The Surprising Evolution Of Modern Women's Preferences In Men - Eric Weinstein

Summary

The transcript explores the dynamics of heterosexual attraction and the evolving expectations of masculinity in modern society. It discusses the impact of feminism on the portrayal of men in media, the disconnect between women's stated and revealed preferences, and the challenges faced by women in balancing career and personal life. The conversation delves into the complexities of gender roles, the importance of ambition, and the societal pushback against elitism and high achievers. It also touches on the concept of hypergamy and how it influences relationship satisfaction and choices.

Takeaways

• 📚 The discussion explores the changing dynamics of heterosexual women's preferences for masculinity, noting a shift from traditional dominance to a softer, more feminized ideal.
• 📈 There's a noted decrease in the market for traditional masculinity since the 1960s, with modern portrayals in media reflecting this change.
• 🎭 The conversation delves into the interplay between stated and revealed preferences, suggesting that what women say they want may differ from their actual choices.
• 💭 It's highlighted that sexual fantasies and long-term relationship choices can diverge, with the former often driven by more primal desires.
• 🚹 The script addresses the impact of women's increased presence and success in the workforce, which complicates traditional gender roles and expectations.
• 💼 The discussion points out the tension between ambition and work-life balance, especially in the context of gender dynamics and societal expectations.
• 📉 A correlation is mentioned where increased gender equality and pay parity are linked to decreased relationship satisfaction for both men and women.
• 💔 The script discusses challenges faced by women in finding partners who meet their criteria for admiration and respect, especially as they become more successful.
• 🚫 The conversation criticizes the suppression of ambition in young men, suggesting that societal pressures are dampening their drive and potential.
• 🏆 The importance of recognizing and supporting elite talent is emphasized, arguing that society should not stifle those with exceptional abilities and ambitions.

Q & A

What is the main topic of discussion in the script?

The main topic of discussion in the script revolves around the dynamics of masculinity and femininity, the changing preferences of heterosexual women in relation to men, and the impact of societal and feminist movements on these preferences.

What is the connection between the popularity of '50 Shades of Grey' and the dark romance novels that followed?

The success of '50 Shades of Grey' led to a proliferation of dark romance novels, which were characterized by dominant and masculine male characters. However, there was a pushback from the feminist movement, leading to a shift towards softer, more feminized male characters in the genre.

What is the difference between stated and revealed preferences mentioned in the script?

Stated preferences refer to what people say they want or prefer, while revealed preferences are what people actually choose or do. The script suggests that there is a difference between what women say they want in a partner and what they actually choose, especially in the context of romance novels and real-life relationships.

How does the script relate sexual fantasies to long-term relationship choices?

The script suggests that what one sexually fantasizes about is not necessarily what one wants in a long-term partner. It implies that people might be attracted to certain traits for short-term encounters that differ from the qualities they seek in a long-term, committed relationship.

What is the 'Fame seesaw' concept mentioned in the script?

The 'Fame seesaw' is a concept that describes how people's attitudes towards others change as they rise or fall in status. When someone is on the way up, people support them because they represent hope and dreams. However, when someone is at the top, others may tear them down because they represent what the onlookers gave up on.

Why does the script mention that women's preferences for men can be unstable?

The script suggests that women's preferences for men can be unstable because women have multiple possible life paths and are unsure which one they will follow. This uncertainty can lead to fluctuating desires in terms of romantic and sexual partners.

What is the 'toll go problem' mentioned in the script?

The 'toll go problem' refers to the difficulty of finding a partner when one is at the top of their own status hierarchy. It implies that as women rise in status, the pool of potential partners who are considered 'across and above' them diminishes, leading to a challenge in finding suitable mates.

How does the script discuss the impact of gender equality on relationship satisfaction?

The script posits that as gender inequality and pay inequality decrease, relationship satisfaction for both men and women also decreases. It suggests that men in relationships where the woman is the primary breadwinner are more likely to use erectile dysfunction medication, and marriages where women contribute more than 70% of household income are more likely to end in divorce.

What does the script say about the changing expectations of women in the workforce?

The script discusses how women's expectations and desires in a partner are influenced by their increasing presence and success in the workforce. It suggests that women may be attracted to men who are ambitious and capable, especially if they themselves are career-oriented and seeking a work-life balance.

Why does the script argue that ambition is necessary for certain individuals?

The script argues that ambition is necessary for certain individuals because it drives them to achieve great things and contributes to their sense of purpose and fulfillment. It suggests that some people are naturally inclined towards high levels of ambition and that this drive should be nurtured rather than suppressed.

Outlines

00:00

📚 Evolving Perceptions of Masculinity and Femininity

The first paragraph delves into the complex dynamics of gender roles and societal expectations. It discusses how women's responses to traditional masculinity have evolved, particularly in the context of modern feminism. The conversation highlights the shift from the dominant, masculine ideals of the past to a preference for softer, more feminized male figures in media and literature. The paragraph also touches on the difference between sexual fantasies and long-term relationship preferences, suggesting that what is desired for short-term encounters may not align with long-term partnership choices. Additionally, it introduces the concept of 'memes' and 'acronym' as tools for simplifying and spreading complex ideas.

05:01

💼 The Impact of Gender Equality on Relationship Satisfaction

The second paragraph explores the correlation between gender equality, particularly in the workplace, and relationship satisfaction. It presents data suggesting that as pay equality increases, relationship satisfaction decreases, with men in relationships where women are the primary earners being more likely to use erectile dysfunction medication. The discussion also covers the challenges faced by women who are smarter and more capable than their male counterparts in the workplace, and how this affects their choices in romantic partners. The concept of 'hypergamy' is introduced, where women have a vestigial attraction to men who are superior in status, which creates a dilemma as women rise in their own dominance hierarchies. The paragraph concludes with a critique of the current advice given to ambitious young men, suggesting it is detrimental to their potential and the societal benefits of their ambitions.

10:01

🚀 The Role of Ambition and Elites in Society

The third paragraph focuses on the importance of ambition and the role of elites in driving progress. It contrasts the negative perception of hard work and dedication, as seen in the reactions to Elon Musk's management of Twitter, with the need for individuals to pursue their passions and solve significant problems. The discussion emphasizes the need for society to support and encourage ambitious individuals, rather than stifling them with enforced helplessness. It also touches on the concept of elitism, arguing that while it is unfair to idolize the non-elite, society should recognize and allow elite individuals to excel in their fields. The paragraph concludes with a call for the removal of barriers that prevent high achievers from contributing to society and a plug for a product, Element, which is positioned as a healthy alternative to sugary electrolyte drinks.

Keywords

💡Classical Masculinity

Classical masculinity refers to traditional male characteristics, often associated with strength, dominance, and assertiveness. In the video, the discussion suggests that while women may respond to these traits, modern societal norms may discourage overt expression of such characteristics. The script references a shift in the portrayal of men in media, particularly in romance novels, moving away from the 'bearded, big-chested' archetype towards a softer, more feminized version, reflecting changing preferences.

💡Femininity

Femininity, as discussed in the video, pertains to the qualities, appearance, and behaviors typically associated with women. It is contrasted with classical masculinity, with the script noting a societal push for a more balanced, less dominant portrayal of men. The video suggests that modern rules of femininity may influence how women respond to different expressions of masculinity.

💡Intersexual Dynamics

Intersexual dynamics refer to the interactions and relationships between individuals of different sexes. The video explores how these dynamics have evolved, particularly in the context of romance and relationships. It mentions the influence of evolutionary psychology and how societal changes have affected what women find attractive or desirable in a partner.

💡Revealed Preferences

Revealed preferences are the actual choices people make, as opposed to what they say they prefer. The video discusses the gap between what women claim to want in a partner and what they actually choose, suggesting that women's preferences for certain masculine traits may not align with their stated preferences.

💡Hypergamy

Hypergamy is the social science term for the act of marrying or forming a relationship with someone of higher social status. The video touches on this concept, suggesting that women have an ingrained attraction to men who are 'across and above' them in terms of status, even as societal norms evolve to discourage such traditional hierarchies.

💡Gender Inequality

Gender inequality refers to the unequal treatment or perceptions of individuals based on their gender. The script discusses a correlation between gender inequality and relationship satisfaction, suggesting that as pay equality increases, relationship satisfaction may decrease. This highlights the complex interplay between economic factors and romantic relationships.

💡Egalitarianism

Egalitarianism is the belief in or advocacy of equal rights and opportunities for all. The video discusses how the push for egalitarianism in relationships and society at large may be affecting the dynamics between men and women, including how they choose partners and how they perceive traditional gender roles.

💡Ambition

Ambition, as mentioned in the video, refers to a strong desire to achieve something, often requiring determination and hard work. The discussion points out that ambition is seen as a necessary trait for success, but it also raises questions about how societal expectations and messages may be dampening ambition, particularly among young men.

💡Elitism

Elitism is the attitude that the elite, or those considered the best in a particular field, are superior and deserve special consideration. The video discusses the tension between recognizing and valuing elite talent and the societal push towards equality, suggesting that there may be a need to balance the recognition of exceptional individuals with broader social goals.

💡Work-Life Balance

Work-life balance refers to the equilibrium between an individual's work and personal life. The script touches on how the pursuit of work-life balance can influence relationship dynamics, particularly when one partner is more career-focused than the other. It suggests that differing levels of ambition and work commitment can create challenges in romantic partnerships.

💡Socioeconomic Status

Socioeconomic status encompasses an individual's economic and social position in society, often determined by factors such as income, education, and occupation. The video discusses how women's preferences for partners may be influenced by their own socioeconomic status, and how this preference can create challenges in finding compatible partners, especially for highly educated and successful women.

Highlights

Discussion on how women's response to classical masculinity has changed over time, suggesting a decrease from the 1960s.

Mention of the influence of '50 Shades of Gray' on the proliferation of dark romance novels and the subsequent feminist pushback.

Observation that women's preferences for softer, more feminized men in media did not translate to book sales.

The difference between stated and revealed preferences in women's attraction to masculinity.

The distinction between sexual fantasies and long-term relationship choices for both men and women.

The concept of 'Fame seesaw', illustrating how public perception shifts with an individual's rise and fall in status.

The impact of women's career and life choices on their romantic preferences and the challenges of finding a suitable partner.

The correlation between gender inequality and relationship satisfaction, suggesting that greater equality leads to less satisfaction.

The 'toll go problem', describing the difficulty of finding a partner when one's status is high within their own hierarchy.

Discussion on the changing dynamics of gender roles and how women's increased access to education and employment affects romantic relationships.

The challenge faced by high-achieving women in finding partners they can look up to, within the constraints of modern feminism and egalitarianism.

The importance of allowing ambitious individuals to pursue their goals without societal constraints.

The need for a balance between humility and arrogance in ambitious individuals, and the role of mentorship.

The concept of elitism and the importance of recognizing and allowing elite individuals to excel in their fields.

The argument against the dampening of ambition and the need for risk and danger in the pursuit of greatness.

The promotion of Element, an electrolyte drink mix, as a healthy alternative to sugary drinks, with a focus on its benefits and refund policy.

Transcripts

do you find that women heterosexual

women respond to classical

masculinity have to be very careful as I

asked because they certainly respond

more than they're supposed to according

to Modern rules of femininity correct

but my guess is that it's greatly

decreased

from the market for masculinity in the

60s let's say so

look again inter and intrasexual

Dynamics something I've spent an awful

lot of time learning about I'm a book at

the moment with David bus evolutionary

psychologist okay on

this in the early 2010s after the

success of 50 Shades of Gray MH there

was a proliferation of dark romance

novels and

they there was a push back from the

feminism movement saying that the

portrayals of men as dominant masculine

beard did big chested in a loin cloth or

a plaid shirt wielding an axe uh wasn't

what women wanted they wanted a softer

more like the bronny guy or the Marboro

man correct they they wanted a softer

version of this so they started putting

more agreeable more feminized men on the

front cover of books they didn't sell

right but I wouldn't guess that either

of those would be where modern women's

heads would be at now in the space of 10

years so I think that there's a there

there's massively a difference between

stated and revealed preferences sure

right and also to you know to caveat

that the thing that you may sexually

fantasize about is not necessarily what

you want to get into a relationship with

guys will say say more that uh what you

optimize for in a one night stand and

what you optimize for in a marriage

partner aren't always necessarily the

same I would think they would be wildly

desperate correct which means that the

front cover of the romance novel is not

necessarily the partner that you want

long term they're the one that you want

to fantasize

about most of these stories are driven

by sex

rather than driven by love so I I have

this hypothesis and I wonder if you you

have names for all sorts of things that

I let before you give me I just need to

Bunch this up your acronym your ponant

for Acron acronyms yeah and a friend

Mary says meme first explain later and I

think that uh some of my favorite

episodes they rely on aphorisms they

rely on on creating memes sure small

quippy razors and so on and so forth

first off because it makes it easier to

remember but secondly because that's

what gets the hooks into you this is how

you make things so if you are somebody

that's listening that has an idea that

really loves that idea give it a name

give it a name and give it a cool name I

came up with Fame seesaw the other day

which is that uh on your way up people

want to support you because you remind

them of their dreams when you're at the

top they tear you down because you

remind them of what they gave up on yeah

yeah fameous seaw beautiful and now even

if it's [ __ ] wrong you can't forget

it so it's good very nice you were

saying um that when women when

heterosexual women realize that they

have several possible life cycles and

they don't have a clear sense of which

one they will actually

live am I going to get married and raise

children and be at home with the

children am I going to get married and

have one child maybe two and be a career

person am I never going to couple but

have children am I going to have no

children whatsoever am I going to do

that in a coupled situation

yep their decision trees blow out as to

what it is that they're actually looking

for and one of my strong

senses is that women encountered

something they weren't expecting which

is that they might even be smarter than

the guy at work who they're competing

with but he's happy to come

in all of Saturday all of Sunday and

work hours that are completely psychotic

and so then the idea of well we need

work life balance we don't want people

coming in on Friday and Saturday because

that's sort of an unfair advantage that

somebody who wants a healthy life is

different from somebody who wants an

extreme life and so now you have this

problem which is I'm attracted to the

sort of man I wouldn't want to compete

with at

work if I'm going to be in the office I

want to know that I'm not going to have

to deal with the guy who's willing to

give up every weekend and work hours

that I'm unwilling to work because

that's not how I'm set at the

factory

versus um I want that guy as the

go-getter while I'm pregnant and

incapacitated in raising children to

make sure that not only he can Shepherd

our family through anything because he's

highly capable but can also get me back

into the workforce when I'm done raising

children

and this is someone what what I believe

is responsible for the sort

of incoherent messages that men and

women are sending to each other is that

when we don't know what life cycle we

are going to be inhabiting our eroticism

and our romance and our desire is

unstable one of the most

uncomfortable correlations that I found

over the last few years is that as

gender inequality pay inequality between

genders increases relationship

satisfaction for both men and women

increases as well sorry decreases the

more egalitarian the more equal the pay

the less satisfied both sexes are with

relationships H men who are in

relationships where the woman is the

primary bread winner of 50% more likely

to use erectile dysfunction

medication where a woman is contributing

More than 70% of the household income

the marriage is twice as likely to end

in divorce women for a man uh sorry for

a woman to move herself the same

distance on a 10o scale in terms of

attractiveness that a man can by

increasing his income by $100,000 she

would need a 10,000 times increase in

income in short women are interested

socioeconomically in the status of their

partner in a way that men aren't now the

problem that you have is that women now

have access to education and employment

in a way that they never have done

before so they're no longer financially

dependent on men sure but you're seeing

something which is particularly

heartbreaking in my group of of females

which would be women in their mid to

late

50s I have to be honest I've seen some

of the women I was most impressed by

never

coupling and when I when you talk to

them there's some very uncomfortable

things that get said one of which was I

was looking for a man I could look up to

and the pool was just so small

and then and and you know you're

thinking well okay it's illegal to say

I'm looking for a man that I could look

up to right because that's not in

accordance with modern feminism and

egalitarianism but on the other hand

this idea that when you you know one of

the world's leading chemists or

something uh there's just not that many

men that are going to be in that

position I got another meme for you yeah

this is I got in a lot of trouble for

this it's called the toll go problem so

if you stand a top your own status

hierarchy it's very difficult to find

somebody else across and above from

yours you know if you're a 6' one girl

without heels you're looking at

professional athletes and two women for

every one man completing a four-year us

college degree by 2030 between the ages

of 21 and 29 women earn

1,111 more on average than their male

counterparts right but women still have

this vestigial attraction to the man who

is across and above from them that's

hypergamy and this means that as you

rise up through your own dominance

hierarchy it amounts to a opportunity of

diminishing returns but then why are we

not allowed to build better men I mean

this is the really this is this thing

that just floors

me I'm now through through being a

father looking

at the subset of young men who are

absolutely looking to crush

it and the advice they're being given is

so horrific what like

well that doesn't seem mentally healthy

and uh you know I I think it's much

better for you to sort of enjoy this

time with everyone else and you know

it's just like watering down raw

ambition

and you know was it ludicrous who said

get out the way you

know get out of the way of these people

these people want to invest and blow

your socks off and just do amazing

things and there's some administrator or

nanny or nurse ratchet who's like well

that would be arrogant we can't have

that and and you're saying I don't think

you understand it but

ambition is a necessary input for

certain humans and if you sit there and

say why do you have a right to innovate

when nobody else is innovated or uh

don't you realize that your go-getter

personality during the covid uh

situation was based on your privilege

and uh in fact a lot of other people are

suffering from mental health you're just

thinking why am I taking the most

promising people and tying them to the

most damaged people why not instead take

the most promising people and have them

get a PhD by the age of 2021 and study

what to do for their for their fellow

Souls who are

struggling do you remember when Elon

took over Twitter and he started to rip

out the tech team yeah and and he said I

want to make Twitter a place where the

people who want to work the hardest on

the biggest problems can come and work

and people said they looked at that and

said this is going back to an archaic

form of Silicon Valley where people are

forced to sleep under desks and it's a

blah blah

blah those people do not have theory of

mind to understand what it's like to be

someone as driven as it takes to look at

that from Elon not as modern day

slavery but no wait a second it can be

modern day slavery or it could be the

person saying for God's sakes I'm

burning to solve this problem let me

sleep under my desk un unhook unhook the

leash and let me go at this and there is

a there is a cohort of people out there

for whom that's their calling they

didn't want to work at Twitter if they

got Frappuccinos and mindful Monday

afternoons off and to be able to play

ping pong for half the week and whatever

it was that was going on they want to go

and they want to feel like they're

contributing to an astronomically sized

goal an un unreasonable goal and they

want to feel the the rush of of going

toward

it and I think you're right I think that

there is a dampening of ambition

and since being in America since moving

to America 18 months ago it's the fuel

that I've had from the enthusiasm from

the people I've been around has fueled

me empowered me in a way that I I didn't

wasn't it was alien I was 30 33 years

old and I'd never felt it before I want

to

look there's so much to do and it

requires ambitious people and those

people have to be both arrogant and

humble it's a complicated thing it

involves mentorship it's I want to say

also something about

elitism elitism is incredibly

unfair you know I I've hung out with

Stanley Jordan and I am never going to

play any instrument the way Stanley

Jordan plays the guitar he's an elite

object I am not going to be that guy you

have to learn how to let Elite people do

Elite things that where you can't

compete with

them I don't know what to do about this

the idea that we are turning against the

concept of elite because we've got this

sort of pretend Elite that sits in these

chairs that screws everything up and

you've got all of these ambitious people

who are being destroyed by enforced

helplessness you know how do we get how

do we fire the administrators necessary

to return universities to being

universities H how do

we explain that some people are built to

fly wings

suits you know it's a super dangerous

activity but somebody needs that rush or

they're not

alive you know people need danger they

need risk they need to be able to create

and they don't need you in their in

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