How to Deal with Difficult People | Jay Johnson | TEDxLivoniaCCLibrary

Summary

The speaker explores the impact of difficult people on our stress levels and productivity, emphasizing the importance of behavioral intelligence. They discuss how our brains' 'low road' response can hinder rational thinking during conflicts. To manage such interactions, the speaker suggests reframing our approach by understanding the 'why' behind behaviors, using inclusive language, and rewarding positive actions. The goal is to improve workplace relationships and personal well-being by controlling our reactions rather than trying to change others.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Our brains have a 'low road' response, which is a survival mechanism that can cause stress and anxiety when dealing with difficult people.
• 🤝 First impressions can influence our perception of others, sometimes leading to instant dislike due to subconscious biases.
• 🚨 Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol can be triggered by conflicts, affecting our health and decision-making abilities.
• 🏢 Workplace conflicts with difficult individuals can lead to serious issues such as turnover, absenteeism, and project failures.
• 🔄 We cannot change others' behavior, but we can change our reactions and perceptions to manage our responses to difficult situations.
• 🏷️ Labels like 'difficult' or 'not a listener' can be subjective and may not reflect the full picture of someone's behavior.
• 🤔 Asking 'why' behind someone's behavior can help us understand their motivations and reduce biases in our judgments.
• 📚 Behavioral intelligence involves explaining, predicting, influencing, and controlling behaviors to navigate interactions effectively.
• 🗣️ Using inclusive language can help in diffusing defensiveness and fostering a more collaborative dialogue.
• 🏆 Recognizing and rewarding positive behaviors can influence and improve difficult individuals' interactions with others.
• 💡 Self-awareness and controlling our own reactions, such as taking deep breaths or stepping back during heated moments, can prevent unnecessary stress.

Q & A

What does the 'low road' refer to in the context of interacting with difficult people?

The 'low road' refers to the instinctive, survival-oriented response of the brain, particularly involving the limbic system, which governs fear regulation and the fight-or-flight response when dealing with difficult people.

How does the stress response affect our body during conflicts with difficult people?

Stress responses, such as the release of adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol, flood the system and can lead to a heightened state of anxiety, impaired rational thinking, slowed metabolism, and even physical issues like acne due to stress hormones.

What are the workplace impacts of conflict with difficult people?

Conflicts with difficult people in the workplace can lead to turnover, absenteeism, and project failures, highlighting the importance of managing such interactions effectively.

How does labeling someone as 'difficult' affect our perception and behavior towards them?

Labeling someone as 'difficult' can create biases and archetypes that influence our interactions, often leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy where our expectations and behaviors reinforce the perceived difficulty.

What is the significance of asking 'why' when trying to understand someone's behavior?

Asking 'why' helps to dig deeper into the reasons behind someone's behavior, moving beyond surface judgments and potentially uncovering underlying motivations or circumstances that may not be immediately apparent.

How can explaining behaviors help in managing interactions with difficult people?

Explaining behaviors involves understanding the reasons behind actions, which can reduce biases and improve communication. It allows for more effective problem-solving and can prevent unnecessary escalation of conflicts.

What is the role of prediction in managing difficult interactions?

Predicting behaviors can help reduce uncertainty and anxiety in interactions with difficult people. It allows for better preparation and can lead to more effective communication strategies.

How can inclusive language influence difficult people's behavior?

Using inclusive language, such as 'we' and 'us,' can help to reduce defensiveness and promote a sense of collaboration. It can encourage difficult individuals to be more open and cooperative.

What is the importance of rewarding and recognizing positive behaviors in difficult interactions?

Rewarding and recognizing positive behaviors can reinforce those actions and improve relationships. It can shift dynamics from adversarial to collaborative, making it more likely for difficult individuals to engage positively.

How can separating the person from the behavior help in dealing with difficult people?

Separating the person from the behavior allows for a more objective assessment of the situation. It enables focusing on specific behaviors that are problematic rather than labeling the individual, which can lead to more productive conversations and resolutions.

Why is it important to control our own behavior when dealing with difficult people?

Controlling our own behavior is crucial because it allows us to manage our responses to stress and conflict, reducing the negative impacts on our health and well-being. It also sets a positive example that can influence others' behaviors.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Navigating Difficult Conversations and Emotional Responses

This paragraph discusses the common experience of feeling challenged during interactions with difficult individuals, leading to heightened emotions and physiological responses like sweating palms and short breath. It introduces the concept of the 'low road' as described by Daniel Goleman, which is our brain's limbic system's fight-or-flight response to stress. The speaker emphasizes that while this response is natural and important for survival, it can be detrimental in social and workplace settings, causing issues like turnover, absenteeism, and project failure. The paragraph suggests that since we cannot change others' behavior, we should focus on changing our own reactions and perceptions, starting with how we label and understand difficult behaviors.

05:01

🧐 Exploring the Biases in Labeling Difficult Behaviors

The second paragraph delves into the biases we hold when labeling others' behaviors as difficult. It points out that our interpretation of someone's actions can be influenced by our preconceived notions and emotions, leading to a lack of rational thought during conflicts. The speaker uses a case study involving two managers, Bill and Ted, to illustrate how misunderstandings and lack of communication can exacerbate conflicts. By having them express their grievances and then facilitating a conversation, the speaker helps them realize their misperceptions and the value they place on each other's opinions. This approach encourages self-reflection and the asking of 'why' questions to better understand the root causes of behaviors, rather than just labeling them as difficult.

10:01

🤝 Influencing Behavior Through Inclusive Language and Recognition

In this paragraph, the speaker discusses strategies for influencing difficult behaviors by using inclusive language and offering recognition or rewards. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of communication and the power of 'we' language to create a sense of unity and reduce defensiveness. It also highlights the positive impact of acknowledging and rewarding good behavior, even in challenging relationships, as a means to shift dynamics from adversarial to friendly. The speaker encourages recognizing that everyone can be difficult to someone and adjusting our own behaviors to manage our responses to difficult situations, ultimately aiming to protect our well-being and improve our relationships.

Keywords

💡Limbic System

The limbic system is a set of brain structures located on both sides of the thalamus, including the hippocampus, amygdala, and hypothalamus. It plays a crucial role in emotions, particularly in the fight-or-flight response. In the video, the limbic system is mentioned as the part of the brain that reacts to difficult people, triggering stress hormones and potentially leading to irrational thinking and heightened anxiety.

💡Fight-or-Flight Response

The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It is an important concept in the video as it is used to describe the body's reaction when interacting with difficult people, causing the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and norepinephrine, which can impair rational thinking and decision-making.

💡Stress Hormones

Stress hormones, such as cortisol, are chemicals released into the bloodstream in response to stress. They prepare the body for a 'fight or flight' reaction. In the context of the video, stress hormones are discussed as a result of dealing with difficult individuals, which can lead to various health issues if not managed properly.

💡Archetypes

Archetypes are universal patterns or templates that can be found in human behavior and culture. In the video, the speaker uses the term 'archetypes' to describe common behavioral patterns seen in difficult people, such as the 'not listener,' 'one-upper,' 'gossiper,' and 'curmudgeon.' These archetypes help to categorize and understand the behaviors that can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.

💡Behavioral Intelligence

Behavioral intelligence refers to the ability to understand, interpret, and predict human behavior. It is a central theme in the video, where the speaker discusses its four quadrants: explaining existing behaviors, predicting future behaviors, influencing others' behaviors, and controlling one's own behavior. The concept is used to provide a framework for managing interactions with difficult people.

💡Inclusive Language

Inclusive language is a way of communicating that respects and acknowledges all individuals by avoiding expressions that marginalize or stereotype certain groups. The video emphasizes the use of inclusive language when dealing with difficult people to avoid defensiveness and promote a more collaborative and solution-oriented dialogue.

💡Recognition and Reward

Recognition and reward are motivational strategies used to reinforce positive behavior. In the video, the speaker suggests using these strategies to influence the behavior of difficult individuals by acknowledging and rewarding their positive actions, which can help to shift the dynamic of the relationship and improve workplace interactions.

💡Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize one's own emotions, motivations, and actions. The video discusses self-awareness as a critical component in controlling one's reactions to difficult people, allowing individuals to manage their stress response and make more thoughtful decisions in challenging situations.

💡Narrative

A narrative is a story or account of events or experiences. In the video, the speaker uses the term 'narrative' to describe the personal stories and perspectives that individuals have about their interactions with others, particularly in conflicts. Understanding and sharing narratives can help to clarify misunderstandings and improve relationships.

💡Uncertainty

Uncertainty refers to a state of incomplete knowledge or a lack of predictability. The video discusses how uncertainty can lead to anxiety and conflict, especially in the workplace. By predicting behaviors and managing expectations, individuals can reduce uncertainty and its negative effects on relationships and performance.

Highlights

The brain's 'low road' or limbic system is responsible for our fight-or-flight response when dealing with difficult people.

Stress hormones like adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol are released during conflicts with difficult individuals, affecting our rational thinking.

Conflicts with difficult people in the workplace can lead to serious impacts such as turnover, absenteeism, and project failures.

We cannot change others' behavior, but we can change our own to better manage interactions with difficult people.

Labeling people as 'difficult' creates biases that can cloud our understanding of their behavior.

Behavioral archetypes such as the 'not-listener', 'one-upper', 'gossiper', and 'curmudgeon' can be identified to better understand their impact on us.

Behavioral intelligence involves explaining, predicting, influencing, and controlling behaviors in interactions with difficult people.

Asking 'why' behind someone's behavior can help in understanding and reducing biases.

A case study involving managers Bill and Ted demonstrates the power of understanding and addressing miscommunications.

Predicting behaviors can reduce uncertainty and anxiety in difficult interactions.

Using inclusive language can help in influencing difficult people's behavior by creating a sense of togetherness.

Reward and recognition can be used to positively influence the behavior of difficult individuals.

Recognizing that everyone can be difficult to someone else is crucial for adjusting our own behavior.

Self-awareness and controlling our low-road system response can prevent unnecessary stress and conflict.

Taking a deep breath or counting to ten can help manage our physiological response to difficult situations.

Separating the person from the behavior allows for a more objective approach to dealing with difficult people.

The importance of changing our own behavior to protect our health and well-being in the face of difficult individuals.

Transcripts

I want you to think of a time when maybe

you were interacting with somebody who

you felt was difficult as you're sitting

there and you're talking to them maybe

getting into an argument

maybe the tensions are starting to rise

if you can feel your palms starting to

sweat you can feel your breath starting

to get shorter you can feel yourself

getting angry and at some point in time

in that conversation you decide I've had

enough of this it's time for me to walk

away you walk out you get about five

steps this way and it hits you and

you're like oh I should have said this I

would have totally got them that is a

product of our brains when we meet

somebody maybe for the first time and we

shake their hands we say hello how are

you my name is Jay nice to meet you and

something in the back of your mind is

already hitting you and going I'm not

gonna like this person well if you've

experienced that trust me you're not

alone our brain is designed for survival

what Daniel Goleman calls the low road

is something where we look at others

call it the limbic system our fear

regulation our fight-or-flight response

when we deal with difficult people

ultimately what we're doing is trying to

get past that response it's a natural

response that we have in fact it's an

important response it is the response

that stress comes into the body so we

see things like adrenaline

norepinephrine cortisol flood the system

when we're engaged with those difficult

people we're in a heightened state of

anxiety during that and our other

systems start to shut down we don't

think rationally our metabolism slows we

can even get acne from having too much

stress hormones put into the body is

that a way that we want to live our

lives conflict in the workplace between

difficult people are not difficult

people has serious impacts and

ultimately what it does is it causes

turnover absenteeism it can even cause

projects to fail

so what can we do about that

we can't change other people's behavior

I can't make somebody behave in a way

that I want them to so I guess maybe we

need to look at a different framework of

operating from internal when we look at

people one of the ways that we can start

changing this conversation with

ourselves is to look at how we label

them so we label somebody difficult or a

pain in the you-know-what we also have

these archetypes that we tend to create

so for example one of the people you

might encounter them in the office place

you walk in to have a conversation with

them and they won't lift their head up

they're just sitting there they're

texting they're playing under computer

and they're not paying any attention to

you that's the archetype of the not

listener we have other art types such as

the one-upper if you've ever been I had

a party and you tell a story and then

what happens somebody has to tell a

better story or you go and get a new

dress and somebody has to get a better

dress or something of that nature

anything that's always the one-up

archetype how about the gossip er the

person that walks around and it gossip

all about different people in the office

place it almost just to stir up trouble

what about the curmudgeon the person

that's been there and done that and

remembers the glory days of everything

that's right or wrong with your

organization now part of my framework is

behavior and I can guarantee you that at

some point in time when I was talking

about those archetypes you put a name

and a face with each one of those

individuals yeah I see the knots when we

look at that and we understand that

those are the different behaviors that

really impact us individually we know

that we need to change the simple

message is this why should we have to

change ourselves because of somebody

else's behavior because it's your heart

attack those stress homework hormones

are killers it's your heart attack so if

we can't change other people's behaviors

the only thing that we can change is our

own behaviors

let's look at a unique approach through

behavioral intelligence behavioral

intelligence really has four quadrants

to be able to explain existing behaviors

predict future behaviors influence other

people's behaviors and control our own

behaviors and we'll talk about that in

the context of difficult people so one

of the things that we want to look at is

how do we explain behaviors when we see

somebody do something that we really

just don't like and we label them maybe

they're stubborn well at the same time

couldn't we see our friend doing that

and say well they're just headstrong we

see somebody do something that we feel

like it's aggressive but on the other

side of things we look at our friend

that does the exact same behavior and we

say wow they're dedicated motivated

passionate even so some of these labels

start to infiltrate the way that we

understand the world

it's a bias that we have so we want to

look a little bit deeper and ask the

question of why why did somebody behave

that way

is it something inherent is it an

intrinsic desire that is pushing them to

behave that way now this is a tough

question because we're in a heat at the

moment one of the things that we get

really frustrated with is ourselves in

that moment we don't take the time to

actually ask we just label and continue

but again it's your heart attack

it's your organization that's suffering

so we have to look at this in a

different way

asking questions is one of the best ways

to explain behavior and I'm gonna give

you an example of a case study one of my

favorite case studies of when I was

working with two different divisions in

a management organization one division

had manager and I'm gonna rename them

Bill and Ted to protect the guilty we

had bill on one side and we had Ted on

the other and these two could not get

along in any way shape or form they were

constantly at odds with each other

causing projects to fail and ultimately

I was brought in to take a look at this

and say what behaviors are existing

that's creating this situation so I had

Bill and Ted both write out everything

that they felt about the other person I

asked them to put ever

onto paper and then I had them submit

that to me so I take a look at this I

review it and as I'm reading through it

and the value of being an objective

outside observer is something incredibly

valuable to take yourself out of a

situation is something that you can do

also as I start reading I read bills all

about Ted and Bill says Ted is

constantly coming to my office asking

questions he's bothering me he will

never leave me alone he's such a

constant contact okay

so then I read Ted's and Ted says bill

just can't be bothered with me my

manager keeps telling me to go to Bill

and ask him these questions to find out

more because all of his experience his

knowledge his value to the organization

but he just won't listen he's such a not

listener so I bring these two people in

and I put them at the table and I share

with them each other's perspective and I

swear it was just like lady in a

when all of a sudden they looked at each

other like oh my goodness I had no idea

that you valued my opinion so much and

on the other side it was oh my goodness

I can't believe that that's the way that

I'm coming off in this environment and

all of a sudden we start to look and

they were able to answer each other's

narrative that narrative that was hidden

to them because they didn't ask

questions they didn't go to why they

just labeled they labeled them difficult

once we can explain behaviors then we

can predict behaviors we can predict

what's going to happen that'll help to

reduce uncertainty uncertainty is one of

the things if you've ever gotten a phone

call from a superior saying hey can you

come down to my office immediately what

happens you don't think oh I'm going to

get a raise this is gonna be great

you start thinking yourself what did I

do oh my gosh this could be the worst

that uncertainty creates some of that

anxiety and when we bring that anxiety

into a conversation or into the

relationship that's gonna be felt by the

other person

so by being able to predict those types

of behaviors it'll actually reduce the

anxiety if you've ever been in a

situation

where you've said hey listen my friend

is probably going to say X Y or Z don't

be offended by it that's just how they

are that's a fundamental effect of

prediction we can forgive or we can be

prepared so that we were not hit with an

onslaught of anxiety influencing

behaviors we look at this and say how do

we necessarily influence that person

that is a difficult person one is by

using inclusive language when we talk

about somebody if I say your behavior is

doing X Y & Z immediately the walls

going to go up they're going to get

defensive they're gonna look for the

ways in which your behavior contributes

to it and fire back and all of a sudden

we're now in an argument and we're in a

place where we can't necessarily get out

of that difficulty versus when we start

to talk and use inclusive language like

I noticed that we're having some trouble

communicating here that key word we're

we are having trouble communicating

because communication is a two-way

street

we should probably take a look at this a

little bit more effectively and now all

of a sudden is togetherness we're

engaging the other person we're bringing

them together one of the other ways in

which we can actually influence other

people's behavior is reward and

recognition just like a child that goes

potty when they're supposed to and where

they're supposed to we give them an M&M

we never really get beyond that behavior

as adults but when we're at odds or when

we're working with somebody difficult it

is very hard for us to think that giving

them recognition or a reward would be a

value to us but if they do something

nice we can reach out to them and say

hey I thought your report today was

fantastic and all of a sudden we start

to move ourselves out of that enemy zone

and into being a friend and let me tell

you it's much more valuable in work or

anywhere else to be a friend because if

people like you they will do business

with you and if they don't like you they

will do whatever they can to usurp your

to be successful so utilizing something

like a recognition or reward scenario is

something that can actually help build

that influence and that report they're

gonna start looking to you as maybe not

necessarily the difficult person I used

to be a difficult person when I talk

about difficulty I'm sure that there is

plenty of people that still find me to

be difficult but the reality is is until

we recognize that each of us are a

difficult person for someone else we're

never going to be able to adjust our

behavior and that's where we get into

control some of the self-awareness

aspects so some of the things that we

can do to control that low-road system

that limbic system that fear that

flight-or-fight response that we have

when we're interacting with somebody who

we find to be difficult is as simple as

we learned in kindergarten first take a

deep breath when we take a deep breath

and out we flood our body with oxygen

now that system that's fight-or-flight

it doesn't know the difference between

you interacting with a difficult person

in a lion chasing you and if a Lions

chasing you are you gonna go no

absolutely not you're gonna run you're

gonna scream so when we take that deep

breath we're literally telling our

system that low-road system everything's

okay look at how we're breathing look at

how we're managing ourselves another way

is to count to ten and that doesn't mean

standing there going one two three four

five six seven eight nine ten I'm still

angry that's probably not going to be

effective in working with that difficult

person but counting to ten is as simple

to say you know what I noticed that both

of us are getting a little passionate

about this why don't we take a small

recess why don't we take a step back and

reset and in come at this with clear

heads and notice again I'm using that

inclusive language the we us together

because together we can solve the

problem

so when we look at that another way that

I love to look at difficult people is to

separate out the person from the

behavior in so many cases we label them

tough to deal with difficult bad but if

we look at it and say I dislike this

behavior that this person this human

exhibits it separates those two things

for us the label is no longer on them

it's on the behavior and then we can

carve that out and say is this the hill

we want to die on is that behavior worth

my heart attack and I would like to

think that the answer to that is no so

with all of the impacts that we see this

model of behavioral intelligence gives

us the opportunity to explain the

existing behaviors to ask those

questions of why to predict future

behaviors to reduce the uncertainty

surrounding those to influence other

people's behavior why because our

relationships matter and if we're not

engaging in those relationships well

guess what they're going to continuously

go down and we see the impact of

conflict in the workplace and on

ourselves and then we can control our

own behavior by being a little bit more

thoughtful and aware of how we are and

again why should we have to do this why

should we be the people that has to

change our behavior to deal with

difficult people ultimately because it's

your heart attack and someone else's bad

behavior should not be the cause of your

heart attack thank you very much

[Applause]