The secret of a successful relationship: get your needs met elsewhere
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion terban explores the secret to successful relationships in this insightful talk. He shares a pivotal conversation that shifted his perspective on dating, emphasizing focusing on core needs that can only be met in a sexual relationship with a woman, such as sex, physical attraction, and femininity. He advises men to satisfy other needs elsewhere, simplifying their expectations and fostering sustainable relationships. This approach, he argues, leads to less disappointment and a more realistic view of modern relationships.
Takeaways
- π The secret to a successful relationship is to focus on the needs and wants that can only be met within a romantic context, and not to expect a partner to fulfill all of one's social and emotional needs.
- π€ Dr. Orion terban learned this secret from a mentor who challenged his expectations of finding a woman who shared all his interests and passions.
- π Dr. terban's mentor suggested that he should seek companionship for intellectual discussions like quantum mechanics elsewhere, and not solely rely on a romantic partner for such conversations.
- π‘ After this conversation, Dr. terban reevaluated his approach to dating and decided to only bring to a romantic relationship those needs that couldn't be met elsewhere.
- π He identified four key criteria for a romantic partner: sex, physical attraction, femininity, and being inoffensive, which means not creating unnecessary problems or issues.
- π« The fourth criterion of 'inoffensiveness' is crucial for long-term relationships, as it prevents the creation of problems that could detract from the benefits of the other criteria.
- π Dr. terban emphasizes that being inoffensive is more than just not being disrespectful; it involves not being rude, withholding, unstable, envious, judgmental, or complaining.
- π He encourages men to examine their own needs and wants and to consider which of them can be uniquely satisfied in sexual relationships with women.
- π The advice is to meet other needs and wants in different types of relationships, as it is often easier, cheaper, and more enjoyable to do so.
- π This approach simplifies relationships and helps focus on what they are truly about, making them more sustainable and less prone to disappointment.
- π Dr. terban's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves deeper into his economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice on getting and keeping more of what one wants in the sexual marketplace.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban in the video?
-The main topic discussed by Dr. Orion terban is the secret to a successful relationship.
What was Dr. Orion terban's initial complaint about the dating market?
-Dr. Orion terban initially complained about the lack of satisfactory women in the dating market who could meet his intellectual and personal interests.
What advice did Dr. Orion terban's mentor give him regarding his expectations from a romantic partner?
-The mentor advised Dr. Orion terban to find someone knowledgeable about his interests like quantum mechanics for those specific discussions, rather than expecting a woman to fulfill all his intellectual needs.
What was the significant realization Dr. Orion terban had after his mentor's advice?
-Dr. Orion terban realized that he could satisfy many of his needs outside of a romantic relationship and should focus on what he uniquely wanted from a woman in a sexual relationship.
What is the 'economic model of relationships' mentioned by Dr. Orion terban?
-The 'economic model of relationships' is a concept Dr. Orion terban explores in his book, which presumably involves analyzing relationships in terms of value exchange and behaviors of both men and women in the dating scene.
What are the three main criteria Dr. Orion terban decided to focus on in a sexual relationship with a woman?
-The three main criteria are sex, physical attractiveness, and femininity.
How does Dr. Orion terban define 'femininity' in the context of his relationship criteria?
-In the context of his relationship criteria, 'femininity' refers to the softness and sweetness particular to women in intimate relationships.
What is the fourth criterion that Dr. Orion terban added to his list after experiencing issues with past relationships?
-The fourth criterion is 'inoffensiveness,' meaning the woman should not create additional problems that detract from the benefits of the other three criteria.
What does Dr. Orion terban suggest as a way to simplify and improve the quality of romantic relationships?
-He suggests simplifying relationships by focusing on a few non-negotiable criteria and meeting other needs and wants in different types of relationships.
How does Dr. Orion terban relate modern relationship expectations to historical societal structures?
-He relates modern relationship expectations to the historical societal structures by pointing out that in the past, people had meaningful relationships with many individuals within extended kin networks and small communities, and thus had fewer expectations for their marriages.
What is the title of the book Dr. Orion terban recommends for further insights on relationships?
-The title of the book is 'The Value of Others.'
What are the formats in which Dr. Orion terban's book 'The Value of Others' is available?
-The book 'The Value of Others' is available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats.
What is the final piece of advice Dr. Orion terban gives to men regarding their expectations from women in relationships?
-The final piece of advice is for men to examine their own needs and wants and to consider which of them can be uniquely satisfied in sexual relationships with women, and to meet other needs elsewhere for a more sustainable relationship.
Outlines
π‘ The Secret to a Successful Relationship
Dr. Orion terban introduces the topic of the secret to a successful relationship, which he learned 15 years ago from a mentor. The mentor challenged Dr. terban's expectations of finding a woman who shared all his interests, such as quantum mechanics and Shakespearean literature. The mentor suggested that Dr. terban should seek companionship for these interests elsewhere, not expecting a romantic partner to fulfill all his needs. This revelation led Dr. terban to reassess his approach to dating, focusing on identifying which needs could only be met within a romantic relationship and which could be met elsewhere. He concluded that by narrowing down his expectations to a few core needs, he could simplify his dating criteria and have more satisfying relationships with a variety of women.
π Prioritizing Core Needs in Romantic Relationships
Dr. Orion terban discusses the criteria he established for a successful romantic relationship, emphasizing that sex, physical attraction, and femininity are the primary needs he seeks from a female partner. He explains that these needs are unique to sexual relationships and cannot be met elsewhere. However, he also acknowledges the importance of a partner being 'inoffensive,' meaning she does not create additional problems that detract from the satisfaction of the first three criteria. Dr. terban suggests that by focusing on these core needs and ensuring they are met without unnecessary complications, one can achieve long-term, satisfying relationships. He also mentions his book, 'The Value of Others,' which delves deeper into his economic model of relationships and offers actionable advice.
π± Lessons from History: Simplified Expectations in Relationships
In the final paragraph, Dr. Orion terban reflects on the historical context of human relationships, noting that in the past, people lived in extended kin networks and small communities where they had meaningful relationships with many individuals. He suggests that modern expectations for romantic partners to fulfill all needs are unrealistic and compares them to expecting one person to be an entire village. Dr. terban proposes that by reducing the expectations placed on romantic relationships, we can make them more sustainable and align with the way intersexual relationships have functioned for most of human history. He invites listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments and encourages them to spread the message by sharing the episode with others.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Successful Relationship
π‘Quantum Mechanics
π‘Authentic Interests
π‘Mentor
π‘Sexual Relationship
π‘Inoffensive
π‘Femininity
π‘Disrespect
π‘Value of Others
π‘Sexual Marketplace
π‘Extended Kin Networks
Highlights
The secret to a successful relationship is discussed, which was inspired by a conversation with a mentor 15 years ago.
Dr. Orion terban initially sought a partner with shared intellectual and personal interests, such as quantum mechanics and Shakespearean literature.
The mentor challenged the idea of needing a romantic partner for intellectual discussions, suggesting finding like-minded individuals of the same gender for such topics.
A new approach to dating was inspired, focusing on identifying needs that could only be met within a romantic relationship.
Dr. terban suggests that most needs can be met in various types of relationships, not just romantic ones.
The concept of 'inoffensiveness' is introduced as a key criterion for a long-term relationship, meaning the partner should not create unnecessary problems.
The importance of sex, physical attraction, and femininity as non-negotiable criteria in a romantic relationship is emphasized.
Dr. terban's personal criteria for a relationship are outlined, including sex, physical attraction, femininity, and being inoffensive.
The idea that relationships should be simplified by focusing on a few core needs is presented.
The book 'The Value of Others' is mentioned, which delves deeper into Dr. terban's economic model of relationships.
The advice to meet as many needs as possible outside of romantic relationships to simplify and focus on the relationship's purpose is given.
The historical context of relationships in extended kin networks and small communities is discussed, suggesting modern relationships have unrealistic expectations.
The notion that expecting less from romantic partners can lead to more sustainable relationships is explored.
The importance of not disrespecting a romantic partner as an unbreakable rule is highlighted.
The transcript concludes with an invitation for listeners to share their thoughts and experiences in the comments.
A call to action for listeners to subscribe to Dr. terban's newsletter or book a consultation is made.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion terban and this is psyx
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is the
secret to a successful
relationship this is something that I
learned about 15 years ago the secret
that I'm about to reveal was actually
sparked by a conversation I had with a
mentor of mine and I'd like to begin
this episode by sharing that anecdote
with you so here I was in my mid-20s and
I was complaining to this mentor of mine
about the apparent lack of satisfactory
women in the dating Market basically I
was looking for a partner and I was
having trouble finding women who could
meet me at my level or at the very least
who could engage me in the sort of
things in which I was authentically
interested and after all wasn't that the
point of a
relationship I remember telling this man
that I wanted a woman who I could talk
to about quantum mechanics and who read
Shakespearean literature and who enjoyed
Wilderness backpacking and who was
interested in Enlightenment in spiritual
discipline
I mean these were the things that I
liked so why should I settle for
anything less unfortunately I found that
it was very rare to find a woman I was
attracted to who was interested in even
one of these things let alone several of
them and after allowing me to vent my
spleen for a while this Mentor looked at
me and I'll never forget what he said he
said
Orion why the would you want to
talk to a woman about quantum
mechanics and this phraseology of course
was very helpful in that it shocked me
out of my pre-existing mindset and left
me open to hearing his explanation which
was basically this look if you want to
talk about quantum mechanics that's your
right I suppose but find a guy to do
that with you don't need a woman to talk
about quantum mechanics you need
somebody who's knowledgeable about
quantum mechanics which could be a woman
but doesn't have to be a woman you
understand you're free to do what you
want Orion but you should take care
about about what you go about wanting
from a
woman and after hearing this explanation
it was like a light bulb went off above
my head and it inspired me to reexamine
my approach to dating from a very
different angle and the angle was this I
listed out all the things that up until
that time I had wanted to get from a
romantic relationship things like
someone who is my best friend or who
shared my intellectual passions or who
held similar interests or who res at
with my core values Etc I listed out all
of the things and I asked of each of
these things one question namely could
this need be satisfied in the context of
any other relationship on the planet
outside of a sexual relationship with a
woman and in the vast majority of cases
the answer to that question was yes yes
this particular need could be satisfied
in a different kind of relationship ship
this could have been a professional
relationship among colleagues or a
familial relationship with relatives or
a friendship with male buddies or an
acquaint ship with activity Partners or
even a moment of connection with a
fellow human being it could have been
any of these things and I made a
decision right then and there that
moving forward if I could get a
particular social or emotional need met
outside of a sexual relationship with a
woman then I would get that social or
emotional need met elsewhere and as a
result I would only bring to a woman
with whom I was interested in having a
sexual relationship the needs and wants
that I either could not or would not get
satisfied in any other relationship I
could possibly have with any other
person on the
planet as you might expect this
dramatically simplified what I was
looking for in a woman from literally
dozens and dozens of things to just
three or four things and this one
intervention possibly more than anything
else in my life has not only
significantly improved my hit rate in
meeting satisfactory women but has
allowed me to have satisfying
relationships with radically different
kinds of women as well these things are
set in stone and completely
non-negotiable but anything outside of
these
criteria is completely up for grabs this
allows me to consider the broadest
possible subset of women who still meet
the minimum necessary criteria for a
relationship if you appreciate the
insights on this channel I would highly
encourage you to get your hands on a
copy of my book the value of others over
the course of 432 pages I delve deep
into my economic model of relationships
and explain the behavior of both men and
women in the game of mating IND
I also provide a lot of actionable
advice on how to get and keep more of
what you want in the sexual Marketplace
once you read the value of others you'll
never look at relationships the same way
again now available in ebook audiobook
and paperback formats the links are in
the
description all right so what were those
few things I'm so glad you asked first
and foremost as might be expected was
sex as a heterosexual man sex was the
number one thing that I could get from a
female romantic partner that I couldn't
get anywhere else just as I prioritized
earnings in my professional
relationships as these were the only
relationships in which I received income
I began to prioritize sex in my sexual
relationships as these were the only
relationships in which I could receive
that good in this Segway into need
number two she needed to be sufficiently
physically attractive to me to both
consistently desire sex from her
otherwise what was the point of the
first Criterion and to prevent the
feeling that I could have done better
basically I needed to be able to walk
into the vast majority of rooms without
feeling that I would rather have some
other woman on my arm and this is
because I knew that I wouldn't be able
to stay in the relationship long term
if that wasn't the case sometimes you
have to be real with yourself even if
your reality isn't particularly socially
flattering the third Criterion was
femininity that sweet softness that is
particular to women with whom you're in
an intimate relationship as it would be
inappropriate for even that same woman
to really lean into that dimension of
herself in say a purely professional or
platonic relationship ship outside of
escorts which I had made a decision not
to use I reasoned that these three needs
could not be satisfied outside of a
sexual relationship with a
woman however my experience with dating
women had taught me that these three
criteria were not enough I had dated
several very sexual attractive and
feminine women who absolutely destroyed
my peace of mind and quality quity of
life so the fourth and final Criterion
was that she be inoffensive meaning that
the woman didn't create any additional
problems that would detract from the
benefit that I would acrew from the
satisfaction of the other three
criteria women inoffensiveness is the
key to being selected for a long-term
relationship with men when I look over
my life the women with whom I've had the
longest most satisfying relationships
were not particularly impressive or
superlative they weren't the hottest
women I had dated or the cleverest or
the most accomplished they were the
least offensive it might sound weird to
say but we stayed together because there
was never any reason not to that is they
satisfied the first three criteria
without creating any unnecessary issues
that would have invalidated the
fourth as I've previously mentioned you
absolutely must never disrespect the man
with whom you'd like to have a long-term
relationship disrespect is the
unbreakable rule but being in offensive
means more than just not being
disrespectful it means not being rude or
withholding or unstable or envious or
judgmental or complaining etc etc like
no matter how hard no matter how hot you
are and how sweet you act and how good
you these behaviors cancel out so
many of the other benefits that you may
actually be providing as I've said
before for a woman to love well she must
first clarify her love by removing all
the other things that aren't love that
are subject to getting mixed up with her
expression of love the fact of the
matter is that in order to keep a man a
woman needn't be good but she absolutely
can't be
bad in any case this was just the
product of my own examination you men
out there can examine your own needs and
wants and consider which of them can be
uniquely satisfied in sexual
relationships with women irrespective of
the details the advice is the same do
what you can to get those needs and
wants met in any other relationship that
could possibly do so this is because it
will almost certainly be easier cheaper
and more enjoyable to get those needs
and wants met
elsewhere doing so radically simplifies
your relationships and helps you focus
on what your relationships are really
about it also comes with the added
benefit that if you only want a few
things from women it's going to be much
harder for women to disappoint you I
appreciate that it can sound bad to
expect less of women but I do think this
helps make relationships more
sustainable and I think it does this by
approximating the way that intersexual
relationships including marriages have
existed for thousands of years for most
of human history people had existed in
extended kin networks and lived in small
tribes or Villages people had meaningful
relationships with scores of people
however with the Advent of the nuclear
family and the dissolution of
communities we often expect our romantic
Partners to be an entire Village which
just isn't possible people used to get
more of their needs met elsewhere so
there were fewer expectations for their
marriages maybe we modern folks can take
a page from our Collective
histories what do you think does this
fit with your own experience let me know
in the comments below and please send
this episode to someone who might
benefit from its message because it's
Word of Mouth referrals like this that
really help to make the channel grow and
anyone looking to join my free Weekly
Newsletter or book a paid consultation
can do so on my website
links in the description as always I
appreciate your support and thank you
for listening
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