The beauty of conflict | Clair Canfield | TEDxUSU

Summary

The speaker explores the nature of conflict through vivid metaphors, urging us to see it not as a problem but as a catalyst for transformation. Drawing from 15 years of experience, they offer insights into the deeper issues underlying conflicts and emphasize the importance of responsible communication, vulnerability, and setting boundaries. The acronym VOCAB is introduced as a tool for navigating and resolving conflicts, ultimately viewing them as opportunities for growth and change.

Takeaways

• 🌌 Conflict is often described with strong metaphors that reflect personal feelings and attitudes towards it.
• 💡 The speaker suggests that conflict might not be a problem but a solution, and it can be a source of beauty and transformation.
• 🔑 Recognizing the true underlying issues of a conflict, like identity and relationships, is crucial for understanding and resolving it.
• 🔄 Conflicts can be repetitive and unproductive if one is stuck in a cycle of justification, where they see themselves as blameless.
• 🗣️ Learning to speak responsibly in conflict involves vulnerability, ownership, communication, acceptance, and setting boundaries, which is symbolized by the acronym VOCAB.
• 💔 Vulnerability in conflict means being open about one's feelings, needs, and even mistakes, which can be difficult but leads to deeper connection.
• 🛡️ Ownership in conflict involves taking responsibility for one's emotions, needs, and choices, and recognizing one's part in the situation.
• 🤝 Effective communication during conflict requires asking questions, listening to understand, and expressing oneself with clarity and openness.
• 🙌 Acceptance in conflict means embracing the reality of the situation and letting go of the need to control others or the outcome.
• 🚧 Boundaries in conflict are essential for establishing trust and respect, and they communicate what behaviors are acceptable.
• 🌱 Practicing the VOCAB approach to conflict, like learning a new language, can lead to greater fluency and more positive outcomes in relationships.

Q & A

What are some metaphors mentioned in the script to describe conflict?

The script mentions several metaphors for conflict, including a volcano about to erupt, a hurricane, slow-dancing barefoot on broken glass, trying to hold back the ocean with a broom, war, the plague, and being drawn and quartered.

Why do metaphors for conflict matter according to the speaker?

Metaphors for conflict matter because they often reflect how individuals think and feel about conflict, which in turn influences their approach to dealing with it.

What is the speaker's perspective on conflict after 15 years of experience in the field?

The speaker sees conflict as a transformative power that can change individuals, relationships, and the world around us, rather than just a problem to be avoided or solved.

What are the three keys to changing one's perspective on conflict according to the speaker?

The three keys are recognizing what the conflict is really about, recognizing when one is stuck in conflict, and learning to speak responsibly to create change.

Can you explain the 'iceberg' analogy used by the speaker to describe conflicts?

The 'iceberg' analogy suggests that what we see on the surface of a conflict may seem small, but the deeper, underlying issues can be much larger and more impactful, similar to how only a small part of an iceberg is visible above water.

What does the speaker mean by being 'stuck' in conflict?

Being 'stuck' in conflict refers to a situation where one's approach to resolving the conflict is not working and they continue to repeat the same ineffective patterns of behavior.

What is the acronym VOCAB and what does it represent in the context of the speaker's approach to conflict?

VOCAB stands for Vulnerability, Ownership, Communication, Acceptance, and Boundaries. It is a framework to help individuals be more responsible in their conflict conversations and create change.

How does the speaker define vulnerability in the context of conflict?

Vulnerability is defined as the willingness to let oneself be seen, to share one's true self, feelings, and even mistakes, which can disarm conflicts and create potential for connection.

What is the importance of ownership in the VOCAB framework?

Ownership involves taking accountability for one's own needs, emotions, and choices, which helps in understanding one's contributions to the conflict and empowers one to change direction if needed.

How does the speaker describe the process of communication within the VOCAB framework?

Communication within VOCAB involves learning to ask questions, listen to understand the underlying emotions and needs, and express oneself with vulnerability and ownership, fostering empathy and a different type of conversation.

What does the speaker suggest as the role of acceptance in conflict resolution?

Acceptance in conflict resolution is about embracing reality, letting go of the desire to control what one cannot, and recognizing that change often involves some form of loss.

Can you explain the significance of boundaries in the speaker's conflict resolution approach?

Boundaries are important as they set ground rules for acceptable behavior, communicate what one is and is not okay with, and form the foundation of trust in conflict resolution.

How does the speaker's personal experience with his daughter illustrate the VOCAB framework in action?

The speaker's experience with his daughter shows him practicing vulnerability by admitting his concerns and feelings, taking ownership of his actions, communicating effectively by asking and listening, accepting the reality of the situation, and setting boundaries for future communication.

Outlines

00:00

🌋 The Power of Conflict Metaphors

The speaker introduces various metaphors used to describe conflict, such as a volcano, a hurricane, or trying to hold back the ocean with a broom. These metaphors reflect individuals' perceptions of conflict and how they approach it. The speaker challenges the common view of conflict as a problem and suggests that it can be a solution, even beautiful. They emphasize the transformative power of conflict in relationships and how it requires a shift in perspective.

05:02

🎀 The Frustrations of Everyday Conflict

The speaker shares a personal anecdote about a conflict with their four-year-old daughter over picking up hair accessories. The story illustrates how seemingly trivial conflicts can escalate, leading to frustration and a sense of being stuck. The speaker identifies justification as a common reason for getting stuck in conflicts, as it prevents individuals from recognizing their own role in the situation. They encourage a shift in perspective to break free from these patterns and find a different way to address conflicts.

10:07

🗣️ VOCAB: A New Approach to Conflict

The speaker introduces 'VOCAB,' an acronym that stands for Vulnerability, Ownership, Communication, Acceptance, and Boundaries. These are presented as essential elements for navigating and transforming conflicts. The speaker explains each component in detail, emphasizing the importance of vulnerability in disarming conflicts, ownership in taking responsibility for one's actions, effective communication, acceptance of what cannot be controlled, and setting clear boundaries. The speaker shares a personal story about using VOCAB to connect with their daughter, which led to a meaningful conversation about bullying and strengthened their relationship.

15:09

🌅 Conflict as a Catalyst for Change

The speaker reflects on the role of conflict as a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. They recount a powerful conversation with their daughter that deepened their understanding of each other and helped them navigate challenging emotions. The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to view conflict not as a negative force but as an opportunity for positive change, a doorway to new possibilities, and a source of light after darkness.

Keywords

💡Metaphor

A metaphor is a figure of speech that describes an object or action in a way that isn't literally true but helps explain an idea or make a comparison. In the video, metaphors are used to describe conflict, such as 'a volcano that's about to erupt' or 'like trying to hold back the ocean with a broom,' which illustrates the intensity and complexity of conflicts.

💡Conflict

Conflict refers to a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one. The video's theme centers around conflict, exploring its nature and suggesting a shift in perspective from viewing it as a problem to seeing it as a potential solution and a transformative force.

💡Communication

Communication is the process of exchanging information, ideas, or feelings. The script mentions 'communicate' as common advice for dealing with conflict, but also points out that it can sometimes exacerbate the situation, emphasizing the need for effective and responsible communication.

💡Compromise

A compromise is an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each party making concessions. The video humorously critiques the idea of compromise, suggesting that it can sometimes lead to mutual dissatisfaction, and implies the need for a more profound understanding of conflict resolution.

💡Transformation

Transformation refers to a marked change in form, appearance, or character. The speaker argues that conflict has the power to transform individuals, relationships, and the world, shifting from a traditional view of conflict as destructive to one that is constructive and growth-oriented.

💡Identity

Identity in this context refers to the sense of self or personal identity, which is tied to one's values, beliefs, and experiences. The script uses the example of the speaker's fights about doing dishes, which were actually about wanting to feel competent and likable, illustrating how conflicts can be tied to deeper issues of identity.

💡Justification

Justification is the action of showing or proving something to be right or reasonable. The video discusses how justification can lead to being 'stuck' in conflict, as it creates a belief of blamelessness and absolves the individual from taking responsibility for change.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability here refers to the state of being open and honest about one's feelings, fears, or shortcomings without the protection of a facade. The speaker emphasizes the importance of vulnerability in resolving conflicts by disarming defensiveness and promoting connection.

💡Ownership

Ownership in the context of the video means taking responsibility for one's own needs, emotions, and choices within a conflict. It is part of the process of moving from being stuck to creating change, as it allows individuals to recognize their contributions to the conflict and empowers them to alter their course.

💡VOCAB

VOCAB is an acronym created by the speaker to encapsulate key elements of responsible conflict communication: Vulnerability, Ownership, Communication, Acceptance, and Boundaries. It serves as a guide for having transformative conversations during conflicts, as illustrated by the speaker's personal story about dealing with his daughter.

💡Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits or edges within which something exists or happens. In the context of conflict, setting boundaries involves establishing rules for acceptable behavior and communication, which is crucial for building trust and resolving disputes, as shown by the mediator's approach to facilitating conversations.

Highlights

Conflict is often compared to natural disasters, like a hurricane or volcano, reflecting how people perceive its overwhelming power.

The metaphor of conflict being like 'trying to hold back the ocean with a broom' captures the frustration and futility people often feel.

Common advice such as 'communicate,' 'don’t go to bed angry,' or 'learn to compromise' can sometimes make conflict feel worse or lead to mutual dissatisfaction.

The speaker challenges the notion that conflict is inherently negative, suggesting instead that it can be transformative and beautiful.

Through decades of research, the speaker has discovered that conflict has the power to transform individuals, relationships, and communities.

Recognizing the true underlying issues in conflict is essential—conflict is often not about the surface issue, like dishes, but deeper concerns like independence, respect, and identity.

The speaker uses personal anecdotes about conflicts over dishes to illustrate that what seems to be a minor issue often masks deeper emotional needs and values.

Justification in conflict—believing oneself to be blameless—keeps people stuck, preventing them from changing or resolving the issue.

The acronym VOCAB (Vulnerability, Ownership, Communication, Acceptance, Boundaries) provides a framework for handling conflict responsibly and constructively.

Vulnerability, according to the speaker, is key to resolving conflict, as it involves letting oneself be seen without armor or weapons.

Ownership means taking responsibility for one’s own emotions, actions, and contributions to conflict, which empowers individuals to change direction.

Effective communication involves asking questions, listening without defensiveness, and expressing true feelings with vulnerability and ownership.

Acceptance requires embracing reality and letting go of the desire to control the other person’s actions or feelings in a conflict.

Boundaries are essential in conflict resolution, as they create trust by clearly defining acceptable behavior and expectations.

The speaker shares a moving story of how practicing VOCAB helped transform a difficult relationship with his daughter, leading to a breakthrough in communication.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Jeff Broadbent Reviewer: Xinyi He

(music and applause)

I've heard it described as a volcano that's about to erupt.

A hurricane.

Like slow-dancing barefoot on broken shards of glass.

Like trying to hold back the ocean with a broom.

War.

The plague.

Like being drawn and quartered.

These are just a few examples of thousands of metaphors I've collected

about conflict.

What's conflict like for you?

Your metaphor matters

because it often reflects how you think and feel about conflict.

So it makes sense that if you think conflict is the plague,

you'd probably want to avoid that,

and avoid everybody else that has it too.

If it's like trying to hold back the ocean with a broom,

I would imagine that feels frustrating and futile.

So what do you do when the waves just keep coming?

Because conflict washes ashore in all of our relationships;

at home, at work, in our neighborhoods.

And you've probably already been given advice on how you should deal with it.

"Communicate."

But sometimes talking about it seems to make it worse.

"Don't go to bed angry."

So you stay awake, and now you're angry and tired.

(laughter)

Or, "You just have to learn to compromise."

But if your compromise has ever felt like,

"You don't get what you want, I don't get what I want,

but at least together we're mutually miserable."

(laughter)

Now I'm sure all of this advice is well-intentioned,

but it treats conflict as if it's a problem.

What if conflict isn't a problem?

What if it's a solution?

What if it's not negative, but full of beauty?

After 15 years of studying, researching, teaching, and training in conflict,

I've learned to see it differently.

I've been able to see the power it has to transform -

to transform us, our relationships, and the world around us.

It can be difficult, though, to create that change.

And it means we have to start looking at conflict differently.

No matter how negatively you think about conflict right now,

it is possible to change that.

It takes three keys in order to do that.

The first is to recognize what our conflict is really about.

I have a four decade long history of fighting about the dishes.

When I was a kid I hated doing dishes, and I fought with my parents and my siblings

on nearly a weekly basis about who's turn it was.

When I got to college I fought with my roommates about the dishes

because sometimes they'd go home for the weekend

and they'd leave behind their dirty dishes with their half eaten burritos,

with congealed ketchup, and bowls of

funky, fermenting, green Lucky Charm milk in the sink.

(laughter)

When I got married I fought with my wife about how you're supposed to do the dishes

and if it even counts as doing dishes if you don't rinse the sink out afterwards.

(laughter)

With my own kids I've fought about the dishes,

about them not dirtying 15 cups a day because they get a new one

every single time they get a drink of water,

and trying to get them to help load and unload the dishes.

I mean, maybe I ought to just switch to paper plates.

(laughter)

But maybe, it's not about the dishes.

As I think back, as a kid it wasn't about the dishes,

it was about independence and wanting to make my own decisions.

With my roommates, it wasn't about the dishes.

It was about wanting to feel respected and wondering

if they valued the relationship the same way that I did.

With my wife, it's not about how I do the dishes.

It's wanting to feel competent and likable no matter how I do them.

With my kids, it's not about the dishes.

It's about my identity as a father,

trying to teach them respect and responsibility.

You see, conflicts are a lot like icebergs.

What we see on the surface may seem small,

but what's underneath can send boats like the Titanic to the bottom of the ocean,

and if I don't pay attention to what's underneath my own conflicts

it can rip holes in my relationships.

Conflict is about so much more,

about our identity, our relationships, the things that really matter to us.

And as you're thinking about you're own conflicts,

maybe you can start to see that they might be about something more.

Now, once you recognize what your conflicts are really about,

the second key is recognizing when you're stuck.

Now, I am no stranger to being stuck in conflict.

I started learning about conflict because I was terrible at it.

Well, a couple years ago,

I asked my four-year-old daughter to put away a couple of "hair pretties"

that she had gotten out.

You know, a hair pretty is like little bows and rubber bands,

stuff you put in your hair to make it pretty.

(laughter)

So she took them, but she chucked them on the floor of the bathroom,

and I said, "You can't just put them there on the floor,

you need to pick them up and put them in the tray

with the rest of the hair pretties."

She said, " I don't want to put them in the tray.

And I said, "You got them out. You have to put them away."

She said, "I don't want to!" and started throwing a fit.

So she's laying on the floor, so I get down on the floor next to her

and I put the little hair pretties right next to her hand,

and I bring the tray over, and I'm just like,

"Just put them in the tray."

(laughter)

And she said, "I don't want to!" and flips the tray.

20 more hair pretties go flying over the floor.

So I'm like,

"Line in the sand.

You're not coming out of this bathroom until you pick up all the hair pretties!"

So she tries to rush past me and I block the door with my gigantic body.

And she's flailing at me with her tiny little fists.

Then 20 minutes later I'm at the door

trying to explain to my neighbor who has brought a plate of cookies

to welcome us to the neighborhood

why my daughter is screaming, trying to climb over a mattress

that I've used to block the bathroom door.

(laughter)

Now, that may be entertaining for you,

but at the time, for me, not so much.

I was stuck.

That was not working very well for me.

Have you ever been in your own conflicts and thought,

"This is not working so well for me."

See the thing that gets me stuck there is justification.

Justification is believing that I'm blameless.

And it's so seductive, because in conflict

if I'm blameless, then I don't have to do any of the work to change.

I'm not the one that needs to change. Somebody else needs to change.

And it keeps us stuck.

As you think about your own conflicts, do you ever feel justified but stuck?

Again, that might feel nice in the moment, but in the end it's pretty dissatisfying.

It keeps us doing the same conflicts over and over again

and nothing changes.

You can get unstuck.

If it's not working for you, you can find a different way.

The third key in unlocking the beautiful, transformative power of conflict

is to start learning to speak responsibly.

To have those kinds of conversations where we can create change in ourselves,

in our relationships, in the world around us,

it requires vulnerability, ownership, communication, acceptance, boundaries.

It's hard work, though. It can be as hard as trying to learn a new language.

I've created the acronym VOCAB

to help you in those moments, to think about

how you can be responsible in your conflict,

how you can create the change that you want.

And it starts with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is my willingness to let myself be seen.

To share who I really am, how I really feel, even my mistakes.

To share the needs that I have that are below the surface.

Now when I'm vulnerable, I take off my armor

of justification and defensiveness.

I put down my weapons of blame and accusation.

And that can be terrifying.

But it's beautiful because it disarms our conflicts

and it creates the potential for us to connect instead of to fight.

The O in VOCAB is for ownership.

Ownership is taking accountability for my own needs, emotions, and choices.

Have you ever wondered in a conflict, "How did I get here?"

Maybe you're in the proverbial doghouse and you're sleeping on the couch.

Or maybe your conflicts have escalated into the ridiculous

and you have a mattress blocking the door of your bathroom.

The beauty of ownership is that when I look at my choices and my emotions

in my conflicts,

it starts to help me map the contributions that I make.

I can see how I got here.

I can see exactly which direction I'm headed,

and if that's not working for me it empowers me.

I can shift direction.

The third thing you need, and at the center of VOCAB is our communication.

We have to learn to ask, listen, and express.

It's not enough that we communicate, it matters how we do it.

So I had to learn to stop telling stories that ended with a period.

I had to start asking questions - the kind of questions that help me

understand what's underneath the surface of this conflict,

to help me understand the emotions and needs.

After I ask I can listen.

Not listening for the other person to make a mistake,

or for me to get defensive,

but to listen to what's really important, to hear their requests for change.

And after listening, I can then express.

Not just anger, but express with vulnerability and onwership

how I really feel, what I want, what's important to me.

These conversations where I start to ask, listen, and express;

They're so beautiful because they can create empathy

and a different type of conversation.

The A in VOCAB is about acceptance,

and acceptance is embracing reality and letting go of what we can't control.

There's very little that I can control in conflict.

I can't even get my four-year-old daughter to pick up three hair pretties.

I often want to control how the other person feels and how they behave

but I have to let that go.

I also have to recognize that because conflict is about change,

there's going to be some loss involved.

Sometimes it's just the loss of an idea.

Once upon a time I thought that relationships were supposed to be

happily ever after.

But the truth is, all relationships have conflict,

and until I let go of that fairy tale and embrace the reality of my relationships

could I do anything when those difficulties came.

Finally, the B in VOCAB is for boundaries.

Boundaries are ground rules for acceptable behavior.

Boundaries let other people know what I'm okay with and what I'm not okay with.

This is important because even though it's difficult to say no

and disappoint somebody, "no" is the foundation of trust.

As a mediator, my role is to help people who are stuck in conflict

to have a different kind of conversation.

The way we often begin that is by setting rules for how we're going to interact.

It usually involves things like the parties determining,

"We're not going to call each other names. We won't raise our voices.

We're going to keep this conversation confidential."

The beauty of that is setting those boundaries and respecting them

creates the foundation for trust.

Now, understanding VOCAB, seeing how that works

isn't going to cure your conflicts.

It's still difficult to do, and I still get stuck in justification.

But when I practice it, just like practicing a new language,

I become more fluent.

And it's important because that is what creates the changes that I want

in myself, in my relationships, and in the world around me.

When my oldest daughter turned six and started the first grade,

there started to be a lot of interactions with her sisters that ended with tears

and yelling.

She started to be kind of harsh.

I mean, she'd always liked to be in charge,

but she was kind of bossing her sisters around a lot.

So I tried to put a stop to it.

I lectured her on kindness, and nothing changed.

I yelled at her.

Nothing changed.

I gave consequences and punishments, and it continued for weeks,

on nearly a daily basis.

And I felt stuck.

I didn't know what to do and it was frustrating.

Until one evening, I started practicing VOCAB

and creating a conversation for change.

As I was tucking her into bed, I kneeled down next to her.

I called her name softly and I said,

"I don't know how to be the dad of a six-year-old.

I've never done this before.

But I've been worried and sad.

I don't know what's been going on between us and between your sisters.

I hate that I've yelled at you.

I have to own that. I don't want that.

What I want is for us to be able to talk with each other even when it's hard.

I want us to have a good relationship,

and I want to understand what's happening for you. Can you help me understand?"

She said, "I don't know," and crawled under the covers.

So I worked on keeping my heart open. I laid next to her.

I tried to breathe in and let go of my desire to have her respond.

And then I had the air ripped out of me when I heard her say,

"Dad, have you ever been bullied?"

For weeks she'd been dealing with a bully at school

and hadn't known what to do about it, how to talk about it.

I asked her how she was feeling.

I told her about how I was bullied when I was a kid.

We discussed how she could set boundaries with kids at school.

We talked about, "How do we want to communicate in the future?

How do we deal with these hard emotions when they come?"

That conversation changed me,

and it changed our relationship.

It empowered us to continue creating the changes we wanted in the world around us.

I no longer see conflict as negative.

It's my chrysalis of change.

It's a doorway of opportunity.

It's the first ray of light after a dark night.

What do you want it to be for you?

(applause)

(music)