الزواج السعيد.. علميًا | الدحيح

Summary

نص النص المقدم يتناول موضوع الزواج من وجهات نظر متعددة، من التجارب العلمية مثل معمل Gottman الذي ي.predict النجاح أو الفشل في العلاقات الزوجية، إلى التصورات التقليدية والتحديات الاجتماعية والاقتصادية التي تؤثر على الزواج. يتضمن النص تناقضًا في تجارب الزوجين، التأثير الجسدي لل应激激素 على العلاقات، وأهمية الصداقة ودعم ال提出的之间的 الإيجابية في الزواج الناجحة. يشدد النص على أن النجاح في الزواج يتطلب مثابرة وفهم دائم.

Takeaways

• 🎤 النص يتضمن حوار م事先rary حول الزواج وعلاقات الزوجين، يتضمن تناقضات وirony في تجربتي الشخصية وآراء الآخرين.
• 🔬 تم ذكر معمل جوتمان للحب، الذي يتضمن دراسة علمية للزواج وتحليل السلوكيات والتفاعلات العاطفية للزوجين.
• 📊 يحقق جوتمان نسبًا مرتفعة في توقع العلاقات الزوجية بدقة، مما يظهر العلاقة بين التفاعلات العاطفية واحتمال الطلاق.
• 🧪 يُظهر النص أن ال婚谊 ال化的، مثل الكورتون النووي والضغط الcardiovascular، يمكن أن تكون مؤشرات لحالة الزواج.
• 🤔 يُناقش النص كيف تؤثر التوقعات الاجتماعية والشخصية على الزواج، وكيف يمكن أن تكون التوقعات غير المنطقية مصدر للمشاكل.
• 🌍 يُذكر التأثير الكبير للظروف الإقتصادية والاجتماعية على الزواج في المجتمعات المختلفة، وكيف يمكن أن تؤدي الضغوط إلى زيادة نسب الطلاق.
• 👫 يُشدد النص على أهمية الصداقة القوية بين الزوجين كقاعدة لتحقيق الزواج الناجح، بدلاً من التركيز على المشاكل.
• 💑 يُناقش النص كيف يمكن أن تؤدي الدعم الفعال وال交流活动 البسيطة لبناء ال信任 وتعزيز العلاقات العاطفية.
• 🏠 يُذكر أن العلاقات الزوجية التي تتضمن مشاركتان متبادلة ودعم تفاعلي تなる أقل صعبة وأكثر فرصة للنجاح.
• 🛑 يُنصح بالتوقف في العلاقات التي تتضمن أفكار سيئة أو نقص الثقة، لأن هذه الظروف تمنع التنمية الإيجابية في العلاقة.
• 🔄 يُشير النص إلى أن الزواج يتطلب الجهد المستمر والعمل على العلاقات لضمان الاستمرارية والنجاح.

Q & A

ما هي التجربة العلمية التي أنشأها جون جوتمان وروبرت ليفنسون؟

التجربة العلمية التي أنشأها جون جوتمان وروبرت ليفنسون هي معمل جوتمان للحب، أنشأ في جامعة واشنطن في مدينة سياتل عام 1986. هدفها هو دراسة الزواج من الناحية العلمية، تحديد العوامل التي تؤدي إلى السعادة أو الطلاق بين الزوجين.

ما هو معدل توقع جوتمان لاستمرار الزواج أو الطلاق في الدراسات التي قامت به؟

تبلغ نسبة توقع جوتمان لاستمرار الزواج أو الطلاق في الدراسات التي قامت به 91%، مع أن هذا الabar الدقة من 3 دراسات مختلفة.

ما هي العوامل الجسدية التي يستخدمها جوتمان لدراسة العلاقات الزوجية؟

يستخدم جوتمان قياسات الكارديوگرام والضغط الدموية والهرمونات لدراسة العلاقات الزوجية، حيث يقارن مستويات الهرمونات الناجمة عن التوتر مثل الادرينالين والACTH للزوجين الجدد للزواج مع مستوياتهم بعد عشر سنوات من الزواج.

كيف يمكن أن تكون العلاقات العاطفية الإيجابية مؤشراً على مستقبل الزواج؟

تشير الدراسات إلى أن زواج سعيد يمكن أن يزيد من العمر المتوسط بمعدل من 4 إلى 8 سنوات، في حين أن الزوجين الغير سعداء يعانون من التوتر والتعب المزمن على المستوى الجسدي والعاطفي، مما ي让他们 معرضين لمشاكل قلبية وอCTSخاء.

ماذا يشير الدراسات إلى أن الزواج يؤثر على العلاقات بين الزوجين؟

تشير الدراسات إلى أن الزواج يمكن أن يؤثر على الصحة العاطفية والجسدية للزوجين، حيث أن الزوجين السعداء يتمتعون بحياة أطول وأقل فرصة لإصابة بالأمراض، في حين أن الزوجين الغير سعداء يعانون من زيادة في مستويات الهرمونات الناجمة عن التوتر، مما يمكن أن يؤدي إلى الطلاق.

ما هي الفكرة الرئيسية التي يطرحها كتاب 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus'؟

كتاب 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus' يطرح فكرة أن الرجال والنساء يأتون من كواكب مختلفة ولديهم خصائص مختلفة، مما يتطلب منا فهم الاختلافات البيولوجية والعاطفية بين ال両 الجنسين.

كيف يؤثر ال作弊 على العلاقات الزوجية؟

وفقًا لدراسات د. انيت لوسن، ال作弊 يعتمد على الفرصة والسياق والتوفر، وليس بالضرورة بسبب الجنس. ويظهر الدراسات أن ال作弊 يكون نتيجة لمشاكل عاطفية أو حادثة أو بoredness، وليس ساب الزواج.

لماذا يمكن أن تكون العلاقات العاطفية السلبية أكثر تأثيراً على الزواج من الإيجابية؟

عند وجود المشاعر السلبية في الزواج، يمكن أن يؤدي ذلك إلى ت把这些小问题看得过于严重，并可能导致误解任何화 المحاولة لل修好، حتى إذا كان الشخص الذي يحاول ال修好几天 م擅長 في التواصل واستماع جيدًا.

ما هي الطريقة الأفضل لتعزيز الصداقة بين الزوجين؟

تشير الدراسات إلى أن الدعم المتبادل وفهم المشاعر و応答 على الطلبات البسيطة من الطرفين يمكن أن يعزز الصداقة بين الزوجين، مما يؤدي إلى النجاح في الزواج.

كيف يمكن لouples استخدام الأنشطة المثيرة لتجديد المتعة في الزواج؟

يمكن للزوجين استخدام الأنشطة الجديدة مثل الخروج لفطور أو مشاهدة أفلام أو حلقات تليفزيونية لتجديد المتعة في الزواج وتعزيز العلاقات العاطفية.

ماذا يشير الدراسات إلى أن ال.expectations الrationales لزوجين من الزواج يمكن أن تؤدي إلى النجاح في الزواج؟

تشير الدراسات إلى أن الزوجين الذين يبدأون الزواج بتوقعات معقولة يمكنهم التعامل مع المشاكل بشكل أفضل و維持婚姻، في حين أن ال的那些带有不切实际的期望的人最终可能会经历失败。

لماذا يمكن أن تكون العلاقات العاطفية السلبية في الزواج مؤشراً على المشاكل العميقة؟

تشير الدراسات إلى أن العلاقات العاطفية السلبية في الزواج يمكن أن تكون مؤشراً على وجود مشاكل عميقة، حيث أن الزوجين الذين لا يشعرون بالرضا قد يواجهون مشاكل في التواصل وفهم المشاعر الأخرى.

ما هي الدورة التعليمية التي يستخدمها جوتمان لتحسين العلاقات الزوجية؟

يستخدم جوتمان دورة الاستماع النشط (Active Listening) التي تهدف إلى تحسين المحادثة والتفاهم بين الزوجين، من خلال تعليمات مثل استخدام الأنا الشخصي بدلاً من الأنت الشخصي في المحادثات.

كيف يمكن للزوجين التعامل مع المشاكل الدائمة في الزواج؟

يمكن للزوجين التعامل مع المشاكل الدائمة في الزواج من خلال الاستمرار في المحاولة لفهم الطرف الآخر والعمل على تحسين العلاقات العاطفية والدعم المتبادل.

ماذا يشير الدراسات إلى أن الصداقة القوية بين الزوجين هي المفتاح للزواج الناجح؟

تشير الدراسات إلى أن الصداقة القوية بين الزوجين، التي تتضمن الدعم المتبادل والتفاهم وال尊不尊重، هي المفتاح للزواج الناجح، حيث أن الزوجين الصديقين يستطيعون التعامل مع المشاكل بشكل أفضل و維持婚姻.

Outlines

00:00

😀 الزواج المزعج: قصة زوجين ي生活习惯

في الفقرة الأولى، يُناقش زوجان ي生活习惯 معًا في المطبخ، مما يُظهر كيف يتعاملون مع بعض في التفاصيل الشخصية. يُظهر النص كيف يحاول الزوج التعامل مع المشاكل الشخصية في الزواج، وكيف يحاول الزوج الآخر أن ي理解和imitate التصرفات الشخصية للزوجة. كما يُذكر قصة الزوج الذي كان متزوجًا لشخص آخر لثلاث سنوات، مما يُظهر الصراع العاطفي في العلاقات الزوجية.

05:00

🔬 دراسة الزواج العلمية: المختبر العاطفي

الجزء الثاني يناقش دراسة الزواج العلمية التي أنشأها جوتنمان وليفنسون في الجامعة واشنطن في سياتل. يُظهر النص كيف يُستخدم المختبر لدراسة أسباب السعادة أو الطلاق في الزوجين، وكيف يُمكن من خلال المراقبة الجسدية والنفسية لتوقع النتيجة النهائية للزواج بدقة تتراوح بين 70% إلى 90%. يُناقش النص أيضاً كيف يُمكن استكشاف العلاقات العاطفية من خلال المراقبة البيولوجية.

10:02

👥 ال_EXPECTATIONS_ الغير رسمية: التأثير على الزواج

في النص الثالث، يُناقش كيف تُؤثر ال_EXPECTATIONS_ الغير رسمية التي يُفرضها المجتمع على الزوجين على العلاقات الزوجية. يُناقش النص كيف يُمكن أن تُؤدي ال_EXPECTATIONS_ المفرطة إلى زيادة الضغط العاطفي والجسدي على الزوجين، وكيف يُمكن أن تُؤدي ال扮演roles التي يُفرضها المجتمع إلى حدوث تناقض في العلاقات العاطفية.

15:03

🤔 التوقع المنطقي: ال秘钥 لنجاح الزواج

الجزء الرابع يناقش كيف يُمكن أن تُؤثر التوقعات المنطقية على النجاح النهائي للزواج. يُظهر النص أن الزوجين الذين بدأوا مع توقعات منطقية فارغة، أثبتوا أنهم أكثر قدرة على الاستمرار في الزواج. يُناقش النص أيضاً كيف تُؤثر التوقعات الغير منطقية على تلقي الدعم العاطفي وعدم قدرة على حل المشكلات العاطفية.

20:03

👫 الصداقة القوية: ال秘钥 الرئيسية للزواج السعيد

في النص الخامس، يُناقش كيف تُعتبر الصداقة القوية بين الزوجين ال秘钥 الرئيسية لتحقيق النجاح في الزواج. يُظهر النص كيف يُمكن من خلال الدعم المتبادل والتفاهم العميق أن تُعزز العلاقات العاطفية، وأن الصداقة يمكن أن تؤدي إلى تقليل الصراعات وزيادة الإيجابية في العلاقات الزوجية.

25:06

💔 التحديات الدائمة: كيف تؤثر على العلاقات العاطفية

النص السادس يُناقش كيف تُؤثر المشكلات العاطفية الدائمة التي لا يمكن حلها على العلاقات العاطفية. يُظهر النص أن الصراعات التي تنشأ من المشكلات الدائمة تؤدي إلى تصاعد الضغوط العاطفية والجسدية على الزوجين، وأن العلاقات التي تعتمد على الدعم المتبادل وفهم المشاعر يمكنها مواجهة هذه التحديات بشكل أفضل.

Keywords

💡الزواج

الزواج هو العلاقات الزوجية التي تجمع رجل وامراة لعيش معًا وبناء حياة مشتركة. في النص، يناقش الزواج على عدة مستويات، بما في ذلك العلاقات الزوجية الناجحة والفشلة، وكيف يؤثر السلوك والسلوكيات الزوجين على ال存续 الزوجي. يشير النص إلى أن الزواج ليس فقط عن العلاقات بين الرجل والمرأة، بل هو أيضا يتأثر بظروف البيئة الاجتماعية والاقتصادية.

💡العلاقات الزوجية الناجحة

العلاقات الزوجية الناجحة هي العلاقات التي تستمر على المدى الطويل وذات العلاقات الإيجابية والاستقرار. يشير النص إلى أن النجاح في الزواج يعتمد على عدة أمور، بما في ذلك الصداقة القوية بين الزوجين، والدعم المتبادل، وفهم الاختلافات. يستخدم النص مثالا على الزوجين الذين يتعاملون مع الصراعات بطريقة إيجابية ويبنون على العلاقات بطريقة تعزز الصداقة.

💡العلاقات الزوجية الفاشلة

العلاقات الزوجية الفاشلة هي العلاقات التي تنتهي بالطلاق أو ال不快乐. في النص، يشير إلى أن الفشل في الزواج يمكن أن يحدث بسبب عبء ال_expectations_،或是由于缺乏对彼此的支持，或是由于社会和经济压力。例如，文中提到离婚率在某些社会高达65%，这表明许多婚姻在第一年就失败了。

💡الدعم المتبادل

الدعم المتبادل هو الدعم الذي يتبادله الزوجين في العلاقات الزوجية. يشير النص إلى أن الدعم المتبادل هو أحد العناصر الأساسية لنجاح الزواج، حيث يساعد على بناء الثقة وتعزيز العلاقات. يذكر النص أن الزوجين الناجحون يدعمون بعضهم البعض في 86% من الأحيان، مما يظهر أهمية الدعم في العلاقات الزوجية.

💡الصداقة

الصداقة في النص تشير إلى الاحترام المتبادل والراحة والترفيه المتعة بين الزوجين. يشدد النص على أن الصداقة هي القاعدة الأساسية لبناء العلاقات الزوجية الناجحة، حيث أن الفهم ومعرفة الشريك ودعمه في الأمور البسيطة من أمورlivethe العلاقات. يستخدم النص مثالا على الزوج الذي يساعد في المهارات المنزلية، مما يظهر الصداقة و_attraction_ في الزواج.

💡الEXPECTATIONS

ال_EXPECTATIONS_ هي التوقعات وال-hopes_ التي ي怀有一个人在他或她的配偶或婚姻。 في النص، يذكر أن having high or irrational expectations could lead to disappointment and failure in marriage. يستخدم النص مثالا على الزوجين الذين لديهم EXPECTATIONS واقعية، مما يساعد على الاستمرار في العلاقات الزوجية.

💡العلاقات الimalة

العلاقات الimalة هي العلاقات التي تتضمن الدعم والفهم والمشاركة المتبادلة. يشير النص إلى أن العلاقات الimalة هي الهدف النهائي في الزواج، حيث يساعد الزوجون على التعامل مع الconflicts وبناء العلاقات بطريقة أكثر إيجابية. يذكر النص أن العلاقات الimalة تتطلب الفهم المتبادل والمشاركة في القرارات.

💡ال扮演不同的角色

ال扮演不同的角色 في النص يشير إلى كيف ينبغي للأشخاص أن يتصرفون بناءً على ال_expectations_ الاجتماعية والثقافية. يذكر النص أن ال扮演不同的角色 قد يؤدي إلى الconflicts في الزواج، حيث أن الزوجين قد يشعرون أنهم يجب عليهم أن يكونوا 'men' أو 'women' according to societal roles، بدلاً من أن يكونوا أنفسهم. يستخدم النص مثالا على الزوج الذي يحاول أن ي扮演 'الرجل القوي'، مما يسبب توترًا في العلاقات.

💡ال出轨

ال出轨 في النص يشير إلى ال不faithfulness في الزواج،通常是通过欺骗. يشير النص إلى أن ال出轨عادة ما تحدث بعد أن تفشل العلاقات الزوجية، وليس因为她是导致婚姻失败的原因. يستخدم النص مثالا على الزوج الذي يشعر بالemotional distancing وinsecurity، مما يدفعه إلى ال出轨 كمحاولة للcompensation.

💡العلاقات الimalة

العلاقات الimalة هي العلاقات التي تتضمن الدعم المتبادل والunderstanding. يشير النص إلى أن العلاقات الimalة هي القاعدة الأساسية لنجاح الزواج، حيث أن الزوجين الناجحون يدعمون بعضهم البعض في 86% من الأحيان. يذكر النص أن الدعم يمكن أن يأتي في شكل acts of service، مثل المساعدة في المهارات المنزلية، أو في أمور أكبر مثل الرعاية عن أفراد العائلة.

Highlights

婚姻中的友谊质量是预测婚姻幸福与否的关键因素，占70%。

Gottman实验室通过监测夫妻的日常行为、表情和生理反应来研究婚姻的成败。

婚姻的生理影响：不快乐的婚姻会增加35%的疾病感染率，而快乐的婚姻可以延长寿命4-8年。

社会对性别角色的期望和刻板印象对婚姻关系有着深远的影响。

男性和女性在童年时期的游戏方式不同，这影响了他们处理情绪和竞争的方式。

婚姻中的积极情绪可以覆盖小问题，而消极情绪则可能导致对小问题的过度反应。

Gottman发现，夫妻间86%的支持请求得到响应是幸福婚姻的一个标志。

简单的日常支持请求，如帮忙做家务，可以积累积极的情感信用。

夫妻间的积极回应和友谊是解决婚姻问题的关键。

社会和经济压力对婚姻的影响可能比个人之间的问题更为严重。

婚姻的开始比如何维持婚姻更为重要，需要基于对对方的深刻了解。

传统夫妻治疗的成功率并不高，因为它没有考虑到夫妻之间的情感联系。

Gottman认为，夫妻之间的积极意图和对彼此的了解是幸福婚姻的基础。

婚姻中的小惊喜和新的共同活动可以重燃夫妻间的情感。

男女之间的友谊在童年时期是可能的，但随着成长，这种友谊变得罕见。

在婚姻中，持续的努力和对彼此的了解是保持关系的关键。

Gottman的婚姻研究显示，夫妻间的积极互动和友谊对于解决冲突至关重要。

婚姻的长久需要双方不断的沟通和理解，以及对彼此变化的适应。

Transcripts

Oh God! What's going on, dude, why don't you put the microphone in my throat?

Yes, to prevent glasses' reflection on camera, so it doesn't look like we're filming.

Can I use it to clean the ceilings, please?

Me and Somaya had been married for around 25 years.

A calm and pretty marriage.

It was a horrible marriage!

Honestly, both of us participate in all of the house work.

Actually, he smudges and I clean!

No, hold on a second!

I remember once...I swear, I opened the fridge door to drink water

then I closed it again after drinking!

Of course, I should take part in raising our children.

Sure, he should take part because I consider him as one of the kids.

Somaya says this about me?

Yes...tell him, I'm supposed to be scared?

I can't believe she could say something like that!

He will act like a fool in the beginning, I know better!

Honestly, sometimes I may be absent from home.

Didn't he say the reason of his absence? Ask him, man!

Say to the reason, boy!

Honestly...

I know, he will say...

Work!... a lot of work, extra, overtime.

If he didn't tell you, I will!

This man had been, for 3 years,

Married...to another one, honestly!

Do you know, who is his wife? You won't believe!

Classic...my best friend.

She isn't her best friend, they were just in the same school, raised together,

they just were like siblings to each other! That's why I loved her!

Because she reminds me of her.

Did he say that...she reminds him of me?

Every single time I look at her, I remember Somaya.

I consider our marriage, a chance to patch things up!

Did he really said that?

It was a crappy marriage!

Do you know who is his other wife?

Classic!

(El Daheeh)

Hello my dear viewers.

Welcome to a new episode of El-Daheeh.

This episode is not only for the married but for the singles,

regarding emotional literacy and removal of wives' disputes, hopefully.

I want you, the night of your wedding, to watch the episode carefully,

in the sake of marriage success, hopefully.

Keep playing the episode on repeat, as a kind of gratitude!

On a sunny morning in the American city, Seattle,

there were a couple, Mark and Janice Gordon who were married for a few months.

They were like two lovebirds having breakfast happily,

looking at an awesome sight of clear lake.

Mark put a journal beside him to read during breakfast time as usual,

then he watched a soccer match to enjoy his time.

Meanwhile, Janice finished her breakfast then started a long call with her mother.

A very normal morning routine for a couple in their prime age.

As if you are normally watching a scene for Brad Pitt.

My friend, if you focused a little bit, you'll feel that there is something fishy.

"That they were happy, Abo Hmeed?"

No, my friend that's not what I mean.

Something way more important!

If you took a closer look, you'll find three video-cameras fixed on the walls.

If you took another look, you'll find mics attached to their shirts' collars.

"Abo Hmeed, are they spies working with the Mossad?"

My friend, have you ever seen a spy wearing a Holter monitor to track his heartbeats?

"I didn't get it, what are we doing, Abo Hmeed?"

Focus with me my friend, look at the natural scene in the background.

It's just a portrait not a real natural scene.

My friend, this is The Gottman Love Lab

which was established by the scientists, John Gottman and Robert Levenson

in Washington university, Seattle city, in 1986

with an objective for a marriage scientific study.

Precisely, the reasons of happiness or divorce of the married couples.

Those two scientists created a lab similar to a normal flat of a middle class couple,

which contains kitchen, sofa, T.V and a normal furniture, it feels like home.

"Abo Hmeed, I have an air fryer, why don't they?"

Zip it, man! what is important is that in this normal house,

the couple will be demanded, during this experiment, to buy their usual grocery,

and the journal they used to read.

"Do everything you used to in your daily routine,

also, bring the stuff you use on your weekends and holidays."

They will be asked, as much as possible, to act normally

under a supervision taking place from 9AM to 9PM.

The supervision took place in every corner

in the house except the bathroom before you ask.

"Abo Hmeed, it's not a big deal, it's just a couple of days and everything ends!"

A couple of days! my friend, such experiment requires many years.

In this study, Gottman will study the married's behaviour and their actions,

even their facial expressions over many years.

"So was it useful? Abo Hmeed."

My friend, let me shock you with an amazing surprise!

Gottman crew predicted the continuity of the marriage

or the divorce for the studied cases

with accuracy reached 91%, from 3 different studies.

This means that in 9 out of 10 marriages,

this crew was able to say whether this couple will divorce or last.

"That's unsurprising! statistics of marital status exist in every society, Abo Hmeed."

If we assumed that the divorce rate exceeds 50% in America, that's a fact

but it's measured over 40 years long

meanwhile Gottman's experiment predicts the divorce within seven years

a way more shorter time period.

"Abo Hmeed, can I go with my future wife to see are we going to divorce or not.

-in order to decide to marry her or not." -No.

"Abo Hmeed, this accuracy can be achieved through some monitoring,

measuring the actions and habits, it's not scientific matter."

Let me surprise you, again, Gottman won't only focus on the behaviour.

If the behaviour is based on lies and deception, the body won't lie.

Do you recall the chest Holter monitor that was used to measure heart activity?

Gottman measured the cardiogram, blood pressure, and hormones

for the married who underwent the experiment.

"What is the relation between this and divorce, Abo Hmeed?"

In a study from OHIO university, they measured the levels of stress hormones

such as Adrenaline and ACTH hormones, for the newly married

then compared their physiological state

to their state after marriage for ten years.

My friend, they found that their hormones' levels are 34% higher

during the marital discussions for the couples who divorced eventually

in comparison to the couples whose marriage lasted.

If you found people have high levels of those hormones during their marriage,

you can tell that they divorce, mostly.

These hormones'' level during a discussion

can be an indicator to the course of their marriage.

This is a clear correlation between physiological results

and the possibility of divorce in a certain time period.

My friend, this is what I meant with the Marriage Scientific Study.

Gottman and his lab didn't miss any detail to monitor the married.

"Abo Hmeed, I believe that this man is a little bit trivial.

He brought a fully furnished flat, cameras,

and a holter monitor in order to study marriage!

Come on, man, do some studies on diseases and cure people from them!

Leave who wants to divorce or marry alone, is this a family court!"

My friend, if you are in your prime age, you should know

that marriage can end your life as any other disease.

It can be you savior, as well.

My friend, that's not an emotional speech or under any threat!

According to a study from the University of Michigan,

the chance of getting infected with a disease

is higher by 35% if your marriage is unhappy.

Meanwhile happy couples, their average life span increase with a rate of 4-8 years.

The person who is unhappy in his marriage suffers from stress and chronic fatigue

on both physical and emotional levels.

This fatigue exposes him to heart problems which increase the blood pressure

other than psychological problems such as depression.

On the other happy hand, you'll find a person cares about you,

reminds you to take care of yourself,

insists to visit the doctor when you feel unwell,

and feels a responsibility towards your mood, health, and your body.

In his book, 'The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work', Gottman will say,

"If you dedicate 10% of your weekly gym time

to enhance your relation with your wife,

that will provide three times the health benefits

you would get if you presist going to gym."

"Abo Hmeed, should I pay for the couples therapy instead of the gym membership?"

According to this study, yes!

Gottman's lab was focused on about how the marriage will end, in a good or bad way

but maybe this question is depending on another more important question,

we need to ask it first: How should the marriage begin?

My friend, the marriage is a partnership.

A relation between two persons, most of the time,

in the beginning, you had your preconceived notions and opinions about the other party.

For a long time of our history, the space of those relations and partnerships

was based on opinions,

not a specific scientific path that charts the course of those relationships,

and tries to figure out whether it's going to end or not.

If it's going to end, how will it end, what are the reasons and results?

As what was happening in Gottman's lab.

According to the words of the writer John Mitchinson,

in the 90s many books came out such as 'Men Are From mars, Women Are from Venus'

bestseller since day one alongside to Moustafa Mahmoud books in Egypt

It is a self-help book,

which has a 15 million copies and it was translated into more than 40 languages.

This book establishes one main idea which is that each party in the marriage

comes from a different planet and has different traits.

This book was be followed by chain of books which emphasize the same idea,

which is both men and women have their own catalog

-tell us if you find the women's one-

such as 'Why Men Lie And Woman Cry' and 'Men Are Clams Women Are Crowbars'.

Although many of these stuff don't have scientific base,

it will be established in both gender minds, since their childhood.

It will also control their choices in each other,

and each gender's expectations towards the other.

Gottman did many studies just to get the divorce percentage

meanwhile an unscientific book can change the whole culture,

and determine the foundations of marriage beginning and ending.

I'm acting like a salesman, my friend!

My friend, let me please analyze this claim to check whether it's true or not.

Let's examine the preconception notion about men and women.

Stereotyping, what's the first thing comes on your mind

when you hear the word woman or man.

Men are cheaters and have a wandering eye,

and women are grumpy and unbearable.

-"Is that scientifically right, Abo Hmeed?" -We will see!

My friend, if we analyzed the idea of men by nature

are creatures who tend to freedom and celibacy,

stay away from marriage restrictions,

and tend by nature to cheat and eat,

we'll find that Dr. Alicia Walker wrote in her book 'Chasing Masculinity'

that the initial feeling that pushes any man towards cheating is not a biological matter

but the feeling of emotional distancing, insecurity.

May this result from the lack of attention or appreciation,

but according to the samples collected by Alicia

many men consider cheating as an attempt to compensate the lost feelings from others

instead of ultimately losing his beloved wife through divorce,

as if he's ordering fast food delivery.

My friend, we found what the unexpected in studies,

you always see in the media that the women are the ones who want to get married

consequently, you make an assumption that they are more happy in marriages,

the married men are actually happier

than the married women, this is what is shown by the studies.

Meanwhile, the single men are more sad and violent in the society.

As much as the doctor’s words can seem a bit toxic and of a masculine character,

but it emphasizes that cheating is not a biological or inherent thing.

This was resumed by the studies of Dr. Annette Lawson

who found that something like cheating, with our common sense,

does not depend mainly on the gender, it does not matter whether male of female.

It's obvious that when a man cheats, he cheats with a woman and the vice versa

of course with different ratios but that's not the matter.

My friend, cheating according to her words depends on

chances, context, and availability.

So the increase in the percentage of cheating on wives equals to

the percentage of women presence in the labour market.

Cheating is a chance appears to a person

who has an emotional problem, frigidity, boredom.

He may be in need for appreciation and being cared about.

According to the studies, 80% of the wives and husbands, said that the act of cheating

was not the cause of the marriage collapse but it was a result.

This means that marriage didn't end due to cheating

but cheating took place when the marriage was already collapsed.

"Abo Hmeed wait a second, men are cheaters by nature."

My friend, calm down, we are examining the stereotype notions

which are partially true

but it's not fully true.

Just hold a second because your turn is next with your own stereotype.

The whole world is saying that you are grumpy.

Let's examine this allegation.

According to Dr. Cathrine Mckinley words,

men and women go through the same exact feelings

such as, anger, grump, and sadness.

The difference according to her words,

is that women are allowed to express their feelings

but men are not allowed.

That's not a biological thing but according to Dr. Catherine's words

there is something called Gender Roles, the society distribute them on us.

As if we are actors in film or a play.

These roles say to the men "You are strong, unemotional, men don't cry",

then say to women "You are allowed to express your feelings, scream, girl!"

Consequently, It's normal that women can speak up bravely

about more sophisticated matters,

without any fear to show someone her feelings.

Women can do this with 80% more than men,

who usually avoid discussing such topics.

A friend is sitting with you in a cafe so you ask him "what's wrong?"

He replies "feeling low a little bit, pray for me.", then you say "may God bless you!"

The weird thing is that everything becomes better!

According to her words, this is called societal roles.

The common is, husbands accuse their wives for being grumpy

and on the other hand, women say that men are cold and have thick skin.

The point is when a man suppresses his feelings,

it reflects badly on his body.

According to sources, marital discussions that arouse strong emotions,

husband's blood pressure increases more than wife's blood pressure

and also his heartbeats are faster and heavier.

He continues like this for a longer time period in comparison to his wife.

Dear husband, if your heartbeats exceeded a 100 beats/minute,

you will not understand your wife's words, no matter how hard you try.

Because you will be in a state named 'Flooding' by Gottman

which is anger and high tension

to the point that prevents you from focusing in discussion

or even to respond rationally after being in tension.

That's not the only price you will pay

for the gender role imposed by the society.

Gottman noticed that when a husband plays his masculine role

and believes the gender role that forces him to suppress his emotions,

when he gets involved in a discussion,

he tends to think of wining or get his right back

this is a heavy pressure.

According to his words, a wife can calm herself down easier than her husband.

Because she accepts her feelings and talks about it a lot.

So she is able to control it, somehow, and is not scared to expose it.

If the husband shouted, his wife often will try to calm him down or react less,

but not the vice versa!

If the wife shouted loudly, her husband will shout at the top of his voice.

Gottman believe that women by nature can understand emotions and deal with it more

in comparison to men, even if those women may not be cleverer than men.

It's not about being biologically programed.

This began in their childhood and followed by years of practicing.

If we focused on how the boys and girls played

on the streets during their childhood.

You will notice that boys focus on wining the game,

as when men play a football match aggressively,

they shout, swear, and complains.

You may fight with your best friend playing in other team just to win.

You will notice that girls focus on emotions while they are playing.

If a girl said to her friend "We can't be friends anymore" the game stops,

At least, until they patch things up.

Imagine a man and a women are about to get married and be partners.

All while their notions about each other are just stereotypes.

They deal with each other as if they were coming from two different planets.

They also live in the roles which were imposed on them by society.

They believed that this is their nature and should act based on it

without thinking that they can possibly be roles they should play.

Sometimes, the society not only imposes its roles on men and women

but also imposes its economic and social circumstances.

According to the words of the journalist Leta Hong Fincher

who studied things like marriage and gender in a society like the Chinese society.

Leta found a girl from 'Shanghai' summarize the idea of marriage in one sentence which is

The marriage there is not a just story of a couple but a whole society,

fathers, sons, grandfathers, a whole country.

"Hold a second Abo Hmeed, isn't that the normal marriage here not only China?"

Yes but focus on China.

According to the 'Hukou system', a housing system in China,

since 2012, a women should be married in order to own a house in Shanghai.

Many of the Chinese women rejected marriage as a reaction to the society pressure,

to the point that the age of marriage for women in 2000 was 24.9 years

then reached in 2022, 27.95 years,

it increased by around three years!

According to a study,

Marriage is essential in the Middle East and Egypt, it's a standard for maturity.

This is how the society is going to take you seriously.

You are a father, a mother or even married, so you are a grown up person.

Due to the economic circumstances,

a man would be able to marry someone at the age of 31.

The average age of marriage for women is around 23.

My friend, those economic and social circumstances won't end after marriage,

quite the opposite, it increases.

The pressure on the married couples increase to the point that

the divorce percentage reached 65% in the first year of marriage!

65%! which means that a third of marriages only will last, after the first year.

Now, we're facing societies' circumstances have no relation with people themselves.

Those pressures make the marriage and its maintenance, which is more important,

a way harder process!

Maybe marriage isn't affected by the planet you're from, it's not about Mars and Venus.

Marriage may be affected by the country you came from.

Our expectations towards the other partner and society

isn't the only problem of marriage.

Sometimes our expectations towards the marriage are the major problem,

specifically, the expectation for a happy marriage,

which does not have any problems as we see on Instagram,

all day long, doing this love signs!

According to a study published in 2016, it followed 135 couple over 4 years

to compare their expectations about marriage prior of it

to their opinion about marriage after it.

It showed that the husbands who had a rational expectations from the beginning,

are the ones who managed to continue their marriage.

Meanwhile those with irrational expectations, didn't continue at all!

They were more frustrated and had more problems.

My friend, when the best investor in world, Warren Buffett was asked

"If you would choose only one trait to be in your partner, what will you choose?"

His answer was "Low expectations".

If I want to live in a happy marriage,

I should have low expectations toward one another,

consequently, when we do normal things, they're surprised and happy

and when they do normal things, we're surprised and happy,

so we all can live happily.

If we classified marriage problems into two types.

We'll find a type can be solved, it usually is linked with a certain situation.

As long as both of them have low expectations toward each other,

they will notice the problem and solve it.

The other type, is difficult to solve and occurs continuously.

It is usually resulted from an apparent reason covering many other deep reasons.

The problem may take place as a result of the accumulation.

They may fight for not taking the trash out

but actually, the real problem is "Why do always forget to help in the house work?"

Unfortunately 69% of the problems between the couples are the second type.

Because they were focused to built an ideal expectation about marriage

more than focusing on the person they should marry.

Each one of us not only has his own traits and characteristics

but also his own issues

depending on our character formation before having a partner.

The specialist Daniel B. Wile said in his book 'After The Honeymoon',

when you choose your partner, you also choose a group of issues

so it's better to choose the problems you can coexist with.

A happy marriage is the one where a couple is able to

deal with problems that can be solved

before it turns into a permanent problems.

They always discuss their problems or even make some jokes about their own problems!

They joke on their problems not other's, don't do that!

The important thing is that they don't reach, what Gottman call 'stagnation'

it's a state the couple reach when one or both

always feels oppressed or as a victim.

Listen to this and tweet it on your twitter account

"The sad partner is a victim to his own expectations not his partner."

"Abo Hmeed, you're making a big deal out of it,

so to get married, I should take her to be psychologically analyzed,

or live for years in Gottman's lab to monitor us, this is nuts!

let me get married first then we'll go to psychiatrists,

couple therapists, ans life coaches"!

My friend, surprisingly in customer satisfaction surveys,

the couple therapist was the major which got the worst ratings.

This is the most job with the most unsatisfied clients.

Marriage's problem, as I explained,

is the expectations of each gender towards the other,

towards the marriage itself.

Many specialists fell in the same problem and expected that

marriage can be measured

according to their stereotype, a doctor-patient-like relationship

using 'I can fix him/her' method

which never got a good result, as we all know.

The common method to cure the married couples

was created by the psychologist Carl Rogers in the 60s.

Its primary goal was to train psychiatrists

on responding to their patients without judging them.

So the patient can feel as much sympathy as possible, for what he is going through.

Since it's supposed that in the happy marriage each partner can act naturally

while the other partner accepts him with all his pros and cons.

So it's normal that psychologists would train husbands on the same thing,

which is called 'Active Listening'.

It works through giving advise,

for example, to start your speech

using first person pronoun not second person pronoun.

Instead of saying "You made me upset when you left me alone on such day",

say "I was sad to feel lonely on such a day".

The other party would paraphrase the sentence,

but in a way that appreciates the feelings of the speaker

instead of defending oneself.

The first reaction won't be "I was busy, tired, watch your actions",

because I was not accused, I'm seeing someone who's sad and in pain.

So my first reaction will be "It's okay, buddy!"

"Abo Hmeed that's great, where is the problem?"

The problem is that the percentage of succession of this rational method,

even in the presence of psychiatrist, is between 35% to 50% which means it fails.

I'm not just suggesting any random psychiatrist, it's like Neil Jacobson

who wrote important books about marital relations, he hardly passed.

Not only this, at least half of the couples he cured and survived, they relapsed again

and their relation ended again.

According to John Gottman, there's a huge difference in a discussion between

a doctor and a patient in a psychologically good environment

without accumulation of problems

or previous disputes that left marks in each partner,

and between a discussion with your partner who has never studied psychology

and is never a neutral side in the problem,

so it's hard to hear her husband's problems and accept them like the doctor's.

She is his wife not his therapist.

Let me tell you that in the normal psychotherapy,

the doctor tries not to make a personal relation with the patient.

If the discussion between them became personal

the therapist should change the course to a neutral discussion.

This doesn't mean that the active listening and communication skills

don't have a role in successful marriages

but surely it's not enough to save the marriages.

"Abo Hmeed this means that the expectations of each gender

is a trick for the other gender,

and our expectations for the marriage are tricks for us,

and we can be tricked during social or economic difficult circumstances

and I may face this trick with the doctor or the therapist

who I paid for him 800 pounds/hour to treat me!

what should I do or where should I go?"

"Abo Hmeed, I don't want to die sinner, single, or sexually frustrated."

You what? Who are you watching, boy?

Don't worry my friend, we all are going to die in the end.

My friend, do you think I'll leave you that easy?

I should keep on tricking you to continue the episode till the end

and watch all of the ads.

Then I'd come up with the solution after earning my money!

In fact, men are not from Mars, maybe from Siberia or somewhere else!

Meanwhile Women are not from Venus, may be from Comoros!

The matter, of course is complicated,

but I'll say it's easy to get to my point directly!

John Gottman said that the secret of happy marriage

is something common everyone has with equal percentage which is 70%.

It's just one sentence which is "Quality of friendship between both sides".

Friendship here refers to the mutual respect and fun.

Both should know more about the other, things their partner loves,

hates, craziness in each, his hopes and dreams.

In such friendship, your wife can let you eat her chicken dark meat as an act of love,

she knows that you love it more than the white meat.

Husband can spend a long time with his wife's family,

although he doesn't prefer family gatherings or even his wife's family.

That always happens because you win some you lose some,

without being forced to do anything.

"Abo Hmeed honestly, I feel that your words are such a cliche facebook post or a tweet

or to be written in a book, people chant it as mottos but not in reality.

In reality, we need the Red Cross crew to solve these armed disputes,

we are in a cold war and on the threshold of nuclear conflict,

all of these pieces of advise will be forgotten after the honeymoon."

Let's agree that when you watch a football program, it won't teach you how to play

but the application will do.

You just need some theoretical background in order to go on!

The friendship that Mr. Gottamn is talking about,

should be the beginning of the relationship not its end,

it's not that we may become friends,

no it's that if we became friends, we will be partners.

Because it leads to what Robert Weiss named 'victory of positive emotions'.

Simply, in such relationship when the couples fight,

both sides may assume good intentions,

and consider it as a temporary obstacle

in a strong relationship, normal tension, man!

Both sides expectations are positive even though there are problems.

In contrast to, if the negative emotions are the majority.

Will we act as if we're decode scientists or what? Why did he mean by this look?

What did she mean by this blink? They will make a big deal out of every small problem.

All reconciliation attempts during the fight

even if the person who started the reconciliation is skilled in communication,

and a good listener, this won't be heard in his tries, they'd be misunderstood.

"Why are apologizing? You want me to shut up!"

"You're telling me to calm down, do you think I am crazy?"

This is one of the reasons why traditional couple therapy doesn't work well,

in the cases of the majority of the negative emotions.

My friend, this is so important, if there is no trust that we have good intentions,

end this it now, don't continue the episode and end this relationship now!

Because there is no trust, we won't get any positive outcome from this person

or build positive expectations to grow the relationship.

Make sure that your intentions are good

and that you have good emotions toward each other.

As you know my friend, emotions are like money, don't last forever,

they can't make a relationship succeed alone.

Because our feelings don't prevent us from asking for support or providing it.

Gottman considers that emotions regenerate according to the response of each side to

something he named 'Bids' which means the attempts each side does

to tell the other side that he needs him.

Scientifically, in a successful marriage

each partner supports the other in 86% of cases.

"Abo Hmeed, I got 83%, can I do a re-exam?"

Your sense of humor is the reason of your failure in relationships, focus!

If we compared the happy marriages with the ones who ended up with divorce.

We'll find out that the percentage of response for support requests was 33%,

a way lower percentage than of the happy marriages,

you can see the difference between 80% and 30%, roughly.

This support can be simple acts of service, such as "Can you bring me water,

can you put your dish in the kitchen or put my phone on the charger, please."

It includes these easy actions, it also may include great things,

such as taking care of one of the partners family member.

According to Gottman, the important part of romance

isn't a trip to a high end place by the sea

or date in a luxury restaurant with violinist.

But it's the response for simple support requests,

the daily stuff that accumulate a credit of positivity

allowing the relationship to face issues when they occur.

Increase that positive credit as much as you can.

Gottman found out that the women he followed up with,

see that the man who helps in house work

isn't only a great man but sexually attractive too.

Wife notices that her husband focused on her daily routine helping her,

she notices that he is trying to make things easier for her,

not just because she is ill or in emergency,

but he is trying to cheer her up.

According to Gottman, this shifts the focus into

how each one will make it easier for the other

instead of the excessive focus on the mistakes of each other.

Gottman considers this as a proof that there is a problem between them.

They shouldn't be laying in wait for each others.

Daily activities are important

but often breaking their routine is more important and fun.

According to the words of researcher Arthur Aron,

one of the methods to regain joy in a marriage is 'The Exciting Activities'

which are new activities to get to know each other.

According to the book 'The Normal Bar' this revival can happen by small gestures,

it's not necessary to go skydiving in Dubai

or go to escape rooms in Arkan plaza!

With way simpler gestures such as cheek kiss,

massage, watch film or episode from a series,

simple activities that don't need energy, effort, or time.

Have some sympathy, man, and send her a good text message or emoji!

Is it that hard or will you run out of internet?

All in all, the friendship will find its path,

whatever your economic or social status is.

You can express your love and appreciation through it to your partner.

"Abo Hmeed, let me ask you a question I had been asked by a girl in college,

can men and women be best friends?"

According to a study from Stanford Univeristy, which has a special place in my heart,

boys and girls can be best friends during childhood

in 35% of the cases until the age of 7.

But after that, this percentage decreases to almost 0%.

This friendship almost doesn't exist in the age of puberty between the two genders

Because at the time the girls can be influenced by boys or other girls equally,

boys are more influenced by the other boys.

"Abo Hmeed, I'm confused!"

Influence refers to the shape of consultation, participation,

and influence by the others on your decisions,

and the respect of feelings and opinions.

So girls between 5 to 7 years get sick of this situation

and stop playing with boys.

"Abo Hmeed this means that they can not be friends!

you built your episode depending on a poor source!"

My friend, despite all of that, if there is a friendship with positive emotions,

support, and clarity between them,

this revives the lost childhood percentage gradually

between two genders who were raised on two different roles.

According Gottman, family quarrel with mutual influence between the married

who can influence, listen and understand each other,

are less severe from other,

and the possibility of a successful marriage is greater.

In the end, marriage is a relationship between two people with different characters,

their thinking is definitely different too,

they are two people whom society imposed a specific roles on.

Despite all problems, they chose to commit to live together and always do compromises,

compromises with a positive meaning not the negative one,

reaching middle grounds not concessions.

What is more important in this case than the communication skills is to stay friends.

There is no friendship between two

without knowing a lot about each other,

speaking together or understanding each other.

Although you can't and don't necessary have to fix anyone

but you can know him and explore him

even during his changing phase.

A marriage may last for dozens of years,

its normal that people we know change by time

even we may change!

My friend, the successful marriage requires continues effort, the effort never ends.

We understood each other so we created a friendship.

No, we always change, so we should follow up ourselves

and on our partner to maintain marriage.

Figure out what your partner dreams about, how to give him a hand,

what makes him upset from me and how I can stop it.

In the end, there is no mathematical equation that ensures the success of this.

Let me destroy the episode, humanity, civilization, marriage, and everything.

Gottman, our episode reference, was married 3 times and divorced twice,

as we say, "The door of the carpenter is off its hinges!"

Last but not least, don't forget to watch the new episodes and the old ones,

check the sources below and subscribe if you're on YouTube.

Let tell you in the end of the episode how my grandfather saw marriage,

marriage is like a barrel, the first 5 cm are full of honey but the rest aren't.

"Hold a second Abo Hmeed, it seems that I've opened the barrel upside down!"