Don't neglect your emotions. Express them — constructively! | Artūrs Miksons | TEDxRiga

Summary

In this TED Talk, a medical doctor and psychotherapist narrates a day-to-day story involving a young girl named Lucy and her desire for cookies, illustrating the universality of emotions. He explains the role of the limbic system in emotional responses and the importance of empathy in understanding and sharing feelings. The speaker uses personal experiences, including the loss of his father, to highlight how emotions can influence behavior and the significance of expressing and acknowledging emotions in both personal and professional relationships.

Takeaways

• 🛒 The speaker humorously recounts a story of a young girl named Lucy and her desire for cookies at a supermarket, illustrating the universal longing for immediate gratification.
• 🌈 The story of Lucy serves as a metaphor for how emotions can shift rapidly from joy to disappointment, much like the change from a sunny day to a storm.
• 🧠 As a medical doctor and psychotherapist, the speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding emotions as biological responses, not just logical reactions.
• 🤔 The speaker challenges the myth that doctors should remain detached, arguing that empathy, rooted in the limbic system, is crucial for effective therapy.
• 👶 Sharing personal anecdotes, the speaker describes how emotions are not always logical and can be deeply influenced by personal experiences, such as babysitting an infant and dealing with a child's distress.
• 🧬 The speaker explains that emotions are neurophysiological and can be contagious, affecting how we respond to others' feelings.
• 🚫 The societal and parental pressures to conform to emotional stereotypes are critiqued, as these can lead to suppression of natural emotional responses.
• 😢 The speaker's personal loss of his father and the subsequent emotional turmoil highlight the complexity of grief and how it can manifest in unexpected ways.
• 🗣️ The speaker encourages the expression of emotions, suggesting that acknowledging and verbalizing feelings is a critical part of the healing process.
• 🤝 The importance of being present with others in their emotional experiences is underscored, as it fosters a deeper sense of understanding and connection.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial plan for the Friday afternoon?

The speaker planned to go to the supermarket to buy cookies that he had been looking forward to all day.

Who did the speaker encounter at the cookie aisle in the supermarket?

The speaker encountered a little girl named Lucy, who was about four or five years old.

How did Lucy react when she saw the speaker taking a few packs of cookies?

Lucy imitated the speaker and took ten packs of cookies, putting them under her armpits and triumphantly heading to the cashier.

What happened when Lucy's mom was checking out the cookies at the supermarket?

Lucy's mom took all the cookies out of the basket, leaving only one pack, which caused Lucy's happiness to turn into anger and frustration.

What was the granny's role in the story at the supermarket?

The granny appeared and started to have an opinion on the situation, reminiscing about how things were different in her time.

Why is it important for a psychotherapist to feel what the patient feels?

It allows the psychotherapist to better understand the patient's emotional state and provide more empathetic and effective treatment.

What part of the brain is responsible for emotions according to the speaker?

The limbic system is the part of the brain responsible for emotions.

How did the speaker and his girlfriend handle their friend's infant, David, when he started crying?

They tried various methods such as caressing him, changing his diaper, and feeding him, but nothing seemed to soothe him, leading to feelings of helplessness and frustration.

What was the speaker's reaction to his father's death?

The speaker was filled with rage, screamed, yelled, and broke furniture in his apartment.

Why did the speaker initially consider canceling his TED Talk?

He was afraid of feeling emotions while standing on stage and possibly breaking down in front of the audience.

What lesson did the speaker learn from Lucy's mother's reaction to her disappointment?

Lucy's mother acknowledged Lucy's feelings and validated her emotions, showing that it's okay to feel angry or sad, which is a healthy way to process emotions.

What was the main message the speaker wanted to convey to the audience?

The speaker wanted the audience to understand the importance of being present with someone in their feelings, not just understanding their situation intellectually.

Outlines

00:00

🍪 The Cookie Aisle Encounter

The speaker shares a personal anecdote about a Friday afternoon visit to the supermarket, where they were excited to buy cookies. They encountered a little girl named Lucy, who was also eager to buy cookies. The speaker observed Lucy's excitement and subsequent disappointment when her mother, at the checkout, limited her to just one pack of cookies. This led to Lucy expressing her frustration and sadness, which the speaker empathized with. The story serves as an introduction to the speaker's profession as a medical doctor and psychotherapist, highlighting the importance of empathy and emotional connection in understanding patients.

05:02

👶 The Emotional Rollercoaster of Babysitting

The speaker recounts an experience of babysitting an eight-month-old baby named David. Initially, the evening was pleasant, but David soon became upset, crying for an extended period. The speaker and their girlfriend tried various methods to soothe him, but to no avail. This led to the speaker feeling a range of emotions, including helplessness, anger, and despair, mirroring David's own feelings. The speaker emphasizes the neurobiological connection between emotions and the importance of acknowledging and understanding one's feelings, rather than suppressing them.

10:05

😡 The Impact of Grief on Daily Life

The speaker discusses how the death of their father affected them emotionally. They describe their initial reaction of anger and the subsequent feelings of hatred towards others, which they did not initially attribute to their grief. This led to difficulties in their professional life, including a reluctance to give a TED Talk due to the fear of expressing emotions publicly. The speaker reflects on the challenge of acknowledging and expressing emotions, especially in a professional setting, and the importance of being present and empathetic towards oneself and others.

15:09

😢 The Power of Empathy and Emotional Expression

In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes their talk by emphasizing the importance of empathy and emotional expression. They recount the story of Lucy and her mother, who validated Lucy's feelings of anger and sadness over not getting the cookies she wanted. The speaker shares their own experience of expressing grief over their father's death and the relief that came from acknowledging and discussing their feelings. The talk concludes with a call for everyone to seek and provide emotional understanding and support, not just intellectual understanding.

Keywords

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. In the video, the speaker as a psychotherapist emphasizes the importance of empathy in connecting with patients. It's highlighted when he describes how he feels what his patients feel, using the example of the little girl Lucy's disappointment at not getting the cookies she wanted.

💡Limbic System

The limbic system is a set of brain structures common to all mammals, involved in情绪调节. The speaker explains that the limbic system is responsible for emotions, which are neurophysiological responses rather than logical ones. This concept is used to explain why people can feel emotions in response to others' experiences, as seen when the speaker feels the same emotions as his patients.

💡Stereotypes

Stereotypes are widely held but fixed and oversimplified ideas or images. The speaker discusses how stereotypes about emotional expression, particularly gendered expectations, are taught from a young age, which can lead to the suppression of certain emotions. This is illustrated by the audience's reaction to the question about wanting men to be emotional.

💡Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms refer to the strategies people use to manage stress or emotional challenges. The speaker talks about how people may not realize they are suppressing certain emotions until they manifest in other ways, such as anger or fear, which are coping mechanisms for dealing with more complex feelings.

💡Grief

Grief is the deep emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away. The speaker shares his personal experience of grief after his father's death, which led to feelings of rage and later, unexpected anger towards others, illustrating the complex emotions associated with loss.

💡Psychotherapist

A psychotherapist is a mental health professional who helps clients resolve psychological issues. The speaker's role as a psychotherapist is central to the narrative, as it provides context for his understanding of emotions and their impact on human behavior, as well as his ability to empathize with others.

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions. The speaker discusses how societal expectations and stereotypes can affect emotional regulation, leading people to suppress certain feelings. This is evident in the story of Lucy, whose mother allows her to express her disappointment rather than suppressing it.

💡Neurobiological

Neurobiological refers to the intersection of neuroscience and biology, particularly how the nervous system and brain influence behavior and emotions. The speaker uses the term to describe the physical processes in the brain that underlie emotional responses, such as feeling helpless and angry while trying to soothe a crying baby.

💡Validation

Validation is the act of confirming or accepting the truth or value of something. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses how validation of emotions, such as Lucy's mother acknowledging her daughter's feelings, is crucial for emotional health. It's shown to be a powerful tool for emotional support.

💡Expression of Emotions

Expression of emotions refers to the act of conveying one's feelings, either verbally or non-verbally. The speaker emphasizes the difficulty of expressing emotions, especially in a way that is vulnerable, such as crying in public. He contrasts this with the ease of thinking about emotions internally.

💡Support System

A support system consists of relationships that provide emotional strength and assistance. The speaker mentions the importance of having someone who can be there for you emotionally, not just someone who understands your situation but who feels with you, highlighting the role of a support system in emotional well-being.

Highlights

The speaker shares a relatable story about going to the supermarket for cookies and encountering a young girl named Lucy.

Lucy's excitement over the cookies and her subsequent disappointment when her mother limits her purchase to one pack.

The speaker's observation of the emotional transformation in Lucy from joy to anger and sadness.

A humorous account of an older woman's intervention, reflecting on how times have changed.

The speaker's professional background as a medical doctor and psychotherapist, emphasizing the importance of empathy in therapy.

An explanation of the limbic system's role in emotions and how it allows us to empathize with others' feelings.

A personal anecdote about babysitting an infant named David and the emotional challenges it presented.

The realization that the speaker's own feelings of helplessness and anger mirrored those of the infant.

The speaker discusses societal stereotypes and how they influence our emotional expression.

An exploration of how cultural norms can suppress certain emotions, leading to emotional suppression.

The speaker's personal experience of grief after his father's death and the unexpected anger it caused.

A reflection on how the speaker's grief manifested as anger towards others, even strangers.

The struggle with preparing for a TED Talk while dealing with personal loss and the fear of showing emotions publicly.

The story of Lucy is revisited, highlighting her mother's empathetic response to her daughter's disappointment.

The importance of acknowledging and validating emotions, as demonstrated by Lucy's mother.

The speaker's own emotional journey, from suppressing feelings to expressing them, and the difficulty of doing so.

A call to action for listeners to seek and provide emotional understanding and empathy in their relationships.

Transcripts

Transcriber: Nevaz Mescioğlu Reviewer: Peter van de Ven

It's a Friday afternoon,

I have finally finished my workday, and there is just one thing on my mind:

I can finally go to the supermarket

and get those cookies I've been dreaming about my whole day.

I get to the local store which is near my flat,

I get near the aisle where there's bunch of cookies,

and I'm standing there with a gaze,

and I notice there's a little girl next to me.

She's about four or five, let's call her Lucy.

And Lucy has that same smile on her face like, "All of these are going to be mine!"

At that moment, I just take one or two packs for myself,

she sees how I do this, she's like, "Aha, this is how it works."

She takes ten of them, puts them in her armpits

and victoriously goes to the cashier's office.

And you have that sensation there's like ponies and rainbows

and the sun is shining and she's going to have a blastly Friday.

I gather my stuff, get to the cashier's, and I notice we are in the same queue.

Lucy is there with her mom, she's thrown all the cookies there in the basket

and unfortunately, as life is, mom takes all the cookies out,

just leaves one pack.

And when she takes them out,

you notice that the sunshine and rainbows slowly start to fade.

And that's when Lucy starts to become a bit grim, she becomes a bit angry

and starts to say, "Wait, wait, hold on there Sparky, what's going on?"

And then she realizes this is not going to end well,

and those rainbows and sunshine turn into rainy clouds and a thunderstorm,

and that small sweet Lucy isn't sweet Lucy anymore.

She becomes angry and shouts, and yells,

"Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why? I want those cookies!" and so on

and starts to cry suddenly.

And then there's kind of a fuss around the situation -

everybody looks at how the mom is going to react -

and at this magical moment, all of you probably know,

a magical thing happens.

Somewhere from the store, the granny appears.

(Laughter)

She appears and starts to have an opinion, of course, on the matter.

"Oh, in my time, things were different."

Yada yada yada.

Let's pause for a brief moment here.

What you've just heard is basically a part of my daily life.

Being a medical doctor and a psychotherapist,

I hear a lot of stories which people go through.

And there is this myth

that you have to, as a doctor, distance yourself a bit from patients

in order to not get too involved, too attached and so on,

which is not quite true.

When you are a psychotherapist, you need to actually let yourself feel

to some degree, to some extent what the patient feels.

How that works is not magic, it's simple biology.

You have a part of your brain that is called the limbic system,

which is responsible for how you feel,

where your emotions, yours and mine, reside.

And when you have an emotional reaction,

it's never logical, it's neurophysiological,

it's biology, it could be completely illogical.

And when somebody feels something, you can start to feel in a similar manner.

To give you an example,

few years ago, me and my girlfriend were asked to babysit our friend's infant.

Let's call him David.

David is about eight, yeah, eight months old.

We arrive at their place, we go in,

and you have like a déjà vu feeling,

like sunshine and rainbows and ponies.

Everything is great, you go in, it's going to be a blasty evening.

The parents leave; we have a very nice time with David.

But the infant who is eight month old is at a very special age.

Everything's kind of nice up until one point David notices something.

"You're not my real parents, now, are you?"

(Laughter)

At which point, David starts to cry, as babies do.

For five minutes.

"Oh, David, it's going to be fine."

"We just have to caress him, maybe put him to bed."

Fifteen. OK, then.

"Let's change the diaper." "Yeah, sure, let's change the diaper."

We change the diaper.

Twenty five, for Christ's sake.

"Let's feed him?" "Yes, let's feed him!"

We feed him.

Forty.

At this point, you start to have various ideas in your head,

like, for example, "David! Shut up, David! Please shut up!"

or that you would just leave him somewhere,

or you could just ignore him for the rest of the evening.

But you realize you can't do that.

An hour.

An hour and ten.

And I remember so vividly,

my girlfriend was holding David in her hands, and he's still crying,

We're standing in the doorway,

we look at each other, and we realize we're screwed!

At that moment, what basically happens on a neurobiological level,

you can't act out in this instance when you want to shake David,

you want to put him away, you want to do something else.

But it's interesting to notice in yourself how you actually feel.

And how I actually felt at that moment was completely helpless, angry,

in despair, scared at the same time, I don't know what to do.

If you think about it, it's the same way how David feels.

He's been abandoned by his parents -

bastards left him all alone with these two strangers at home.

God knows what they're doing.

So he's abandoned, all alone, helpless, hopeless and scared.

And the only thing you can do in this instance

is to just be there with him and to feel him

and to help him in his feelings what he's feeling.

It's interesting, when we start to feel something, how our minds change,

kind of to some degree tell us what we actually feel.

Every single one of us

has been born with a completely different set of a brain,

how we experience feelings, how intensively that happens -

but we experience all the same feelings.

The odd thing is while we are growing up we are taught, mostly by our parents,

what feelings to feel and not to feel.

Stereotypes exist because to some degree, they are true.

If we are very open about things, then if I ask the ladies of the audience

you'll probably want your men to be emotional, right?

I can just - "No." Someone said no.

No? See? Proves my point!

So, to some degree you want him to be emotional,

but if you're very open to yourself,

you don't want the whole emotional spectrum.

You want him to be firm and stable, a man on a high horse -

or Mercedes, whatever you prefer.

But you don't want that embarrassment,

the shame, the fear, the excessive jealousy.

You don't want that, do you?

The same question would be for the men.

You do want your lady next to you to be emotional, right? Of course not.

You want her to be on the shy side, maybe be afraid sometimes.

You're going again ride on your high horse and your Mercedes,

and save them from despair, but ...

good girls don't get angry, do they?

You don't like the hysteria, you don't like the anger.

These are the stereotypes that are taught to kids already from day one,

to basically eradicate some of the feelings that they have.

And the more the years go by,

you start to actually think you don't feel something,

and then you put your feelings somewhere else.

You start to think you're angry at somebody else,

you start to think you're afraid or ashamed of something else,

which is not quite true.

To maybe not talk so much broadly

and saying everything about you,

I'd like to share the story about me,

how my feelings get in the way of my work.

Four months ago, I received one of the worst phone calls you can get.

In the evening, when I finished my work,

my mom called me and told me those words I was always afraid to hear from her:

that my father had passed away.

And I remember when I came home, how filled with rage I was.

I screamed and I yelled, I broke some furniture in my apartment.

And my girlfriend was there to see that thing happening to me.

Of course, the funeral goes by and life goes on.

Then you start to notice something interesting,

that some weeks have passed, and walking on the streets to work,

I don't even think about my dad in any way, any shape or form,

but I'm looking at the people around me, and I notice a feeling in myself:

I hate every single one of them.

I hate their smile, even hate babies that I see.

You start to notice, What the hell is happening to me?

You get to work, you're angry at your colleagues.

You want to tell them how important it is to cherish relationships,

how important it is to do stuff, to do things on time,

not to let things go, and so on and so on and so on.

Months have passed, and I was asked to do this TED Talk.

I was preparing the speech for my TED Talk,

and every single time I did it, I realized it is not good enough.

This isn't good enough, that isn't good enough.

At some point, I even had the idea I'm going to cancel this whole TED thing.

I called up my mom and said,

"You know, I think I'm going to give up all this TED thing.

I don't want to do it."

And she said, "Why?"

"Well, because, I don't know, because I am going to stand there

and don't know what I'm going to say and so on."

And then it hit me, why I didn't want to be here.

It's not because I don't know what to say. I give lectures all the time.

I know what I am going to talk about.

The reason why I didn't want to be here

because I know I would feel something standing right here.

What I am actually feeling right now.

I notice my heart racing.

I notice that I'm sad that he is not here.

He's not going to call me after this lecture.

I notice that I'm angry that that's an inevitable thing of life.

At the same time, I'm to some degree maybe scared or ashamed:

What if I drop a tear while I'm talking to you?

How awful is that going to look?

But I didn't finish the story about Lucy, did I?

If we go back to Lucy, Lucy's mom could've done anything.

She could've told her, "That's not how a girl behaves.

Look at that granny who's shouting at you.

Look at the man, that tall man behind you, he is looking weirdly at you."

I'm looking what was actually happening.

And she didn't just keep silent and not say anything.

She didn't devalue her, she didn't condemn her,

she didn't do anything of the sort.

All she did was to get the groceries that she had,

took Lucy on her arms,

and I heard her just so vaguely that Lucy continued to tell mom,

"I want those cookies so badly," and "I wanted them."

And the only thing Lucy's mom said to Lucy was, "I know, honey. I know you did.

But it's OK to be angry, it's OK to be sad."

And I remember I'm walking home

from this very simple scene any one of you has maybe already seen.

I go in my apartment.

My girlfriend meets me. She asks me, "Well, how was your day?"

I said, "I started off with a smile on my face,"

said, "I just saw a girl not get any cookies."

She's like, "What? Are you OK?"

I'm probably in a psychotic state right now.

I said no. I told her the whole story about the store.

And at some point I notice that my smile turns into a single tear that I have.

She asked me, "Why are you crying? Is everything OK?"

I said "No. I miss him, like a lot."

And the hardest thing about feelings, actually,

is that it's easy, to some degree, to think about them in your head.

But it's much harder to actually express them out loud.

And all of my patients every single time ask me one of the same questions:

"What's the difference that I tell you that I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm helpless,

I'm hopeless, I'm happy? What's the difference?"

And I tell them, "This is the difference,

that somebody's here - this time it's me -

who actually doesn't just understand what you are going through,

but I feel what you're feeling to a certain amount."

Question always is,

The experiences we have in life,

how will that impact your and my ability

to, let's say, be there with somebody and feel these feelings?

The same way as David needed somebody to be there,

the same way Lucy needed somebody to be there,

even I need somebody there to be there for me.

And I hope every single one of you has the experience

that not somebody understands you, but somebody feels you.

Thank you.

(Applause)