When in Doubt About Whether to Break Up, Ask Yourself This ONE Question

Summary

The video script discusses the complexities of identifying the right partner, especially for individuals with childhood PTSD who may struggle with self-doubt and emotional dysregulation. The speaker, addressing 'Peggy', explores her toxic relationship with a man who was emotionally unavailable and still entangled with his ex. The analysis highlights the importance of recognizing red flags, the danger of settling, and the necessity of healing from past traumas to foster healthier relationships. The speaker encourages Peggy to understand her worth and to develop a clear vision of what she desires in a partner, advocating for self-care and emotional regulation as steps towards recovery and better relationship choices.

Takeaways

• 🧐 The script discusses the challenge of identifying the right partner and the importance of recognizing when someone is not a good fit for you.
• 🌟 It emphasizes the significance of feeling uplifted and becoming a better version of yourself within a healthy relationship.
• 😔 The letter from 'Peggy' highlights the struggles of someone with a history of childhood trauma and PTSD in navigating relationships and self-sabotage.
• 🚫 Peggy's experience with her ex-boyfriend, who was emotionally unavailable and dishonest, serves as a cautionary tale about red flags in relationships.
• 🔍 The transcript points out the importance of not projecting potential onto a partner but instead recognizing and accepting them for who they truly are.
• 💔 Peggy's story illustrates the emotional toll of being in a relationship where one feels drained, resentful, and neglected.
• 🤯 It discusses the impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships, including emotional dysregulation and the tendency to settle for less than ideal partners.
• 💡 The speaker suggests that Peggy and others in similar situations should take responsibility for their choices and learn to identify what they truly want in a partner.
• 📝 The importance of writing down one's relationship ideals and using them as a yardstick to measure the quality of current relationships is highlighted.
• 🌱 The script encourages healing from past traumas and suggests that doing so can open up space in one's life for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
• 🌈 It ends on a positive note, assuring Peggy and others that there is greatness within them and that they have the support of the community in their journey to recovery.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the video?

The main topic of the video is about understanding if someone is the right person for you, especially in the context of dealing with childhood PTSD and its effects on relationships.

Why is it important to listen to your feelings in a relationship?

It is important to listen to your feelings in a relationship because they can indicate whether you are truly happy and if the relationship is making you a better version of yourself, which are signs of a healthy relationship.

What is Peggy's background, and how does it affect her current situation?

Peggy has complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) from enduring physical and emotional abuse from her father, abandonment by her mother, and sexual abuse from a neighbor. This background affects her current situation by causing her to struggle with feelings of abandonment and self-sabotage in relationships.

What was the issue with Peggy's relationship with the cop?

The issue with Peggy's relationship with the cop was that he was still emotionally attached to his ex-girlfriend, lied about the recency of their breakup, and was not emotionally available for a serious relationship.

Why did Peggy feel insecure in her relationship with the cop?

Peggy felt insecure because her boyfriend was still in love with his ex, and she constantly compared herself to the ex. Additionally, his chaotic work hours and living situation created an imbalance in their relationship.

What are some red flags that Peggy noticed in her relationship?

Some red flags Peggy noticed included her boyfriend still being in touch with his ex-girlfriend, friends warning her about his unresolved feelings for his ex, and his negative and resentful attitude towards life.

How did Peggy's boyfriend's behavior affect her?

Peggy's boyfriend's behavior made her feel drained, resentful, and triggered. His negative energy and lack of emotional availability contributed to her feeling unhappy and insecure in the relationship.

What advice does the speaker give to Peggy about her future relationships?

The speaker advises Peggy to be clear about what she wants in a relationship, to not settle for less, and to heal her trauma wounds. She should also learn to recognize and value her own needs and desires in a relationship.

What is the significance of the 'daily practice' mentioned by the speaker?

The 'daily practice' is a technique that involves writing and meditation to help manage anxiety and anger. It is meant to help individuals like Peggy clear their minds and regain emotional balance, which is crucial for making healthier relationship choices.

What is the speaker's perspective on using antidepressants for managing CPTSD?

The speaker suggests that while antidepressants might be used for depression, they may not be the best targeted treatment for CPTSD and trauma. She recommends exploring non-drug methods like the 'daily practice' to manage emotional dysregulation.

Outlines

00:00

🔎 Identifying the Right Partner

The speaker begins by discussing the importance of recognizing the right person for a relationship. They emphasize that while there are ways to identify if someone is not the right fit, it is crucial to listen to one's feelings in a relationship. The speaker introduces Peggy, a woman with childhood PTSD, who seeks guidance on whether she is self-sabotaging or in the wrong relationship. Peggy describes her background of physical and emotional abuse, abandonment, and sexual abuse. She shares her struggle with leaving unfulfilling relationships and her current relationship with a man who is still emotionally attached to his ex. Peggy's story highlights her feelings of insecurity and the challenges she faces in her relationship, including her partner's dishonesty and emotional unavailability.

05:01

💔 The Struggles of an Unfulfilling Relationship

In this paragraph, Peggy continues to detail the difficulties in her relationship. She describes her partner's negative energy, his inability to celebrate others' successes, and his tendency to bring up unpleasant topics. Peggy also mentions her own reactions, such as feeling invisible and having to constantly seek validation and engagement from her partner. The relationship is characterized by a lack of romance, communication issues, and a disconnect when they are alone together. Peggy's partner is depicted as someone who is often absent, unresponsive, and dismissive of her feelings. The paragraph concludes with Peggy's reflection on her emotional outbursts and her struggle to understand her reactions to her partner's behavior.

10:03

🤔 Analyzing the Relationship Dynamics

The speaker analyzes Peggy's situation, highlighting her childhood trauma and its impact on her current relationship. They discuss the potential for self-sabotage and the importance of recognizing when a relationship is not healthy. The speaker points out that Peggy's partner was not emotionally available and was still in love with his ex, which contributed to the relationship's instability. They also note that Peggy's decision to stay in the relationship despite clear red flags was a sign of her attachment wounds and her struggle with abandonment. The speaker encourages Peggy to understand her anger and to recognize the signs of a good relationship, such as feeling uplifted and becoming a better version of oneself.

15:04

🚫 Recognizing Signs of a Toxic Relationship

The speaker continues to dissect Peggy's relationship, focusing on the signs that indicated it was not a healthy partnership. They mention Peggy's loss of personal structure, the emotional drain she experienced, and the imbalance in the relationship due to her partner's living situation and work schedule. The speaker also addresses the negative impact of her partner's constant negativity and resentment. They emphasize that feeling drained and insecure are clear indicators of a toxic relationship and encourage Peggy to learn from this experience and set healthier boundaries in future relationships.

20:06

🌟 Moving Forward with Self-Awareness

In this paragraph, the speaker offers advice to Peggy on how to move forward. They suggest that Peggy needs to understand her emotional reactions and learn to regulate them better. The speaker recommends Peggy to be clear about what she wants in a relationship and to not settle for less. They emphasize the importance of healing from childhood trauma and learning to recognize and respect one's own boundaries. The speaker also suggests that Peggy explore non-drug methods for managing her anxiety and emotional dysregulation, such as the daily practice technique they teach, which can help clear emotional clutter and promote mental clarity.

25:06

🌈 Embracing Change and Growth

The speaker concludes by encouraging Peggy and others in similar situations to embrace change and focus on personal growth. They highlight the importance of understanding and healing from past traumas and learning to recognize the signs of a healthy relationship. The speaker also provides resources for further support and emphasizes the community's support for Peggy. They end on a positive note, reminding Peggy that there is greatness within her and that she is not alone in her journey towards healing and self-discovery.

Keywords

💡CPTSD

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is a psychological condition that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated trauma, often occurring in situations like abuse or neglect. In the video, the concept is central as the narrator discusses how it affects relationship dynamics and personal emotions, particularly in recognizing when a relationship is not healthy.

💡Relationship

A relationship in this context refers to an intimate connection between two individuals, typically romantic. The video emphasizes the importance of recognizing whether a relationship is positive and uplifting or if it's causing emotional distress, using the narrator's personal experiences to illustrate the point.

💡Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage is the act of unconsciously behaving in ways that undermine one's own goals or well-being. The video discusses the possibility of the narrator self-sabotaging by staying in an unhealthy relationship due to unresolved childhood trauma and fear of abandonment.

💡Abandonment

Abandonment refers to the act of leaving someone without support or care, which can be a significant fear for individuals with CPTSD. In the script, the narrator mentions their fear of abandonment as a factor in their struggle to leave unfulfilling relationships.

💡Therapy

Therapy is a form of treatment that aims to help individuals cope with and heal from emotional and psychological issues. The narrator mentions being in therapy for four years, highlighting its role in their journey to understand and address their emotional responses and relationship patterns.

💡Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is the inability to manage one's emotions effectively, which can be a symptom of trauma. The video describes how the narrator experiences intense emotional reactions, such as anger, as a result of their CPTSD, affecting their ability to navigate relationships.

💡Codependence

Codependence is a relationship pattern where one person relies excessively on another for emotional support and identity. The video script illustrates codependence through the narrator's attempts to manage their partner's life and emotions, which ultimately leads to feelings of resentment and exhaustion.

💡Depression

Depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. The video mentions the narrator's partner's struggle with depression and how it negatively impacted their relationship, contributing to the partner's negative outlook and behavior.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The script discusses the narrator's partner's struggle with anxiety, which is a common comorbidity with depression and can exacerbate relationship issues.

💡Antidepressants

Antidepressants are a class of medications used to treat depression and sometimes other mental health conditions. The narrator mentions starting antidepressants to manage anxiety from the loss of a relationship, indicating a step in their healing process but also raising questions about the most effective treatments for their specific needs.

💡Daily Practice

The term 'daily practice' in the video refers to a routine of specific writing and meditation techniques aimed at managing emotional distress and promoting mental well-being. The narrator suggests this practice as a way to clear emotional turmoil and regain a sense of balance and self-awareness.

Highlights

The importance of recognizing the right person for you and the impact of childhood PTSD on relationship choices.

Identifying signs that someone may not be the right person for you, especially when dealing with past trauma.

The role of self-reflection in understanding feelings of unhappiness within a relationship.

Peggy's story: A woman with CPTSD seeking guidance on her relationship struggles and fears of abandonment.

The challenge of leaving unfulfilling relationships and the fear of abandonment in individuals with CPTSD.

Peggy's experience with a partner who was emotionally unavailable and still attached to an ex.

Recognizing red flags in relationships, such as a partner's unresolved feelings for an ex.

The impact of a partner's negative energy and how it can drain you emotionally.

Understanding the signs of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, including resentment and inconsistency.

Peggy's struggle with her own reactions and emotional outbursts in response to her partner's behavior.

The difficulty of recognizing and leaving a toxic relationship, especially when trauma is involved.

Peggy's realization of the need to heal from her past trauma before entering a healthy relationship.

The advice given to Peggy on understanding her anger and the role of self-sabotage in her relationship choices.

The importance of emotional regulation and self-awareness in navigating relationships and healing from trauma.

The suggestion for Peggy to define her ideal relationship and partner to avoid settling for less.

The encouragement for Peggy to take responsibility for her part in the relationship and to focus on healing.

The recommendation for Peggy to explore non-drug methods for managing anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

The introduction of the 'Daily Practice' as a tool for emotional regulation and self-improvement.

The supportive message to Peggy and others in similar situations, emphasizing the community's backing and desire for their recovery.

Transcripts

one of the lost arts of the times we

live in is how to know if somebody is

the right person for you and that's a

series of videos that i'll be making

over the coming months but here's what i

want to say there are good ways to know

when somebody is not the right person

for you and it shows up one of the ways

in how you feel when you're in a

relationship with them now if you grew

up with childhood ptsd you may be in a

habit of second guessing yourself and so

when you feel slighted and not really

loved or cared for and the whole

relationship is a drag you may have a

tendency to think to yourself

it's probably just me i'm being too

picky i'm having i'm having a trauma

reaction but it's so important to listen

to that feeling do i feel happy in this

relationship

a quality that you're looking for is

does the relationship make you lift up a

little bit become a slightly better

version of yourself that is a sign that

it's a good relationship for you it's

not the only one but it's an important

one

so my letter today is from a woman i'll

call peggy

and she writes i'm learning recently i

have cptsd

as a child who endured physical and

emotional abuse from my dad abandoned by

my mom and

some sexual abuse from a neighbor i'm

reaching out to you for some guidance as

i'm feeling an overwhelming sense of

doom

and i'm wondering if i'm self-sabotaging

or if i'm with the wrong person

i know i struggle with leaving

unfulfilling relationships as

abandonment is my worst fear

but i'm currently in therapy for the

last four years while it has been

helpful i still am wondering if perhaps

i'm just being validated in therapy

versus addressing my part in this

problem

i'm 30 years old

before my last relationship i took two

years off from dating

because i was a serial monogamist i

needed to prove to myself i could be

alone

i moved into my own apartment which was

insanely scary but i did it

i most recently was dating a cop for 10

months we started dating in october and

upon meeting he shared he was recently

out of a relationship where his live-in

girlfriend had an affair he had a

history of relationships ending this way

all of his relationships in fact he

neglected to tell me it was as recent a

breakup as it was he told me two months

but it had been three weeks

and so we continued dating soon i found

out at christmas time he had been in

touch with her

for over a month and he had been

pleading with her and still processing

the end

i saw messages as she texted while we

were looking at his ipad

he was writing things like why did this

happen you were the love of my life i

miss you i love you

so on

reading this was extremely hard

especially considering he just met my

family the night before i honestly felt

no alarming signs prior to this i was so

excited to be dating someone who seemed

so into me he was all in it was moving

fast

i was ready to leave in this instance

because it was clear he still had things

to sort through but being a social

worker i constantly see the potential in

people i kept telling myself i could

support him and help him move forward

red flag number one

it gets better peggy says i met his

friends for the first time

in january three months into knowing him

and one of the spouses warned me that my

boyfriend and his ex were still

considering getting back

red flag number two but of course he

denied this he spoke poorly about his

friend's spouse and dismissed the

interaction anyway i clearly stayed

otherwise i wouldn't be writing this

email

i think the nature of our relationship

made me feel really insecure i compared

myself to his ex the entire time i felt

like i couldn't compete in so many

categories they were both cops they had

the same taste in music he'd say things

like we were the same person

when speaking about her i expressed to

him that i knew too much it was too hard

to see our relationship outside of that

one

he had very chaotic work hours i found

the schedule daunting it caused me

who and i'm very routine to almost lose

all of my structure

we lived about an hour apart and the

commute was tough on both sides not to

mention he had a dog so it was very

one-sided

he also lived at home with his parents

we are 30

and i have my own apartment all of these

things created a huge imbalance and lots

of resentment he would tell me often how

he hated this schedule that he wished he

could have a normal life i made the

mistake of trying to assist him with

this buying him planners trying to plan

things trying to be available whenever

he was

and as time went on his negative energy

was draining me we'd be out to dinner or

at a bar

and he'd bring up something that was

unpleasant he never could celebrate

others successes it was almost like he

just hated on everyone and everything it

also didn't feel great when someone you

care for is sitting across from you

saying i hate my life

and they're not considering the impact

it will have on you

maybe that's me being insecure

i'd want someone to feel good about

their life in relation to me or us

i'd address it and he said he struggled

with depression and anxiety that he had

a hard time being positive his sisters

would say he got his temperament from

his dad who was also quite glass half

empty he'd say the world was against him

everything happened to him he hated

others happiness he often would get

drunk and tell me he wished his dad

loved him i felt for him i felt his pain

anyhow it was all reminiscent of my dad

who was always talking about himself and

very negative an addict an abuser

the depressive tendencies were

exhausting nonetheless i stayed as time

went on i started to resent him i became

more combative and angry and triggered i

found myself cursing at him demanding

common decency he would say one thing

and do another and i would lash out he

would ask me to come over and then

completely zone out on tv he'd make

these big promises over texts i can't

wait to see you tonight will be so fun

and upon my arrival he'd say so what do

you want to do

all aloof

i tried to end things a few times i

guess a manipulative tactic to gain

control he'd tell me he was working on

himself he was inconsistently in therapy

maybe had seven sessions over ten months

our connection seemed so off i'd bring

up a funny story and he'd almost find it

threatening and get guarded and

sarcastic i found myself

working overtime trying to get a

response out of him being manipulative

in my own right

he would go mia for hours due to work

and barely keep in touch i'd start an

argument via text and instead of calling

he'd tell me he was busy but later

confess he hated conflict and didn't

want to deal with it he'd say that often

i'm too scared to tell you the truth

because you get so mad about the small

things

i'd get mad he'd make plans with me and

cancel last minute or promise he'd come

to my place and say he couldn't because

if the dog because of the dog so i'd

have to go to him although he lived with

his parents and i'd be bothered that

when we'd be together he'd be exhausted

but the second i had plans he'd go out

and get plastered because one or two

drinks wasn't an option for him he said

he drank to manage his anxiety the

romance was scarce not sexually but like

dates and affirmations i found myself

begging for date night or flowers or

whatnot he would say i force everything

sure it did feel forced at moments i'd

have to tell him babe you just cut me

off i was speaking or are you even

listening i felt so invisible he rarely

followed up things with questions he

just lacked engagement and would tell me

i'm just a quiet person

we'd have fun when others were around

but when it was just us there was this

disconnect so many occasions we'd go out

and it was as if it were two completely

separate people and we'd interact with

other people but not one another it was

so bizarre

we reached a point we couldn't even

communicate he would be so checked out

or be on guard it seemed i'd asked what

was going on and he said i always have

to make everything so emotional why

can't i just be light and fun i'd be

genuinely perplexed because his whole

aura was the opposite of light and fun

angry at traffic angry commuting to me

angry with his co-workers angry with

living at home angry with his past

always resentful

i know this all sounds extremely toxic

and that i know but i'm trying to

understand for example when someone

cancels plans or is unpresent and that

triggers me why i end up exploding and

yelling is that a symptom of the ptsd

why not walk away in a peaceful manner

instead i stayed and almost subjected

myself to more pain

maybe i dramatized everything maybe i

was a nag as he ended up saying when we

broke up he said i was overbearing i was

controlling and when i didn't get my way

i would lash out maybe it shouldn't be a

big deal he was quiet at times

or a big deal that he was busy so often

or a big deal he was grumpy at points or

cut me off

i ended up leaving this relationship

feeling so damaged so invisible

so lost and re-traumatized it's two

months out and my mind is cycling i

recently started taking antidepressants

to manage my anxiety from the loss i

struggle with a part of me that knows i

have emotional outbursts i berate

partners when things disappoint me or

they act in these in these ways but i

also know i have a high tolerance for bs

when we broke up he said he felt

smothered he felt i was needy that i

would make it a huge thing out of small

things and that's why he told white lies

he said i was overbearing i asked why

when i brought up ending it he'd rally

against it

he said he was too scared to be alone it

felt to me like a kick in the stomach i

feel like i came into this relationship

in a good space i don't know how to how

i got lost along the way

sincerely peggy

okay peggy i got you i'm gonna go

through your letter and just read some

of the highlights that i circled so that

you can hear from me what i heard you

tell me about the relationship

first of all i think it's so great

you're not in the relationship and yes i

can help you understand where that anger

is coming from

so let's see so you had this terrible

childhood there was abuse of all kinds

sexual abuse emotional abuse from dad

abandoned by mom okay

there's the soup you know you were in it

we know what that's like here and it

does kind of influence things later

so you're wondering if you're

self-sabotaging or if you were just with

the wrong person so

maybe there was some self-sabotage in

there but i

i think that the self-sabotage began

with you staying in the relationship as

long as you did

and then later had it been a good

relationship which it wasn't had it been

a good relationship getting all angry

like that could have been sabotaged but

i think there's another reason for your

anger so you're 30 years old

and you had taken two years off from

dating which is awesome so that you

could kind of work on yourself before

getting in another

another relationship you have your own

apartment

and um you had a relationship with a cop

and he

lied to you about how recently he had

broken up with somebody he said it was

uh two months but it was three weeks

even when it's two months that's kind of

soon you know it's not illegal

but for people with cptsd with

attachment wounds and who struggle with

abandonment i would say

somebody who's just two months out of a

relationship

is needs to be kept for coffee dates

nothing serious yet give people at least

six months i would say

so you found out that uh

he was still pleading with her you saw

the messages

between them where he was all i miss you

i love you and

and you had you just brought him to meet

your family so in your estimation you

were in the kind of relationship where

you introduced them to the parents he's

still texting this ex

so but he you were reading the situation

with him as he's all in it was moving

fast

and so i'm guessing that because he was

still like obviously in love with this

ex and saying they're the same person

and it was so great and they watched the

same

tv shows or whatever that

that he and they were both cops

that there was that but because she

broke up with him it sounds like he got

dumped well i guess they all dumped they

all cheated on him and they all

ruined the relationship with him

so it sounds like he's a traumatized

person who clings on

you weren't dumping him enough and so

there wasn't very much attraction there

but what you were is you were a pacifier

you were a comforting blanket for him

when he was dealing with a breakup it

doesn't sound to me like you were the

one for him you were occupying a space

in his life so that he could cope

and that he was very depressed indeed

very depressed and anxious and drinking

when he lied to you you were ready to

leave

um but you say as a social worker you

see the potential in people and you know

i'm kind of like smiling with you about

that i know what it is to see the

potential in people that's a good thing

when you're not counting on them to be

your partner

but when you're dating somebody you want

to be very very real about who they are

you do not want to be looking at their

potential you know you don't want to

like

have a visualize a project a vision

board for somebody that you're dating

you want to actually you know what you

see is what you get that you want to be

looking at that and and actually people

are putting on their best behavior when

they're dating in fact so that's

something to take into consideration

so the next month you've been you've

known him for three months

you're out with

his friends and one of the spouses says

you know he's still in love with her i'd

watch out so that's

i guess it's possible somebody could be

a terrible uh you know iago and just

trying to make you jealous but

i don't know

i think that when a woman comes along

and says you know he's still like really

entangled with his ex and trying to make

it happen

huge red flag

and you're you know when you're telling

me this i know you know this but i'm

just going to call it yes that would

have been the next time to leave another

opportunity to really just get get out

of get away from this guy so you stayed

and

you were feeling the nature of our

relationship made me feel really

insecure so this is where i hear your

trauma-driven thinking the nature of

your relationship was insecure

it was extremely shaky he was in love

with somebody else and you knew it

and he was dishonest with you and you

knew it so it wasn't just that you were

feeling insecure it was insecure you

were having an accurate assessment of

what this relationship was like

and you know because of all the

childhood trauma it's like we all know

how it goes and then you just think

well maybe i'll hold on tighter or you

don't even make a decision to hold on

tighter you just do you know

it's a coping mechanism that comes from

childhood but it's a it's a

maladaptation in adulthood

so

he had chaotic work hours he uh

caused you to lose all your structure

okay there's one of the signs not a good

person for you if you're losing your

structure and just feeling insecure and

sad all the time the signs it's like

somebody's spray painting on the wall of

your you know your

you're being you know not a good fit not

a good relationship you are getting

drained

and that's even the word you use a

little later so you lived an hour apart

he lived with his parents he had a dog

so everything's like a huge nuisance

this isn't at all like some guy coming

courting you like

i'm going to show you a really nice time

i want you to you know be happy i want

you to feel good with me he's just like

having you fill his time

that's what it is and and i'm going to

give you tough love if you're with

somebody like that there's kind of a

possibility that you're doing the same

thing that getting together with a truly

available man

for whatever reason feels a little too

hard or high stakes right now so you're

getting your kind of need for

companionship met by the guy who just

happens to be there because you i can

just hear all along you knew

this sucks this is not a good

relationship

so he would say he hates his schedule he

wished he could have a normal life and

then you bought him the planners and

trying to plan things and i love that

you're kind of like we're laughing

together about that yep the whole thing

trying to be available

a little bit of codependence there i

know you were trained by your parents i

know

so then as time went on his negative

energy was draining you there's the

drain all right definite like when you

feel drained by somebody especially as

time goes on it's just not a good

relationship

so it was almost like he just hated on

everyone

and he would say i hate my life and he

wouldn't think about how that affected

you and you took it as like a negative

comment on how he feels about your

relationship and i don't think that was

even like on his radar screen of how you

felt or whether

what he was saying was reflecting to you

how he felt about the relationship i

think you were having um a good like

layer of creative imagination right

where you are

seeing the potential

he's sitting there telling you i hate my

life you know he's your boyfriend and he

hates his life and you're just like ah

but the potential

the potential's there

so i know you know that um and he

struggled with depression and anxiety i

hear that and he had a hard time being

positive

and they got it from their dad and he

had a crappy dad and you know we find

each other right so anyhow it was all

reminiscent of your dad who was always

talking about himself and very negative

he was an addict and an abuser and the

depressive tendencies were exhausting

so nonetheless you stayed with this guy

this boyfriend

and you started to resent him and you

became more combative and angry and

triggered and you found yourself cursing

at him and demanding

common decency he would say one thing

and do another and you'd lash out he

would ask you to come over and then

completely zone out he'd make these big

promises over text can't wait to see you

tonight will be so fun and upon arrival

he goes so what do you want to do yeah

those i can't wait to see you it's just

i think it was a ploy to get a body onto

the sofa next to him there

you know people learn you know what they

have to say and do to get you to come

over

so you tried to end it a few times

you're worried it was manipulative and

maybe it was i think but

i think not leaving

it's like you know they call that an

ellen on making a threat you don't

intend to carry out it's not a good

thing

so yes it's manipulation but it's also

like i just feel like your instinct

instincts we're like peggy please can we

leave now can we leave this horrible

relationship i was happy

you know

when i was alone that's where you were

and the connection seemed off and he

sort of went to therapy kind of but not

really

he wasn't really serious about feeling

better

i i imagine he was

i'm just speculating but it just seems

like he was somebody kind of oriented

towards when he does find the right

woman everything will be great for him

he'll figure it out and he did have all

this time where he'd be in bars without

you

i don't know if he was cheating or not

but i didn't get any sense that he was

loyal to you or had some sort of

investment in you so one more reason

good riddance

so

you were working overtime to try to get

a response

and

yeah so he was avoidant

and

he he he would disappear

he'd say i'm i can't even tell you the

truth

because because you get so mad about

small things and you know that might be

true but also he wasn't telling you the

truth so i think you were mad peggy i

think you were mad at yourself

you know and that's what we do we

project it on the other person but who's

who got you into this relationship who

was holding you in this relationship you

were and you deserve better

and that's what we do we sort of just

like project it out on other people you

know

why you're making me do this but they're

not making us they're just being

themselves and we can

leave we're free to leave and we don't

and the thing about cptsd is there's

emotional dysregulation so when you feel

like this bad about something

it can come out like this big it can be

huge

there can be this huge eruption of anger

and it is how we destroy relationships

and if it destroyed your relationship

with him oh well

but of course you don't want to keep

doing that

and so for you peggy

i i see a future for you where you learn

to get very clear about what the

characteristics are in a man that that

would be good for you that you really

want that would be energizing and happy

and open up life for you in a wonderful

new way

that's what would be good for you

and you're a little out of touch with

that right now you've settled for much

less

and the thing is you know like with with

people with cptsd once you've settled

because of your attachment wound you're

just like your hooks are in there and

your abandonment wounds are so severe

you can't leave

and so that's what it feels like i'm so

mad at you you won't be the thing i need

you to be because i can't leave that's

kind of what the grievance is

but now it's time to get real and it's

easier because you're out

you can leave you did leave and when you

feel that way about somebody that it's

just such a drag to be with them

you're not doing anybody a favor by

staying and when you leave you're

actually making a beautiful space in

your life where somebody good can come

in especially if you can heal those

trauma wounds now one thing you said

here is you say i see that i um

you know failed to fix my childhood

trauma wounds and i just want to

reassure you like it's not like there's

all these people who are in

relationships and they fixed their

childhood wounds and that's all done

because if you think that's happening

you're probably wondering like how on

earth do people do it it's a process

it's a process where you get real you

stay connected you learn the science of

trauma what it does to you you start to

notice when it's happening when your

dysregulation is kicking in you

you write down on paper this is part of

the dating course that i teach you write

it down and then the coaching program

even more you

what is your ideal what do you really

want it's crazy how how often the people

who i coach and work with

can't name it or they make it really

tiny and kind of half-assed i don't want

very much it's like stop not wanting

very much want what you want like own it

own it it's okay if you don't get

everything that you wanted nobody does

but you need to know what you want and

stop settling for stuff that's like you

know 15 of what you wanted when you've

written it down you now have like a

yardstick and you can go well my

relationship's like this is it what i

wanted no

no it's not so you can write down things

like they live close to you they don't

live with their parents they have a lot

of space in their life they haven't been

with another woman in x amount of time

you can name the things that you really

need

for you to feel good in a relationship

and you'll be amazed that you can

actually have these things the people

who are truly emotionally available

they respect you for having boundaries

like that

they like that and so and and just as

you will like them for having boundaries

themselves with you and for not just

like mushing into a relationship really

fast and then being

confusing about it like it should take

time it should take time the letter

cracked me up when he just said you were

like you were what you were so emotional

and why can't you be light and fun

i totally know what that's like and like

you i am light and fun you know and um

and i i am miserable around somebody

who's you know constantly uh resentful

about the nature of my being which is

like trying to be connected and be

myself right so he said you were

overbearing and controlling and so you

know what i'm gonna grant him that

because if you were having trouble

seeing straight and you were kind of in

that

that delusion that we all get in of like

i feel so bad in this relationship why

won't you be the person i imagined you

to be when i met you

so that i can be happy so that by nature

that's that's codependence right but you

project like i would be happy if you

were the thing that i thought you were

and now i'm mad at you because you're

not that but what we did is we didn't

take our time to find out who they

actually are and what they really want

and what's really going on in their

lives so it's actually very empowering

to just sort of take responsibility back

and go yeah yeah i rushed in i projected

i wanted it to work i saw what i wanted

to say i put i pushed down hearing what

i didn't want to hear and i stayed and

that's why this is happening and i see

you doing that but i'm just saying

that's very good that helps you to take

your power back now you have your power

back

so you're struggling and somebody put

you on antidepressants for your anxiety

i'm not a therapist

that's not something i did

and i one book that i really value is

the book the body keeps the score by

bessel vander kulk and that and some

other books have taught me that

antidepressants are not super well

targeted for cptsd and for trauma

and they might be used for depression

and maybe you have that and yeah there's

drugs you can take for anxiety

but you know what there's there's

non-drug things you can do and maybe you

want to explore those at the same time

or instead of

so i'm not trying to interfere with a

doctor's advice for you here

but you can learn to re-regulate the

trauma that causes you to get all you

know emotional because when you're just

regulated emotionally and neurologically

which is a common thing that happens to

those of us who grew up like you did and

like i did

then it's really hard to see straight

like to see somebody's being an ass here

and it'll be so easy to go i'm feeling

that feeling again it's probably me i

have to do whatever it takes to make

this work i'll be nice i'll be nice i'll

put up with anything that's what happens

when you're dysregulated so over here i

teach this thing called the daily

practice it's free i'm always talking

about it but when people write me a

letter they say what can i do about this

bad feeling i'm like the daily practice

i'm just saying it again and again it's

free it's a link down below in the free

tools page

and you can go there it takes less than

an hour to learn and try it and you can

use this twice a day that's what i

recommend it's a specific writing

technique and a meditation technique

where you can take that anxiety

and the anger

and you can get it on paper

and create a nice fresh air

feeling inside your head feels good it

feels good and it comes back you know

life is like that life is full of things

that stress us and it comes back but we

get into the routine of clearing it out

and clearing it out and you're just

going to surprise yourself peggy there's

good stuff in you

underneath all this disappointment

and frustration and self-blame about

stuff there is good stuff in you there's

greatness in you and i

on behalf of everybody here on the

channel

we have got your back we're rooting for

you we we want you to recover from this

so come join us okay

now for anybody watching this who feels

like maybe they get stuck in

relationships with avoidant people i've

got this video lined up for you right

here and i will see you very soon

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you