How to love and be loved | Billy Ward | TEDxFoggyBottom

Summary

The speaker, a former NFL quarterback turned teacher and therapist, shares a heartfelt narrative about the power of love and its ability to illuminate our lives. Through a guided imagery exercise and the story of his student Daniel, he illustrates love's transformative impact, emphasizing the importance of self-love and unconditional love in relationships. The narrative culminates in a personal revelation of finding love with Daniel's cousin Lia, now his wife, and the birth of their sons, symbolizing the enduring legacy of love and light.

Takeaways

• 💡 The central theme of the speech is the importance of love as a guiding light in life, emphasizing that choosing love is always the right choice.
• 🌞 The sun is used as a metaphor for unconditional love, representing someone in life who loves you without conditions, just as the sun shines every day.
• 🏰 The lighthouse symbolizes guidance, indicating a person who helps you find your way back to your authentic self and the truth of who you are.
• 💿 The disco ball represents fun and loving energy, suggesting someone who brings joy and liveliness wherever they go, encouraging you to live and love freely.
• 🧘‍♂️ The guided-imagery exercise is a tool to help participants reflect on the presence of love in their lives through three symbolic items associated with people they know.
• 👶 The speaker shares a personal story about a student named Daniel, who embodied love and positivity, teaching others by his example.
• 🏈 The speaker's own experience of being cut from the NFL and transitioning to teaching highlights the healing power of love and the joy of guiding others.
• 🤼‍♂️ Daniel's impact on the school community as a wrestler and a beacon of kindness and connection is a testament to the power of love to unite diverse groups.
• 💔 The tragic loss of Daniel at a young age serves as a poignant reminder of the fragility of life and the enduring impact of love and light.
• 🌟 The speaker's relationship with Daniel's cousin Lia, which began as a matchmaking attempt by Daniel, blossomed into a loving marriage, illustrating the ripple effect of love.
• 👨‍👦‍👦 The speaker's wish for his sons reflects the universal desire for them to live a life filled with love and to be loved, emphasizing the importance of love as a life goal.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's talk?

The main theme of the speaker's talk is the importance of love in our lives and how it serves as a guiding light in our relationships and personal growth.

What is the significance of the guided-imagery exercise involving the sun, lighthouse, and disco ball?

The guided-imagery exercise is designed to help the audience visualize and connect with three expressions of light that symbolize different aspects of love in their lives, such as unconditional love, guidance, and joyful energy.

How does the speaker describe the relationship between love and light?

The speaker describes love as light, emphasizing that love illuminates our relationships and is a fundamental aspect of our existence, akin to the light from the sun, a lighthouse, or a disco ball.

What is the story of Daniel that the speaker shares?

Daniel was a student of the speaker who embodied love and light through his thoughtfulness, kindness, and energy. Tragically, Daniel passed away due to an aortic aneurysm, but his impact on the speaker and others was profound and lasting.

How did the speaker's experience with the NFL influence his perspective on love and relationships?

The speaker's experience with the NFL taught him about teamwork and relationships on the field. When he was cut from the team, he found healing and a new passion for teaching and spreading the message of love and kindness through his work as a teacher.

What is the connection between the speaker and Daniel's cousin Lia?

The speaker and Lia were initially introduced through Daniel's attempt to play matchmaker. After Daniel's death, the speaker and Lia reconnected, and eventually, the speaker asked Lia to marry him, creating a deeper bond between them.

What lesson does the speaker learn from Daniel's life and death?

The speaker learns that love and light are universal and can be found in everyone and everything. Daniel's life and death taught the speaker to look for and embrace love in all aspects of life, including within oneself.

How does the speaker define 'cool' in the context of Daniel's story?

In the context of Daniel's story, 'cool' is redefined as being thoughtful, caring, and kind. Daniel's genuine personality and actions made these qualities 'cool' and admired by his peers.

What is the significance of the names given to the speaker's sons, and how do they relate to the script's theme?

The names of the speaker's sons, John Daniel (J.D.) and Casey Christian, are significant as they honor Daniel's memory and embody the themes of love and light. J.D. is referred to as their 'little disco ball,' and Casey Christian as their 'little lighthouse,' connecting to the imagery used in the talk.

What is the speaker's ultimate wish for his sons regarding love and football?

The speaker's ultimate wish for his sons is not necessarily for them to play football in the NFL like he did, but rather for them to live a life where they can love and be loved, reflecting the core message of his talk.

How does the speaker use the metaphor of a lighthouse to describe Daniel's impact on his life?

The speaker uses the metaphor of a lighthouse to describe Daniel's impact as a guiding light in his life, especially during difficult times. Just as a lighthouse guides sailors home, Daniel's memory helps the speaker navigate through life with love and purpose.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 The Power of Love and Illumination

The speaker, a father and a therapist, emphasizes the fundamental importance of love in life, drawing from his professional experiences. He introduces the concept of love as a source of inner light, particularly highlighting the significance of self-love and interpersonal relationships. The speaker then invites the audience to participate in a guided imagery exercise to reconnect with love through the metaphors of the sun, lighthouse, and disco ball, associating each with a person in their lives who embodies these qualities.

05:02

🏈 From NFL to Teaching: A Journey of Love and Light

The speaker recounts his transition from being an NFL hopeful to a teacher of theology and football coach at an all-boys prep school, where he discovered a passion for teaching that rivaled his love for football. He shares the story of Daniel, a student who embodied love and light, and who had a profound impact on the school community. Daniel's genuine care and kindness redefined what it meant to be 'cool' and made him beloved by all. The speaker also humorously recounts a matchmaking attempt by Daniel, which ultimately led to a deeper connection with Daniel's cousin Lia.

10:03

🗼 The Tragic Loss and Enduring Legacy of Daniel

Tragedy strikes when Daniel passes away unexpectedly from an aortic aneurysm during his junior year. The speaker shares the profound effect of Daniel's death on the school and himself, describing Daniel as a lighthouse that guides him through life's challenges. After Daniel's death, the speaker finds solace and a deeper connection with Lia, Daniel's cousin, leading to a romantic relationship. The story serves as a testament to the enduring power of love and the impact one person can have on others, even in their absence.

15:06

🌈 Love's Unconditional Light: A Call to Embrace and Share

The speaker concludes by reflecting on the unconditional love that Daniel represented and the importance of finding and sharing love in all aspects of life. He encourages the audience to visualize the sun, lighthouse, and disco ball once more, as symbols of love's various expressions, and to consider how they can embody these qualities in their own lives. The speaker shares his personal journey of finding love with Lia, now his wife, and the birth of their sons, who carry on Daniel's legacy. The message is one of hope, love, and the transformative power of embracing love in all its forms.

Keywords

💡Love

Love is a profound human emotion characterized by affection, protectiveness, and deep attachment towards others. In the video's theme, love is portrayed as the ultimate guiding force and purpose of life, with the power to illuminate relationships and provide unconditional support. The speaker emphasizes that choosing love is always the right choice, as seen through his personal experiences and the story of Daniel, who exemplified love through his actions and connections with others.

💡Illumination

Illumination, in this context, metaphorically represents the act of shedding light, both literally and figuratively, on one's inner self and relationships. The concept is central to the video's message, suggesting that the light within each person can be expressed through love. The guided imagery exercise uses the sun, lighthouse, and disco ball as symbols of different forms of illumination that relate to love and its impact on personal growth and connection.

💡Self-Relationship

The self-relationship refers to the connection an individual has with their own self, which the speaker identifies as the most important relationship one can have. It is the foundation for all other relationships and is integral to the video's theme of self-love and self-understanding. The speaker encourages introspection and self-love as a means of personal illumination and a prerequisite for loving others.

💡Guided-Imagery Exercise

A guided imagery exercise is a form of mental visualization used to promote relaxation and self-reflection. In the video, the speaker leads the audience through such an exercise to help them associate love with three symbols of light: the sun, lighthouse, and disco ball. This exercise is a tool for the audience to connect with the concept of love and its various expressions in their lives.

💡Sun

The sun is used as a metaphor for unconditional love and light in the video. It represents a constant, reliable source of warmth and energy that is always present, akin to the love one receives from someone who cares deeply for them. The speaker asks the audience to consider someone in their life who embodies this quality of the sun, highlighting the importance of recognizing and appreciating such relationships.

💡Lighthouse

A lighthouse symbolizes guidance and direction, serving as a beacon for sailors at sea. In the context of the video, it represents individuals who provide guidance and help others find their way, particularly towards their authentic selves. The speaker encourages the audience to identify someone in their life who acts as a lighthouse, offering direction and support.

💡Disco Ball

The disco ball is used to symbolize fun, energy, and the joy of living. It represents people who bring a lively and loving atmosphere wherever they go, encouraging others to embrace life and love fully. The speaker prompts the audience to think of someone who embodies this spirit and how they inspire them to live and love more freely.

💡Authentic Self

Authentic self refers to the true essence of an individual, unfiltered by societal expectations or external pressures. The video emphasizes the importance of being guided towards one's authentic self, as represented by the lighthouse metaphor. The speaker suggests that true guidance comes from those who help one reconnect with their genuine identity and purpose.

💡Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is a form of love that is given without any expectations or conditions. It is a central concept in the video, where the speaker discusses the power of love that is freely given, as exemplified by the sun's rays. The speaker encourages the audience to practice and recognize unconditional love in their relationships, as it is a transformative force.

💡NFL

The NFL, or National Football League, is referenced in the video as part of the speaker's personal narrative. It serves as a backdrop to the speaker's journey from a professional football player to a teacher and therapist, illustrating the transition from a career focused on competition to one centered on nurturing relationships and spreading the message of love.

💡Tragedy

Tragedy is a significant event causing great suffering, distress, or loss. In the video, the speaker recounts the tragic death of Daniel, which serves as a poignant reminder of the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing love and relationships. The speaker's personal encounter with tragedy underscores the video's theme of the value and impact of love.

Highlights

Life is fundamentally about love, and choosing love is always the right choice according to the speaker's experiences as a teacher and therapist.

The concept of 'illumination' is explored through the metaphor of inner light shining through love in relationships.

The importance of self-love as the most crucial relationship we have, preceding others.

A guided-imagery exercise is introduced to help participants associate light with love in their lives.

The sun is used as a metaphor for unconditional love, prompting participants to identify someone in their life who embodies this quality.

The lighthouse symbolizes guidance towards one's authentic self and truth, encouraging reflection on personal guides in life.

The disco ball represents fun and loving energy, inviting participants to think of someone who brings joy and liveliness wherever they go.

The story of Daniel, a student who exemplified love and light through his actions and relationships, is shared.

The speaker's personal journey from being an NFL hopeful to becoming a teacher and the impact of Daniel's influence on his perspective.

Daniel's unique ability to connect with everyone in the school and redefine what it means to be 'cool' through kindness and thoughtfulness.

The tragic loss of Daniel to an aortic aneurysm and the profound effect it had on the speaker and the school community.

The idea that love and light can be found in everyone and everything, as illustrated by the speaker's experience seeing a student who resembled Daniel.

The speaker's belief that the toughest and most manly thing a person can do is to love unconditionally and authentically.

The analogy of love as a team sport where everyone is a part of the team, with Daniel being an all-star.

The speaker's personal growth and the relationship that developed with Daniel's cousin Lia, leading to marriage and a family.

The speaker's hope for his sons to live a life where they can love and be loved, reflecting on the importance of love in their future.

The conclusion emphasizes the transformative power of love and the potential for it to bring a new level of meaning to our relationships and experiences.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Ilze Garda Reviewer: Ariana Bleau Lugo

Here's the deal:

Life is really all about love.

I'm not just saying that because I'm a father of a newborn baby;

I'm saying that because as a teacher and as a therapist

I've seen people basically choose between two things:

love or something else.

What I've witnessed and experienced is this:

When people choose love,

they always choose right.

I was asked to speak today on the topic of illumination,

and it made me think about the way the light inside us all can shine.

My favorite way is through our love

which can illuminate in our relationships.

The most important relationship that we'll ever have,

is the relationship that we have with ourselves.

And next comes the relationships that we share with one another.

As simply as I can put it,

we are here, on this very Earth, to love and to be loved -

and love is light.

In a second, what I'd like to do with you today,

is a brief, relaxing, guided-imagery exercise,

where I'm going to have you close your eyes and consider

three expressions of light that can return us to love.

I'm going to have you close your eyes and consider three items,

and then associate each item with a person in your life.

So, let's get ready.

Can I ask you to put your feet flat on the floor,

palms facing up in your lap,

and when you're ready,

gently allow your upper eyelids to meet your lower eyelashes.

Close your eyes and let's everyone take a deep breath.

Relax your shoulders.

The first item I'd like you to picture is the sun.

Picture the sun in the big, blue sky, feel the warmth of her rays,

and consider how the sun continues to show up every day,

sharing its light and energy unconditionally,

even on a cold February morning.

Is there somebody in your life that reminds you of the sun?

Somebody that loves you unconditionally?

Picture that person now and feel their love.

The next item I'd like you to picture is a lighthouse.

See the light emanating from the top of the structure

at the ocean's edge where the sea meets the land,

and remember its primary purpose:

To help guide sailors and boaters home.

Is there somebody in your life that helps guide you home?

To your authentic self?

To the truth of who you are?

To the person that you're meant to be?

To the path that you're meant to be on?

Picture that person now

and consider the direction that they're encouraging you to head in.

The last item I'd like you to picture is a disco ball.

See the light bouncing off of it,

think of the energy in the room where you might find this unique object,

maybe you hear your favorite song playing.

Is there somebody in your life that reminds you of a disco ball?

Somebody that shows up with the fun, loving energy

wherever they are, wherever they go?

Picture that person now

and consider how they are encouraging you to live and love.

Gently float open your eyes.

Today I'd like to share a story with you about a student of mine.

His name was Daniel.

I met Daniel the very first year I was a classroom teacher.

I had no experience as a theology teacher in an all-boys prep school,

and somehow this little guy, this 103-pound wrestler,

he became more of a teacher to me than a student,

because he showed me and everybody in the school building

how to shine their love and their light

by being an example of how it's done.

You see, the same year that I met this little guy

was the same year that I was cut from the NFL.

Felt like a little bit of my light had been taken from me

when the Baltimore Ravens told me I can no longer be their quarterback.

I had trained with them all summer, I felt like a kid in Disney,

I was playing and competing with some of my childhood heroes

in stadiums that I had only visited as a fan.

Playing in the NFL was an incredible experience,

but at the end of the summer,

a week before our first game, on the last day of cuts,

I was released.

I had to return home to New Jersey to figure out a new career.

I had graduated from Georgetown University

with the degree in psychology, so I guessed I could teach that,

but I was hired at an all-boys prep school

to coach football and teach theology.

It was kind of like a life course for the incoming freshmen.

Gave me the opportunity to teach the guys

the importance of being kind, caring and thoughtful.

It really healed my broken heart.

I loved teaching as much as I loved playing football.

And that's where I met Daniel.

He came into my classroom like a little disco ball.

He had an energy and a light about him that everybody wanted to be around.

Daniel connected with everybody in the school.

I used to love watching him walk the hallways.

His smile was reflected back to him in every corner.

Athletes, band guys, cool guys, smart guys,

teachers and coaches,

all felt the love of this pint-sized, 103-pound wrestler.

People loved Daniel because he was free.

He was free to be himself,

and most of us know how difficult that can be.

I remember when Daniel found out it was my birthday

during his freshman year.

He took it upon himself to create a homemade birthday card for me.

He even taped a Starburst candy and a pack of Wrigley's gum to the inside.

He presented it to me in front of the class.

Daniel was redefining cool,

and he made it cool to be thoughtful, caring and kind,

and his classmates loved him for it.

It was in this way that our brotherly bond began.

And it was during his sophomore year

that Daniel started to campaign for me to date his older cousin Lia,

so that we could officially be family.

(Laughter)

He even brought her to a wrestling match one weekend.

I was only there with about one other person,

and Daniel had about 15 relatives cheering him on that night.

It was a beautiful night.

Then Daniel came into school the following Monday,

and he was mad.

He said, "Mr. Ward, you brought your girlfriend to my wrestling match,

when I brought my cousin to introduce you?"

(Laughter)

I said, "Wow, Daniel, hold on a second!

That girl happens to be my younger sister,

(Laughter)

and, second of all,

I didn't know you were trying to play matchmaker that night."

It felt like a real compliment to my teachings.

My message of love and be loved was really making an impact.

For years, I've been practicing

shouting commands for the NFL football field,

but I had been practicing another message all along.

I was never the type of football player that was overly aggressive or tough.

I never yelled at my teammates,

and I never yell at my students in the classroom.

Some people say this may make people walk all over you,

but I believe otherwise.

An older teacher once told me, when I first began teaching,

that I shouldn't smile in the classroom until after a few months have gone by.

(Laughter)

I guess the theory is that the students would think I was tough,

but I love to smile,

and I have a different theory.

I believe that the toughest guy in the room

is not the football guy;

it's the loving guy.

It's the most manly thing that can ever be accomplished.

It's not that difficult to do,

but it requires great thought and courage.

I loved football because I thought it was one of the finest team sports.

When we're on the field,

playing together, relating as teammates,

defending each other, protecting each other,

doing a little dance in the end zone to celebrate the points we score -

Football was really about relationships.

And so is love.

Love is a team sport.

A team that we are all a part of.

And on this team, Daniel is an all-star.

But Daniel never had the glory of an end zone dance,

or even a dance at his junior prom.

And that's because his life extinguished way too early.

One night, during Daniel's junior year,

in February,

he was rolling up the mats with his wrestling buddies,

and he collapsed in pain.

Daniel suffered an aortic aneurysm,

and he died early the next morning in hospital.

It was tragic.

The date was February 7th, 2002.

Exactly 12 years ago today.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I'm here today with the opportunity

to share Daniel's story with you.

Daniel is my lighthouse.

When the water is dark and dangerous,

the lighthouse can provide a warm and inviting light,

almost as if to say, this way home.

Daniel brought me home literally by bringing me to his home.

The night after he died, I visited his family,

along with the number of other teachers from our school.

We were all greeted by Daniel's cousin Lia,

who thanked us for being there during such a devastating time.

I introduced myself as Daniel's theology teacher,

and she replied,

"Oh, you're the one that Daniel wanted me to marry!"

(Laughter)

It was kind of like a light went on.

I ended up sitting with Lia and her mom,

sharing stories of Daniel and looking at pictures.

It was a really difficult time for us both,

but it hard for me not to notice

that Lia had the same passion and energy for life

that I saw in Daniel.

I wish he could have seen us meet.

Riding home that night, I quietly recalled my last moment with Daniel.

He was visiting my class.

And like many times before,

Daniel would just stroll right in.

And because I was sitting behind the desk, he came over to me,

and we're about the same height,

and our shoulders bumped into each other as we talked.

I introduced him to the class

as the 103-pound wrestler who was having a great season,

and the younger guys just looked at him in awe.

Here was this guy, smaller than most of them,

but he carried so much weight and loving energy.

On his way out of the classroom that morning,

Daniel turned over his shoulder in his cool little way and said,

"See you around, Mr. Ward."

Daniel died early the next morning.

Couple of weeks later, I thought I saw Daniel at school.

The student was sitting with [his] back to me,

and it looked like Daniel.

And for a moment I believed that it was him.

But soon the student stood, and it obviously wasn't Daniel.

But to me the message was clear.

The same love and light

that I witnessed and experienced in Daniel,

could be found in everyone and everything.

So I began to look for Daniel,

to look for love in everyone and everything,

and at the crucial point in my life, even in myself.

Daniel was right when he said, "See you around."

Because the same love in him is within us all.

Just as I tell my students back at school,

there is so much goodness in you,

and you are all, each and everyone of you,

worthy of love and belonging,

just as you are, imperfectly perfect.

And once you begin open yourself to love,

you will learn to see it everywhere,

creating a peace, a freedom and a truth

that will shift your overall, entire experience.

Think about it.

If I stand right here and I shift just a little bit,

my view changes entirely.

The same is true for love.

If we can begin to make an effort

to love and be loved without any conditions,

we will bring a whole new level of meaning

to our relationships and to our experience.

I'm going to ask you to close your eyes one more time.

Picture the sun.

Author Anthony de Mello writes:

"Has the Sun ever said to the Earth: you owe me.

Look what happens to a love like that. It lights up the whole sky."

Is there somebody in your life that can use a little unconditional love?

Picture that person now.

Remember the lighthouse.

Remember its primary purpose: To help guide sailors and boaters home.

Is there somebody in your life that can use a little guidance,

a little direction?

Picture that person now.

And, lastly, picture the disco ball.

Daniel was free to be himself

because he loved himself unconditionally.

We could all reflect a little bit of love back home,

so that we can dance like nobody is watching.

Is there something in your life that you've been waiting to do?

Gently float open your eyes and smile.

Twelve years ago, after Daniel died,

I decided to ask his cousin Lia out for dinner in his honor.

We had so much to talk about,

and I'm happy to tell you that, four years after that,

I asked Lia to marry me.

She continues to light up my life every day,

Lia is my sunshine, and now we have two sons.

Our oldest is almost three, and his name is John Daniel,

whom we affectionately call J.D.,

and he's our little disco ball.

We also have another son, who is just 12 weeks old now.

His name is Casey Christian, and he's our little lighthouse.

When people ask Lia

if the boys will play football in the NFL someday like their daddy did,

she says, "Maybe."

But our only wish for them is to truly live a life

where they can love and be loved.

Thank you very much.

(Applause)