Proud to call you my transgender son | Skip Pardee | TEDxReno

Summary

In this heartfelt TED Talk, a father shares the journey of his family, particularly his transgender son Dana, who transitioned at age 21. The talk explores the emotional challenges faced by transgender individuals and the critical role of family support. It emphasizes the importance of love and acceptance, as the family navigates societal perceptions and the personal growth of Dana, highlighting the resilience and strength of character that remain constant through transition.

Takeaways

• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The speaker shares a personal story of his family's journey with his transgender son, Dana, emphasizing the importance of love and support.
• 🏳️‍🌈 Dana, born and raised as a female, transitioned to live as a male at the age of 21, highlighting the complexity of gender identity.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The family's initial reaction to Dana's revelation was one of acceptance and support, demonstrating the power of unconditional love.
• 📚 The speaker discusses the concept of 'gender spirit' to explain the internal conflict a transgender person may feel between their mind and physical body.
• 🔢 The script reveals startling statistics, such as 41% of transgender individuals attempting suicide at some point in their lives.
• 🤔 The cause of transgender identity remains unknown, despite various theories, indicating the need for ongoing research and understanding.
• 🏷️ The speaker clarifies the use of pronouns when referring to Dana's past and present, showing respect for Dana's current identity.
• 👶 The narrative emphasizes that transgender individuals are born with their identity, not choosing it, and that they have always felt a disconnect with their assigned gender.
• 🏋️‍♀️ Dana's story includes experiences of being mistaken for a male from a young age, and the challenges faced in sports and social settings.
• 🌟 The speaker recounts Dana's heroic act of saving a life at age 12, illustrating the character and strength of transgender individuals.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The family's story concludes with a call to action for parents to provide love and support to their transgender children, to prevent further suffering and potential tragedies.

Q & A

How long have the speaker and his wife been married?

The speaker and his wife have been married for 37 years.

What significant change occurred in the speaker's family four and a half years ago?

Four and a half years ago, the speaker's daughter Dana transitioned from living as a female to living as a male, identifying as a transgender person.

What was the speaker's initial reaction when Dana came out as transgender?

The speaker reassured Dana that they would still love and support her regardless of her gender identity, which was a relief to Dana.

What is the emotional conflict that transgender individuals often experience?

Transgender individuals often experience a constant emotional conflict between their gender identity (mind and spirit) and their physical body, which can be so powerful that it can potentially overpower the instinct for survival.

What is the statistic mentioned regarding suicide attempts among transgender people?

41% of transgender people attempt suicide at some point in their lives.

How does the speaker describe the process of using pronouns for Dana?

The speaker has a protocol where he uses 'she' or 'her' when referring to Dana's life before her transition and 'he' or 'him' after the transition.

What was Dana's experience like growing up, and how did others perceive her?

Dana, who was assigned female at birth, was often mistaken for a boy due to her appearance and interests. She was a tomboy and was very athletic, which was a source of confusion for others but also a saving grace for her.

What incident from Dana's childhood demonstrates her character?

When Dana was 12, she heroically saved a 7-year-old girl named Kendra from drowning at Lake Tahoe, showcasing her bravery and quick thinking.

What message does the speaker have for parents of transgender children?

The speaker urges parents to provide love and support to their transgender children, as their emotional well-being is crucial, and lack of support can lead to severe consequences such as suicide.

How has the family's relationship with Dana changed since her transition?

The family's relationship with Dana has grown closer since her transition, and they express the same level of love and pride for her as they did before, now embracing her as their son.

What is the speaker's hope for the impact of his TED talk?

The speaker hopes that his TED talk will inspire and give courage to transgender individuals and their families, potentially preventing suicides and family breakdowns.

Outlines

00:00

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Introduction to a Family's Journey

The speaker introduces his family, including his wife Veronica, daughter Rita, and son Dana, who is transgender. He shares that both children are graduates of the University of Nevada-Reno. The speaker humorously notes his advanced age when his children were born, and then focuses on Dana's transition from female to male at the age of 21. He recounts the day Dana came out to them, expressing her fear of rejection based on stories she had read online. The speaker reassures her of their love and support, and the family's journey with Dana's transition begins, marked by media attention and increased family closeness. The speaker also provides a definition of what it means to be transgender, explaining the emotional conflict and the high rates of suicide attempts within the transgender community.

05:00

🏳️‍🌈 Understanding Pronouns and Dana's Early Life

The speaker discusses the use of pronouns when referring to Dana, establishing a protocol to use female pronouns for Dana's early life and male pronouns for her life post-transition. He shares anecdotes from Dana's childhood, highlighting how she was often mistaken for a boy and how she exhibited typically male behaviors and interests. The speaker also shares stories from Dana's school years, including an incident where Dana's gender was questioned during a sports game, and how sports were a refuge for her. The narrative emphasizes the speaker's unawareness of Dana's transgender identity and his initial perception of her as a tomboy.

10:01

🌟 Dana's Heroic Act and the Impact of Transition

The speaker recounts a heroic act by Dana at the age of 12, where she saved a young girl from drowning, showcasing her character and bravery. He reflects on how Dana's character remained consistent through her transition, with only her appearance and, sometimes, her voice changing. The speaker emphasizes the importance of happiness and comfort in one's own body post-transition. He then directly addresses parents of transgender children, urging them to provide love and support, as the lack of it can lead to severe mental health issues, including suicide. The speaker shares statistics on suicide attempts among transgender individuals and the increased risk when they face family rejection.

15:01

💖 The Power of Love and Acceptance

The speaker shares a heartfelt message, urging parents to love and support their transgender children, as it is crucial for their well-being. He shares a personal story of his family's journey, highlighting the joy and love within their family despite the challenges they faced. The speaker expresses hope that his talk might inspire and give courage to transgender individuals and their families, potentially preventing tragedies like suicide or family breakdowns. He concludes with a sincere wish for his talk to make a positive impact, reflecting on the unconditional love and acceptance that define his family's relationship with Dana.

20:04

🌈 Closing Remarks and Hope for the Future

In the final paragraph, the speaker shares a recent picture of Dana, showing his happiness and the pride the family has for him. He reiterates the family's pride in Dana, whether as their daughter or their son, and expresses hope that his TED talk might reach a young transgender person and their family, potentially preventing a suicide or family separation. The speaker concludes by thanking the audience and reflecting on the success of his mission if his talk can make a difference in the lives of transgender individuals and their families.

Keywords

💡Transgender

Transgender refers to individuals whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. In the video, Dana is described as a transgender male, born and raised as a female but identifying and transitioning to live as a male. This concept is central to the video's theme, illustrating the emotional and social journey of embracing one's true gender identity.

💡Transition

Transition in the context of the video refers to the process by which a transgender person begins to live as their identified gender. For Dana, this involved changes in appearance, social role, and potentially medical interventions to align her physical appearance with her male gender identity. The video emphasizes the importance of this process for Dana's well-being and authenticity.

💡Pronouns

Pronouns are used in the video to highlight the correct way to refer to transgender individuals according to their gender identity. The speaker uses 'she' or 'her' when talking about Dana's early life before her transition and 'he' or 'him' afterward. This usage underscores respect for Dana's identity and the fluidity of gender expression.

💡Emotional Conflict

Emotional conflict in the video is described as the internal struggle that transgender individuals face due to the discrepancy between their gender identity and their assigned sex. This conflict can lead to significant distress and, as mentioned, contributes to high rates of suicide attempts among transgender people. The video uses this term to convey the intensity of the challenges faced by those undergoing gender dysphoria.

💡Suicide

The video discusses the high rates of suicide attempts among transgender individuals, particularly when they face rejection from their families. It serves as a stark reminder of the importance of support and acceptance for mental health and survival. The statistic of 41% of transgender people attempting suicide at some point in their lives is used to emphasize the gravity of the situation.

💡Character

Character in the video is used to describe the inner qualities and moral constitution of an individual, which remain constant regardless of their gender identity. The speaker emphasizes that being transgender does not equate to one's character, using Dana's heroic act of saving a life as an example of her strong character.

💡Acceptance

Acceptance is a central theme in the video, advocating for the recognition and support of transgender individuals by their families and society. The speaker shares his family's journey of accepting Dana's transition, highlighting the positive impact of love and support on the well-being of transgender individuals.

💡Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is portrayed as the unwavering support and affection that the speaker and his wife provide to their transgender son, Dana. It is presented as a critical factor in Dana's successful transition and happiness, contrasting with the potential harm caused by rejection.

💡Family Support

Family support is highlighted in the video as essential for the mental health and well-being of transgender individuals. The speaker recounts how his family's support for Dana played a crucial role in her transition and happiness, urging other parents to offer the same to their transgender children.

💡Awareness

Awareness in the context of the video refers to the increased understanding and recognition of transgender issues by society. The speaker discusses how his family's awareness of Dana's struggles and eventual transition was crucial, and he calls for broader societal awareness to prevent tragedies and promote understanding.

💡Counseling

Counseling is mentioned in the video as a resource that the speaker's family sought to help Dana with her struggles before her transition. It represents an attempt to address gender dysphoria and other psychological challenges faced by transgender individuals, emphasizing the importance of professional support in their journey.

Highlights

The speaker's family life changed dramatically when his daughter Dana came out as transgender.

Dana, born female, transitioned to live as a male at the age of 21.

The speaker reassured Dana of their love and support, despite his conservative background.

The family faced public exposure with front-page newspaper articles about Dana's transition.

Transgender people experience a conflict between their gender identity and physical body.

41% of transgender individuals attempt suicide at some point in their lives.

The speaker discusses the importance of using correct pronouns when referring to transgender individuals.

Transgender people are born with their gender identity, they do not choose it.

Dana's gender identity was apparent from a young age, often being mistaken for a boy.

Dana's parents were aware of her struggles but were initially unaware of the term 'transgender'.

Dana's character and personality remained consistent before and after her transition.

The speaker shares a heroic act by Dana as a child, saving a life, demonstrating her character.

The speaker urges parents to support their transgender children to prevent suffering and suicide.

The family's love and acceptance have brought them closer together.

The speaker hopes his story can help other families understand and support their transgender children.

The speaker's message is one of compassion, understanding, acceptance, and unconditional love.

Transcripts

Translator: Ilze Garda Reviewer: Denise RQ

About four and a half years ago,

my life, and the life of my wife, and my two children

rather suddenly and dramatically changed.

This is our story.

To begin, meet my family.

This is my wife Veronica, we've been married for 37 years.

This is my 29-year-old daughter Rita.

For obvious reasons, I call her my glamor girl.

This is my 26-year-old son Dana.

Both Rita and Dana are proud graduates of the University of Nevada-Reno,

and both of them were born when I was in my 40s,

making me old enough to be their grandfather.

Now, look at this picture of Dana closely,

because I am going to show you a picture of Dana nine years ago,

senior in high school.

You see Dana is my transgender son.

Born and raised a female,

Dana transitioned her life to live it as a male

four and a half years ago, at age 21,

making Veronica and I,

at an age when I was just seven months before turning 65,

parents of a transgender son.

And I thought the golden years were going to be boring.

(Laughter)

It all started for me on February 13, 2011.

On that day,

my 21-year-old daughter Dana came home from college

to inform mom and dad

that through a great deal of study,

and counseling, and thought

she had come to the conclusion that she was in fact a transgender male

- a male living in a female body -

and was going to begin the transition to live her life as a male.

On that day, Dana was terrified.

She had read story after story on the Internet

of families who had rejected,

abandoned, condemned, disowned their own child

merely because they were transgender.

Dana wasn't too worried about her mom,

but she had no idea

how her old, conservative, catholic,

ex-military officer dad, me, would react.

You know, we talked a lot that day, and one of the things I told Dana was,

"Dana, for heaven's sake, don't worry about mom and dad.

You are still our child, we'll still love you,

and we'll support you any way we can."

Dana says that it was the most anticlimactic moment of his life.

(Laughter)

Since then, we have been through a lot,

including front-page newspaper articles about Dana and our family

in the Carson Valley, the Reno' and the Las Vegas' newspapers.

We've learned a lot, and we are closer than ever as a family.

So, what is transgender?

When we are created, we are given a body, a mind, and a spirit.

A transgender person is given the mind and the spirit of one gender,

- and I like to call it a gender spirit, in Dana's case it was male -

and then they are put

into the physical body of the opposite gender

- in Dana's case it was female -

and they live their lives with this constant emotional conflict

between who they feel that they are and who their physical body says they are.

And this emotional conflict can be so powerful

that it can literally overpower

the basic human instinct for a survival,

which partially explains why 41% of transgender people

at some point in their life attempt suicide.

What causes transgender?

I've seen a lot of theories;

I really don't think anybody really knows yet.

So I told you that we've learned a lot,

and I'm going to talk about some of the things we've learned,

but first I have to talk about pronouns.

Hes, and shes, and hims, and hers.

I have a protocol with Dana

that when I talk about Dana for the first 21 years,

before she made the transition to male, I refer to Dana as 'she' or 'her',

because that's the way I remember her.

When I talk about Dana afterwards, today, I refer to Dana as 'he' or 'him',

because that's the way he is today.

And if you think it's confusing,

you needed to be in my house for the last four and a half years.

(Laughter)

Alright, things that we've learned.

First thing: a transgender person is born the way they are,

they never had a choice.

In everything that I have read,

almost every account from a transgender person,

they say that for as far back as their memory takes them,

they knew that something wasn't right, they knew that their mind felt

that they were one gender, their body was the other.

In Dana's case, growing up -- it was rather interesting

because Dana not only felt like she was a boy,

Dana not only wanted to be a boy, Dana looked like a boy.

To the extent that everywhere where Dana and I went,

from the time Dana was just a little tike

to 16 years old, a fully developed female,

everybody said, "Dr. Pardee, is this your son?"

I'd say, "No, it's my daughter."

And they would blush and get all embarrassed.

When Dana about 11 or 12 years old,

I asked if that bothered her that people always mistake her for a boy,

and she said, "No, dad. Only when they are mean about it."

So I'm going to show you pictures of Dana growing up.

A picture [of when she was] about 3 years old here.

You tell me where the girl is in this picture.

It's not the one holding the teddy bear.

Dana is in the middle. Notice the short hair?

Dana always wanted her hair short,

and Veronica and I had absolutely no objection, whatsoever;

it was pretty easy for us.

This is a picture of Dana, a family picture,

about the first or second grade.

I've had this picture hanging in my office since it was taken, about 1995, 1996,

and everybody who comes into my office would say, "I thought you had two girls!"

I say, "I do. That's Dana. Dana is my daughter."

They say, "No, this looks like your son." I say, "No, it's my daughter."

Here's Dana in the fifth grade.

In the fifth grade, Dana's teacher had them make a list

of what they wanted to be in life or what they wanted to do in life,

and I remember distinctly Dana writing, "I want to be a boy."

Two years later, when Dana was in the seventh grade,

she was playing in the girls' seventh grade basketball team.

They were at an away-game,

and before the game, the opposing coach requested from the officials

that Dana --

(Sobbing) Sorry.

that Dana be taken into the locker room and proven that she was a girl.

(Sobbing)

I'm sorry.

That kind of hit me through the heart when that happened.

Here's Dana in the eighth grade.

Just about this time frame, Dana was at the department store,

and she heard these three girls about her age

talking about this hot guy.

So Dana set out trying to find the hot guy.

Turns out they're talking about Dana.

Notice the volley ball? Dana was a very good athlete.

Dana tells me that sports were her saving grace growing up.

Going on the ninth grade, or in the ninth grade,

Dana started on a girls' GV volleyball team,

started as a catcher on a girls' GV softball team,

and was the starting center on a girls' varsity basketball team

at Douglas High School.

This picture, taken in Dana's freshman year,

won awards in the state of Nevada

for one of the best newspaper sports pictures of the year.

All the time that Dana was growing up,

Veronica and I were very, very well aware

of Dana's struggles with looking so much like a guy.

As a matter of fact,

two times we put Dana in counseling with a psychologist

to try to help her.

We talked to her a lot about it, so we weren't unaware of it,

but what we were unaware of

is that potentially Dana could have been transgender.

And you know why?

Because neither one of us had a clue what transgender was.

If you remember, before, first, Chaz Bono, and then Caitlyn Jenner today,

transgender was something that happened in our society,

but nobody talked about it.

So we had no clue that Dana was potentially transgender.

In all honesty,

Dana was my tomboy, and I loved it.

Dana was the son that I never had.

We did everything together: playing catch in the backyard,

hundreds of hours of shooting hoops in the driveway,

there is not a person here today

who will beat her in a free throw shooting contest.

Wolf Pack, basketball games, football games,

we did everything together.

And you know what?

I always knew that some day

Dana was going to grow into a tall, beautiful young lady.

And guess what?

It happened.

About half way through high school,

Dana started wearing her hair longer, started to wear make-up,

and by senior year in high school,

people were telling me that Dana could be a world-class model.

But as opposed to the vast majority of tomboys

who grow up and are comfortable in their own body,

this constant feeling

that she was a male living in a female body

just never would go away.

It just wouldn't go away.

Just a short time after Dana turned 17 years old,

she saw an Oprah's show about transgender people,

and Dana said, "Oh my god, that's me!"

But for almost five years, Dana never told anybody about it.

This is, well, the last picture I have of Dana

before she made a transition to live her life as a male.

Her sister Rita throughout this entire process

has been Dana's number one supporter.

So again, a transgender person is born the way they are,

they never had a choice.

Second thing.

To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,

judge a transgender person by the quality of their character.

Character is who we are inside, that's who we are as a person.

The vast majority of people in this world are good people, there is a few bad ones.

The vast majority of transgender people are good people,

there is probably a few bad ones.

But being transgender has nothing to do with character

and should not be equated.

There is lots of stories that I could tell about Dana's magnificent character.

Dana was refreshingly honest, even as a little kid,

always very responsible, and to this day,

one of the hardest workers I have ever known.

But there is one story that just stands out

further than any other thing.

It was June of the year 2001.

Dana had just turned 12 years old.

She went to Lake Tahoe with a group of friends to go swimming.

Dana and her 11-year-old friend Aly were snorkeling in the water,

and Dana said, "Let's swim out to that rock out there."

So, they were swimming out to the rock.

Dana looked back, and Aly's 7-year-old sister Kendra

was trying to keep up with them, tagging behind them.

Dana said, "I swam a little bit further and looked back,

and Kendra was gone."

Without a moment's hesitation,

Dana ripped off her snorkel gear, dove down in ten feet of water,

and found Kendra unconscious on the bottom of Lake Tahoe.

Dana lifted that lifeless body off the bottom of the lake,

struggled to get her to the surface.

With one arm held on to Kendra, with the other arm swam to that rock,

Dana told me, "Dad, she was getting so heavy,

I didn't think I was going to make it."

Dana made it to that rock,

she pulled Kendra out of the water, she threw her over her leg, face down,

and she hit her as hard as she could on the back.

And Kendra spit up water and started breathing again.

Today, 22-year-old Kendra Renolds,

currently working on her master's degree,

is alive

because of this remarkable, heroic rescue

by a 12-year-old girl, named Dana Pardee

(Sobbing)

(Applause)

who today I call my son.

For 14 years,

every time I thought about that, I get tears in my eyes.

Every single time.

You know, I've learned something about what happens

when a transgender person changes from one gender to the other.

Their character stays the same,

it doesn't change, they are still the same person,

they still basically have the same personality.

Really only two things change.

One is that they look different, their appearance changes,

and sometimes their voice changes.

And you know what?

After a while, you just get used to that.

And the second thing is that they are happier,

because they are finally comfortable in their own physical body.

The third thing is really the reason that I'm here today.

And I'm addressing my remarks directly to the parents of a transgender child.

Mom, dad, please listen to me.

Your transgender child

desperately needs your love and support.

You don't know it probably

because they're probably holding it inside of them.

But they are suffering, they are struggling,

they are probably being teased and bullied at school.

I can almost guarantee you they are going through depression.

One transgender person said to me,

"I cried myself every night to sleep in my childhood."

And there is a very, very good chance that they are contemplating suicide.

You don't want to be like those parents and families of those people

that Dana read about on the Internet,

who rejected, abandoned their child.

That, I guarantee you, is a prescription for suicide.

I told you that 41% of transgender people

attempt suicide at one point.

When they are abandoned by their families, 59% of them attempt suicide.

You don't need that to happen.

You need to sit down with your child

and tell them that you love them, and you will support them all the way.

You have no idea how important it is to that child.

Love your family, take care of your family,

and love and support your transgender child -

that is my message here today.

Veronica and I did that.

I want you to look at this picture.

Look at my family,

look at the joy in the faces of my family.

That's the way we are as a family,

that's what compassion, understanding, acceptance,

and, most of all, unconditional love will get you.

Veronica and I have been asked many times over the last few years,

"How did you go through this experience so graciously?"

And I thought and I thought about it, and you know what?

What it really comes down to

is that Rita, and Veronica, and I just dearly love Dana.

Dana is a really good person.

This picture, taken last winter in Massachusetts --

look at the smile, look at all of him.

There isn't a parent in this audience today

who wouldn't be honored - honored - to have Dana as your son,

he's such a good person.

For 21 years,

Dana and I were proud to call Dana --

or Veronica and I were proud to call Dana our daughter.

Today, we are just as proud to call Dana our son.

I'll close by expressing my very sincere hope

that someday, somewhere,

there is going to be a young transgender person

who is going to view this video

and then they're going to build up the courage to view it with their parents.

And maybe, just maybe,

it will prevent a suicide,

or stop a family from needlessly breaking apart.

And when that happens,

this old, conservative, catholic,

ex-military officer's mission

of giving this TED talk today

will have been successful.

Thank you.