What High Performers Do That You Don't

Summary

The video script explores the psychological traits that differentiate top performers from the rest. It suggests that successful individuals often exhibit higher levels of sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, but in a controlled and positive manner. These traits manifest as the ability to restrain empathy for long-term goals, skillfully saying 'no' to protect personal growth, and using action-oriented coping mechanisms to address negative emotions. The speaker, a psychiatrist with experience across various fields, including working with CEOs and high achievers, advises viewers to assess their tendencies towards short-term compassion, their ability to set boundaries, and their methods of coping with stress to improve their success.

Takeaways

• 🧐 The top 10% of performers often exhibit traits of sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, which are typically seen as negative but can be leveraged positively for success.
• 🛡️ Successful individuals are adept at restraining empathy and avoiding being bogged down by short-term compassion, focusing instead on long-term benefits.
• 🎓 The speaker illustrates the concept with examples of individuals who made sacrifices for their family and those who chose to invest in their education for long-term gain.
• ❌ High performers are skilled at saying 'no' when necessary, discerning when to decline requests to avoid being taken advantage of and to invest in themselves.
• 🤝 Successful people tend to help new connections over repeatedly assisting the same individuals, fostering new opportunities and growth.
• 🏋️‍♂️ Action-oriented coping mechanisms are favored by high achievers, where they address negative feelings by actively changing their environment or circumstances.
• 🚫 The use of middle-tier coping mechanisms involves trading immediate suffering for long-term success, which can be described as 'toxic fuel'.
• 🧐 Neuroticism in high performers is channeled into a drive for constant improvement, which can lead to high levels of stress but also to significant achievements.
• 💡 The speaker advises the audience to reflect on whether they are victims of short-term compassion and to be more calculated in their decisions.
• 📈 To move from the bottom 75% to the top 10%, one should consider adopting the traits of successful people, such as better boundary setting and focusing on action-oriented changes.
• 🚫 Avoid emotion-focused coping mechanisms which only provide temporary relief without addressing the root cause or leading to life improvements.

Q & A

What is the main topic of discussion in the video script?

The main topic of discussion is the traits that separate the top 10% of high performers from the bottom 75%, focusing on the cognitive aspects related to narcissism, sociopathy, and neuroticism.

What is the speaker's profession and what kind of people has he worked with?

The speaker is a psychiatrist who has worked with a diverse range of individuals, including CEOs from MIT and Harvard incubators, high performers in fields like medicine and finance, degenerate gamers, homeless people, and addicts.

What is the purpose of Dr. K's guide mentioned in the script?

Dr. K's guide is a comprehensive resource designed to help individuals better understand their mind and take control of their life, distilling over 20 years of the speaker's experience as a monk and a psychiatrist.

Why do successful people often appear to have sociopathic or narcissistic traits?

Successful people often appear to have these traits because they are able to restrain their empathy and focus on long-term compassion rather than short-term compassion, which helps them avoid getting bogged down by the immediate needs of others.

Can you provide an example from the script that illustrates the concept of short-term versus long-term compassion?

The script provides an example of two individuals from similar family backgrounds. One chose short-term compassion by not going to college to support their family, leading to long-term struggles. The other chose long-term compassion by going to college and achieving success, which eventually benefited their family more significantly.

What does the speaker mean by being 'a little bit more sociopathic' in a positive way?

Being 'a little bit more sociopathic' in a positive way refers to developing the ability to restrain empathy and avoid being swayed by short-term compassion, which can lead to better long-term outcomes for oneself and others.

How does the speaker define 'narcissism' in the context of high performers?

In the context of high performers, 'narcissism' is defined as the skill of saying 'no' effectively. It's not about being self-centered in a negative way, but rather about knowing when to say no to protect one's time and resources for more beneficial opportunities.

What is the practical advice given by the speaker regarding saying 'no'?

The practical advice is to be more selective with saying 'yes' and to prioritize new opportunities over repeatedly helping the same people or situations. It's about investing in oneself and not being a constant source of support for others at the expense of personal growth.

What does the speaker suggest about the relationship between neuroticism and high performers?

The speaker suggests that high performers tend to use action-oriented coping mechanisms, which are associated with neuroticism. They fix their internal feelings by shaping their external environment, which can lead to success but also to suffering.

How does the speaker describe the concept of 'toxic fuel' in relation to high performers?

'Toxic fuel' refers to the drive that comes from negative emotions, such as dissatisfaction or shame. High performers use this to push themselves to improve their external circumstances, which can lead to success but also to a continuous cycle of suffering.

What is the speaker's advice for individuals who want to move from the bottom 75% to the top 10%?

The speaker advises to assess whether one is a victim to short-term compassion, to improve the ability to say 'no' when necessary, and to use action-oriented coping mechanisms instead of emotion-focused coping to drive personal growth and success.

Outlines

00:00

🔝 Traits of Top Performers: Sociopathy, Narcissism, and Neuroticism

The speaker, a psychiatrist, discusses the characteristics that set top 10% of performers apart from the rest. They argue that successful individuals often exhibit traits of sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, but in a controlled and beneficial manner. Sociopathy, in this context, refers to the ability to restrain empathy and avoid being overwhelmed by short-term compassion, focusing instead on long-term benefits. The speaker uses examples from their practice to illustrate how high performers make decisions that may seem cold but lead to greater success and the ability to help others more effectively in the long run.

05:00

🚫 The Art of Saying No: A Key to Success

This paragraph delves into the importance of narcissism in high performers, specifically their skill in saying no. Successful individuals are adept at discerning when to refuse requests to protect their time and resources, ensuring they can invest in themselves. The speaker advises the audience to be more calculated in their willingness to help others, suggesting that constantly saying yes can lead to being taken advantage of and hinder personal growth. The focus should be on saying yes to new opportunities and people, rather than repeatedly aiding the same individuals, to foster personal development and advancement.

10:01

💪 Action-Oriented Coping: Trading Suffering for Success

The speaker introduces the concept of neuroticism in high performers, which is characterized by an action-oriented approach to coping with negative emotions. Instead of addressing internal feelings directly, successful people modify their external environment to alleviate their distress. This might involve working harder to gain approval or changing their circumstances to feel better. While this method can lead to success, it often comes at the cost of personal suffering. The speaker warns of the potential pitfalls of this coping mechanism, such as becoming overly dependent on external validation and the risk of it spiraling out of control.

15:02

🚀 Escaping the Bottom 75%: Strategies for Climbing the Success Ladder

In the final paragraph, the speaker offers advice for those who wish to rise from the bottom 75% to the top 10%. They suggest questioning one's tendency towards short-term compassion and learning to say no more effectively to avoid being weighed down by others' needs. Additionally, the speaker recommends adopting action-oriented coping strategies to channel negative emotions into productive efforts that lead to success. They caution against emotion-focused coping, which only provides temporary relief without addressing the root cause or leading to meaningful life improvements.

Keywords

💡Sociopathy

Sociopathy in the context of the video refers to the ability to restrain empathy and not get bogged down by the immediate emotional needs of others. It is associated with a certain level of detachment that allows high performers to focus on long-term goals rather than short-term emotional responses. The speaker uses the example of psychiatrists and surgeons who score higher on the sociopathy scale, illustrating that this trait can be beneficial in achieving professional success.

💡Narcissism

Narcissism, as discussed in the video, is the tendency to have an inflated sense of self-importance and a strong need for admiration. However, the speaker highlights a positive aspect of narcissism, which is the skillful ability to say 'no' and prioritize one's own needs and goals. This selective self-focus can contribute to the success of high performers by enabling them to invest in themselves rather than being overly reliant on the validation of others.

💡Neuroticism

Neuroticism is described as a tendency to experience negative emotions and a general state of worry or anxiety. In the video, it is linked to high performers who use a middle-tier coping mechanism by shaping their external environment to fix internal feelings of dissatisfaction. This leads to a cycle of trading suffering for success, as they constantly strive to improve their circumstances to alleviate internal distress.

💡High Performers

High performers are individuals who excel in their respective fields and are part of the top 10% of performers. The video discusses how certain traits, such as sociopathy, narcissism, and neuroticism, can contribute to their success. These individuals are portrayed as being able to make tough decisions, prioritize their own growth, and manage their emotions in a way that propels them forward in their careers.

💡Short-term Compassion

Short-term compassion is the act of making immediate sacrifices to help others, often at the expense of one's own long-term goals. The video contrasts this with long-term compassion, suggesting that high performers are better at resisting the pull of short-term compassion and focusing on actions that will benefit them and others in the future.

💡Discipline

Discipline is a trait often associated with successful individuals, but the video argues that simply labeling someone as disciplined doesn't provide actionable advice. The speaker aims to go beyond surface-level traits and delve into the specific cognitive behaviors that contribute to success, such as the ability to restrain empathy and say 'no' when necessary.

💡Resource Management

Resource management, in the context of the video, refers to the ability to effectively allocate and utilize one's time, energy, and other resources. The speaker suggests that high performers are adept at managing their resources, but the video's focus is on providing deeper insights into how they achieve this, rather than just stating that they are good at it.

💡Action-Oriented Coping

Action-oriented coping is a middle-tier coping mechanism where individuals address negative emotions by actively working to change their external environment. The video describes how high performers use this approach to turn dissatisfaction into motivation for success, even though it may lead to a cycle of suffering.

💡Toxic Fuel

Toxic fuel is a term used in the video to describe the drive that comes from negative emotions, such as dissatisfaction or shame. High performers may use this 'toxic fuel' to push themselves to achieve more, even if it means enduring personal suffering or stress.

💡Cognitive Reframing

Cognitive reframing is a top-tier coping mechanism mentioned in the video, which involves changing one's perspective or interpretation of a situation to manage negative emotions. While not the main focus of the video, it is suggested as a healthier alternative to action-oriented coping for long-term emotional well-being.

Highlights

The top 10% of performers share specific cognitive traits related to narcissism, sociopathy, and neuroticism.

Successful individuals often exhibit traits of sociopathy, which in this context means the ability to restrain empathy and avoid short-term compassion.

High performers tend to prioritize long-term compassion over short-term sacrifices, leading to greater success.

Narcissism in successful people is characterized by a high proficiency in saying 'no' and focusing on self-interest.

Successful individuals are skilled at discerning when to say 'no' to avoid being taken advantage of.

High performers are more likely to assist new opportunities and people rather than repeatedly helping the same individuals.

Neuroticism in high performers is utilized as a 'toxic fuel', driving them to work harder to overcome internal dissatisfaction.

Action-oriented coping mechanisms are preferred by successful people, where they address negative feelings by altering their environment.

High performers often trade immediate suffering for long-term success, using their neuroticism to push themselves harder.

The speaker emphasizes that not being a victim to short-term compassion is crucial for moving from the bottom 75% to the top 10%.

Improving the ability to say 'no' is key to avoiding being weighed down by others' demands.

The speaker advises using action-oriented coping strategies instead of emotion-focused ones to achieve success.

Cognitive reframing is mentioned as a superior coping mechanism to be discussed in the future for further improvement.

The importance of not getting 'suckered into short-term compassion' is highlighted as a barrier to success.

The transcript concludes with a call to action for individuals to assess their tendencies toward short-term compassion, the ability to say 'no', and the use of action-oriented coping mechanisms.

Transcripts

today we're going to talk about what

separates the top 10% of performers from

the bottom

75% so I know when we look at a lot of

successful people we'll be like oh my

God like all these like successful CEOs

and stuff like these people who are in

finance they're like they're a little

bit sociopathic they're a little bit

narcissistic they're self-centered right

well actually yeah they are and that is

a huge part of their success so as a

psychiatrist I've worked with all kinds

of people so I was in Boston for about

10 years where I worked with people who

were from like the MIT and Harvard

incubators so these are startups that

have CEOs that have these very very

bright ideas and are building these

hundred million 300 million dollar

billion dollar companies I've also

worked with a lot of high performers

from the fields of medicine so people

like surgeons as well as people from

Finance like golden Sachs and stuff like

that and then I've also worked with a

lot of degenerate Gamers I've worked

with homeless people I've worked with

people from jail I've worked with people

who are addicts right so people who are

like 32 years old addicted to heroin and

have nothing to show for it hey just a

quick note a lot of people will ask us

what do I do next and that's why we

built Dr K's guide It's a comprehensive

resource that distills over 20 years of

my experience both as a monk and as a

psychiatrist and it's designed in a way

that's tailored to fit your needs so if

you're interested in better

understanding your mind and taking

control of your life check out the link

below and what I'd love to share with

you all today is what separates these

two groups of people and I'm going to do

it in a very specific way so the problem

is that most of the time when we look at

successful people we'll say things like

oh this person is disciplined or this

person is good at resource management

but the problem is that when we look at

someone who's successful we don't know

exactly how to do that right I can tell

that I suck at managing managing my

resources and I can tell that they are

good at managing their resources but I

don't know how to actually get better so

a good analogy of this is like if you

look at a gardener who has a really

great Garden you're like that person has

a green

thumb noting that that person has a

green thumb doesn't actually make you

any better at gardening when we use the

when we use these terms like discipline

or green thumb or we say wow that dancer

Is So Graceful looking at someone and

saying that they're graceful doesn't

teach you how to be graceful you don't

know what they're actually doing that

looks like Grace when they move right

there's a specific set of actions that

they take that look very impressive oh

this is a green thumb but you don't know

actually what the gardener is doing

today that's what I'm going to teach

youall I'm going to teach youall three

specific cognitive things that I see in

the majority of the high performers that

I work with and as it turns out these

actually have to do with narcissism

sociopathy and neuroticism so we tend to

think about these three things as bad

right but let's remember that sociopathy

narcissism and neuroticism are features

of the human race we all have these to

some extent when we look at something

like narcissistic personality disorder

or um antisocial personality disorder

which is what we call sociopathy these

are when these features of us are so

extreme that they start to become

problematic but y'all may have observed

that people who are quite successful are

a little bit more of an than you

are and there's a good reason for that

and we're going to actually teach you

how to be that in a good and positive

way so the first thing that we're going

to start with is sociopathy so one of

the really interesting things is if you

look at psychiatrists and surgeons we

test higher on the sociopathy scale than

the average population so let's

understand a little bit about what

sociopathy means it doesn't mean that

we're evil right so it has a lot of

features to it what sociopathy means is

that we have the ability to restrain our

empathy we don't get bogged down so when

I'm a psychiatrist and have

depressed people walking into my office

every single day and I spend eight hours

a day listening to their problems I must

put up some kind of empathic

shielding in order to not get bogged

down by this and this manifests in

people who are very successful in a very

specific way they are very good at not

getting suckered into short-term

compassion and instead leaning into

long-term compassion so I'll give you

all an example of two people in my

practice so two of them had a very

similar situation when they turned

around 17 or 18 something happened in

their family one parent basically left

the household they had two younger

siblings each it's crazy how similar

these two cases are one person leaned

into short-term compassion made the

sacrifice for their family and was like

you know what the right thing to do is

to not go to college and help raise my

two siblings because my remaining parent

can't do it all by themselves the the

only choice that I have is to do the

right thing so this person didn't go to

college got kind of stuck in a menial

labor job and then 10 years later like

even their siblings were not doing great

because now you have this culture in the

household of like not achievement but

survival and all this kind of stuff a

lot of struggles later on in the

alternate case we have someone who

decided that you know like yeah it sucks

that this is happening but what I really

need to do is like if I really want to

provide for my family I need to leave

them behind I need to go to college they

worked incredibly hard in college got an

amazing job so this person grew up

incredibly poor and then you know got an

awesome job and and is now making

literally millions of dollars a year

about 10 years later and the other super

cool thing is that this person now

serves as a positive role model for

their younger siblings so their younger

siblings are now crushing it because 6

years after they went to college they're

making

$250,000 a year which helps their family

way more than making $35,000 a year

working a IIA labor job for a couple of

years so was it hard on their family for

those few years that they were at

College absolutely but the key thing

that I see about people who are very

successful is that they do not sandbag

themselves through compassion and so

practically what I want you to do is

look at your life right so what what is

the price of short-term compassion what

are the sacrifices that you make in your

life in order to be kind and generous

and supportive to the people around you

because what I find in a lot of people

who are in the bottom half of success in

performance in an objective sense I'm

not saying that they're bad people I

don't think anyone's a bad person I mean

there are some people but not the

majority what I tend to see is some

people get suckered into short-term

compassion get guilt tripped into crap

and then end up shooting themselves in

the foot they sacrifice so much and then

a year later they don't have anything to

show for it but the people in their

lives benefit from their sacrifice so

you need to be a little bit more

sociopathic be a little bit more focused

on yourself don't sort of get suckered

into that short-term compassion the

second thing that we're going to talk

about is narcissism and this manifests

in their mind in a very specific way

it's not just be a bigger and

just care more about yourself no no no

no so what I sort of see as a feature of

narcissism is the people that I work

with that are incredibly successful are

very skilled at saying no now now pay

attention to my words skilled at saying

no doesn't mean that they say no more or

that they say no less what that means is

that their

proficiency with the concept of no is

very high so what they know is when to

say no and when not to say no so what

this looks like practically is that you

know they're able to say no to their

friends and even their boss or their

colleagues when you need a little bit of

help with this a little bit of help with

this a little bit of help with this if

you have difficulty saying no people

around you will figure that out and as

they figure that out they will lean on

you for a lot of help and support and

things like that and especially if you

have low self-esteem this can be

incredibly crippling because if you have

low self-esteem where does your

self-esteem come from it comes from

other people being so grateful that

you're helping them out and then you

kind of puff up your self-esteem because

now you've loaned this person another

$100 right because makes you a good

person makes you a good friend oh my God

like this person I'm paying their rent

makes me such a good person

and then over time what ends up

happening you're sandbagging yourself

because you're not investing in yourself

so you have to get better at saying no

and here's what I've noticed a simple

Trend right so we're going to try to

make this applicable no green thumbs

here we're going to Tunnel

down if there are opportunities which

will benefit you in the future say yes

if you are saying yes to

maintain what you have here today be

super careful about that so what I found

with my patients who are very high

performers is that they are more likely

to help someone new than help someone in

their life for the fourth or fifth time

if this person asks for my help four

times five times two or three times sure

but if they keep on asking for my help

I'm going to say no and I'm going to

give my help to someone else what this

means is very practically my boss needs

me to work an extra weekend I'm going to

say no but there's someone else at a

different company or or someone one of

my friends who's starting this project

and there's some kind of Consulting gig

I will say yes so it's not that you

shouldn't work hard at your job or

anything like that I'm not saying bosses

are evil and there are many people who

will learn how to say yes for their

bosses because their bosses invested in

them they're the nice people you're

going to learn something you're going to

grow as a result but they're really

skilled at saying no and the biggest

difference that I see is that more

successful people say yes to newer and

newer opportunities and newer and newer

people as opposed to these same people

over and over and over again right

onward and upward and be helpful all

along the way the third thing that we're

going to talk about is neuroticism so

this is where if I look at the the

people who are quite successful they use

sort of this B tier coping mechanism

technique so if you look at the

psychology or the Psychiatry of coping

mechanisms and outcomes from coping

mechanisms they're basically three tiers

of coping mechanisms you have the top

tier of coping mechanisms like cognitive

reframing you have the second tier of

coping mechanisms which are action

oriented I know it's kind of weird that

action oriented is a middle tier we'll

explain why and then at the bottom you

have something called emotion focused

coping so when I work with people who

are high performers what I notice is

that they utilize that middle tier and

I'll explain what that is so when they

are unhappy when they have some kind of

negative experience inside them the way

that they fix that experience is by

fixing the environment okay so for

example if my boss is unhappy with me

what I'm going to do is work incredibly

hard to make my boss happy with me if I

get a bad performance review I'm going

to work as hard as I need to to get a

good performance review if my boyfriend

or girlfriend is unhappy with me I'm

going to work extra hard to make them

happy if my parents are unhappy with me

I'm going to work extra hard to make

them happy so what they literally do is

they look at even we'll use a different

kind of example let's say I look at

myself in the mirror and I am ashamed of

myself the way to fix that shame is to

go to the gym this sounds very

reasonable right why is this the middle

tier what the like I want to be

able to do that we'll get to that in

second so what these people end up doing

is trading suffering for Success because

when you start to use this kind of

coping me mechanism there's no internal

contentment see this is very important

to understand this means that in order

to fix my internal feelings I need to

shape the outside environment so if my

boss doesn't like my work I need to work

extra hard now this is a little bit

tricky because what if your B boss is a

narcissistic what if your boss

is is overly demanding what if your boss

lacks compassion that means that your

boss will never be happy with you no

matter how hard you work and so what

this creates is a really interesting

situation because really pay attention

to this on the one hand it means your

boss is never happy and you're always

suffering but what it also means is that

you're working your ass off constantly

which helps you rise over time so this

is what we kind of call toxic Fuel and

if we look at people like studies on

medical students what we find is that

medical students have some of the

highest neuroticism which means

neuroticism is a tendency for internal

worry medical students have no chill and

what that does is that that have no

chill that Panic makes them study on a

Friday night in the library instead of

going out to party because everyone else

normal people are like I studied all

week now I can have fun the

medical student is like it's never

enough I could fail oh my God what if I

failed then I won't get into med school

and I won't do this and I won't do this

and I won't do this and all of my life

will fall apart so there's it's very

interesting and and this is what's kind

of weird is it's very adaptive in the

short term so when these people work

with me I try to help them get out of

that tier because as long as you are

shaping your external environment to

make you feel better that also opens you

up to other kinds of things so for

example it's very healthy to look at

yourself in the mirror and say you know

what I'm unhappy with the way that I

look let me go to the gym but some

people when they look in the mirror and

they've gone to the gym they're still

not happy with the way that they look so

they need to do something more oh let me

get some fillers let me get a little

chin tuck let me get some Botox let me

get a little bit of plastic surgery let

me get some lip filler right because

that feeling no matter how much you try

to fix it on the other on the outside no

matter how much I try to make my

girlfriend love me more make my boss

happier with who I am make myself

confident with who I am in the Mirror by

shaping my body that can get out of

control very very quickly so while it

results in success it costs

suffering at the end of the day though

this is what I see in the top 10% of

people that I work with they are a

little bit more sociopathic they are a

little bit more narcissistic and they

are a little bit more

neurotic and if you're someone who's in

that bottom 50% or you're not happy with

what you're doing in your life I would

encourage you to do these three things

ask yourself am I a victim to shortterm

compassion do I actually sabotage not

only my own life but the capacity to

help help other

people by sort of sacrificing in the

present day and if the answer to that

question is yes you need to cut back on

that right really be a little bit more

calculated and speaking of being

calculated be a little bit better at

saying no when is the right time to say

no and when is the the wrong time to say

no if I say yes to this person will I

need to say yes tomorrow will I need to

say yes the day after that and the week

after that because if so this person is

going to be a sandbag for you it's not

that I'm saying don't help those kinds

of people but just recognize what that

will do to your life it'll move you out

of the top 10% to the 20% 30% 40% and

the more of those people you have in

your life the more you're going to sink

and the last thing is if you want to

start to use some of that toxic fuel

right so if you have some negative

emotions and this is something I should

have kept in mind so the bottom 50% of

people use something called emotion

focused coping and so what that means is

when I feel bad in here I'm just going

to fix the emotion I'm not going to do

anything in my outside life what I'm

going to do is numb it usually video

games substances things like that or

even things like venting so what I'm

going to do is I'm going to go to my

friends and I'm going to about my

problems and I'm going to feel better

but my life will actually not be better

tomorrow so don't use emotion focused

coping it's better to use

action-oriented coping and then one day

we'll talk about cognitive reframing

which is a topic for a different day

because what we're focus on right now is

how you get your ass from the bottom 75

to the top

10

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