To Love Is to Be Brave | Kelly Corrigan | TED

Summary

The speaker recounts personal stories of bravery in everyday life, from her own experiences with cancer to witnessing the strength of a father who lost his wife. She emphasizes the quiet courage required in family life, especially in moments of crisis and vulnerability, where the bravest act is often to simply listen and support without taking over or leaving. The reward for such bravery is a profound human experience and an other-centric love.

Takeaways

• 🌟 The speaker was initially drawn to the concept of bravery and sought out adventures to collect stories of it.
• 🛳 The speaker embarked on a sailing journey without modern comforts, traveling to various countries with minimal resources.
• 👨‍👧‍👦 As a nanny, the speaker witnessed the bravery of a father, Jim, who navigated the loss of his wife and supported his children through their grief.
• 🏆 The speaker has been cataloging acts of bravery in family life, noting that these often go unrecognized but are incredibly significant.
• 🤔 The speaker reflects on the unexpected challenges that arise in crises, which are not part of any prepared plan and require courage to face.
• 💔 The speaker shares personal experiences of bravery, including dealing with the emotional aftermath of cancer and its impact on her relationship.
• 🏆 The speaker interviews successful individuals and finds that their stories of family and personal bravery are the ones they remember most vividly.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The speaker discusses the small, everyday acts of bravery within families, where there may not be clear answers or solutions.
• 💬 The speaker emphasizes the importance of being present and listening in moments of family crisis, using simple phrases to encourage dialogue.
• 🚫 The brave do not take over situations or become the hero, but instead offer a supportive presence and a listening ear.
• 🏠 The brave do not leave or hide from difficult situations; they remain available and ready to bear witness to the struggles of their loved ones.
• 🌱 The final act of bravery is letting go and allowing loved ones to navigate their own lives, trusting in the strength and resilience they've instilled in them.

Q & A

What is the initial misunderstanding the speaker's mom had about TED?

The speaker's mom initially thought TED was another virus when the speaker asked her about it.

What was the speaker's motivation for going on an adventure?

The speaker was drawn to the concept of bravery and was inspired by the idea of collecting adventures.

How did the speaker travel without modern conveniences like a phone or credit card?

The speaker traveled with 3,800 dollars in traveler's checks and some expired antibiotics, relying on minimal resources.

What role did the speaker take on when they ran out of money?

The speaker became a nanny for two children who had recently lost their mother.

What was the father's occupation in the family where the speaker worked as a nanny?

The father was a flight attendant for Qantas.

How did the speaker describe the bravery of the father in the family where they were a nanny?

The speaker described the father's bravery as organizing his emotions and answering difficult questions to provide a sense of safety for his children.

What personal health challenge did the speaker face in their 30s?

The speaker faced stage-3 cancer in their 30s.

How did the speaker's experience with cancer affect their personal life?

The experience with cancer made the speaker confront the emotional challenges of changes in their body and the impact on their relationship with their husband.

What kind of people has the speaker interviewed for their PBS show and podcast?

The speaker has interviewed people with significant achievements such as Grammys, Pulitzers, and NBA championships.

What common theme did the speaker find in the stories of the successful people they interviewed?

The common theme was the moments of bravery and support from family members during their most challenging times.

What does the speaker suggest as the ultimate act of bravery in family life?

The ultimate act of bravery in family life, according to the speaker, is to lean back and let go, allowing loved ones to face their challenges without intervening.

What is the reward for the bravery described in the script?

The reward for the bravery described is a full human experience with intense emotions, an other-centric love, and the awe of witnessing interpersonal relationships.

Outlines

00:00

🌊 Embracing the Brave Journey of Life's Adventures

The speaker shares personal anecdotes of bravery, starting with a humorous misunderstanding about TED by her mother. As a young adult, she was captivated by the concept of bravery and embarked on a sailing adventure across various countries with minimal resources, leading to an unexpected job as a nanny for two grieving children. This experience exposed her to the profound courage of a father, Jim, who navigated the aftermath of his wife's death. The narrative weaves through various acts of bravery in family life, emphasizing the unanticipated challenges that come with them. The speaker also candidly discusses her battle with cancer, highlighting the emotional toll it took on her personal life.

05:00

🤝 The Quiet Bravery in Everyday Family Life

This paragraph delves into the subtle yet profound acts of bravery within family dynamics. The speaker contrasts the public recognition of grand achievements with the private struggles and moments of strength that go unnoticed. She emphasizes the importance of being present and responsive in difficult conversations, suggesting that bravery is not about taking control but about being a supportive listener. The speaker also humorously touches on the idea of escaping from the challenges of life, only to acknowledge that true bravery lies in staying and witnessing the journey of loved ones, even when it's painful or uncomfortable.

10:00

🏅 The Reward of Unconditional Love and Bravery

In the concluding paragraph, the speaker reflects on the nature of the reward for the bravery exhibited in life's most challenging moments. It's not about public accolades or material gains but about the deep, enriching human experience that comes from selfless love and support. The speaker celebrates those who, despite being untrained and often caught off-guard, dare to embrace love and be a source of strength for others. The ultimate act of bravery, as illustrated through a dream of a dying friend, is letting go and trusting that the love and support given were enough for the loved ones to carry on.

Keywords

💡Brave

In the context of the video, 'brave' refers to the courage exhibited in facing difficult and challenging situations, particularly within the dynamics of family life. The term is used to describe the strength and resilience of individuals who confront personal adversities and support others through their struggles. For example, the speaker mentions being drawn to the word 'brave' at the age of 21 and later describes the bravery of a man named Jim in Sydney, Australia, who navigated the loss of his wife and the subsequent emotional challenges with his children.

💡Adventure

The term 'adventure' in the video is used to describe the speaker's journey of self-discovery and exploration, which involved traveling to various countries without a set plan or modern conveniences. It symbolizes the willingness to step out of one's comfort zone and embrace the unknown, as illustrated by the speaker's experience of sailing on a 46-foot boat and traveling to seven different countries.

💡Cancer

'Cancer' is mentioned in the video as a personal battle the speaker faced in her 30s. It is used to highlight the physical and emotional challenges that come with serious illness, as well as the bravery required to navigate the changes it brings to one's life. The speaker contrasts the courage needed for following a chemotherapy schedule with the emotional vulnerability of discussing the impact of her surgery on her relationship with her husband.

💡Family

The concept of 'family' is central to the video's theme, emphasizing the complex and often challenging dynamics that arise within close relationships. The speaker discusses various scenarios involving family members, such as a father dealing with the loss of his wife, a daughter caring for her dementia-stricken father, and the speaker's own experiences with illness and its effects on her family life.

💡Bravery in Response

This concept refers to the courage needed to respond appropriately and empathetically to difficult situations within a family. The speaker uses examples such as a child being dropped from a group text or a family member revealing a personal struggle, emphasizing the importance of approaching these situations with care, understanding, and without taking over or leaving.

💡Cremation

The term 'cremation' is used in the video to illustrate the difficult questions that family members, particularly parents, may need to answer for their children in times of loss. It represents a moment of vulnerability and the need for bravery in providing explanations and comfort to those who are grieving.

💡Dementia

'Dementia' is mentioned in the context of a father's struggle with the condition and its impact on his daughter. It highlights the bravery required to care for a loved one who is not only physically but also mentally deteriorating, and the emotional complexity of maintaining a loving relationship despite the challenges.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability in the video is portrayed as a state of being open to emotional exposure and potential hurt, particularly in the context of discussing personal struggles or intimate issues within a family. The speaker uses the concept to emphasize the bravery of those who choose to share their vulnerabilities and the courage of those who listen and support them.

💡Endurance

Endurance is highlighted as a key aspect of bravery in the video, referring to the ability to withstand and persevere through prolonged hardship or pain. The speaker admires those who demonstrate 'gritty endurance' in the face of family challenges, such as caring for a loved one with dementia or dealing with the emotional aftermath of a serious illness.

💡Interpersonal

The term 'interpersonal' is used to describe the relationships between people, particularly within the context of family. The speaker reflects on the profound impact of interpersonal connections and the bravery involved in navigating these relationships, especially when they are marked by emotional pain or conflict.

💡Letting Go

'Letting go' in the video represents the act of allowing loved ones to live their lives without undue interference, even when it is difficult to do so. The speaker shares a dream of her friend Liz, who, despite being a parent who had to 'leave early,' trusted that her children were equipped to handle their own lives, illustrating the bravery of relinquishing control and trusting in others' resilience.

Highlights

The speaker's mother humorously confuses TED with a virus.

At 21, the speaker was drawn to the concept of bravery and storytelling.

Embarked on a sailing adventure from Malta to Tunisia and Sicily without knowing basic navigation terms.

Traveled 11,000 miles across 7 countries with only traveler's checks and expired antibiotics.

Became a nanny for two children who had lost their mother, providing care and support.

Witnessed the bravery of a father, Jim, who answered his children's difficult questions after their mother's death.

The speaker has a fascination with cataloging acts of bravery in family life.

Courage is required not just for big crises but also for handling the unexpected 'dirty surprises' within them.

Personal experience with stage-3 cancer and the emotional impact it had on her relationship.

The importance of being there for loved ones during their most vulnerable moments, as illustrated by stories of others.

Bravery in family life often involves dealing with smaller, everyday moments of injury and confusion.

The bravery to respond to difficult revelations from family members with simple but powerful questions.

The speaker contrasts the bravery of being present with the urge to take over and 'fix' situations.

The importance of not leaving or hiding, but staying and bearing witness to loved ones' struggles.

A story about a dream where parents who had to leave early could only intervene once in their children's lives.

The ultimate act of bravery is letting go and allowing loved ones to navigate their own paths.

The reward for bravery is not material or public recognition, but a profound human experience and love.

The speaker salutes those who dare to do love and be love, despite being untrained and often caught off-guard.

Transcripts

This is for my mom,

even though when I called her to say,

"Hey, have you heard of TED, T-E-D?"

She said, "Oh my God, Kelly, it's not another virus, is it?"

(Laughter)

As a 21-year-old, I was drawn to the word brave.

I had a soft spot for ripping yarns and the people who could tell them.

So, Odyssey on the brain,

I went out adventure collecting.

Without knowing how to spell starboard or which side it referred to,

I got on a 46-foot boat and I sailed from Malta to Tunisia to Sicily.

I traveled 11,000 miles over 13 months to seven different countries

without a plan or a phone or a credit card.

Just 3,800 dollars in traveler's checks,

which, if you're under 30,

it was like a little booklet of --

(Laughter)

perforated, I don't know.

(Laughter)

And some expired antibiotics my mom made me bring.

(Laughter)

And then, running out of money,

I landed as a nanny for two kids, four and seven,

who had just lost their mom.

I moved into their house,

so I could cover things on the three days a week

their dad worked as a flight attendant for Qantas.

I smeared sunblock on their noses and Vegemite on their toast.

I read them to sleep at night, I cleaned the counters.

The heavy lifting was left for the truly brave,

a man who organized his emotions

and answered the hardest questions,

such that his kids and hers

could feel a modicum of safety in a patently unsafe world.

Questions like "what is cremation?"

And "what happens to us if you die?"

And so it is that I stood witness to the unphotographable,

unmeasurable bravery of some guy named Jim in Sydney, Australia.

And over the years since,

I find I just can't stop cataloging these Olympic achievements in family life.

The really big things often come with a game plan and a team of experts

and enough adrenaline to lift a school bus over your head.

But inside every crisis you think you might be ready for

are 100 dirty surprises that are not in the playbook.

I had stage-3 cancer in my 30s,

and I can tell you that following the chemo schedule

didn't take nearly as much courage

as admitting to my husband that sex felt less sexy

after my boobs, which were once a real strong suit for me --

(Laughter)

Were made weird and uneven by a surgeon's knife.

Here's a surprise.

My friend's father, in his final days, addled by dementia,

chased her around the second floor with a fork

he hid in his pajamas.

They tell you there will be loss.

They don't tell you you will be required to love your dad

even as he's coming for you with silverware.

(Laughter)

I've interviewed 228 people for my PBS show and my podcast,

people with huge careers, Grammys

and Pulitzers and NBA championships.

And I listened to their stories and I'm duly impressed.

But I'll tell you the ones they know the best.

The ones they can't tell without choking up.

The moment when Bryan Stevenson's grandmother,

or Steve Kerr's father,

or Samantha Power's stepfather,

or Cecile Richards’ mom,

was right there with the right words

or the right silence at the right moment.

This bravery I'm talking about might even be better understood

if you look at the smaller moments of injury in family life

when there's not really an answer, or it might be your fault,

or it might remind you of something you'd rather forget.

Or because people are so suggestible

and the wrong tone or expression or phrasing

might somehow make things worse.

Say your kid was dropped from a group text.

They were in it, they mattered,

they belonged, and then, poof.

Or your husband blew the big deal at work,

or your mom won't wear the diapers

that would really help her get through mahjong on Wednesdays.

(Laughter)

And how should we calibrate the exquisite bravery

to respond productively

when someone in our family looks at us and says,

"Do I know you?"

"I weigh myself before and after every meal,"

"I hear voices," "I steal,"

"I'm using again,"

"He raped me," "She says I raped her,"

"I cut myself,"

"I bought a gun,"

"I stopped taking the medication,"

"I can't stop making online bets."

"Sometimes I wonder if more life is really worth all this effort."

Bravery is the great guts to move closer to the wound,

as composed as a war nurse

holding eye contact and saying these seven words:

Tell me more.

What else?

Go on.

That's how the brave shine, that's all they do.

They say, "Tell me more.

What else?

Go on."

Even if they're scared of what might happen next,

even if they have no training or experience

to prepare them for this moment.

Even if it's late and they have an early flight.

Here's two things the brave don't do.

They don't take over and become the hero

like it's a battle and the moves are so obvious.

You just pick up a weapon with your ripped pecs and ropey veins

and start slaying.

In families, bravery is mostly just sitting there.

With a posture that communicates "I can hear anything you want to tell me."

And a nice warm face of love that says, "This is so hard,

but you will figure it out."

Personally, I thought love meant action.

I had no idea it could be so still.

When things get hairy for one of my people,

everything in me wants to grab a clipboard,

make a to-do list, and start calendaring appointments.

Because where there's love, there's attachment.

And I don't care what the gurus say,

what's happening to them is also happening,

at least at some level, to us.

And all that can accidentally put us center stage.

No longer the coach or the minister,

but rather one of the afflicted.

But these gritty endurance types I've been admiring

have no self and no needs and no agenda.

Or at least they know how to override all that

for the main character who is not us.

The second thing the brave don't do?

Leave.

Or hide inside work or hobbies

or some other socially acceptable busyness.

In my worst moments, when sitting on my hands is just unbearable,

I have dreamed of going to get an MFA in Paris.

(Laughter)

Because if I can't help, why do I have to watch?

It would be nice to leave and start again.

Hardly anyone who's been in a long marriage

hasn't at least wondered how it is

that the object of their desire has become so burpy and farty.

(Laughter)

So bingo-armed and turkey-necked.

Sometimes I see myself naked.

Stretch marks from pregnancies, scars from cancer surgeries,

other things that I don't feel you need to be visualizing right about now.

(Laughter)

And I think it's a miracle that man stays with me.

But, you know, he's not untouched by time either.

(Laughter)

And that's just the physical.

I mean, who here hasn't wanted to be with someone

who hasn't seen us eating on the toilet or bitching at the Comcast guy?

(Laughter)

Leaving behind our own humiliating history,

maybe with the nice person we met at art school in Paris.

(Laughter)

It's an option.

People take it.

The brave hang around.

They are available and ready to bear witness.

The final act of bravery was made clear for me

during a conversation with my friend Liz

while she was dying at 46.

She said she had this weird, long,

totally convincing dream

where all the parents who, as she put it,

had to leave early,

were gathered.

And there she was, one of thousands of moms and dads,

and they were on folding chairs,

looking down at the world below through a thick glass floor.

And in this imaginary space her subconscious created,

there was one rule.

You could watch your child's life unfold,

but you could only intervene once.

In Liz's dream, a perfect dream,

she never had to intervene.

She had given them enough while she was here.

The final act then of the truly brave

is leaning back and letting them go.

The reward for all this bravery?

Not gold medals, not hero shots for Strava,

not ringing the bell at the New York Stock Exchange,

or owning the dinner party with Burning Man stories,

I think you know who you are.

(Laughter)

Maybe not even thanks.

The reward is a full human experience,

complete with all the emotions at maximum dosage,

where we have been put to great use

and found an other-centric love

that is complete in its expression

and its transmission.

The reward is to end up soft and humble,

empty and in awe,

knowing that of all the magnificence we have beheld from cradle to grave,

the most eye-popping was interpersonal.

So here's to anyone who notices and reads between the lines,

who asks the right questions, but not too many,

who takes notes at the doctor's office

and wipes butts, young and old,

who listens, holds and stays.

We, who, untrained

and always a little off-guard,

still dare to do love.

To be love.

That's brave.

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)