Mediation and mindfully getting in the middle: Brad Heckman at TEDxTeachersCollege

Summary

The speaker humorously explores the challenges of mindfulness and mediation, admitting to having an 'unquiet mind' despite being in a profession focused on resolving conflicts. Using anecdotes, including references to F. Scott Fitzgerald, Jimmy Carter, and Colombo, the speaker highlights key mediation principles such as staying non-judgmental, embracing open-ended questions, and the power of silence. Through quirky metaphors and visual examples, the speaker encourages mediators to avoid assumptions, reflect, and be open to learning from others, even in silence or during conflicts.

Takeaways

• 🧘 The speaker admits to having a restless mind, making mindfulness challenging, yet they work in the field of mediation which requires being present and non-judgmental.
• 🐒 The concept of 'monkey mind' is used to describe an unquiet mind, symbolizing the chaotic and restless nature of thoughts.
• 🤔 The ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind, as mentioned by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is central to the practice of mediation.
• 🎭 The speaker uses visual aids and storytelling to convey complex ideas, highlighting their preference for visual thinking over verbal communication.
• 🔍 The importance of not making assumptions in mediation is emphasized, illustrated by a story about two women disputing over furniture, which was actually a cover for a deeper relationship issue.
• 🕵️‍♂️ The speaker suggests adopting a 'Colombo' approach in mediation, playing dumb to uncover the true nature of conflicts.
• 🌐 A Cold War anecdote illustrates the importance of clear communication and feedback loops in understanding and resolving conflicts.
• 🗣️ Reflection is a powerful tool in mediation; repeating back what is heard can help ensure understanding and show that the speaker is being heard.
• 😃 The speaker encourages mediators to use a neutral facial expression, like a 'cow face,' to maintain an open and non-judgmental demeanor.
• 🎷 Miles Davis's philosophy on the importance of the spaces between notes in music is applied to mediation, suggesting that silence can be a valuable tool.
• 🚗 The 'DeLorean' from 'Back to the Future' serves as a metaphor for 'time travel' in mediation, encouraging looking at the past to understand and resolve current disputes.

Q & A

What is the main challenge the speaker faces with mindfulness?

The speaker's main challenge with mindfulness is having an incredibly unquiet mind, often referred to as 'monkey mind,' where thoughts are constantly jumping around, making it difficult to focus and be present.

What is the difference between mediation and meditation as mentioned in the script?

Mediation is a profession that involves helping people move forward in problem-solving without making judgments or decisions, while meditation is a practice of training the mind to achieve a state of calmness and focus.

What does the speaker suggest as a core principle for effective mediation?

The speaker suggests that the core principle for effective mediation is the ability to hold two differing truths at the same time, which is a concept related to F. Scott Fitzgerald's idea of first-rate intelligence.

What is the speaker's favorite mantra for mediation?

The speaker's favorite mantra for mediation is 'it's not about you,' which helps to relieve the pressure of having to be the problem solver and allows the mediator to stay neutral and focused on the parties involved.

How did former President Jimmy Carter approach mediating the Camp David Accords?

Former President Jimmy Carter approached mediating the Camp David Accords by learning extensively about the participants, including their psychology, family history, culture, and even their sleeping patterns, to better understand and negotiate with them.

What role does the character Columbo play in the speaker's approach to mediation?

The character Columbo, a TV detective known for playing dumb to get information, is used by the speaker as an example of how to approach mediation by asking open-ended questions and not making assumptions about the parties in conflict.

Why does the speaker recommend using a feedback loop in communication?

The speaker recommends using a feedback loop in communication to ensure that the message conveyed is accurately understood, as demonstrated by the Cold War anecdote where a mistranslation could have led to a misunderstanding between JFK and Khrushchev.

What is the significance of the Velvet Underground's song 'I'll Be Your Mirror' in the context of the script?

The song 'I'll Be Your Mirror' by the Velvet Underground is used to illustrate the importance of reflection in communication, where reflecting back what someone has said can help them feel heard and understood.

How does the speaker suggest handling silence during mediation?

The speaker suggests letting silence be a friend during mediation, as it can provide an opportunity for reflection and can often lead to one of the parties filling the space with meaningful dialogue.

What advice does the speaker give for dealing with conflict when mediating?

The speaker advises mediators to play dumb, reflect, time travel by asking about past interactions, and let silence work in their favor, all of which can help in resolving disputes effectively.

How can the principles of mediation be applied by individuals in disputes, according to the speaker?

The speaker suggests that individuals in disputes can apply the principles of mediation, such as playing dumb, reflecting, and time traveling, to improve their communication and potentially resolve conflicts more effectively.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 The Challenge of Mindfulness in Mediation

The speaker begins by humorously admitting to having an 'unquiet mind,' despite being a professional mediator. They liken their thoughts to a 'monkey mind,' constantly jumping from one idea to another. The speaker acknowledges the irony of their profession, which involves helping others to solve problems without judgment, while struggling with the concept of mindfulness, or being fully present. They also reveal a preference for visual thinking over verbal communication, which leads them to use drawings to illustrate their points. The speaker introduces the idea of holding opposing ideas in the mind, quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald, and suggests that this ability is crucial for mediation. They also share a personal mantra for mediation: 'It's not about you,' which helps them to relieve the pressure of having to solve others' problems.

05:02

🕵️‍♂️ Embracing 'Dumbness' in Conflict Resolution

The speaker advocates for the approach of 'playing dumb' in mediation, drawing a parallel to the TV detective Columbo, who used seemingly naive questions to solve cases. They argue that by not making assumptions, mediators can uncover the true nature of disputes, as illustrated by a story of two women in a housing dispute. The speaker also recounts a Cold War anecdote involving a miscommunication between JFK and Nikita Khrushchev, highlighting the importance of feedback loops in understanding intentions. They emphasize the value of reflection in communication, suggesting that repeating back what is heard can prevent misunderstandings and show that the speaker is listening. The speaker also touches on the importance of non-verbal communication, suggesting that a neutral facial expression can be beneficial in mediation.

10:04

🕰️ Time Travel and Silence in Conflict Resolution

The speaker discusses the use of silence as a tool in conflict resolution, suggesting that mediators should allow for pauses and not feel compelled to fill every silence. They argue that this can give parties in conflict a chance to reflect and potentially resolve issues on their own. The speaker also introduces the concept of 'time travel' in mediation, encouraging parties to recall better times in their relationship to find a path towards resolution. They emphasize the importance of understanding the full context of a person's life, rather than judging them based on a single moment of conflict. The speaker concludes by suggesting that the techniques used by mediators can also be applied by individuals in disputes, encouraging a proactive approach to resolving conflicts.

Keywords

💡Mindfulness

Mindfulness refers to the practice of maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. In the context of the video, the speaker confesses to having a restless mind, which makes mindfulness challenging. The concept is integral to the theme as it contrasts with the speaker's profession in mediation, highlighting the struggle to be present amidst chaotic thoughts.

💡Monkey Mind

The term 'monkey mind' is used to describe a mind that is restless, cannot concentrate, and keeps jumping from one thought to another. The speaker uses this metaphor to describe their own mind, which is filled with chaotic thoughts, akin to a monkey swinging from branch to branch. This concept is central to understanding the speaker's personal challenge with mindfulness.

💡Mediation

Mediation is a process where a neutral third party, the mediator, assists two or more parties in resolving a dispute. The speaker's profession is in mediation, which is often confused with meditation. In the video, the speaker discusses the role of a mediator, emphasizing the importance of not making judgments or decisions but rather facilitating problem-solving.

💡Paradox

A paradox is a statement or situation that seems contradictory or opposed to common sense but in reality expresses a possible truth. The speaker uses the concept of paradox to illustrate the core of mediation, which involves holding two differing truths at the same time. This concept is used to convey the complexity and depth of resolving conflicts.

💡It's not about you

This phrase is mentioned as a mantra in mediation. It signifies the importance of removing personal biases and pressures when helping others resolve disputes. The speaker uses this mantra to emphasize the relief that comes from not having to be the sole problem solver, which is a key message in the video.

💡Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter, the former U.S. President, is mentioned as an example of effective mediation. His approach to the Camp David Accords involved understanding the participants deeply, which the speaker suggests is a model for effective conflict resolution. Carter's example illustrates the importance of knowledge and understanding in mediation.

💡Colombo

Colombo, a TV detective played by Peter Falk, is referenced as a symbol of appearing less knowledgeable than one actually is to gain an advantage. The speaker suggests 'playing Colombo' in mediation to avoid assumptions and ask open-ended questions, which can lead to uncovering deeper truths about the conflict, as illustrated in the story of the two women disputing over furniture.

💡Reflection

In the context of the video, reflection refers to the technique of repeating back what someone has said to ensure understanding and to show that they have been heard. The speaker explains that reflecting on someone's words can help de-escalate conflicts and is a powerful tool in interpersonal relationships.

💡Flux Capacitor

The flux capacitor is a fictional device in the movie 'Back to the Future' that makes time travel possible. The speaker uses the Delorean and flux capacitor as a metaphor for 'time traveling' in mediation, encouraging mediators to explore the past to understand the roots of a dispute and potentially find a resolution.

💡Dance Zombie Dance

This phrase is used metaphorically to suggest that in a conflict, it only takes one person to change their approach to improve the dynamic. The speaker uses the idea of dancing well to inspire individuals to take proactive steps in resolving disputes, even if they are not the mediator.

Highlights

The speaker admits to having an unquiet mind, making mindfulness challenging, despite working in the field of mediation.

Mindfulness is described as the practice of being present without judgment, which contrasts with the speaker's internal 'monkey mind'.

The concept of 'monkey mind' is used to illustrate the restless and unpredictable nature of thoughts.

The speaker uses visual thinking and drawings to convey ideas, given their preference for pictures over words.

F. Scott Fitzgerald's quote about holding opposing ideas is introduced as central to the mediation process.

The speaker confesses to struggling with mindfulness but uses paradoxes to approach mediation.

A mantra for mediation is shared: 'It's not about you', which helps in removing the pressure to solve problems.

Former President Jimmy Carter's advice on mediation is highlighted, emphasizing the importance of understanding participants.

The speaker suggests 'playing dumb' as a strategy in mediation, inspired by the TV detective Columbo.

A case study is presented where open-ended questions revealed the true nature of a dispute, beyond material possessions.

The importance of reflection in communication is discussed, using the Cold War hotline story as an analogy.

The speaker recommends reflecting back what is heard to ensure understanding and to show that the speaker is being heard.

The idea that expressions and non-verbal cues can impact conflict resolution is introduced.

The speaker encourages embracing silence during conflict resolution, suggesting it can lead to reflection and new insights.

The concept of 'time travel' in mediation is introduced, asking participants to reflect on better times to find resolution.

The speaker concludes by suggesting that the techniques used by mediators can also be applied by individuals in disputes.

A final thought is offered on the power of one person to influence a conflict positively, even if they are not the mediator.

Transcripts

so i have uh two confessions to make

um one is though this is a uh

a tedx on mindfulness i have an

incredibly unquiet mind

um

if you're familiar with the concept of

the monkey mind you know

where your thoughts careen uh about your

head as if from tree to tree um i got

the planet of the apes all up in here a

simian dystopia making mischief in my

head constantly

so mindfulness does not come easy for me

and i'm in a profession called mediation

which though it is one letter away from

meditation uh finds itself very often at

odds with this idea of being here now

when we try to help people move forward

in in their problem solvings without

making judgments or decisions

my second confession

is that i don't know many words but i'm

a visual thinker so i'm better with

pictures so i made some some drawings to

share with you

hopefully

hopefully you can see them from the back

if not this is a good time to take out

your opera glasses or squint um

okay

um this is uh f scott fitzgerald who who

once said that the sign of a first-rate

intelligence is the ability to hold two

opposed ideas in the head and maintain

the ability to function

and then i think hemingway punched him

in the mouth

this is very much the core of mediation

so the idea of holding two differing

truths at the same time um so so when i

struggle with mindfulness and mediation

i think of f scott fitzgerald playing

with a paradox

get a paradox

you know

i

we got we got 12 more minutes folks it

gets a little worse

so

my favorite mantra of of mediation and

again briefly mediation is is when you

find yourself in the middle of a dispute

trying to help people solve problems but

are not making decisions or not making

jobs judgments and not making

assumptions

the easiest way for me to remain mindful

is to think of this it's not about you

you female sheep

okay

wait

when we absolve ourselves from the

pressure of having to be the one who

comes up with the answers who comes up

with the decisions um who has a

meaningful opinion to insert into other

people's lives a tremendous relief comes

upon us right so when you find yourself

helping people resolve

their disputes the more we take off that

pressure of ourselves having to be the

problem solver uh the better

by the way i recently had a chance to

hear former president jimmy carter talk

about the camp david accords

and someone asked him well well what

what is your number one piece of advice

uh in mediating a conflict like this

between sadat and begin

and he said that well he he learned

everything he could about the

participants he learned their psychology

their family history their culture a

little bit of their languages he even

learned when they slept so that while

one was sleeping he could be negotiating

with the other one

all right

um

i've no jimmy carter and uh and nor do i

have the first rate intelligence that

epscot fitzgerald spoke of

so i have kind of a different um

icon that i turn to in mediation uh does

anyone recognize this guy

it's colombo yeah played by peter falk

dated reference he was a tv detective in

the 1970s

who always got the criminal by really

playing dumb

he was you know he was a a detective in

sunny los angeles and for some reason

always wore a raincoat

and always asked these seemingly

innocuous questions the criminals

thought they were off the hook and then

at the very end he would say something

like oh just one more thing

and then he would totally nail them

all right

so he played them in order to be

manipulative to catch the crooks but i

would pause it to you that when you're

resolving this

disputes

dare to be dumb

all right

we don't know what we think we know

about parties in conflict

very briefly one of the first cases i

ever saw in mediation

were two women who identified as cousins

living in poverty in low-income projects

in the south bronx

and one of them was moving out and they

were having an argument over how to

divide up the furniture

now the mediator very well could have

said well i've seen this case a thousand

times before let's negotiate who gets

the sofa and who gets the chair and the

ottoman and so on and so forth

rather he asked very open-ended

questions about who are you what's your

relationship

turned out that they were a same-sex

couple

living in a time and a place where it

would be very very difficult to admit

that and underneath it all the dispute

had nothing to do whatsoever with

furniture it was all about the

relationship so rather than making

assumptions about who these folks were

he he uh he played colombo and it really

worked heal their relationship

um

okay i'm going to tell you a quick uh

story from the cold war

this is uh nikita khrushchev

um soviet premier during the height of

the cold war when uh when jfk was was

president here

so he called jfk um on the special

hotline that went right from the kremlin

to the white house

and he said mr president uh i want the

peace

i i made him italian for some reason

i'm not good with accents so uh

so

as protocol dictated this went through a

very sophisticated translation system in

which um a russian and an american

interpreter worked together to make sure

that they got the exact meaning right

before they transmitted it to kennedy

and

kennedy listens to this and he's

horrified

even though he's smiling here he was

horrified because in russian they used

the same word mir

for peace as they do the world so this

was translated to kennedy as i want the

world

okay

what was lacking here and what they

ultimately did was use a feedback loop

so very simply they repeated back

through those translators back to

khrushchev did you really mean to say i

want the world meaning this sphere this

planet this orb no no i want peace you

know the ones with the peace signs and

the doves and all that stuff

right so this technique

uh as useful as it was in preventing

thermonuclear war is equally useful in

our interpersonal relationships and it's

something that we just say that we call

reflection so reflect when you hear

someone say something angrily or

provocatively

the best thing to do is not to react but

to simply repeat it back to them

let me make sure i understand what you

said you're really upset because the

apartment's a mess

okay

many people in conflict not only want a

solution or a resolution they want to be

heard

one of the best things you could do is

reflect back what people said

um

oh

i'm a fan of the velvet underground they

have a song called i'll be your mirror

that's the uh the oral

uh

thing that pops up into my head when i

think of reflection

be the cow

by the way i posted this drawing on on

on twitter and someone told me it looked

like hitler

um it's just he just has a black muzzle

so so i want to go on the record and say

there's nothing about hitler that you

want to emulate in resolving conflicts

so many people who who mediate one of

the challenges they have when trying to

resolve disputes is the expression that

they use and the non-verbals that they

use they often seem just so serious and

so intent because they don't want to

look like they're siding with one party

or another party and they're so engaged

in it

there's a neurological idea that

suggests that we don't only smile

because we're happy we're we're happy

because we smile

so in other words the countenance that

you create the expression on your face

could very much impact the way you

mediate and resolve conflicts

i mentioned before sometimes we have to

play dumb if you

invoke this idea for me

of a cow face

this kind of look of bovine curiosity

and vapidity

there's a chance that you're not only

going to play dumb but you really are

going to be dumb in a good way

that will open you up to a lot more

creative ideas with your clients

anyone know who this is

it's miles davis in canada they call him

kilometers davis

so

miles davis has reported to have said

something to the effect of it's not just

about the notes in the music it's about

the space in between the

notes right

one of the hardest things that we

grapple with in conflict resolution is

what do we do when there's absolute

silence we feel this great temptation to

jump in and do something or say

something and i come from a family in

which half of my family for them normal

conversation is interrupting each other

they're from eastern europe uh other

half of my family are pennsylvania dutch

which means that there's like a

30-second space between sentences that's

like a rapid fire banter for those guys

right

so many of us struggle with this idea of

silence what i suggest is let silence in

conflict resolution be your friend

so if you're working with parties who

are in conflicts and you're at an

impasse um one of the best ways to stay

in the moment is simply do nothing

someone will fill the space and it

needn't be you can often be a great time

for people to reflect on what they've

been thinking

this is the delorean which is

from the movie back to the future in

which it serves as a time machine

fueled by the flux capacitor

so

so one of the things that's often at

odds with being here now in mediation is

that we see

when people are in conflict a slice of

their lives when they're

often not at their best they're highly

emotionally aroused they're angry

they're hurt

i think of myself when i have to call

the cable company after my tv goes out

in the middle of the walking dead and

i call the cable company i'm put on hold

and i would be horrified to think that

that if they analyzed my whole life

based on that slice

that i would be seen as a very different

person than the guy who runs the new

york peace institute

okay

so sometimes

to be here now it means be somewhere

else at some other time

when we mediate disputes one of the most

effective things that we can do

is ask people

tell me more about what things were like

before this actual dispute happens what

did it used to be like

so we encourage people to time travel a

little bit beyond where they are in that

particular moment to see if maybe there

was a time and a place where they're

able to work things out or communicate

in a different way

so time travel

um

now

most of the things i've been talking

about are things that we do as mediators

who find ourselves in the middle of

resolving disputes listening to both

sides

however much of what i said can also be

useful if you're not the one who is

mediating the conflict

there is the

idea that

if you have two people who are dancing

it only takes one partner to dance well

that the other will follow and will

automatically be a better dancer

i don't know that i believe that because

many people have tried to teach me how

to dance and it hasn't quite worked with

me but i still like the metaphor so

dance zombie dance

um

i figure if michael jackson was able to

get all of these reanimated corpses to

dance beautifully in the thriller video

and those guys have no sense of rhythm

uh then this is possible so all these

things that we're talking about playing

dumb

reflecting traveling in time a little

bit these are things that we can do as

individuals when we find ourselves in

the middle of disputes

if i had the dancing skills i would

moonwalk off the stage although it's

kind of hard on this this lovely shag

carpet so

[Applause]