الزواج السعيد.. علميًا | الدحيح

Summary

This script explores the complexities of marriage through various lenses, including the scientific study of marital interactions at the Gottman Love Lab, societal pressures, and gender roles. It challenges common stereotypes about men and women, emphasizing the importance of friendship, mutual support, and positive emotions in maintaining a successful marriage. The episode humorously navigates the intricacies of marital expectations and the reality of relationship dynamics, offering insights into how couples can foster a strong bond.

Takeaways

• 🎥 The script is a transcript of a video discussing the dynamics of marriage, using both fictional and real-life examples to explore the topic.
• 🔬 It references the Gottman Love Lab, which conducted scientific studies on marital behaviors and was able to predict the success or failure of marriages with a high degree of accuracy.
• 📈 The importance of physiological responses in marriage is highlighted, showing that stress hormones can indicate the health of a relationship.
• 🤔 The script challenges common stereotypes about gender roles in marriage, suggesting that behaviors are not inherently biological but are often societally imposed.
• 🧐 It discusses how societal and economic pressures can influence marriage, using examples from different cultures to illustrate the point.
• 💔 The concept of 'emotional flooding' is introduced, explaining how suppressed emotions can lead to unhealthy marital interactions.
• 🤝 The value of friendship and mutual respect within a marriage is emphasized as a key component to its success.
• ❤️ The script suggests that happy marriages are built on a foundation of positive emotions, support, and understanding between partners.
• 🔄 It acknowledges that people and relationships change over time, and that successful marriages require ongoing effort and adaptation.
• 👫 The episode concludes with a humorous anecdote about the nature of marriage, comparing it to a barrel of honey with only a small portion being sweet.

Q & A

What is the primary focus of the Gottman Love Lab?

The Gottman Love Lab, established by John Gottman and Robert Levenson, focuses on the scientific study of marriage, specifically the reasons behind the happiness or divorce of married couples.

How accurate are the predictions made by the Gottman Institute about the continuity or end of marriages?

The Gottman Institute has been able to predict with an accuracy of 91%, whether studied couples will remain married or divorce, based on their behavior, actions, and physiological responses.

What is the significance of the physiological measurements taken during the marriage study at the Gottman Institute?

Physiological measurements such as heart activity, blood pressure, and hormone levels are significant as they can indicate the stress levels and emotional states of the couples, which are strong predictors of the success or failure of their marriages.

How do societal roles and expectations influence the dynamics within a marriage according to the script?

Societal roles and expectations can significantly influence marital dynamics by imposing gender-specific behaviors and emotional expressions, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts if not properly managed and understood.

What role does friendship play in a successful marriage as per the insights from the script?

According to the script, a successful marriage is highly correlated with the quality of friendship between the partners, which includes mutual respect, shared enjoyment, and a deep understanding of each other's likes, dislikes, and dreams.

How do unrealistic expectations of marriage contribute to marital issues as discussed in the script?

Unrealistic expectations of marriage can lead to frustration and problems, as couples may not be prepared for the normal challenges and imperfections that occur in a relationship, leading to disappointment and potential marital breakdown.

What is the 'victory of positive emotions' mentioned in the script, and how does it relate to successful marriages?

The 'victory of positive emotions' refers to a state in a relationship where partners assume good intentions from each other, even during conflicts. This positive approach helps in maintaining a strong bond and is more likely to lead to a successful marriage.

How important is it for couples to respond to each other's 'bids' for attention and support in a marriage?

Responding to each other's 'bids' or requests for attention and support is crucial in a marriage as it builds a reservoir of positivity and strengthens the relationship, enabling it to withstand future conflicts and challenges.

What does the script suggest as a simple yet effective way to maintain romance and positivity in a marriage?

The script suggests that simple acts of service and small gestures, such as helping with daily chores or sending a kind text message, can be more effective in maintaining romance and positivity in a marriage than grand gestures.

How does the script address the concept of men and women being 'from different planets' in terms of relationships?

The script challenges the concept of men and women being 'from different planets' by emphasizing the importance of friendship, mutual understanding, and communication over stereotypical gender roles and expectations.

Outlines

00:00

🎬 Behind the Scenes of a Marriage

The paragraph humorously sets the stage for a discussion on marriage, contrasting the mundane realities of a long-term relationship with the idealized portrayals often seen in media. It touches on the division of household chores, the role of both partners in raising children, and the challenges of balancing work and family life. The dialogue is interspersed with moments of levity, highlighting the complexities and contradictions inherent in marital dynamics.

05:00

🔬 The Science of Marital Bliss and Woes

This segment delves into the scientific study of marriage, referencing the Gottman Love Lab and its methodology for observing and predicting marital outcomes. It discusses the use of technology to monitor physiological responses during marital interactions and how these responses can serve as indicators of a couple's likelihood to divorce. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding the underlying factors that contribute to the success or failure of a marriage.

10:02

🌐 Marriage in the Context of Culture and Society

The focus shifts to the broader societal and cultural influences on marriage. It examines the impact of gender roles, economic pressures, and societal expectations on marital relationships. The paragraph highlights how these external factors can shape the dynamics within a marriage and contribute to its stability or dissolution. It also touches on the changing norms around marriage in different cultures and the implications of these shifts.

15:03

🤔 Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Marriage

This section critically examines the stereotypes and assumptions about gender that often influence marital expectations and behaviors. It challenges the notion that men and women are inherently different in ways that affect their marital compatibility. The paragraph discusses research that suggests factors such as emotional needs, societal roles, and personal experiences play a more significant role in shaping behavior within a marriage than inherent gender traits.

20:03

💔 The Struggle with Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage

The paragraph addresses the issue of unrealistic expectations in marriage and how they can lead to disappointment and conflict. It discusses the importance of having rational expectations and the role of communication and understanding in resolving marital issues. The paragraph also highlights the challenges in achieving a balance between individual needs and shared responsibilities within a marriage.

25:06

👫 The Power of Friendship in Sustaining Marriages

This segment emphasizes the importance of friendship as a foundation for a successful marriage. It discusses how mutual respect, shared interests, and positive interactions can strengthen the bond between partners. The paragraph also explores the concept of 'bids' and how responding to these small requests for attention and support can build a 'bank' of positive feelings that help couples navigate through challenges.

🌟 Reigniting Joy and Keeping the Friendship Alive

The final paragraph discusses strategies for maintaining the vitality of a marriage, suggesting that shared experiences, both routine and extraordinary, play a crucial role. It highlights the value of small gestures and acts of service in keeping the relationship fresh and satisfying. The paragraph concludes with a reminder of the ongoing effort required to sustain a marriage and the importance of continuous communication and understanding between partners.

Keywords

💡Marriage

Marriage is a legally and socially recognized union between two individuals. In the video, it is the central theme explored through various contexts such as the dynamics of long-term relationships, the impact of societal expectations, and the scientific study of marital success and failure. The script references different perspectives on marriage, from personal anecdotes to scientific research, highlighting its complexity and importance in individuals' lives.

💡Gottman Love Lab

The Gottman Love Lab is a research institute founded by John Gottman and Robert Levenson, aimed at understanding the dynamics of marriage. The lab is depicted in the video as a place where couples' behaviors, interactions, and physiological responses are monitored in a setting designed to mimic a home environment. This concept is crucial as it provides a real-world application of scientific methods to study and predict marital outcomes, such as divorce or lasting relationships.

💡Emotional Literacy

Emotional literacy refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions and the emotions of others. The video underscores the significance of emotional literacy in maintaining healthy marriages. It suggests that couples who can effectively communicate and manage their emotions are more likely to resolve conflicts and build stronger relationships, as illustrated by the various examples of couples' interactions throughout the script.

💡Stress Hormones

Stress hormones, such as Adrenaline and ACTH, are chemicals in the body that respond to stress and can impact physical and emotional well-being. The video discusses how elevated levels of these hormones in married couples during discussions can be indicative of a higher likelihood of divorce. This concept ties into the broader theme of how physiological responses can serve as markers for the health and potential longevity of a marriage.

💡Gender Roles

Gender roles are the expectations of society about how individuals should behave based on their gender. The video script challenges traditional gender roles by discussing how they can lead to misunderstandings and unhealthy dynamics in marriages. It suggests that breaking free from these societal expectations can lead to more balanced and fulfilling relationships, as seen in the discussion about men suppressing emotions and women being allowed to express theirs.

💡Cheating

Cheating in the context of the video refers to the act of being unfaithful in a marriage or relationship. It is presented not as an inherent trait but rather as a result of emotional distancing or dissatisfaction within the relationship. The video argues against the stereotype of men as naturally predisposed to cheat, suggesting instead that cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues within the marriage.

💡Communication Skills

Communication skills are the abilities to effectively express ideas, thoughts, and feelings, and to understand those of others. The video emphasizes the importance of these skills in marriage, suggesting that couples who can communicate openly and empathetically have a better chance at resolving conflicts and maintaining a healthy relationship. The concept is illustrated through examples of how couples discuss issues and the impact of 'Active Listening' on marital success.

💡Expectations

Expectations in the video refer to the预先设定的 beliefs and desires that individuals have for their marriages. It is argued that having realistic expectations is crucial for marital success, as unmet expectations can lead to disappointment and conflict. The video contrasts 'rational' expectations with 'irrational' ones, showing how the latter can contribute to the breakdown of a marriage.

💡Friendship

Friendship within the context of the video is presented as a foundational element for a successful marriage. It implies mutual respect, shared enjoyment, and a deep understanding of each other's needs and desires. The video suggests that couples who maintain a strong friendship are more likely to navigate the challenges of marriage successfully, as they are more inclined to support and appreciate each other.

💡Compromise

Compromise in the video is depicted as a necessary part of a successful marriage, involving the willingness to make concessions and find middle ground in order to resolve differences. It is presented as a positive process that involves understanding and respecting each other's perspectives, rather than a negative process of giving in or losing out. The video emphasizes that successful marriages require continuous compromise and adaptation.

💡Cultural Influences

Cultural influences refer to the impact of societal norms, values, and expectations on individuals' behaviors and choices, including those related to marriage. The video discusses how cultural factors, such as the importance of marriage in certain societies or economic pressures, can shape marital dynamics and outcomes. It provides examples from different cultures to illustrate how external societal forces can both positively and negatively influence the success and longevity of marriages.

Highlights

The Gottman Love Lab was established to scientifically study the reasons behind the success or failure of marriages.

Couples in the lab are asked to act as naturally as possible while being monitored for physiological responses.

Gottman's research predicted the continuity or divorce of marriages with an accuracy of 91%.

Unhappy marriages can increase the chance of getting infected with a disease by 35%.

Happy marriages can increase the average lifespan of couples by 4-8 years.

Cheating is often a result of emotional distancing and insecurity, not a biological imperative.

Men are often happier in marriages than women, contradicting common stereotypes.

Cheating is not primarily determined by gender but by opportunities, context, and availability.

Marital problems are often not the cause but the result of a failing marriage.

Expressing emotions is not a gender-specific trait but a learned behavior influenced by societal roles.

Men's suppression of emotions can lead to physical health issues, including increased heart rate and blood pressure during marital disputes.

Societal and economic pressures can significantly impact the success and stability of marriages.

Having realistic expectations of marriage is crucial for its success and sustainability.

The quality of friendship between partners is a significant predictor of a happy and successful marriage.

Supporting each other's 'bids' or requests for attention and help is key to maintaining a positive relationship.

Engaging in exciting new activities together can help reignite the joy and passion in a marriage.

Small gestures of love and appreciation can have a significant impact on the health and happiness of a marriage.

The ability to communicate and understand each other is essential for navigating the changes and challenges in a long-term marriage.

Transcripts

Oh God! What's going on, dude, why don't you put the microphone in my throat?

Yes, to prevent glasses' reflection on camera, so it doesn't look like we're filming.

Can I use it to clean the ceilings, please?

Me and Somaya had been married for around 25 years.

A calm and pretty marriage.

It was a horrible marriage!

Honestly, both of us participate in all of the house work.

Actually, he smudges and I clean!

No, hold on a second!

I remember once...I swear, I opened the fridge door to drink water

then I closed it again after drinking!

Of course, I should take part in raising our children.

Sure, he should take part because I consider him as one of the kids.

Somaya says this about me?

Yes...tell him, I'm supposed to be scared?

I can't believe she could say something like that!

He will act like a fool in the beginning, I know better!

Honestly, sometimes I may be absent from home.

Didn't he say the reason of his absence? Ask him, man!

Say to the reason, boy!

Honestly...

I know, he will say...

Work!... a lot of work, extra, overtime.

If he didn't tell you, I will!

This man had been, for 3 years,

Married...to another one, honestly!

Do you know, who is his wife? You won't believe!

Classic...my best friend.

She isn't her best friend, they were just in the same school, raised together,

they just were like siblings to each other! That's why I loved her!

Because she reminds me of her.

Did he say that...she reminds him of me?

Every single time I look at her, I remember Somaya.

I consider our marriage, a chance to patch things up!

Did he really said that?

It was a crappy marriage!

Do you know who is his other wife?

Classic!

(El Daheeh)

Hello my dear viewers.

Welcome to a new episode of El-Daheeh.

This episode is not only for the married but for the singles,

regarding emotional literacy and removal of wives' disputes, hopefully.

I want you, the night of your wedding, to watch the episode carefully,

in the sake of marriage success, hopefully.

Keep playing the episode on repeat, as a kind of gratitude!

On a sunny morning in the American city, Seattle,

there were a couple, Mark and Janice Gordon who were married for a few months.

They were like two lovebirds having breakfast happily,

looking at an awesome sight of clear lake.

Mark put a journal beside him to read during breakfast time as usual,

then he watched a soccer match to enjoy his time.

Meanwhile, Janice finished her breakfast then started a long call with her mother.

A very normal morning routine for a couple in their prime age.

As if you are normally watching a scene for Brad Pitt.

My friend, if you focused a little bit, you'll feel that there is something fishy.

"That they were happy, Abo Hmeed?"

No, my friend that's not what I mean.

Something way more important!

If you took a closer look, you'll find three video-cameras fixed on the walls.

If you took another look, you'll find mics attached to their shirts' collars.

"Abo Hmeed, are they spies working with the Mossad?"

My friend, have you ever seen a spy wearing a Holter monitor to track his heartbeats?

"I didn't get it, what are we doing, Abo Hmeed?"

Focus with me my friend, look at the natural scene in the background.

It's just a portrait not a real natural scene.

My friend, this is The Gottman Love Lab

which was established by the scientists, John Gottman and Robert Levenson

in Washington university, Seattle city, in 1986

with an objective for a marriage scientific study.

Precisely, the reasons of happiness or divorce of the married couples.

Those two scientists created a lab similar to a normal flat of a middle class couple,

which contains kitchen, sofa, T.V and a normal furniture, it feels like home.

"Abo Hmeed, I have an air fryer, why don't they?"

Zip it, man! what is important is that in this normal house,

the couple will be demanded, during this experiment, to buy their usual grocery,

and the journal they used to read.

"Do everything you used to in your daily routine,

also, bring the stuff you use on your weekends and holidays."

They will be asked, as much as possible, to act normally

under a supervision taking place from 9AM to 9PM.

The supervision took place in every corner

in the house except the bathroom before you ask.

"Abo Hmeed, it's not a big deal, it's just a couple of days and everything ends!"

A couple of days! my friend, such experiment requires many years.

In this study, Gottman will study the married's behaviour and their actions,

even their facial expressions over many years.

"So was it useful? Abo Hmeed."

My friend, let me shock you with an amazing surprise!

Gottman crew predicted the continuity of the marriage

or the divorce for the studied cases

with accuracy reached 91%, from 3 different studies.

This means that in 9 out of 10 marriages,

this crew was able to say whether this couple will divorce or last.

"That's unsurprising! statistics of marital status exist in every society, Abo Hmeed."

If we assumed that the divorce rate exceeds 50% in America, that's a fact

but it's measured over 40 years long

meanwhile Gottman's experiment predicts the divorce within seven years

a way more shorter time period.

"Abo Hmeed, can I go with my future wife to see are we going to divorce or not.

-in order to decide to marry her or not." -No.

"Abo Hmeed, this accuracy can be achieved through some monitoring,

measuring the actions and habits, it's not scientific matter."

Let me surprise you, again, Gottman won't only focus on the behaviour.

If the behaviour is based on lies and deception, the body won't lie.

Do you recall the chest Holter monitor that was used to measure heart activity?

Gottman measured the cardiogram, blood pressure, and hormones

for the married who underwent the experiment.

"What is the relation between this and divorce, Abo Hmeed?"

In a study from OHIO university, they measured the levels of stress hormones

such as Adrenaline and ACTH hormones, for the newly married

then compared their physiological state

to their state after marriage for ten years.

My friend, they found that their hormones' levels are 34% higher

during the marital discussions for the couples who divorced eventually

in comparison to the couples whose marriage lasted.

If you found people have high levels of those hormones during their marriage,

you can tell that they divorce, mostly.

These hormones'' level during a discussion

can be an indicator to the course of their marriage.

This is a clear correlation between physiological results

and the possibility of divorce in a certain time period.

My friend, this is what I meant with the Marriage Scientific Study.

Gottman and his lab didn't miss any detail to monitor the married.

"Abo Hmeed, I believe that this man is a little bit trivial.

He brought a fully furnished flat, cameras,

and a holter monitor in order to study marriage!

Come on, man, do some studies on diseases and cure people from them!

Leave who wants to divorce or marry alone, is this a family court!"

My friend, if you are in your prime age, you should know

that marriage can end your life as any other disease.

It can be you savior, as well.

My friend, that's not an emotional speech or under any threat!

According to a study from the University of Michigan,

the chance of getting infected with a disease

is higher by 35% if your marriage is unhappy.

Meanwhile happy couples, their average life span increase with a rate of 4-8 years.

The person who is unhappy in his marriage suffers from stress and chronic fatigue

on both physical and emotional levels.

This fatigue exposes him to heart problems which increase the blood pressure

other than psychological problems such as depression.

On the other happy hand, you'll find a person cares about you,

reminds you to take care of yourself,

insists to visit the doctor when you feel unwell,

and feels a responsibility towards your mood, health, and your body.

In his book, 'The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work', Gottman will say,

"If you dedicate 10% of your weekly gym time

to enhance your relation with your wife,

that will provide three times the health benefits

you would get if you presist going to gym."

"Abo Hmeed, should I pay for the couples therapy instead of the gym membership?"

According to this study, yes!

Gottman's lab was focused on about how the marriage will end, in a good or bad way

but maybe this question is depending on another more important question,

we need to ask it first: How should the marriage begin?

My friend, the marriage is a partnership.

A relation between two persons, most of the time,

in the beginning, you had your preconceived notions and opinions about the other party.

For a long time of our history, the space of those relations and partnerships

was based on opinions,

not a specific scientific path that charts the course of those relationships,

and tries to figure out whether it's going to end or not.

If it's going to end, how will it end, what are the reasons and results?

As what was happening in Gottman's lab.

According to the words of the writer John Mitchinson,

in the 90s many books came out such as 'Men Are From mars, Women Are from Venus'

bestseller since day one alongside to Moustafa Mahmoud books in Egypt

It is a self-help book,

which has a 15 million copies and it was translated into more than 40 languages.

This book establishes one main idea which is that each party in the marriage

comes from a different planet and has different traits.

This book was be followed by chain of books which emphasize the same idea,

which is both men and women have their own catalog

-tell us if you find the women's one-

such as 'Why Men Lie And Woman Cry' and 'Men Are Clams Women Are Crowbars'.

Although many of these stuff don't have scientific base,

it will be established in both gender minds, since their childhood.

It will also control their choices in each other,

and each gender's expectations towards the other.

Gottman did many studies just to get the divorce percentage

meanwhile an unscientific book can change the whole culture,

and determine the foundations of marriage beginning and ending.

I'm acting like a salesman, my friend!

My friend, let me please analyze this claim to check whether it's true or not.

Let's examine the preconception notion about men and women.

Stereotyping, what's the first thing comes on your mind

when you hear the word woman or man.

Men are cheaters and have a wandering eye,

and women are grumpy and unbearable.

-"Is that scientifically right, Abo Hmeed?" -We will see!

My friend, if we analyzed the idea of men by nature

are creatures who tend to freedom and celibacy,

stay away from marriage restrictions,

and tend by nature to cheat and eat,

we'll find that Dr. Alicia Walker wrote in her book 'Chasing Masculinity'

that the initial feeling that pushes any man towards cheating is not a biological matter

but the feeling of emotional distancing, insecurity.

May this result from the lack of attention or appreciation,

but according to the samples collected by Alicia

many men consider cheating as an attempt to compensate the lost feelings from others

instead of ultimately losing his beloved wife through divorce,

as if he's ordering fast food delivery.

My friend, we found what the unexpected in studies,

you always see in the media that the women are the ones who want to get married

consequently, you make an assumption that they are more happy in marriages,

the married men are actually happier

than the married women, this is what is shown by the studies.

Meanwhile, the single men are more sad and violent in the society.

As much as the doctor’s words can seem a bit toxic and of a masculine character,

but it emphasizes that cheating is not a biological or inherent thing.

This was resumed by the studies of Dr. Annette Lawson

who found that something like cheating, with our common sense,

does not depend mainly on the gender, it does not matter whether male of female.

It's obvious that when a man cheats, he cheats with a woman and the vice versa

of course with different ratios but that's not the matter.

My friend, cheating according to her words depends on

chances, context, and availability.

So the increase in the percentage of cheating on wives equals to

the percentage of women presence in the labour market.

Cheating is a chance appears to a person

who has an emotional problem, frigidity, boredom.

He may be in need for appreciation and being cared about.

According to the studies, 80% of the wives and husbands, said that the act of cheating

was not the cause of the marriage collapse but it was a result.

This means that marriage didn't end due to cheating

but cheating took place when the marriage was already collapsed.

"Abo Hmeed wait a second, men are cheaters by nature."

My friend, calm down, we are examining the stereotype notions

which are partially true

but it's not fully true.

Just hold a second because your turn is next with your own stereotype.

The whole world is saying that you are grumpy.

Let's examine this allegation.

According to Dr. Cathrine Mckinley words,

men and women go through the same exact feelings

such as, anger, grump, and sadness.

The difference according to her words,

is that women are allowed to express their feelings

but men are not allowed.

That's not a biological thing but according to Dr. Catherine's words

there is something called Gender Roles, the society distribute them on us.

As if we are actors in film or a play.

These roles say to the men "You are strong, unemotional, men don't cry",

then say to women "You are allowed to express your feelings, scream, girl!"

Consequently, It's normal that women can speak up bravely

about more sophisticated matters,

without any fear to show someone her feelings.

Women can do this with 80% more than men,

who usually avoid discussing such topics.

A friend is sitting with you in a cafe so you ask him "what's wrong?"

He replies "feeling low a little bit, pray for me.", then you say "may God bless you!"

The weird thing is that everything becomes better!

According to her words, this is called societal roles.

The common is, husbands accuse their wives for being grumpy

and on the other hand, women say that men are cold and have thick skin.

The point is when a man suppresses his feelings,

it reflects badly on his body.

According to sources, marital discussions that arouse strong emotions,

husband's blood pressure increases more than wife's blood pressure

and also his heartbeats are faster and heavier.

He continues like this for a longer time period in comparison to his wife.

Dear husband, if your heartbeats exceeded a 100 beats/minute,

you will not understand your wife's words, no matter how hard you try.

Because you will be in a state named 'Flooding' by Gottman

which is anger and high tension

to the point that prevents you from focusing in discussion

or even to respond rationally after being in tension.

That's not the only price you will pay

for the gender role imposed by the society.

Gottman noticed that when a husband plays his masculine role

and believes the gender role that forces him to suppress his emotions,

when he gets involved in a discussion,

he tends to think of wining or get his right back

this is a heavy pressure.

According to his words, a wife can calm herself down easier than her husband.

Because she accepts her feelings and talks about it a lot.

So she is able to control it, somehow, and is not scared to expose it.

If the husband shouted, his wife often will try to calm him down or react less,

but not the vice versa!

If the wife shouted loudly, her husband will shout at the top of his voice.

Gottman believe that women by nature can understand emotions and deal with it more

in comparison to men, even if those women may not be cleverer than men.

It's not about being biologically programed.

This began in their childhood and followed by years of practicing.

If we focused on how the boys and girls played

on the streets during their childhood.

You will notice that boys focus on wining the game,

as when men play a football match aggressively,

they shout, swear, and complains.

You may fight with your best friend playing in other team just to win.

You will notice that girls focus on emotions while they are playing.

If a girl said to her friend "We can't be friends anymore" the game stops,

At least, until they patch things up.

Imagine a man and a women are about to get married and be partners.

All while their notions about each other are just stereotypes.

They deal with each other as if they were coming from two different planets.

They also live in the roles which were imposed on them by society.

They believed that this is their nature and should act based on it

without thinking that they can possibly be roles they should play.

Sometimes, the society not only imposes its roles on men and women

but also imposes its economic and social circumstances.

According to the words of the journalist Leta Hong Fincher

who studied things like marriage and gender in a society like the Chinese society.

Leta found a girl from 'Shanghai' summarize the idea of marriage in one sentence which is

The marriage there is not a just story of a couple but a whole society,

fathers, sons, grandfathers, a whole country.

"Hold a second Abo Hmeed, isn't that the normal marriage here not only China?"

Yes but focus on China.

According to the 'Hukou system', a housing system in China,

since 2012, a women should be married in order to own a house in Shanghai.

Many of the Chinese women rejected marriage as a reaction to the society pressure,

to the point that the age of marriage for women in 2000 was 24.9 years

then reached in 2022, 27.95 years,

it increased by around three years!

According to a study,

Marriage is essential in the Middle East and Egypt, it's a standard for maturity.

This is how the society is going to take you seriously.

You are a father, a mother or even married, so you are a grown up person.

Due to the economic circumstances,

a man would be able to marry someone at the age of 31.

The average age of marriage for women is around 23.

My friend, those economic and social circumstances won't end after marriage,

quite the opposite, it increases.

The pressure on the married couples increase to the point that

the divorce percentage reached 65% in the first year of marriage!

65%! which means that a third of marriages only will last, after the first year.

Now, we're facing societies' circumstances have no relation with people themselves.

Those pressures make the marriage and its maintenance, which is more important,

a way harder process!

Maybe marriage isn't affected by the planet you're from, it's not about Mars and Venus.

Marriage may be affected by the country you came from.

Our expectations towards the other partner and society

isn't the only problem of marriage.

Sometimes our expectations towards the marriage are the major problem,

specifically, the expectation for a happy marriage,

which does not have any problems as we see on Instagram,

all day long, doing this love signs!

According to a study published in 2016, it followed 135 couple over 4 years

to compare their expectations about marriage prior of it

to their opinion about marriage after it.

It showed that the husbands who had a rational expectations from the beginning,

are the ones who managed to continue their marriage.

Meanwhile those with irrational expectations, didn't continue at all!

They were more frustrated and had more problems.

My friend, when the best investor in world, Warren Buffett was asked

"If you would choose only one trait to be in your partner, what will you choose?"

His answer was "Low expectations".

If I want to live in a happy marriage,

I should have low expectations toward one another,

consequently, when we do normal things, they're surprised and happy

and when they do normal things, we're surprised and happy,

so we all can live happily.

If we classified marriage problems into two types.

We'll find a type can be solved, it usually is linked with a certain situation.

As long as both of them have low expectations toward each other,

they will notice the problem and solve it.

The other type, is difficult to solve and occurs continuously.

It is usually resulted from an apparent reason covering many other deep reasons.

The problem may take place as a result of the accumulation.

They may fight for not taking the trash out

but actually, the real problem is "Why do always forget to help in the house work?"

Unfortunately 69% of the problems between the couples are the second type.

Because they were focused to built an ideal expectation about marriage

more than focusing on the person they should marry.

Each one of us not only has his own traits and characteristics

but also his own issues

depending on our character formation before having a partner.

The specialist Daniel B. Wile said in his book 'After The Honeymoon',

when you choose your partner, you also choose a group of issues

so it's better to choose the problems you can coexist with.

A happy marriage is the one where a couple is able to

deal with problems that can be solved

before it turns into a permanent problems.

They always discuss their problems or even make some jokes about their own problems!

They joke on their problems not other's, don't do that!

The important thing is that they don't reach, what Gottman call 'stagnation'

it's a state the couple reach when one or both

always feels oppressed or as a victim.

Listen to this and tweet it on your twitter account

"The sad partner is a victim to his own expectations not his partner."

"Abo Hmeed, you're making a big deal out of it,

so to get married, I should take her to be psychologically analyzed,

or live for years in Gottman's lab to monitor us, this is nuts!

let me get married first then we'll go to psychiatrists,

couple therapists, ans life coaches"!

My friend, surprisingly in customer satisfaction surveys,

the couple therapist was the major which got the worst ratings.

This is the most job with the most unsatisfied clients.

Marriage's problem, as I explained,

is the expectations of each gender towards the other,

towards the marriage itself.

Many specialists fell in the same problem and expected that

marriage can be measured

according to their stereotype, a doctor-patient-like relationship

using 'I can fix him/her' method

which never got a good result, as we all know.

The common method to cure the married couples

was created by the psychologist Carl Rogers in the 60s.

Its primary goal was to train psychiatrists

on responding to their patients without judging them.

So the patient can feel as much sympathy as possible, for what he is going through.

Since it's supposed that in the happy marriage each partner can act naturally

while the other partner accepts him with all his pros and cons.

So it's normal that psychologists would train husbands on the same thing,

which is called 'Active Listening'.

It works through giving advise,

for example, to start your speech

using first person pronoun not second person pronoun.

Instead of saying "You made me upset when you left me alone on such day",

say "I was sad to feel lonely on such a day".

The other party would paraphrase the sentence,

but in a way that appreciates the feelings of the speaker

instead of defending oneself.

The first reaction won't be "I was busy, tired, watch your actions",

because I was not accused, I'm seeing someone who's sad and in pain.

So my first reaction will be "It's okay, buddy!"

"Abo Hmeed that's great, where is the problem?"

The problem is that the percentage of succession of this rational method,

even in the presence of psychiatrist, is between 35% to 50% which means it fails.

I'm not just suggesting any random psychiatrist, it's like Neil Jacobson

who wrote important books about marital relations, he hardly passed.

Not only this, at least half of the couples he cured and survived, they relapsed again

and their relation ended again.

According to John Gottman, there's a huge difference in a discussion between

a doctor and a patient in a psychologically good environment

without accumulation of problems

or previous disputes that left marks in each partner,

and between a discussion with your partner who has never studied psychology

and is never a neutral side in the problem,

so it's hard to hear her husband's problems and accept them like the doctor's.

She is his wife not his therapist.

Let me tell you that in the normal psychotherapy,

the doctor tries not to make a personal relation with the patient.

If the discussion between them became personal

the therapist should change the course to a neutral discussion.

This doesn't mean that the active listening and communication skills

don't have a role in successful marriages

but surely it's not enough to save the marriages.

"Abo Hmeed this means that the expectations of each gender

is a trick for the other gender,

and our expectations for the marriage are tricks for us,

and we can be tricked during social or economic difficult circumstances

and I may face this trick with the doctor or the therapist

who I paid for him 800 pounds/hour to treat me!

what should I do or where should I go?"

"Abo Hmeed, I don't want to die sinner, single, or sexually frustrated."

You what? Who are you watching, boy?

Don't worry my friend, we all are going to die in the end.

My friend, do you think I'll leave you that easy?

I should keep on tricking you to continue the episode till the end

and watch all of the ads.

Then I'd come up with the solution after earning my money!

In fact, men are not from Mars, maybe from Siberia or somewhere else!

Meanwhile Women are not from Venus, may be from Comoros!

The matter, of course is complicated,

but I'll say it's easy to get to my point directly!

John Gottman said that the secret of happy marriage

is something common everyone has with equal percentage which is 70%.

It's just one sentence which is "Quality of friendship between both sides".

Friendship here refers to the mutual respect and fun.

Both should know more about the other, things their partner loves,

hates, craziness in each, his hopes and dreams.

In such friendship, your wife can let you eat her chicken dark meat as an act of love,

she knows that you love it more than the white meat.

Husband can spend a long time with his wife's family,

although he doesn't prefer family gatherings or even his wife's family.

That always happens because you win some you lose some,

without being forced to do anything.

"Abo Hmeed honestly, I feel that your words are such a cliche facebook post or a tweet

or to be written in a book, people chant it as mottos but not in reality.

In reality, we need the Red Cross crew to solve these armed disputes,

we are in a cold war and on the threshold of nuclear conflict,

all of these pieces of advise will be forgotten after the honeymoon."

Let's agree that when you watch a football program, it won't teach you how to play

but the application will do.

You just need some theoretical background in order to go on!

The friendship that Mr. Gottamn is talking about,

should be the beginning of the relationship not its end,

it's not that we may become friends,

no it's that if we became friends, we will be partners.

Because it leads to what Robert Weiss named 'victory of positive emotions'.

Simply, in such relationship when the couples fight,

both sides may assume good intentions,

and consider it as a temporary obstacle

in a strong relationship, normal tension, man!

Both sides expectations are positive even though there are problems.

In contrast to, if the negative emotions are the majority.

Will we act as if we're decode scientists or what? Why did he mean by this look?

What did she mean by this blink? They will make a big deal out of every small problem.

All reconciliation attempts during the fight

even if the person who started the reconciliation is skilled in communication,

and a good listener, this won't be heard in his tries, they'd be misunderstood.

"Why are apologizing? You want me to shut up!"

"You're telling me to calm down, do you think I am crazy?"

This is one of the reasons why traditional couple therapy doesn't work well,

in the cases of the majority of the negative emotions.

My friend, this is so important, if there is no trust that we have good intentions,

end this it now, don't continue the episode and end this relationship now!

Because there is no trust, we won't get any positive outcome from this person

or build positive expectations to grow the relationship.

Make sure that your intentions are good

and that you have good emotions toward each other.

As you know my friend, emotions are like money, don't last forever,

they can't make a relationship succeed alone.

Because our feelings don't prevent us from asking for support or providing it.

Gottman considers that emotions regenerate according to the response of each side to

something he named 'Bids' which means the attempts each side does

to tell the other side that he needs him.

Scientifically, in a successful marriage

each partner supports the other in 86% of cases.

"Abo Hmeed, I got 83%, can I do a re-exam?"

Your sense of humor is the reason of your failure in relationships, focus!

If we compared the happy marriages with the ones who ended up with divorce.

We'll find out that the percentage of response for support requests was 33%,

a way lower percentage than of the happy marriages,

you can see the difference between 80% and 30%, roughly.

This support can be simple acts of service, such as "Can you bring me water,

can you put your dish in the kitchen or put my phone on the charger, please."

It includes these easy actions, it also may include great things,

such as taking care of one of the partners family member.

According to Gottman, the important part of romance

isn't a trip to a high end place by the sea

or date in a luxury restaurant with violinist.

But it's the response for simple support requests,

the daily stuff that accumulate a credit of positivity

allowing the relationship to face issues when they occur.

Increase that positive credit as much as you can.

Gottman found out that the women he followed up with,

see that the man who helps in house work

isn't only a great man but sexually attractive too.

Wife notices that her husband focused on her daily routine helping her,

she notices that he is trying to make things easier for her,

not just because she is ill or in emergency,

but he is trying to cheer her up.

According to Gottman, this shifts the focus into

how each one will make it easier for the other

instead of the excessive focus on the mistakes of each other.

Gottman considers this as a proof that there is a problem between them.

They shouldn't be laying in wait for each others.

Daily activities are important

but often breaking their routine is more important and fun.

According to the words of researcher Arthur Aron,

one of the methods to regain joy in a marriage is 'The Exciting Activities'

which are new activities to get to know each other.

According to the book 'The Normal Bar' this revival can happen by small gestures,

it's not necessary to go skydiving in Dubai

or go to escape rooms in Arkan plaza!

With way simpler gestures such as cheek kiss,

massage, watch film or episode from a series,

simple activities that don't need energy, effort, or time.

Have some sympathy, man, and send her a good text message or emoji!

Is it that hard or will you run out of internet?

All in all, the friendship will find its path,

whatever your economic or social status is.

You can express your love and appreciation through it to your partner.

"Abo Hmeed, let me ask you a question I had been asked by a girl in college,

can men and women be best friends?"

According to a study from Stanford Univeristy, which has a special place in my heart,

boys and girls can be best friends during childhood

in 35% of the cases until the age of 7.

But after that, this percentage decreases to almost 0%.

This friendship almost doesn't exist in the age of puberty between the two genders

Because at the time the girls can be influenced by boys or other girls equally,

boys are more influenced by the other boys.

"Abo Hmeed, I'm confused!"

Influence refers to the shape of consultation, participation,

and influence by the others on your decisions,

and the respect of feelings and opinions.

So girls between 5 to 7 years get sick of this situation

and stop playing with boys.

"Abo Hmeed this means that they can not be friends!

you built your episode depending on a poor source!"

My friend, despite all of that, if there is a friendship with positive emotions,

support, and clarity between them,

this revives the lost childhood percentage gradually

between two genders who were raised on two different roles.

According Gottman, family quarrel with mutual influence between the married

who can influence, listen and understand each other,

are less severe from other,

and the possibility of a successful marriage is greater.

In the end, marriage is a relationship between two people with different characters,

their thinking is definitely different too,

they are two people whom society imposed a specific roles on.

Despite all problems, they chose to commit to live together and always do compromises,

compromises with a positive meaning not the negative one,

reaching middle grounds not concessions.

What is more important in this case than the communication skills is to stay friends.

There is no friendship between two

without knowing a lot about each other,

speaking together or understanding each other.

Although you can't and don't necessary have to fix anyone

but you can know him and explore him

even during his changing phase.

A marriage may last for dozens of years,

its normal that people we know change by time

even we may change!

My friend, the successful marriage requires continues effort, the effort never ends.

We understood each other so we created a friendship.

No, we always change, so we should follow up ourselves

and on our partner to maintain marriage.

Figure out what your partner dreams about, how to give him a hand,

what makes him upset from me and how I can stop it.

In the end, there is no mathematical equation that ensures the success of this.

Let me destroy the episode, humanity, civilization, marriage, and everything.

Gottman, our episode reference, was married 3 times and divorced twice,

as we say, "The door of the carpenter is off its hinges!"

Last but not least, don't forget to watch the new episodes and the old ones,

check the sources below and subscribe if you're on YouTube.

Let tell you in the end of the episode how my grandfather saw marriage,

marriage is like a barrel, the first 5 cm are full of honey but the rest aren't.

"Hold a second Abo Hmeed, it seems that I've opened the barrel upside down!"