Data Scientist Exposes Men & Women’s Real Dating Preferences

Chris Williamson

13 May 202213:52

Summary

TLDRThis insightful script explores the surprising lessons from data on achieving success in dating. It highlights the advantage of being an extreme version of oneself to attract polarized interest, rather than aiming for average appeal. The speaker emphasizes the importance of psychological traits over superficial ones for long-term happiness, suggesting that focusing on shared similarities can increase dating success. The discussion challenges conventional dating strategies, advocating for a shift in priorities towards genuine compatibility and happiness.

Takeaways

😎 The most successful daters are often conventionally attractive people like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman, who effortlessly attract attention.
🌟 For those not conventionally attractive, being polarizing can be beneficial in dating. Embrace an extreme version of yourself to attract those who are really into you.
📊 The speaker emphasizes the importance of being authentic and 'nerdy' in his own dating life, which attracted his partner who appreciates that quality.
🤔 The data suggests that trying to appeal to everyone by toning down unique traits might be counterproductive in the dating world.
🔢 In online dating, even those with lower attractiveness ratings have a significant chance of success when they ask out people who are more attractive, especially for women.
💌 The key to dating 'out of your league' may involve being an extreme version of oneself and asking a large number of people out to increase the chances of getting a positive response.
🧐 A study of 11,000 couples revealed that psychological factors like secure attachment style, growth mindset, and conscientiousness are more predictive of relationship happiness than superficial traits.
💔 There is a disconnect between what people find attractive in dating apps and what actually leads to long-term happiness in relationships.
🏆 The competition for conventionally attractive partners is fierce, and even if one succeeds, there may be underlying psychological reasons for their availability.
🤝 People are drawn to those who are similar to them in various aspects, including race, religion, education, and even shared initials, which can be leveraged in dating strategies.
💡 The advice to focus less on superficial traits and more on finding someone with good psychological qualities can make dating easier and more fulfilling.

Q & A

What is the main point made by Christian Rudder in his book 'Dataclysm' regarding successful daters?
-Christian Rudder argues that the most successful daters are typically conventionally attractive individuals like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman. However, there are also people with extreme looks, such as those who shave their heads or have unconventional hair colors, who do surprisingly well in dating due to their polarizing appearance.
What strategy does the speaker suggest for individuals who are not conventionally attractive to improve their dating success?
-The speaker suggests that individuals who are not conventionally attractive should embrace an extreme version of themselves to become polarizing. This way, while some people may be turned off, others will be genuinely attracted, increasing the chances of finding a compatible partner.
How did the speaker apply the concept of being an 'extreme version of oneself' in his own dating life?
-The speaker applied this concept by fully embracing his nerdy personality. He ordered an iPhone case with a happiness chart to constantly remind himself to make data-driven decisions, which is a reflection of his geeky nature.
What is the significance of the study led by Samantha Joel in predicting romantic happiness?
-Samantha Joel's study, involving 11,000 couples and multiple variables, found that psychological variables such as secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, and life satisfaction have some predictive power on romantic happiness, while superficial traits like conventional attractiveness and partner's height have little to no predictive power.
What does the speaker suggest about the relationship between physical attractiveness and long-term relationship happiness?
-The speaker suggests that there is a disconnect between physical attractiveness and long-term relationship happiness. While people are often drawn to beauty, it is the psychological traits that are more likely to contribute to a happy and successful relationship.
What is the advice given by the speaker regarding the pursuit of dating someone who is more attractive or desirable than oneself?
-The speaker advises to be an extreme version of oneself and to ask out many people. By doing so, even with a small chance of success per individual, the overall probability of finding a match increases significantly.
How does the speaker describe the competition for individuals with highly desirable traits in the dating market?
-The speaker describes the competition as ferocious, noting that the pursuit of these individuals can lead to a significant amount of time spent single and potentially complaining about the lack of success in dating.
What is the role of similarity in dating according to the speaker?
-According to the speaker, similarity plays a significant role in dating. People are drawn to others who share similar traits, such as race, religion, education level, and even something as trivial as sharing initials, which can give a bonus in online dating.
What is the concept of 'Jewish privilege' mentioned by the speaker, and how does it relate to dating?
-The concept of 'Jewish privilege' refers to the speaker's observation that the quality of his dates was higher within the Jewish community due to a similarity bias, even though religion was not a significant factor for him personally.
What is the speaker's final advice for individuals struggling with dating?
-The speaker's final advice is to care less about superficial traits and focus on finding someone with good psychological traits that can lead to long-term happiness. He also suggests using strategies and taking advantage of any 'privilege' to increase dating success.

Outlines

00:00

💑 The Power of Being Polarizing in Dating

The first paragraph discusses the surprising findings from Christian Rudder's book 'Dataclysm', which suggests that the most successful daters are either extremely attractive like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman or those with polarizing looks, such as shaved heads or unconventional hair colors. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being an extreme version of oneself to attract a niche audience. They share personal experiences of embracing their nerdiness, which eventually attracted a partner who appreciated that quality. The paragraph concludes with the idea that in dating, it's not about appealing to everyone but finding a few who are genuinely interested.

05:01

🔍 The Disconnect Between Attraction and Relationship Happiness

The second paragraph delves into a study led by Samantha Joel, which analyzed data from 11,000 couples to determine predictors of romantic happiness. The study found that psychological factors such as secure attachment style, growth mindset, conscientiousness, and life satisfaction were more predictive of relationship happiness than superficial attributes like physical attractiveness or partner's occupation. The speaker highlights the irony that dating apps often prioritize the very traits that have little impact on long-term happiness, suggesting that people should focus less on physical characteristics and more on psychological compatibility.

10:03

🤔 Leveraging Similarity and Extremes in Dating Strategies

The third paragraph explores the concept of similarity bias in dating, where people are more likely to match with others who share similar traits, including race, religion, education, and even initials. The speaker humorously points out the irrationality of such preferences, using the example of a preference for shared initials increasing the likelihood of a match. They also touch on the idea of 'privilege' within certain dating pools, such as the Jewish community, and how this can be advantageous. The paragraph concludes with advice to prioritize finding a partner who is genuinely nice and compatible over superficial traits, and to use data-driven strategies when aiming to date someone considered 'out of one's league'.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Data Clism

Data Clism refers to the book 'Dataclysm: Love, Sex, Race, and Identity—What Our Online Lives Tell Us About Our Offline Selves' by Christian Rudder. The book explores how data from online dating platforms can reveal insights into human behavior, particularly in the realm of dating. In the script, it is mentioned as a source of the insight that the most successful daters are often conventionally attractive people, but also those with extreme looks who are polarizing in the dating market.

💡Polarizing

In the context of the video, polarizing refers to the idea of standing out in a way that elicits strong reactions, either positive or negative. The script suggests that being polarizing in dating can be advantageous, as it attracts people who are particularly drawn to one's unique or extreme qualities, even if it repels others.

💡Nerdiness

Nerdiness, as discussed in the script, is a term used to describe someone who is highly knowledgeable or enthusiastic about a particular subject, often to the point of being considered unconventional or overly intellectual. The speaker uses their own 'nerdiness' as an example of embracing an extreme version of oneself to attract a partner who appreciates those qualities.

💡Happiness

Happiness, in this video, relates to the emotional state of satisfaction and contentment in a romantic relationship. The script mentions a study that analyzed factors contributing to romantic happiness, concluding that psychological variables like secure attachment style and conscientiousness have more predictive power than superficial traits like physical attractiveness.

💡Desirability Ratings

Desirability ratings refer to the perceived attractiveness or appeal of a person in the context of dating. The script discusses studies that show the outcomes of people with different desirability ratings messaging each other on dating sites, suggesting that even those with lower ratings can successfully attract higher-rated individuals by being an extreme version of themselves and asking out many people.

💡Online Dating

Online dating is the process of meeting potential romantic partners through the internet, often using specialized websites or apps. The script frequently references data from online dating platforms to draw conclusions about dating success and the factors that influence it.

💡Physical Attractiveness

Physical attractiveness is the degree to which a person's appearance is considered aesthetically pleasing. The video script points out that while physical attractiveness is often prioritized in dating, it has less predictive power for long-term relationship happiness compared to psychological traits.

💡Psychological Traits

Psychological traits refer to the characteristics of an individual's personality or mental tendencies. In the script, these traits, such as a secure attachment style and growth mindset, are highlighted as more important for predicting happiness in a relationship than physical appearance or other superficial qualities.

💡Similarity Bias

Similarity bias is the preference for things or people that are similar to oneself. The script discusses how people are drawn to others who share similar characteristics, such as race, religion, education, or even initials, which can give an advantage in dating.

💡Competition

Competition, in the context of the video, refers to the rivalry among individuals to attract the same potential romantic partners, particularly those who are highly desirable due to their physical attractiveness or other sought-after traits. The script suggests that focusing on less competitive qualities can lead to more satisfying relationships.

💡Long-term Relationship Happiness

Long-term relationship happiness is the enduring sense of fulfillment and joy experienced within a committed romantic partnership. The video emphasizes that this form of happiness is more likely to be influenced by psychological compatibility and shared values rather than initial physical attraction.

Highlights

The most successful daters are typically conventionally attractive people like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman.

Polarizing looks can be surprisingly successful in dating, such as extreme hairstyles or unique fashion choices.

Embracing one's unique traits can attract people who are genuinely interested, even if it repels others.

Being an extreme version of oneself in dating can lead to finding a partner who is truly into you.

The speaker emphasizes being authentically nerdy in his own dating life, which attracted his partner.

Data suggests that trying to tone down one's nerdiness may be counterproductive in dating.

Online dating studies show that people are more successful when they ask out others who are more attractive than themselves.

The odds of receiving a positive response increase significantly when one asks out multiple people.

Physical attractiveness and other superficial traits have little predictive power on long-term relationship happiness.

Psychological variables such as secure attachment style and conscientiousness are more indicative of relationship happiness.

There is a disconnect between what people prioritize in dating and what actually leads to happiness.

Competition for conventionally attractive traits is fierce, which may lead to prolonged singlehood.

People may be single because they are trying to date a small pool of individuals that everyone desires.

There may be psychological reasons why highly attractive individuals are still single.

The speaker suggests that physical characteristics may not correlate with positive psychological traits.

People are drawn to others who share similarities, including race, religion, and even initials.

Taking advantage of similarity bias can increase the chances of dating success.

The speaker recommends focusing on finding someone nice and psychologically compatible for long-term happiness.

Using strategies like asking out many people and leveraging similarity can help in dating more attractive individuals.