts?
-The host suggests that managing and fighting suicidal thoughts every day is crucial, emphasizing the importance of ongoing mental effort to overcome them.
Why does the host believe his friend's gun didn't fire when he attempted to end his life?
-The host believes it was an act of God that his friend's gun didn't fire, suggesting a higher power's intervention and the importance of faith in difficult times.
What message does the host want to convey to his audience about suicide?
-The host wants to convey that suicide should not be ignored, that people are loved and not a burden, and that there is always hope with God's presence.
What does the host hope to achieve by sharing his story and experiences?
-The host hopes to inspire people, spark conversations about suicide, and show that God is always present, providing hope and support even in the darkest times.
Outlines
😔 Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts
Shan for Real opens up about his daily struggle with suicidal thoughts, revealing that he carries items in his bag in case he gets the urge to end his life. He recounts sharing his story at a suicide prevention walk, where he detailed the rekindling of his suicidal ideation after being swindled out of money by someone he met on Instagram. He expresses humiliation and anger towards himself for not seeing the scam coming and considers the impact of such experiences on his mental state.
🌉 Living with Suicidal Ideation
Shan for Real compares living with suicidal thoughts to crossing the I55 Bridge in Memphis at night, which he finds terrifying due to its shape and lack of lights, symbolizing the darkness and danger he feels. He discusses the self-doubt and feelings of unlovability that often accompany severe depression, sharing a personal anecdote about a relationship that ended abruptly, leading him to question his self-worth and consider suicide.
📞 The Impact of Suicidal Thoughts on Loved Ones
The podcaster shares his concern for those who worry about him, using the example of Kevin Hines, a man who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and now speaks about his experience. Shan talks about a time when his mother was alarmed by his absence and the state of his room, fearing the worst. He emphasizes the importance of communication and the relief his mother felt when he assured her he was safe, highlighting the ripple effect of suicidal thoughts on family and friends.
🔫 Near-Death Experiences and the Role of Faith
Shan recounts a friend's story of a failed suicide attempt, where a gun didn't fire despite being used. He attributes this to divine intervention and a sign of God's presence. He shares his own moments of suicidal ideation and how he believes God has been with him through it all. The narrative serves as a testament to the power of faith and the importance of recognizing the value of one's own life.
🙏 Raising Awareness and Finding Hope
In this paragraph, Shan for Real emphasizes the need to talk about suicide openly and not ignore it as a societal issue. He shares statistics about the frequency of suicide and argues for increased awareness and conversation. He concludes with a message of hope, love, and the importance of recognizing one's own worth, encouraging viewers to seek help and support, and reminding them that they are not alone.
🎉 Celebrating Sobriety and Overcoming Challenges
Shan for Real concludes the podcast by celebrating a friend's five years of sobriety from meth addiction, acknowledging the significant achievement and the struggles that come with it. He uses this story to inspire hope and resilience, showing that it's possible to overcome even the most challenging circumstances. The podcast ends on a positive note, with music playing in the background.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Suicidal thoughts
💡Suicide prevention
💡Depression
💡Humiliation
💡Self-harm
💡Bridge
💡Desirability
💡Sobriety
💡God
💡Regret
💡Support
Highlights
Introduction to the podcast and acknowledgment of the constant presence of God.
The host shares personal struggles with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.
Mention of a past suicide attempt and the携带的物品 in preparation for it.
Recounting the experience at a suicide prevention walk and the impact of past events in 2020, 2021, and 2022.
The devastating emotional effects of being catfished and swindled out of money.
A vivid analogy comparing living with suicidal thoughts to crossing the I55 Bridge in Memphis at night.
Reflections on the question 'Why am I not good enough for anybody?' which arises from depression.
The story of a young lady who ghosted the host, leading to deeper feelings of unworthiness.
The realization that the host's life matters and the importance of not being a burden to others.
The story of Kevin Hines, who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, and the instant regret he felt.
The concern and worry from loved ones when they fear someone might attempt suicide.
A personal anecdote from 2012, described as the darkest year, and the height of suicidal ideation.
The importance of managing and fighting suicidal thoughts every day.
A friend's story of a failed suicide attempt, possibly due to divine intervention.
The message that God is always present and the significance of faith in overcoming suicidal thoughts.
A call to action to talk more about suicide and to not ignore it as a serious issue.
A reminder to the audience that they are loved, they matter, and they are not a burden.
Closing thoughts and a special mention of someone celebrating five years of sobriety.
Transcripts
[Music]
h
[Music]
good day welcome to another episode of
the Shan for real podcast I am Shan for
real God is great all the time all the
time God is great let's not waste no
more time let's get right into it so
um what is it like
to live with suu with so idle thoughts
every day okay what is it like to live
with who idle thoughts for those of you
[Music]
who watch my channel regularly um you
know that I'm at risk of suicide every
day I'm at risk for suicide every day to
the ones who are
new
um now you know I'm at risk for
suicide every sing every single day okay
I'm at risk for every I'm at risk of
suicide every single day
okay um
because I attempt it okay I attempt it I
self
hared
um I did carry um some um things in my
bag
um not going to say what those things
were not going to say what those things
were did carry some things in my um in
my gym bag
just in case I
um just in case I got
um just in case I got the
urge
um so um I'm going to do my best to give
you all the um Cliff Notes not the story
okay but um in the process of giving
youall the cliff notes I may tell y'all
story okay but I'll try to okay
so
um I was talking at the suicide
prevention walk telling my
story to
um the hundreds of people who were get
haed out at the U Suicide Prevention
walk here in Memphis last year and I
mentioned that
um I went through
some
things in 2020
82 and
20283 that
really
reignited that reignite
it that desire to end her life okay it
reunited that desire to end My Life
um so um we'll just start there
um met a woman on
Instagram claim she was a follower G
Jesus
Christ and
um got cat hatfish swindled out of
money
and that was the thing that I was
talking about at the suicide prevention
walk last year as I was telling my
story and I called
her and I called her every nasty name in
the book that I could think of
and that's what I thought of her because
of what she
did and that was
humiliating that was humiliating that
was
embarrassing that I could not see that
coming I was humiliated I was
embarrassed by my part on my
part and I was angry at myself
myself and um far as I I was concerned I
couldn't be here here no more I couldn't
be here no more I was too hum I was too
humiliated by what just had
happened I was just too humilated by
what just
happened so I wanted to end my
life but I
didn't
um I said um I asked a question to you
the people what
what what's it like living with Suicidal
Thoughts every single day or being at
risk of su suicide every s single day
you may I know for you
people you may have your takes on um
what it's
like every
day
um for
me my take is yes what's it like to live
with suicidal thoughts and um be at risk
of suicide every day
okay it's like crossing the I55 Bridge
here in Memphis
okay it's like crossing the I55 Bridge
here in Memphis at night okay the bridge
that divides Arkansas and T in the
sea um that bridge has always scared the
hell out of me the shape of that bridge
has always scared the hell out of
me scared the hell out of me even during
the day even during the day the shape of
that bridge just scared
the I'mma drop a f bomb here I'm about
to drop a f bomb
here Crossing that bridge during the day
scared the [ __ ] out of me because of the
way that that bridge with
shaped and it's still virtually the same
shape it was in
1949 as it is today in
20284 okay that bridge has been sent
there since
1949
okay yeah yeah so I hear they're going
to um I here they're going to build a um
new I55 bridge to supplant That Old
Bridge
okay but um back to ain't a
point SL crossing the I55
bridge at
night there are no lights on that bridge
there are no lights on the I55 bridge at
night the only lights are from Cars and
Trucks the only lights on that bridge
are from cars and trucks and the lanes
ain't nothing but
that
big that is one of the most cramped
Bridges and I55 is a cramped Bridge Okay
on both sides going into Arkansas the
lanes are cramped coming back into
tenness SE the lanes are cramped
okay so it's like crossing the I55
bridge at
night it's
dark dangerous no
lights that's what it's like
for me personally to
live with being at the risk of
suicide living suicidal suicidal
ideation every day
okay
um one of the things that people ask
themselves when they're um in a severe
state of depression is why am I not good
enough for anybody
okay why am I not good enough for
anybody
and I just so happen to ask myself this
question a short while
ago um there was this young lady I was
talking to okay it was this young lady I
was talking
to
and Christian
woman um
loves Jesus goes to
church and
um I really felt it was going to going
somewhere then all of a sudden bam
ghosted I guess that's a new way to tell
telling people that I'm not interested
in you know more that's a new way in
20204
I
guess but um yeah it stopped
ghosted so you begin to ask
yourself what am I do who wrong why am I
not good good
enough am I not desire am I not
desirable am I am I that
unlovable okay am am I am I just
that
unwanted am I just that unwant
haunted and
um you ask yourself those qu
questions I believed
him and
thought about it was s because I didn't
want to because I didn't want
to be a burden to anybody
and
um I was saying to myself in the had
time what's the point of being e here if
I'm not desirable if I'm not loved if
I'm if I'm not desirable if I'm not
loved if I'm not wanted what's the point
to be he in
here what's the point to be he in here I
might as well go ahead and end it now
because they won't
care okay they won't
care these are the
things this is what it's like to live
with suicidal
thoughts and um we at to risk of suicide
every day
Okay Kevin Hines
guy who jumped off the go hold and Gate
Bridge
okay I can remember him saying um the
moment he jumped it was a instant moment
of regret he was just hoping that guy
would
him as he
jumped um there was eventually a whale
in the ocean that ran up under
him
okay there was eventually a whale in the
ocean that ran up that swam up under him
so the whale was holding him up the
whole
time the whale was holding him up the
whole time and he
survived broken bones
injuries his dad said hey when you get
hit better you got to talk about
this you got to talk talk about this and
Kevin Hines also says
that
um when he calls his dad or when his dad
gets a pH on call he says his dad gets
nervous because he thinks his son
might have a tempted
again he thinks his son might have a
tempted
again
yeah
yeah
yeah
so um
yeah so
HEB
you yeah so there are certain people out
there who worry about
you there are certain people out there
who worry about you when
you
um when they get hit a phone call they
may think it's something about you okay
may thinking something about about you
um I can
remember a few months ago
okay a few months ago um when I
was moving out but didn't quite work out
the way that I want um that I was hoping
it would
um
but I
remember I was at work one night okay I
was at at work one
night
and
um when I got off and when I got hot off
work and now I was going into my second
job okay and I was going into my second
job I saw that I had six phone
calls I saw that that I had six phone
calls from my high Mom
okay
and she was thinking the worst and she
thought the
worst she thought the
worst mhm she thought the absolute
worst because my space was like
completely cleaned out
and she thought the absolute
worst
yeah so I ended up
um so I um ended up texting her back
saying
hey I'm at work I'm moving out of the
house then the level of concern went way
down
okay level of concern went way
down
okay
so 2022 may have been I'm
2022 2012 may have been the darkest year
for
me
mentally 22 may have been the darkest
year for me manually I was in such a bad
place Place
mentally when I say it was dark it was
dark con see no way out I55 bridge at
night dark
dangerous
yeah dark
dangerous no
light and
if I could go back back in time in
202 if I
was that was probably the height of my
suicidal ideation right there in 2012 I
called it 202 from hell
okay and if I could go back in
2012 go back to any2 that dark period I
probably would have attempt
it
truth just being honest that's the
truth that's how
much pain I was in
mentally that's just how much pain I was
in mentally okay
I've had friends who have told me hey
I've driven on Bridges and I have
visions of throwing by
myself
yeah that's what it is
like that's what is like and you got to
manage and you got to wahas your your
thoughts manage your
thoughts fight those
thoughts every day you got to fight them
every
day every day you got got to fight
them
okay
so um
let me just end on this right here okay
let me just end on
this had a friend
okay had a friend won't name
names won't name
names I believe it was in 2022 or
2023 okay
and
um he was telling a story
of how
he attempted to end his life
okay he used to
be he used to be on drugs okay
used to be here on
drugs he's been in clean for a year
now okay he's been cleaning for for a
year
and he he said
he put the gun to his
head he put the gun to his
head and the gun did not go
off he said he put the gun to his
head and the gun did not go
off pulled the trigger but did but it
did not go off
that had to be an act of God had to
be had to be an act of
God had to be an act of
God had to be an act of God
and
um what the reason why I'm here telling
y'all my
story
well God was with me the whole
time God is with
me was with me the whole time and Jesus
Christ is my Lord and
Behavior
mhm and
um here I
am telling you all the
this telling you all these
stories and
praying
that this reaches a ton of this video
reaches a 100 people
okay just goes to show you
that God is always right there with you
God is always right there with you
okay and he was with me
he was
with my he was
with my good friend when the gun didn't
go oh off he was there
okay he was there when I unsu said hly
attempt it okay he was
there and
um again I just pray that this reaches a
lot out of people okay
God is always there okay
always that's one of the reasons why I
say at the beginning of my videos God is
great all the time all the time God is
great Jesus Christ is
Lord
okay God is always
there and
so I just pray that
this video
um reaches a lot out of people I just
pray it inspires a lot of PE people I
pray this Sparks
conversations about Su who
aside because we need to
talk more about
it it happens every 40
seconds it happens every 40 seconds it
should not be
ignored every 40 seconds it happens it
should not be ignored period we don't
ignore murders we don't
ignore um drug addiction we don't ignore
um people who have C cancer we
don't ignore people who break their legs
we
don't why are we
ignoring
suicide let's talk about
it okay let's get some conversations
going then once we get conversation
going let's get more conversations
going and
um let me just say
this you are
loved you do matter you're not a burden
to everyone out there who's watching his
video you are all these things loved not
a
burden you're
hoverable you're desire
IU you're
wanted you are loved you matter to a lot
lot of people
I sometimes still think I don't matter
to a
lot out of people I still struggle with
that thinking from time I'm to a time
but I
do I do do
matter most important of
all there's always
God there's always God he he is
great
hope
hope you are
worthy you are loved you do matter
you're not a
burden I pray that this Rees a whole lot
out of
people all right all right y'all
peace
out
uh I got one more thing okay one more
more
thing
um there is someone who
um
celebrating five years of sobriety okay
five years of sobriety from meth dection
okay five years
um we've had conversations and um she
told me several times she
has thought about
it but here she is 5 years later
sober
now God bless you all peace out
[Music]
n
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