Relationship in “Hard Mode” – Why We Had To Rethink Our Strategies

Summary

This video features a couple discussing their relationship challenges and coping strategies, especially after the birth of their baby. They share how neurodivergent traits like ADHD, autism, and PTSD impacted their relationship, routines, and mental health. Both emphasize the importance of self-care, communication, and equitable division of labor. They introduce tools like the Paired app to maintain connection and routines, stressing the need for flexibility during life transitions. Despite the struggles, they affirm the joy of parenting and express their desire to have more children, offering practical advice to others in similar situations.

Takeaways

• 😀 The couple uses an app called Paired to improve communication and stay connected in their relationship, which is crucial in neurodivergent relationships.
• 💍 The video features the speaker's fiancé, who is also a psychologist and co-parent. They discuss the challenges of balancing their mental health while adjusting to life changes.
• 👶 Becoming new parents has presented unique challenges, including managing ADHD, anxiety, postpartum depression, and PTSD, which intensified with the arrival of their baby.
• ⏳ Major life transitions like having a baby disrupted their established routines, amplifying their existing mental health struggles and executive function challenges.
• 🧰 The couple had to rebuild their coping strategies and routines to adapt to new pressures, with the baby introducing an unpredictable dynamic into their lives.
• 👩‍⚕️ The speaker entered a partial hospitalization program to address postpartum depression, which provided essential mental health tools such as CBT, DBT, and the Circle of Security parenting approach.
• 💪 Open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and equitable division of labor have been key strategies in maintaining their relationship and mental well-being.
• 🛠 They use a system called the Fair Play Deck to mindfully divide household responsibilities based on strengths and preferences, ensuring a balanced workload.
• ❤️ Routine and rituals, like weekly dinners and using the Paired app, help the couple reconnect and maintain their relationship despite the demands of parenthood.
• 👶 Despite the challenges, they feel that having a baby has been worth it and affirm they would do it again, emphasizing the joy and fulfillment it has brought to their lives.

Q & A

What is the Paired app and how does it help the couple in their relationship?

The Paired app is a tool used by the couple to stay connected and understand each other better, especially in a neurodivergent relationship. It helps them by providing daily questions, quizzes, and reminders that foster communication and focus on their relationship amidst the challenges of being new parents.

Why does the couple describe their relationship as being on 'hard mode'?

The couple describes their relationship as being on 'hard mode' due to the combination of neurodivergent challenges (such as ADHD, autism, PTSD, anxiety, and postpartum depression) and major life transitions like having a baby and job changes. These factors amplify the existing difficulties in their lives.

What challenges did the couple face after having a baby?

After having a baby, the couple's routines were disrupted, exacerbating their neurodivergent challenges. They struggled with time management, self-care, sleep deprivation, and emotional regulation. These difficulties affected both their personal wellbeing and their relationship.

How did the baby impact their established coping strategies?

The baby made many of their established coping strategies obsolete. Their time and energy were now focused on caring for the baby, and they had to quickly adapt by creating new strategies, as their existing ones were too time-consuming or no longer practical in their new situation.

What was the significance of self-care for the couple, and how did it change after having a baby?

Self-care was essential for the couple's mental health, but after the baby arrived, they found it extremely difficult to maintain. The mother experienced extreme hyperfocus on keeping the baby alive, neglecting her own needs like taking medications, which led to physical and emotional strain.

How did the couple's neurodivergent traits affect their experience with a newborn?

The couple's neurodivergent traits, such as difficulties with routines, emotional regulation, and executive function, were magnified with the unpredictability of caring for a newborn. The lack of routine and sleep disrupted their ability to manage their ADHD, autism, and PTSD, leading to heightened stress and struggles.

What strategies did the couple use to manage the new challenges in their relationship?

The couple used several strategies, including being honest about their struggles, setting firm boundaries, creating an equitable division of labor using the Fair Play system, and maintaining routines and rituals like weekly dinners together. They also used the Paired app to stay connected emotionally.

What role did boundary-setting play in their adjustment period?

Boundary-setting was crucial in managing their time, energy, and emotional capacity. The couple had to clearly communicate their limits and set boundaries with others to prioritize their wellbeing and their child’s needs. This helped them avoid burnout and better manage the demands of new parenthood.

How did postpartum depression affect the mother, and what actions were taken to address it?

The mother experienced postpartum depression, which hit her hard and quickly. She entered a partial hospitalization program to receive intensive therapy and support, which helped her learn coping mechanisms such as CBT, DBT, and the Circle of Security parenting model. This treatment was essential for her recovery.

What is the Fair Play system, and how did it benefit the couple's division of labor?

The Fair Play system is a method where household tasks are divided between partners using a deck of cards, each representing a responsibility. The couple found it helpful in creating an equitable, not necessarily equal, division of labor based on their strengths and preferences. This system ensured that both partners felt their workloads were fair and manageable.