The Weird Things Avoidants Do If They Like You

Summary

This video script delves into the peculiar behaviors of dismissive avoidant individuals in relationships. It explores their preemptive breakup strategies, such as establishing a casual mindset and creating emotional distance, to maintain independence. The script also uncovers the concept of 'micro gifting,' where avoidants give small, insignificant gifts to downplay emotional connection. It challenges common assumptions about their love languages, revealing a preference for quality time and physical touch over acts of service. The script further discusses their tendency to engage in intellectual sparring as a form of connection and their strategic emotional distancing to test relationship safety. The narrative aims to understand avoidants' complex behaviors as a means of protection and connection, encouraging empathy and patience in navigating relationships with them.

Takeaways

• 🚪 The script discusses the 'doors of weirdness', each representing a peculiar behavior exhibited by dismissive avoidant individuals in relationships.
• 🎬 The speaker shares personal anecdotes, including a preemptive breakup plan during a date, to illustrate the avoidant's need for emotional distance and independence.
• 🛡️ Avoidants may establish a 'no strings attached' mindset early in relationships to keep the breakup option open, creating emotional barriers and distancing themselves.
• 🎁 'Micro gifting' is a behavior where avoidants give small or downplayed gifts to minimize the emotional impact and protect themselves from potential rejection.
• 💬 Contrary to expectations, avoidants may value 'quality time' and 'physical touch' as primary love languages, despite their general aversion to verbal expressions of affection.
• 🤔 Avoidants might engage in intellectual sparring as a way to connect with others without being emotionally vulnerable, using intellect as both a barrier and a bridge.
• 🏃‍♂️ The script outlines a four-stage process where avoidants create emotional distance with purpose, including testing, silent check-ins, creating opportunities for the other person to initiate, and offering reverse support.
• 🔄 Avoidants' behavior can be paradoxical, distancing themselves while also seeking connection, which can be confusing for their partners.
• 🧠 Understanding avoidants requires interpreting their actions beyond the surface, recognizing that their emotional distance is a complex mix of protection and a desire to connect.
• 💔 The challenge for partners of avoidants is to see past the walls they build and understand the vulnerable person behind them, who seeks acceptance and understanding.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video script?

The main topic of the video script is the peculiar behaviors exhibited by individuals with dismissive avoidant attachment styles in romantic relationships.

Why does the speaker believe they are in a unique position to discuss dismissive avoidant behaviors?

The speaker believes they are in a unique position to discuss dismissive avoidant behaviors because they used to be a dismissive avoidant themselves.

What is the first 'door of weirdness' discussed in the script?

The first 'door of weirdness' discussed is 'Preemptive Breakup Planning,' where the speaker shares their personal experience of setting the stage for a breakup before any serious relationship had even begun.

What are some tactics dismissive avoidants might use to maintain emotional distance early in a relationship?

Dismissive avoidants might use tactics such as establishing a no-strings-attached mindset, creating emotional distance early on, dropping hints of future disconnection, creating scenarios that could lead to conflict, and referencing past failures.

What is 'micro gifting' as described in the script?

Micro gifting is a behavior where avoidants give extremely small or obscure gifts that don't really make sense at first glance, often downplaying the gift's value or significance.

Why might avoidants downplay the value of a gift they give?

Avoidants might downplay the value of a gift to protect themselves from potential rejection and to avoid exposing their true feelings.

What are the unexpected love languages for avoidants according to the script?

Contrary to expectations, avoidants may cherish 'Quality Time' or 'Physical Touch' as their love languages because these require the least amount of verbal expression while still establishing affection.

How does intellectual sparring serve as a form of connection for avoidants?

Intellectual sparring allows avoidants to connect with someone they like without being emotionally vulnerable, using their intellect as both a barrier and a bridge.

What is the purpose behind an avoidant creating emotional distance?

An avoidant might create emotional distance with purpose to test the safety of the relationship or to maintain control over their emotions, often involving stages of subtle testing, silent check-ins, creating opportunities for the other person to initiate, and reverse support.

What is the underlying hope of avoidants when they exhibit these 'weird behaviors'?

The underlying hope of avoidants when they exhibit these behaviors is that their partner will understand them and stick around, despite the walls they build to protect themselves.

Outlines

00:00

🚪 Preemptive Breakup Planning

This paragraph discusses the peculiar behavior of dismissive avoidant individuals, particularly their tendency to plan for breakups before a relationship even begins. The narrator shares a personal anecdote from 2010 involving a date with a girl named Cassie, where he repeatedly emphasized the casual nature of their outing to maintain emotional distance. The paragraph outlines four strategies avoidants use to set the stage for a potential breakup: establishing a no-strings-attached mindset, creating emotional distance early on, dropping hints of future disconnection, and creating scenarios that could lead to conflict. These behaviors are intended to protect the avoidant's independence and provide an easy exit if things become too intense.

05:01

🎁 Micro Gifting

The second paragraph delves into the concept of 'micro gifting,' a behavior where avoidant individuals give small, seemingly insignificant gifts as a way to express affection without exposing their true feelings. The narrator explains that when avoidants receive gifts, they may react by either avoiding using the gift, accidentally breaking it, giving it away, or buying the same item for themselves. When giving gifts, they downplay their value, often claiming it was found or obtained for free. Three examples of micro gifts are provided: found objects, practical yet impersonal items, and items claimed to be free. The narrator relates this behavior to their own past actions, illustrating how avoidants use micro gifting as a protective mechanism to avoid rejection and maintain emotional safety.

10:03

💬 Avoidant Love Languages

This paragraph challenges the assumption that avoidant individuals primarily express love through acts of service, which are thought to be practical and emotionally distant. Instead, the narrator reveals that avoidants may actually value quality time and physical touch more, as these love languages require less verbal expression while still conveying affection. The information is supported by a quote from a therapy website and a Reddit thread where avoidants express their preference for these love languages. The narrator points out the irony in this preference, as quality time and physical touch are typically associated with closeness, which avoidants usually avoid. This insight suggests that the behavior of avoidants is more complex and contradictory than it might initially appear.

15:04

🤓 Intellectual Sparring

The fourth paragraph explores how avoidants may engage in intellectual sparring as a form of connection that allows them to maintain emotional distance. Instead of typical flirtation, they might challenge their partner's views or engage in playful debates to connect on an intellectual level without vulnerability. The narrator references a book 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which discusses the tendency of avoidants to seek intellectual equality in a relationship. This behavior serves a dual purpose: it allows avoidants to connect with others while also creating a sense of distance, which can be a form of preemptive breakup planning. The paragraph outlines three instances where intellectual sparring is observed: challenging views, playful debate, and respect through challenge.

🔒 Emotional Distance with Purpose

The final paragraph discusses the intentional emotional distance that avoidants create in relationships. Despite the apparent contradiction, this behavior is a complex strategy to test the safety of the relationship and maintain control over their emotions. The narrator describes four stages of this behavior: subtle testing, silent check-ins, creating opportunities for the partner to initiate, and offering reverse support. These actions are not meant to be dismissive but are a way for avoidants to connect while protecting their vulnerability. The paragraph concludes by emphasizing the need for understanding and patience when dealing with avoidants, suggesting that their behavior, while confusing, is driven by a deep desire to connect without losing their sense of self.

Keywords

💡Dismissive Avoidant

Dismissive Avoidant refers to an attachment style characterized by a tendency to dismiss the importance of close relationships and avoid emotional intimacy. In the video, the speaker identifies as a dismissive avoidant and shares personal experiences to illustrate this behavior, such as preemptive breakup planning.

💡Preemptive Breakup Planning

This term describes the behavior of planning for a breakup before a relationship has even become serious. The speaker uses this concept to explain how they would set the stage for an easy exit from a relationship to protect their independence, as seen in the example of the date with Cassie where the speaker repeatedly emphasized it being 'just a friend date.'

💡Emotional Distance

Emotional distance refers to the act of creating a psychological space between oneself and others to avoid vulnerability. The video discusses how avoidant individuals might create emotional distance early in a relationship to prepare for a potential separation, even when things are going well.

💡Micro Gifting

Micro gifting is the act of giving small, often downplayed or obscure gifts as a way to express affection without exposing one's true feelings. The video provides examples such as found objects, practical yet impersonal items, or items claimed to be free, which avoidants might give to their partners to show care while maintaining emotional safety.

💡Love Languages

Love languages are the ways in which people express and experience love. The video challenges the assumption that avoidants prefer acts of service by suggesting that they may actually value quality time and physical touch more, as these forms of affection require less verbal expression.

💡Intellectual Sparring

Intellectual sparring is a form of engaging with someone through debates or discussions that are intellectually stimulating. The video describes how avoidants might use intellectual sparring as a way to connect with others without being emotionally vulnerable, as a means to both bond and maintain distance.

💡Creating Scenarios for Conflict

Creating scenarios for conflict involves intentionally or unintentionally setting up situations that could lead to misunderstandings or arguments. The video mentions this as a strategy used by avoidants to preemptively sabotage relationships, controlling the narrative of a potential breakup.

💡Referencing Past Failures

Referencing past failures is when an individual frequently brings up past relationships that didn't work out as a way to set expectations low. In the video, this behavior is discussed as a self-defeating tactic used by avoidants to prepare for the end of a relationship before it has fully begun.

💡Avoidance Attachment

Avoidance attachment is a broader term encompassing various attachment styles where individuals tend to avoid close relationships and are uncomfortable with dependency and intimacy. The video script uses this term to discuss the general behaviors and mindsets of avoidantly attached individuals.

💡Emotional Safety Net

An emotional safety net is a psychological concept where individuals create strategies or plans to protect themselves from emotional pain or vulnerability. The video uses this term to describe how avoidants plan for breakups or create emotional distance as a way to ensure they have an escape route if things become too intense.

💡Silent Check-ins

Silent check-ins are a behavior where an individual keeps tabs on someone they are interested in or involved with, but does so indirectly without direct contact. The video describes this as a way for avoidants to maintain a connection while still preserving their emotional distance and independence.

Highlights

Dismissive avoidants exhibit preemptive breakup planning to protect their independence.

Avoidants may establish a 'no strings attached' mindset to keep the breakup option open.

Creating emotional distance early on is a tactic used to prepare for potential separation.

Avoidants might drop hints of future disconnection to manage expectations.

They may create scenarios that lead to conflict as a preemptive sabotage strategy.

Avoidants often reference past failures to set low expectations for current relationships.

Micro gifting is a behavior where avoidants give small, obscure gifts to downplay their vulnerability.

Avoidants may give 'found' objects as gifts, framing them as chance discoveries rather than meaningful presents.

Practical yet impersonal gifts are used to maintain a sense of practicality while avoiding emotional depth.

Avoidants might claim gifts were obtained for free to minimize their perceived value and emotional significance.

Contrary to expectations, avoidants may value quality time and physical touch as their primary love languages.

Avoidants engage in intellectual sparring as a way to connect without emotional vulnerability.

Challenging partners' views is a tactic used to engage on an intellectual level without emotional exposure.

Avoidants may use playful debates as a form of bonding that keeps their emotional distance.

Respect through challenge is a method avoidants use to show appreciation for a partner's intelligence.

Avoidants create emotional distance with purpose, using it as a test for the relationship's safety.

Silent check-ins are a way for avoidants to keep tabs on partners while maintaining emotional distance.

Avoidants set up scenarios for partners to initiate contact as a way to gauge their understanding of their needs.

Reverse support is a strategy where avoidants offer help in detached ways to connect without vulnerability.

Understanding avoidant actions requires recognizing their complex mix of protection and connection.

The challenge in relationships with avoidants is to see past their walls to the vulnerable person within.

Transcripts

avoidants do some weird things when they

like you now I know this because I used

to be a dismissive avoidant so I feel

like I'm in a unique position to speak

to this look at this these are my doors

of weirdness behind each one of these

doors is you guessed it a weird Behavior

exhibited by avoidance let's just jump

right in and open up door number one

with preemptive breakup planning all

right time to embarrass myself I have

done this actually I think I'm actually

like the king of doing this it's

November 19th 2010 Harry Potter and the

Deathly Hallows has just been released

in theaters I know this because I was on

a double date with a girl named Cassie

and my best friend and his girlfriend

now Cassie liked me I knew she liked me

she knew she liked me everyone knew she

liked me but I'm not thinking about

Cassie I'm thinking about how to protect

myself how to ensure that I keep a

distance and maintain my Independence my

single status now honestly Cassie did

nothing wrong she was pretty polite and

quite frankly was a catch I didn't

deserve you see my plan to maintain my

distance from her started the moment I

picked her up for the date she says wow

you look great Chris I'm so excited to

see the movie to which I say hey me too

but just to let you know this is just a

friend date I don't want you to get any

ideas yes I literally started the date

this way but that's not the weird part

here's the weird part I kept repeating

this throughout the entire date always

with a different variation we're just

going to be friends this is the most fun

I've had with a friend I'm so happy this

isn't like a real date little by little

each time I muttered something to that

effect I saw her happiness Fade Away

what I was doing was simple I was

setting the St AG to ensure that nothing

serious developed and if it did develop

I had an easy out to break things off in

other words it was a preemptive breakup

plan but here's the twist I was doing it

before any relationship had even begun

think of it like this a psychological

safety net it ensured that I had an

Escape Route if things got too intense

now my Approach was always to ensure

that we were just going to remain

friends but other dismissive avoidance

have come up with count ways to lay the

groundwork for a breakup let me know if

any of these ring a bell you you have

the first trick which is establishing a

no strings attached mindset so like I

said this was my go-to basically the

dismissive avoidant keeps insisting on

keeping things casual they emphasize

that they don't want anything serious

even if the connection deepens they'll

maintain this stance as a way of keeping

the breakup option open and then you

have the second trick creating emotional

distance early on on right from the

beginning they might subtly create

emotional barriers such as avoiding deep

conversations or keeping you at an arms

length the distance is a way of

preparing themselves and you for an

eventual separation even if things are

going well and then you have trick

number three sometimes they'll drop

hints of future disconnection they might

make off-hand comments like I'm not good

at relationships or I don't think this

will last even before anything has

really started once again this is

something I actually did to Cassie on

our date then you have trick number four

creating scenarios that could lead to

conflict they might unconsciously or

even consciously create situations that

could lead to misunderstandings or

arguments almost as if they're testing

how things might fall apart this

preemptive sabotage is a way to control

the Potential Breakup narrative and then

finally we have referencing past

failures they might frequently bring up

past relationships that didn't work out

almost as a warning sign it's their way

of setting expectations low so if things

do go south it won't be a surprise this

can feel weirdly self-defeating as

they're already preparing for the end

before the beginning has even fully

unfolded now why is this Behavior weird

well it's weird because it's the exact

opposite of how you would expect someone

to treat a person if you liked them

instead of building a foundation for a

strong relationship they're like laying

the groundwork for its eventual demise

think of it like constructing an exit

door before the house is even built for

the person on the receiving end this can

feel confusing and unsettling since the

relationship is tinged with an odd sense

of Doom from the start ah but that's not

even close to the weirdest thing I've

seen avoidance do look behind door

number two with micro gifting I had to

dig deep for this one but as always good

old Reddit came through so I stumble

across Reddit post in the avoidant

attachment subreddit entitled reluctance

at receiving gift and the person who

posted it talks in depth about how

avoidance received gifts check this out

in my experience avoidance will often

react to gift giving by humoring you but

then they will either one avoid using it

two accidentally break ruin or lose it

three secretly give it away or four buy

the exact same thing for themselves and

use that instead that's pretty wild

right but that's actually not the part

that got me if an avoidant gives a gift

they often downplay it by claiming that

they found it or got it for free and ask

if you want it or try to hide their

vulnerability in some other way in other

words they're micro gifting all right so

wait what is micro gifting well this is

going to be a little embarrassing but

years ago I was actually invited onto

Fox News to talk about micro cheating

now micro cheating is all about the

small breaches of trust in a

relationship that don't pass the

threshold into an actual physical Affair

hence the name micro micro gifting is

actually a lot like that it's where they

give you extremely small or obscure

gifts that don't really make sense at

first glance these gifts are often

symbolic or as the Reddit person pointed

out the avoidant will literally downplay

it in some way look at this these are

three examples of micro gifts that I've

seen avoidance give to their significant

others you first we have the found found

object gift you know you avoidant might

give you something that they claim to

have found or stumbled upon by chance

like a unique rock or a coin or a small

trinket they'll downplay it by saying

you know I found this and I thought you

might like it rather than framing it as

an actual meaningful gift then we have

the Practical yet impersonal gift they

might give you something practical like

a new pen and notebook or a keychain

with the explanation that they had an

extra or they didn't need it it's

something useful but the way they

present it to you makes it almost seem

like it was an afterthought even though

it might be something they picked out

specifically for you next we have the I

got it for free gift an avoidant might

give you a gift and immediately downplay

its value by saying something like they

got it for free like a promotional item

from work or a sample product they'll

usually say something like I got this

for free do you want it let's let's

pause here briefly because I actually

have some experience in this I grew up

in Texas and one of the big things that

we have every year in Houston is the

Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo in

college I managed to score some free

tickets to this thing and I actually

invited a girl I liked to attend with me

what did I say to convince her oh I got

these for free why did I Frame It That

Way well I was doing everything in my

power to ensure that I couldn't get

rejected so I lessen the impact of the

gift on purpose as a way of protecting

myself

my fragile ego couldn't handle getting

rejected by this person and I think

there's a lesson to that for avoidance

this need to protect themselves

manifests in behaviors like micro

gifting where they minimize the

importance of their gestures to avoid

exposing their true feelings now while

this approach might feel safer it can

also prevent genuine connection as the

other person may never fully realize the

significance behind the gesture in the

end protecting ourselves too much can

actually hinder the relationships we're

trying to build but let's move on to

door number three the avoidant love

language let's play a game before you

you see five love languages quality time

words of affirmation physical touch

receiving gifts and acts of service if

you knew nothing but the simple

definition of what an avoidant is what

would you expect their Love Languages to

be well most people would probably

choose acts of service why well actual

acts of service are practical and can be

done without requiring deep emotional

engagement and verbal expression

and since we know avoidance often avoid

verbal affirmations and emotional

closeness people might assume they show

love through actions that help or

support their partner in practical ways

like fixing something running errands or

doing chores you ready for the weird

part that's actually wrong check this

out I picked up this little tidbit from

a popular website run by therapists

called relationship matters therapy in

an article about attachment Styles and

love language here's what said avoidant

dismissive attachment May cherish more

quality time or physical touch as their

Love Languages because these seem to

require the least amount of verbal

expression but still establishes

affection and appreciation to add

further Creedence to this I actually dug

deeper I ended up on this Reddit thread

entitled ask avoidance FAQ receiving

love care and support basically someone

wanted to ask a bunch of questions to

avoidance about how they receive love

it's the first question that they ask on

this thread that applies to our

discussion how can someone show they

support love or care for you when have

you felt most loved and supported in

total only 11 avoidance answered which

isn't really a lot but out of those 11

four specifically mentioned quality time

and physical touch as being their number

one factor for how they hope other

people show love and care for them

here's what I find impressive about this

this was completely

unprompted like the question wasn't hey

avoidance what's your love language the

question was like how do you wish you

receive love and care and things of that

nature and literally almost half of the

avoidance unprompted said they wanted

quality time and physical touch now why

is this and why is this weird well

avoidants often struggle with verbal

expressions of love and affection which

makes their Reliance on physical touch

or quality time as their primary Love

Languages somewhat contradictory I mean

the truth is that these Love Languages

typically ass associated with closeness

and connection which avoidance generally

shy away from let's move on though

behind door number four we have

avoidance engaging in intellectual

sparring let's pull from page 115 of

attached Rachel s ofer and Amir LaVine

writes Mike who is 27 has spent the last

5 years with someone that he feels is

not his intellectual equal they love

each other very much but there's always

an underlying dissatisfaction in Mike's

mind about the relationship he has a

lingering feeling that something is

missing and that someone is better

around the corner the part I want to key

in here is actually in the first

sentence of that explanation the whole

intellectual equal part okay so keep

that in mind because we're going to

circle back around to it but basically

instead of typical flirtation avoidance

might engage in intellectual sparring or

debate with someone they like this is a

way to connect without being emotionally

vulnerable using their intellect as a

barrier and a bridge simultaneously in

addition to that if we reference what I

talked about in attached we can also

infer that avoidance are doing this as a

way to distance themselves before things

get too serious by considering

themselves better than their partner

they literally set up an Escape Route

out of the relationship after all

something's missing right maybe they can

do better maybe the grass is greener on

the other side wait where does that

sound familiar oh right we talked about

that behind door number one with the

preemptive breakup planning so what does

this actually look like though well

there are typically three instances

where you're going to see this the first

instance is challenging your views they

might deliberately take a contrary

position in discussions not because they

disagree but because they want to engage

with you on a deeper intellectual level

the second is through a playful debate

this could come across as playful

teasing or actually an intense debate

which to them is a way of bonding

without exposing their emotional side

then you have respect through challenge

by challenging you they're subtly

showing respect for your intelligence

and valuing your opinion even if it

seems like they're being argumentative

or distant all right let's move on to

the next door door number five creating

emotional distance with purpose

avoidance distance themselves

emotionally this shouldn't come as a

shock to anyone but if an avoidant likes

you they'll do something odd they're

going to emotionally distance themselves

from you but with purpose this involves

deliberately putting up wall walls or

creating distance not just out of a fear

or discomfort but as a way to test how

safe the relationship is or to maintain

control over their emotions usually you

see it happen over the course of four

stages you have this subtle testing

stage which is where they might create

situations where they pull back

emotionally to see if you'll chase after

them or respect their space it's a way

of gauging whether you're someone who

can handle their need for Independence

while also caring for them they'll also

have silent check-ins despite pulling

away they might keep tabs on you in an

indirect way like liking old social

media posts asking mutual friends about

you or even showing up at places they

know you'll be without making direct

contact they'll create opportunities for

you to initiate they might set up

scenarios where you're invited to make

the first move like sending a vague text

that leaves room for interpretation or

mentioning a place they like without

directly inviting you or they can try

reverse support they might offer help or

support in really odd ways is like

helping you with something practical or

offering advice but in a way that seems

detached it's their way of connecting

without exposing too much of their

vulnerability this behavior isn't really

discust because it's Nuance it doesn't

like fit the avoidant profile it's weird

because it's like a blend of pushing you

away while also pulling you closer all

done with an underlying hope that you'll

somehow decode their intentions and

really that's the difficult part about

all of this weird Behavior understanding

and avoidance action require reading

between the lines and recognizing that

their emotional distance is often a

complex stce of protection and

connection I'm not defending them for

many people the right choice is to turn

tail and run from them but I don't think

the right way of looking at them is as

if they're less than human they're not

monsters but sometimes their behavior

can be hurtful well it may seem

contradictory these weird behaviors do

reveal their deep desire to connect it's

just that they don't want to lose

themselves in the process the challenge

for people in relationships with these

individuals lies in seeing past the

walls that the avoidance build to the

vulnerable person behind them the

vulnerable person who's hoping that you

understand them and stick around