How to Be a Happy Loser | A Guide for Modern Day Untouchables

Summary

The video script challenges the derogatory use of the term 'loser' and explores its implications in modern society. It critiques the narrow definition of success and failure, questioning why society ridicules those who don't meet specific standards. Drawing on Stoic philosophy and psychological research, the script argues that external factors often dictate life outcomes, not just personal effort. It emphasizes that being labeled a 'loser' is subjective and doesn't define one's well-being. The script concludes by advocating for a shift in perspective, suggesting that happiness can be achieved regardless of societal labels, by focusing on personal definitions of success and embracing one's circumstances.

Takeaways

• 🍷 The script starts with a narrative about a 35-year-old man who is seen as a 'loser' due to his life circumstances, highlighting the modern use of the term.
• 💭 It questions the societal norms and definitions of failure and success, and the tendency to ridicule those deemed as 'losers'.
• 🌍 The script explores the cultural implications of the term 'loser' and how it is used to demean individuals who do not meet societal standards of success.
• 📚 It references an opinion article and an author's perspective to discuss how the term 'loser' has evolved into a derogatory insult in modern society.
• 🏆 The script delves into the dichotomy of 'winners' and 'losers', suggesting that this division may be more significant than other societal divisions.
• 🤔 It challenges the belief that being a 'loser' is entirely one's own fault, pointing out that many life events are beyond our control.
• 📉 The script cites Stoic philosophy to emphasize that we only control our actions and attitudes, not external events or outcomes.
• 🧐 It discusses psychological research showing that luck plays a significant role in life success, often more than talent or hard work.
• 👶 The script acknowledges that we do not choose many aspects of our lives, such as our birth circumstances or genetic predispositions.
• 💭 It suggests that the perception of being a 'loser' is subjective and varies across different social segments, and does not necessarily reflect one's well-being.
• 😌 The script concludes with philosophical insights on the importance of not taking others' opinions too seriously and the possibility of being a 'happy loser' despite societal labels.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video script?

The main theme of the video script is the exploration of the term 'loser' in modern culture, its derogatory use, and the societal pressures and judgments associated with it.

Why does the woman decline a second date with the man she met on a dating app?

The woman declines a second date because she labels the man as a 'loser' due to his lack of employment, success, and heavy drinking habits.

What does the script suggest about the concept of 'failure'?

The script suggests that the concept of 'failure' is subjective and not solely determined by an individual's fault or actions, but also influenced by factors beyond their control.

How does the script relate the term 'loser' to societal expectations?

The script relates the term 'loser' to societal expectations by stating that if a person hasn't reached the minimum standard of success perceived by society, they are labeled as a 'loser'.

What role does luck play in determining success according to Scott Barry Kaufman's research mentioned in the script?

According to Scott Barry Kaufman's research, luck plays a significant role in determining success, often more so than talent or individual effort.

How does the script define the term 'loser' in different languages?

In the script, the term 'loser' is defined in Dutch as 'verliezer', meaning someone who has lost, and in French as 'perdant', which carries a similar meaning.

What does the script suggest about the power of choice in our lives?

The script suggests that while we do possess the power of choice, which can influence our lives, the majority of events and circumstances are not up to us and are determined by factors beyond our control.

How does Arthur Schopenhauer view the importance of other people's opinions on our happiness?

Arthur Schopenhauer argues that other people's opinions should not be important to our happiness, but he also acknowledges that people deeply care about how others perceive them.

What is the script's perspective on being a 'happy loser'?

The script suggests that being a 'happy loser' is about not caring about being labeled as a 'loser' by society and focusing on one's own definition of success and happiness, despite external judgments.

How does the script address the subjectivity of the term 'loser'?

The script addresses the subjectivity of the term 'loser' by pointing out that what constitutes being a 'loser' varies across different social segments and is highly dependent on individual and societal perceptions.

What advice does the script offer for dealing with the label of 'loser'?

The script advises that one should not take the label of 'loser' too seriously, as it is often based on false beliefs and societal judgments that do not define one's true worth or happiness.

Outlines

00:00

🍷 The Perils of Labeling 'Losers'

This paragraph introduces the societal stigma associated with being labeled a 'loser.' It uses the example of a 35-year-old man who, despite having a pleasant date, is rejected for a second date because he is perceived as unsuccessful. The script questions the criteria used to define a 'loser' and challenges the modern cultural tendency to ridicule and contempt those who do not meet specific societal standards of success. It also references a previous video that discussed the Stoic philosophy on embracing the label of a 'loser' and hints at exploring the negative aspects of such labeling and how to find happiness despite it.

05:03

🤔 The Flawed Concept of 'Loser' and the Role of Luck

The second paragraph delves into the philosophical and practical aspects of the term 'loser.' It contrasts the literal meaning of the word in different languages with its derogatory connotation in English. The script discusses how societal perceptions of success and failure are often tied to external factors beyond an individual's control, such as health, wealth, and social status. It cites Scott Barry Kaufman's research on the significant role of luck in life success and the influence of factors like country of residence and birth month. The paragraph emphasizes that while personal choices do play a part in life outcomes, many circumstances are dictated by fate, challenging the notion that 'losers' are solely to blame for their situation.

10:05

😌 Embracing the Label of 'Loser' for Happiness

The final paragraph offers advice on how to be a happy 'loser' by differentiating between one's self-perception and societal judgment. It references Arthur Schopenhauer's philosophy that other people's opinions should not significantly impact our happiness. The script suggests that being seen as a 'loser' is subjective and varies across different social groups. It argues that the label of 'loser' is often based on a misconception that misfortune is always self-inflicted. The paragraph encourages individuals to define their own terms of success and happiness, rather than being swayed by societal opinions. It concludes by advocating for a mindset where one can be content, even if others perceive them as a 'loser,' by focusing on personal values and life choices.

Keywords

💡Loser

The term 'loser' is central to the video's theme, denoting a person who is perceived as unsuccessful or inferior in various societal contexts. It's defined in the script as someone who 'deserves ridicule and contempt' due to perceived failure, which is often attributed to personal fault. The script uses the term to challenge the notion that being a 'loser' is a fair or accurate way to judge someone, highlighting that external factors and luck play a significant role in life outcomes.

💡Success

Success in the video is portrayed as a societal standard that individuals are often judged against. It's a relative concept that varies depending on cultural and personal values. The script points out that not reaching the minimum standard of societal success can lead to being labeled a 'loser', indicating that success is a moving target that can be influenced by factors beyond an individual's control.

💡Dichotomy

The script refers to a 'strong dichotomy' between winners and losers, emphasizing the binary way that society often categorizes individuals. This concept is crucial as it sets the stage for the discussion on how society divides people into opposing groups based on perceived achievements or failures, which can lead to unfair judgments and stereotypes.

💡Stoic Philosophy

Stoic philosophy is mentioned in the context of accepting one's circumstances and not being overly concerned with external judgments. The script suggests that being 'seen' as a loser isn't necessarily bad from a Stoic perspective, which advocates for focusing on what is within one's control and accepting what is not.

💡Choice

Choice is presented as a powerful tool that individuals possess, allowing them to make decisions that can influence their lives. The script acknowledges that while we have the power of choice, many life events are beyond our control, which complicates the narrative that being a 'loser' is solely a result of personal decisions.

💡Luck

Luck is highlighted as a significant factor in determining life outcomes, often more so than talent or hard work. The script cites Scott Barry Kaufman's research to argue that luck plays a substantial role in success, suggesting that labeling someone a 'loser' due to their circumstances overlooks the role of chance.

💡Fate

Fate is introduced as an uncontrollable force that shapes our lives. The script uses the concept to challenge the belief that individuals are solely responsible for their situations, pointing out that external events and fate can lead to outcomes that are not the result of personal failure.

💡Opinions

Opinions are discussed in relation to how others perceive us and the impact this has on our self-esteem and happiness. The script references Arthur Schopenhauer's view that other people's opinions are unimportant to our happiness, yet acknowledges that being labeled a 'loser' can be impactful due to societal attitudes.

💡Happiness

Happiness is presented as a personal state that is not necessarily tied to societal success or the opinions of others. The script suggests that one can be a 'happy loser' by focusing on personal well-being and not being overly concerned with external judgments or labels.

💡Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is the concept of being content with who you are, regardless of external labels or judgments. The video encourages embracing self-acceptance as a means to be a 'happy loser,' by defining one's own terms of success and happiness, rather than adhering to societal expectations.

💡Toxic Dichotomy

The term 'toxic dichotomy' is used to describe the harmful division society creates between winners and losers. The script critiques this binary perspective, arguing that it leads to unfair judgments and a lack of empathy for those who are less fortunate or successful by societal standards.

Highlights

The story of a 35-year-old man using a dating app illustrates the modern use of the word 'loser'.

The term 'loser' is often used derogatorily in modern-day cultures to ridicule those perceived as failing in life.

The concept of 'loser' is subjective and can vary greatly depending on societal standards and personal beliefs.

The transcript questions the validity of labeling someone a 'loser' and the implications of such a label.

The word 'loser' has evolved beyond its literal meaning to encompass a broader social judgment.

An opinion article from Prince George Citizen discusses the derogatory use of 'loser' and its impact on self-perception.

The transcript explores how societal definitions of success and failure influence the use of the term 'loser'.

The dichotomy between winners and losers in American culture is highlighted, drawing parallels to social divisions.

Author Neal Gabler emphasizes the cultural significance of the winner-loser divide, suggesting it may surpass other societal divisions.

The transcript challenges the belief that being a 'loser' is entirely one's own fault, considering factors beyond personal control.

Stoic philosophy is introduced to discuss the limits of personal control over life outcomes.

Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman's research is cited to argue that luck plays a significant role in life success.

The transcript points out that many factors影响 one's success, such as country of residence and even the month of birth.

The concept of 'loser' is criticized as a narrow-minded judgment that fails to consider the complexity of life circumstances.

German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer's views on the insignificance of others' opinions to personal happiness are presented.

The transcript suggests that being a 'happy loser' is possible by not valuing societal labels and focusing on personal well-being.

Schopenhauer's advice on not taking others' opinions too seriously is offered as a way to cope with being labeled a 'loser'.

The importance of personal definitions of success and failure, rather than societal ones, is emphasized for a happy loser.

Transcripts

Imagine a guy without a job, no success in his life, who’s a heavy drinker and still

living with his parents at thirty-five.

He tries finding love using a dating app, and after a few weeks of swiping, he manages

to arrange a meeting with a potential mate in a restaurant.

The couple has a pleasant chit-chat until the woman he’s with asks: “So, what do

you do?”

Even though the couple had a reasonably fun night afterward, the woman declined a second

date.

When her friends asked why, she replied: “Well, he’s nice, not bad looking, but I’ve decided

to stop dating losers.”

Not that there’s anything wrong with choosing who you want to date: it’s everyone’s

right to decline if a romantic prospect doesn’t suit one’s demands.

The purpose of this example is to show one of the many ways people nowadays use the word

“loser.”

In many modern-day cultures, being a so-called “loser” means you deserve ridicule and

contempt.

After all: you’re failing in life, and that’s your fault.

So, you’re a loser.

However, when we look closer, calling someone a ‘loser’ is a pretty short-sighed way

of defining a person.

Firstly, what exactly has this person lost?

What defines failure?

And to what extent is this perceived failure someone’s fault?

And why do we need to ridicule people who don’t meet specific standards?

In short: why is being a ‘loser’ a thing?

No one wants to be a loser.

Because of today’s tendency to call people ‘losers,’ many fear becoming one.

Yet, for many, it’s unavoidable to be seen as one.

The previous video, “Be a Loser If Need Be,” explored why being “seen” as a

loser isn’t necessarily bad through the lens of Stoic philosophy.

This video explores the stupidity of calling people losers (in a derogatory fashion, at

least) and how to be a happy “loser.”

The term “loser” is a noun related to the verb “to lose,” technically meaning

someone who “loses” or “has lost.”

The Dutch word for ‘loser’ is ‘verliezer,’ which means someone who has lost.

For example, a losing team in a soccer match are “verliezers.”

The French word for ‘loser’ (which is ‘perdant’) means more or less the same

thing: a person who has lost.

But the meaning of the English word ‘loser’ goes far beyond just ‘someone who has lost.’

An opinion article on Prince George Citizen states:

When loser is used in the way it is intended to be used, it is just part of life.

You win some and you lose some.

Losing shouldn’t and doesn’t define us.

However, loser has been turned into a derogatory term.

An insult tossed out with little thought: Don’t be such a loser, you’re a real loser

or a born loser.

End quote.

People apply the word ‘loser’ to different situations.

If you haven’t reached at least the minimum standard of what society perceives as success,

you’re a loser.

If you’re addicted to substances and live on the streets, you’re a loser.

If you’re unattractive and can’t find a partner, you’re a loser.

If you’re not having sex, you’re a loser.

Some people use ‘loser’ in an even broader sense, for example, to attack political opponents

perceived as less successful or soldiers killed or injured in war.

An article on Salon named “America’s biggest divide: winners and losers” explores the

strong dichotomy between winners and losers in American culture.

I quote:

America is deeply divided between those who are considered (and consider themselves) winners

and those who (...) are considered by the winners to be losers.

End quote.

Author Neal Gabler writes that the division between winners and losers may be more significant

than other divisions based on race, religion, politics, or economics.

“Losers are cultural pariahs — the American equivalent of India’s untouchables,” Gabler

states.

Hence, we could ask: who wants to date an ‘untouchable?’

Who, in their right minds, wants to date a loser?

Unless the universe is entirely deterministic, it seems that we all possess the power of

choice.

For example, we can choose to get out of bed early and get some work done; we can choose

to exercise.

However, the idea that our lives result from our choices isn’t the entire story.

The vast majority of events in our lives are not up to us but also decide in what position

we are.

There’s a common belief that being a ‘loser’ is one’s own fault: a loser just didn’t

work hard enough.

And if you’re in the deplorable state of ‘loserdom,’ you’ve only yourself to

blame.

But, we often forget that there’s something called fate.

The ancient Stoics observed that external events are not in our control; we only control

our actions.

I quote:

We can control our attitudes, opinions, goals and desires – choices of our own.

We can’t control health, wealth, fame or power – things we can’t have by choosing

them.

End quote.

Despite one’s ability to choose (so we can conclude from Epictetus’ words), the vast

majority of choices concerning our circumstances are made for us.

It’s not that our actions never contribute to our position in life; making unwise decisions

repeatedly most likely has unpleasant consequences, but still, this varies per person.

Humanistic psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman spent his entire career studying psychological

characteristics that predict achievement and creativity.

In an article in Scientific American, he explains that the role of luck is significant when

it comes to life success: more significant than most of us believe.

Not that talent doesn’t matter, but factors like country of residence, income distribution,

name, and even month of birth, decide one’s success.

Kaufman also presents scientific data suggesting that luck and misfortune decide the trajectory

of talented and less talented individuals and that the most talented individuals were

rarely the most successful.

A series of lucky events makes not-so-talented people very successful.

A series of unlucky events makes very talented people very unsuccessful.

I quote:

(..) talent was definitely not sufficient because the most talented individuals were

rarely the most successful.

In general, mediocre-but-lucky people were much more successful than more-talented-but-unlucky

individuals.

The most successful agents tended to be those who were only slightly above average in talent

but with a lot of luck in their lives.

End quote.

We don’t decide if we’re born in a war-torn, impoverished country like Somalia or in the

Netherlands.

Neither do we choose if our parents are prosperous, civilized, and capable of raising children

well or if we’re born to parents with addictions and incapable of raising children.

We also have no say in how smart, beautiful, or handsome we are or if we have an overall

pleasant youth without traumatic events.

Nor do we control genetics in regards to illness or substance abuse.

For the most part, we’re utterly out of control.

Fortune deals the cards for us; the only thing we can do is to play with the hands we’re

dealt.

Often but not always, people’s cards are so bad that their chances of winning are slim

– winning, in this case, means winning in terms of societal expectations.

No matter what tactics they use or how much effort they put in, these people most likely

lose: they have bad luck.

But within the present-day toxic dichotomy of winners and losers, they’re the losers

and, thus, automatically deserve contempt and blame.

The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer argued that other people’s opinions are

unimportant to our happiness.

He also noticed that people deeply care about how others estimate them.

So, it’s no surprise that being called a loser can be very impactful, as it’s the

ultimate devaluation in the eyes of others.

However, the experience of being seen as a loser comes down to opinions and how we think

about those opinions.

Being a loser in itself doesn’t have to be bad at all.

We can be mentally and physically healthy and still be considered a loser.

We can have all our necessities met, yet people see us as losers.

Also, whether or not people view us as losers varies per social segment.

For example, in some communities being homeless may be the threshold of falling into the loser

category.

In other communities, being unable to fly first class may grant you the loser label.

Again, in other groups, someone who never married is considered a loser.

Thus, the whole notion of being a loser is highly subjective and doesn’t say much about

our well-being.

Schopenhauer says we shouldn’t take other people’s opinions too seriously.

A previous video (about ‘rejection’) contains a passage from Schopenhauer’s work that

also fits here.

I quote:

What goes on in other people’s consciousness is, as such, a matter of indifference to us;

and in time we get really indifferent to it, when we come to see how superficial and futile

are most people’s thoughts, how narrow their ideas, how mean their sentiments, how perverse

their opinions, and how much of error there is in most of them; when we learn by experience

with what depreciation a man will speak of his fellow, when he is not obliged to fear

him, or thinks that what he says will not come to his ears.

End quote.

How to be a happy loser?

From Schopenhauers’ view expressed in his work The Wisdom of Life, there’s a difference

between what you are and what you are in the estimation of others.

Society seeing you as a loser doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with you.

Your environment seeing you as a winner doesn’t automatically mean you’re all that great.

If you’re miserable, destructive, and people call you a loser, then you’re not a happy

loser, and, perhaps, change is recommended.

But if people call you a loser, yet, you’re happy, you’re a happy loser (which doesn’t

mean you’re a morally good person; you’re just a happy person, despite people calling

you a loser).

However, Schopenhauer observed that people generally attach great importance to how others

see them.

Hence, it’s difficult for many to be satisfied when their surroundings see them as losers,

even though, apart from other people’s opinions, they’re pretty content with who they are

and how they live.

So, in many cases, the difference between a happy and unhappy loser may simply lie in

how much we care about what other people think.

Schopenhauer believed that caring about who we are in the estimation of others is a weakness

we should limit; what’s going on in the consciousness of others shouldn’t influence

our sense of wellbeing.

If society categorizes someone as a ‘loser,’ this person may not want to take this label

too seriously.

It’s a derogatory term based on the false belief that people’s unfortunate positions

are always their fault, that they’re to blame for it and deserving of contempt.

While, in reality, we don’t control our fates, and, many if not most times, our life’s

circumstances are just luck.

This wrong assessment of reality only reinforces Schopenhauer’s attitude towards people’s

opinions and sentiments: perverse and narrow.

However, within unfortunate circumstances, we always have a choice.

Even though this sounds cliché, we can still make the best of it.

But if a person does make the best of his situation, society might still see him as

a loser.

So be it.

How people perceive each other is not up to the individual.

Should you care so much about society’s opinion, then?

Because if you don’t, people calling us losers becomes irrelevant.

What counts is your definition of good and bad, success and failure, and winning and

losing.

A happy loser doesn’t care about people calling him (or her) a loser; a happy loser

happily accepts his position as untouchable if that’s the price to pay for choosing

his own terms to live by in the face of Fortune’s whims.

Thank you for watching.