Your Inner Critic: The Global Crisis No One Is Talking About | Elizabeth Lombardo | TEDxUIUC

Summary

In this empowering speech, Elizabeth addresses the universal presence of the 'inner critic,' a voice of self-doubt named Mitzi. She illustrates the impact of conditional self-worth on mental health and behavior, highlighting issues like perfectionism, impostor syndrome, and cyberbullying. Elizabeth advocates for unconditional self-worth, a belief in oneself regardless of external conditions, as a means to overcome the inner critic and let one's light shine. She offers practical advice on cultivating this mindset through identifying and applying personal values, sharing a relatable story of breaking through a metaphorical and literal barrier.

Takeaways

• 🗣️ The script discusses the concept of an 'inner critic', a voice in our heads that often brings us down with negative and condescending comments.
• 🤔 The inner critic, named 'Mitzi' in the script, is always present, affecting self-perception and actions, and can be a source of self-doubt and anxiety.
• 🏋️‍♀️ The story of a seminar where the speaker had to break a board illustrates the power of focus and how self-doubt can hinder our performance.
• 👗 A wardrobe malfunction during the board-breaking exercise symbolizes how focusing on obstacles can stop us, but shifting focus to the solution can lead to success.
• 🔄 The script emphasizes the global crisis of conditional self-worth, where self-belief is dependent on meeting certain conditions or external validation.
• 🤳 The impact of social media on self-worth is highlighted, showing how comparing ourselves to others online can lead to feelings of inadequacy and depression.
• 💡 Conditional self-worth manifests in various behaviors such as perfectionism, impostor syndrome, bullying, arrogance, and even road rage.
• 🚫 The script suggests that superficial affirmations and narcissism are not solutions, as they still involve conditional self-worth based on comparison.
• 💡 Unconditional self-worth is presented as the antidote to the inner critic, where self-belief is not dependent on external conditions or achievements.
• 🌟 Cultivating unconditional self-worth involves identifying and applying personal values, which can help to overpower the inner critic and allow one's inner light to shine.
• 🔑 The speaker provides an exercise to identify values by admiring someone and recognizing the same qualities in oneself, suggesting that this can lead to the emergence of unconditional self-worth.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the transcript?

The main theme of the transcript is overcoming the negative impact of the inner critic, also referred to as 'Mitzi,' and developing unconditional self-worth.

Who is Mitzi in the context of the transcript?

In the transcript, Mitzi is a metaphorical representation of the inner critic, the voice in one's head that is critical and often brings one down.

What is the connection between the inner critic and conditional self-worth?

The inner critic is linked to conditional self-worth as it often dictates one's self-worth based on external conditions or achievements, rather than inherent value.

What is an example of conditional self-worth mentioned in the transcript?

An example of conditional self-worth given is believing in oneself only if certain conditions are met, such as receiving a certain number of likes on social media or getting an 'A' grade.

How does the speaker describe the impact of conditional self-worth on an individual's life?

The speaker describes the impact of conditional self-worth as limiting and controlling, leading to behaviors like perfectionism, impostor syndrome, bullying, and arrogance.

What is the antidote to conditional self-worth according to the transcript?

The antidote to conditional self-worth is unconditional self-worth, which is the belief in oneself regardless of external conditions or outcomes.

What is the significance of the board-breaking exercise in the transcript?

The board-breaking exercise serves as a metaphor for overcoming self-doubt and the inner critic, illustrating the power of focusing beyond the obstacle and believing in one's ability to succeed.

How does the speaker suggest cultivating unconditional self-worth?

The speaker suggests cultivating unconditional self-worth by applying the values that are most important to the individual, which can lead to self-acceptance and a reduction in the influence of the inner critic.

What exercise does the speaker propose to help identify one's values?

The speaker proposes an exercise where one identifies a person they admire and then determines what characteristic of that person they admire, which is also a characteristic they admire in themselves.

How can applying one's values lead to the emergence of unconditional self-worth?

Applying one's values can lead to the emergence of unconditional self-worth by allowing individuals to act in alignment with their beliefs and principles, thus fostering self-acceptance and reducing the need for external validation.

What is the final message the speaker conveys about the power of unconditional self-worth?

The final message is that when unconditional self-worth emerges, it allows individuals to control their inner critic, enabling their inner light to shine through and overcome even the darkest of times.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Overcoming Inner Critic and Conditional Self-Worth

The speaker introduces the concept of the inner critic, personified as 'Mitzi,' who constantly undermines self-confidence with negative thoughts. The narrative describes a personal experience at a seminar where the speaker had to break a wooden board, symbolizing overcoming self-doubt. The paragraph delves into the idea of conditional self-worth, which is dependent on external validation and leads to negative behaviors such as perfectionism, impostor syndrome, and cyberbullying. The speaker emphasizes the pervasiveness of the inner critic and its impact on mental health, suggesting that it's a global issue affecting everyone's lives.

05:00

🌟 Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth

This paragraph discusses the detrimental effects of conditional self-worth and introduces 'unconditional self-worth' as the antidote. Unconditional self-worth is about believing in oneself regardless of external conditions, which can help control the inner critic and allow one's inner light to shine. The speaker provides examples of how conditional self-worth manifests in behaviors like perfectionism, impostor syndrome, and arrogance. The paragraph also touches on how to cultivate unconditional self-worth by identifying and applying one's core values, which can lead to personal growth and a more fulfilling life.

10:02

💡 Applying Values to Emerge from Inner Critic's Shadow

The final paragraph offers practical advice on how to develop unconditional self-worth by identifying and applying personal values. The speaker suggests an exercise to admire someone and recognize the values they embody, which are also admired in oneself. By applying these values in daily life, one can overcome the limitations set by the inner critic and experience happiness, better relationships, and a more engaged life. The speaker concludes with a personal anecdote about breaking through a board with a renewed focus, symbolizing the triumph of unconditional self-worth over self-doubt.

Keywords

💡Inner Critic

The 'Inner Critic' refers to the negative, self-doubting voice within one's mind that often undermines confidence and self-worth. In the video, the inner critic is personified as 'Mitzi,' who consistently delivers condescending comments aimed at bringing the individual down. The concept is central to the video's theme, illustrating how this internal voice can limit personal growth and happiness, as seen when the speaker is faced with the challenge of breaking a board and her inner critic screams doubt and fear.

💡Conditional Self-Worth

Conditional Self-Worth is the belief that one's value is dependent on meeting certain conditions or criteria. The video explains this concept as a belief system where self-affirmation is tied to external validation, such as social media likes or academic grades. It is a key theme as it underpins the negative impact of the inner critic, showing how it can lead to behaviors like perfectionism, impostor syndrome, and bullying, as individuals constantly seek external validation to feel worthy.

💡Unconditional Self-Worth

Unconditional Self-Worth is the opposite of Conditional Self-Worth, where an individual's value is not dependent on external factors but is inherent and constant. The video promotes this concept as the antidote to the inner critic, suggesting that recognizing one's inherent worth can empower individuals to overcome self-doubt and external pressures. It is exemplified when the speaker encourages embracing one's values to cultivate this sense of self-worth, leading to personal growth and fulfillment.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the tendency to pursue flawlessness and set extremely high standards for oneself, often leading to an 'all-or-nothing' mentality. In the video, perfectionism is discussed as a manifestation of Conditional Self-Worth, where individuals feel they must be perfect to be considered successful or worthy. The speaker uses this term to highlight the pressure and stress that can result from the inner critic's influence.

💡Impostor Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome is the feeling that one's accomplishments are not deserved and that one will eventually be exposed as a 'fraud.' The video mentions this concept to describe how the inner critic can make individuals doubt their abilities and fear that others will discover their perceived inadequacies, which is a direct result of Conditional Self-Worth.

💡Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying refers to the use of digital communication tools to harm or harass others, often by demeaning or aggressive behavior. The video connects cyberbullying to Conditional Self-Worth, suggesting that individuals may resort to putting others down online to feel better about themselves, which is a misguided attempt to boost their own self-worth.

💡Values

Values are the principles or standards that guide an individual's behavior and decision-making. The video emphasizes the importance of identifying and applying one's values as a means to cultivate Unconditional Self-Worth. By focusing on values such as tenacity, compassion, or integrity, individuals can define their self-worth internally, rather than relying on external validation.

💡Self-Doubt

Self-Doubt is the lack of confidence in one's own abilities or decisions. In the context of the video, self-doubt is a direct product of the inner critic, which can paralyze individuals with fear and prevent them from taking action or pursuing their goals, as illustrated when the speaker is about to break the board and her inner critic screams in panic.

💡Social Media

Social Media is a platform for social interaction using digital technologies, and it plays a significant role in the video's narrative as a source of Conditional Self-Worth. The speaker discusses how social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and depression by promoting constant comparison with others, who often present idealized versions of their lives.

💡Inner Light

Inner Light in the video represents the inherent goodness and potential within every individual. It is a metaphor for the authentic self that can shine brightly when Unconditional Self-Worth is embraced. The video suggests that overcoming the inner critic allows this inner light to emerge, leading to personal empowerment and the ability to positively impact the world.

💡Self-Affirmation

Self-Affirmation is the act of positively asserting one's worth or abilities. The video contrasts superficial self-affirmations, which the speaker suggests are ineffective against the inner critic, with the deeper, more meaningful affirmation that comes from recognizing and living according to one's values. This leads to a genuine sense of Unconditional Self-Worth.

Highlights

The concept of an 'inner critic' named Mitzi, which represents the negative self-talk that can hinder personal growth and confidence.

Mitzi's presence from the moment of waking, causing self-doubt and negative self-assessments throughout the day.

The seminar experience where the power of focus is taught through a physical challenge of breaking a board, symbolizing overcoming personal obstacles.

The impact of focusing on obstacles versus focusing on solutions, as demonstrated in the board-breaking exercise.

The global crisis of conditional self-worth and its obsession with comparison, leading to negative mental health outcomes.

The definition of conditional self-worth and how it varies from person to person, affecting self-belief and actions.

The link between social media use, comparison, and increased rates of depression due to conditional self-worth.

Examples of conditional self-worth in everyday life, such as perfectionism, impostor syndrome, bullying, and arrogance.

The tendency of the inner critic to personalize and react negatively to others' actions, contributing to behaviors like road rage.

The idea that the inner critic supports the individual only when threatened by others, leading to a 'my way or the highway' mentality.

The universality of the inner critic and its presence even in high-performing, successful individuals.

The distinction between having an inner critic and narcissism, and why superficial affirmations often fail to silence the inner critic.

The introduction of 'unconditional self-worth' as the antidote to conditional self-worth, allowing individuals to shine their inner light.

Practical steps to cultivate unconditional self-worth, starting with identifying and applying one's core values.

An exercise to identify someone one admires and recognizing the admired traits within oneself as part of one's values.

The transformational power of unconditional self-worth in improving happiness, relationships, and overall life satisfaction.

The story of overcoming a wardrobe malfunction during the board-breaking exercise as a metaphor for overcoming self-doubt.

The final message that even with an inner critic present, unconditional self-worth can enable individuals to break through challenges.

Transcripts

okay Elizabeth do not mess this up this

is Chad axe what if I forget what I'm

supposed to say what if I trip on this

red carpet oh my gosh did I brush my

teeth this morning come on Elizabeth

focus don't embarrass yourself ah that

inner voice that inner critic we all

have one mine her name is Mitzi

she's Little Miss critical camped out in

my head just waiting to screech out yet

another condescending comment meant to

bring me down oh yeah she's there before

I even opened my eyes in the morning

should have gone to bed earlier you're

gonna have bags under your eyes walking

by the mirror you really need to work

out at work promotion there's no way

you're gonna get it you're a failure in

social situations no one wants to talk

to you Oh Luther and Mitzi has an

unbelievable memory for every single

mistake ever made and loves to replay it

over and over and over again it's 2016

I met a seminar ready to learn I'm

dressed all professionally in my dress

pad and pen in hand unbeknownst to me

until this precise moment the instructor

is a third degree black belt and out of

the blue jumps up holding a plank of

wood zing put away her patents folks

today we're gonna use the power focus to

break through boards break through

boards I'm wearing a dress in heels

hmm there's no way you're gonna be able

to do this as we approach and line up to

execute the task guess who's standing

right next to me Mitzi you're too weak

to do this see you should have gone to

the gym there are three people ahead of

me the first person gets up in front of

that plank of wood totally focused and

slice karate chops right through what if

you can't do that you look like a fool

second person gets up totally focused

and slice do not mess this up Elizabeth

especially in front of your colleague

it'll be so embarrassing third person

gets up I'm next third person gets up

focused and ha ha ha

she fails to slice right through she

leaves a few moments later with a

bruised hand and probably a bruised ego

and I'm up next as I approach that plank

of wood Mitzi is in a frantic frenzy of

self-doubt she's shouting at a hundred

and ten decimals

I think crowd around me is cheering but

I can't hear it because that inner

critic is drowning me out what if you

can't do this you'll be so embarrassing

I go up to that board I will not let it

beat me and slice except it wasn't my

hand that went through the board it was

a rip up the back of my dress oh yes you

see when we focus on the board our hand

stops at the board just like when you

focus on any obstacle that obstacle can

stop you in your tracks when we focus on

our inner critic it limits us it

controls us the inner critic can take

over your life and in fact we are facing

a global crisis that no one is talking

about our inner critic has become

obsessed with conditional self-worth and

the majority of us have conditional

self-worth without even realizing it so

what is conditional self-worth

well conditional self-worth means I

believe in myself if and only if certain

conditions are met and those conditions

vary from person to person so it may be

I believe in myself if I receive a

certain number of likes on social media

if I get an A if I get a compliment if

I'm a member of a certain group or I

have a certain title right I believe in

myself if and this impacts every single

facet of your life because what goes on

up here controls what goes on out here

Mitsy determines your worth based on

certain conditions like how you compare

to others and we see the supported in

the research that consistently shows

that the longer people spend on social

media the more likely they are to be

depressed why cuz they're comparing

themselves to others look at how perfect

her life is look at how pretty she is

let's remember folks everybody looks

good with a filter so what does

conditional self-worth look like in its

natural habitat well for one thing

perfectionism that all-or-nothing

perfect or failure perfect or why even

bother mentality it's got to be perfect

or else you're a failure

conditional self-worth impostor syndrome

I have a lot of clients who struggle

with this it's the notion that you're in

way over your head and people are gonna

figure it out you're not good enough for

this role people are gonna see what a

fraud you are conditional self-worth

bullying cyber bullying the skyrocketing

rates of cyber bullying do you ever

wonder why people can be so mean on the

Internet

they're putting other people down to try

to feel better about themselves

conditional self-worth bragging

arrogance you guessed it people boasting

so that they feel good about themselves

in fact the next time someone tries to

tell you how great they are what college

they went to what kind of car they drive

this is what I want you to do I want you

to cross your arms I want you to lean

back and think that poor dear has

conditional self-worth

Mitsy tends to personalize what other

people do she is a very fragile ego a

study by Triple A Foundation of Traffic

Safety found that almost 80% of people

admit to road rage 80 percent so you're

driving down the highway life's great

someone cuts in front of you and you

think who do you think you are you think

you're better than I am

in reality they aren't thinking of you

not because you aren't worthy of being

thought of but because they're in their

own mind and Mitzi is very

threatened by other people's differences

diverse opinions backgrounds

perspectives cultures beliefs who they

make mitzi very uncomfortable and when

your inner critic is uncomfortable

she tends to share that stress with the

people around her by putting them down

in fact the only time your inner critic

actually supports you is when your inner

critic is so threatened by other people

that it feels the need to put them down

his opinions are different they're bad

he is wrong you're right for your inner

critic it's either Mitzi's way or the

wrong way as a clinical psychologist

who's worked with clients for over 20

years I can tell you we all have an

inner critic unless you're a true

sociopath but aside from that you we all

have an inner critic it's louder at some

times than others we all have one and I

work with high-performing clients people

who are on paper are very successful

even they have an inner critic so what

can we do well some people think that

the opposite of being having an inner

critic is to think that you are the best

but really narcissism and entitlement

those are types of conditional

self-worth because you're still

comparing yourself to others and

superficial affirmations don't tend to

work either right trying to convince

yourself I believe in myself you know

what your inner critic says no you don't

so are we doomed well that depends

every single person is good in their

core each one of you has an inner light

that you're meant to shine and share

with the world

if your inner critic lets you but with

conditional self-worth can really darken

your life I didn't get enough likes on

social media she's so much prettier than

I am I can't believe I just said that

I'm missing out on all the fun by

staying home

these conditions prevent our light from

shining now the antidote to conditional

self-worth is something that I call

unconditional self-worth

that's when you no longer place the

limits of your value as a human being

and when your unconditional self-worth

emerges you can control that inner

critic and your light can shine

unconditional self-worth means you

believe in yourself regardless it's

based on your values accepting yourself

and others and focusing on unconditional

self-worth helps you overpower your

inner Mitzi so when your inner critic is

telling you you totally mess that up

your unconditional self-worth reminds

you it's not failure its data we can

learn and grow from that she got the

promotion that means you lost I'm happy

for her success and I know that I can be

successful too you totally messed that

up you're a loser I got this I can

handle anything he has different

opinions than you he's wrong you're

right I love hearing other people's

perspectives and can learn so much from

them when we focus on unconditional soft

fourth we can control our inner critic

and our inner light can emerge so how

can you cultivate your unconditional

self-worth well one way is to apply the

values that are most important to you

values do I have values can i buy values

do I have to go to a Tibetan monastery

to figure out my values luckily it's not

that difficult so let's do a quick quick

experiment a quick exercise I want you

to identify someone who you admire

someone you look up to just picture that

person right now it may be someone in

your life it could be a famous figure

even a fictional character right you got

that person in your mind now what's one

thing about that person that you admire

maybe it's their tenacity their sense of

humor their ability to handle stress

their confidence their compassion that

characteristic that you admire in

someone else

is also what you admire in yourself oh

that's so good I'm going to say it again

what we admire in other people we admire

nurse elves and when you apply the

values that are most important to you in

your life that's when your unconditional

self-worth can emerge so what's one

thing you can do today to apply that

value for example if you chose tenacity

maybe you're gonna stop procrastinating

and start tackling that project that

you've been avoiding if you chose

compassion maybe you're gonna pick up

your phone and call or text a friend

who's going through a tough time and

please keep in mind it doesn't have to

be perfect so if you chose compassion

your first step doesn't need to be

moving to Africa and building water

wells for three months it could be

something as simple as looking at the

barista and the eye and saying thank you

when you get your coffee or writing a

quick note to a teacher from your past

who continues to have a positive impact

on you when you apply the values that

are most important to you your

unconditional self-worth can emerge and

when that happens your happiness your

relationships your life everything

flourishes so you get out of bed in the

morning before your alarm clock even

goes on because you're so excited about

the day you walk by the mirror and

absolute all of your body and everything

that it does including the 200 muscles

it takes to take a single

step without you even thinking about it

at work you can be fully engaged and

feel proud of the contribution that

you're making in social situations you

can feel comfortable in your own skin

even when you don't know anyone let's go

back to that board breaking experience

when we lost our protagonist her

backside was inadvertently experiencing

its own air conditioning now a friend of

mine and notice I'm not gonna let a

little wardrobe malfunction stop me

so she gives me her jacket to tie around

my waist and this time approaching that

plank of wood the focus is different

instead of on the wood it's past the

wood okay instead of on the obstacle

it's on the solution instead of there's

no way you can do this

it's you've got it and with that slice I

break right through that board and

proceed to run right up to my room and

change before I get arrested for

indecent exposure isn't that a great

reminder in life our inner mitzi may be

there but when your unconditional

self-worth emerges your light can break

through even the darkest of times thank

you

[Applause]