Big Think Interview With David Schnarch | Big Think

Summary

Dr. David Schnarch, director of the Marriage and Family Health Center, discusses the complexities of love and marriage in this insightful conversation. He highlights the difference between infatuation and mature love, explaining how marriage serves as a growth process for individuals. Schnarch emphasizes the importance of differentiation, self-regulation, and navigating personal growth within relationships. He also explores the challenges couples face in maintaining intimacy and sexual desire over time, offering practical advice for rekindling passion. Ultimately, Schnarch's message is one of understanding, patience, and embracing the process of evolving together through life’s challenges.

Takeaways

• 😀 Love is a complex emotion that means different things to different people, and it evolves over time, especially in marriage.
• 😀 Romantic love, often characterized by infatuation, is a fleeting experience driven by the primitive brain, while mature love grows through self-awareness and shared experiences in a long-term relationship.
• 😀 Marriage is a 'people growing machine'—it challenges individuals to grow and mature, often leading to better sex and deeper emotional connections over time.
• 😀 Differentiation in marriage is essential: it refers to the ability to maintain your identity while being emotionally connected to your partner.
• 😀 Sex is a barometer for the health of a relationship. When individuals face personal growth challenges, it often affects their sexual relationship, but this is not a permanent state.
• 😀 Communicating effectively is critical in relationships, but true growth comes when both partners learn to hold on to themselves and manage anxiety without overreacting.
• 😀 Many couples struggle with maintaining intimacy and passion, especially after years together, but this doesn't mean love is dead; it can be rekindled through conscious efforts.
• 😀 Real passion in relationships is about making love personal and connected to the emotional and psychological well-being of both partners.
• 😀 Valentine's Day and traditional gifts like lingerie or candy often fail to reignite passion and may even highlight what couples lack in their relationships.
• 😀 Research reveals that a significant percentage of couples experience a lack of desire or intimacy, but knowing this is normal helps couples approach their challenges with hope and practical solutions.
• 😀 The low-desire partner in a relationship often holds control over the sexual dynamic, and mutual respect and understanding can help reignite passion without relying on external factors like aphrodisiacs.

Q & A

What is the main distinction Dr. David Snar makes between initial romantic love and mature love?

Dr. Snar distinguishes between the infatuation-driven romantic love, which is based on the primitive parts of the brain and can be overwhelming and short-lived, and mature love, which develops over time through personal growth and shared experiences in a long-term relationship.

What does Dr. Snar mean by marriage being a 'people-growing machine'?

Dr. Snar uses the term 'people-growing machine' to explain that marriage challenges individuals to grow emotionally, develop a deeper understanding of themselves, and strengthen their emotional maturity, which, in turn, helps sustain love and intimacy in the long term.

Why does Dr. Snar emphasize the concept of 'differentiation' in relationships?

Differentiation is about maintaining individuality while being emotionally connected to your partner. Dr. Snar highlights this as essential for maintaining a healthy relationship because it allows both partners to grow independently without losing the emotional bond they share.

How does Dr. Snar view the relationship between communication and relationship success?

While communication is important, Dr. Snar argues that it alone cannot sustain a relationship. Instead, he stresses that learning to emotionally regulate oneself, understand personal boundaries, and tolerate growth-related pain are more crucial factors in sustaining a healthy partnership.

What role does 'holding on to yourself' play in a successful marriage, according to Dr. Snar?

Dr. Snar believes that in order to have a strong, lasting relationship, both partners need to retain their individuality and emotional stability. This self-sufficiency creates a foundation where both partners can fully engage with each other without over-relying on one another for validation.

What common myth about marriage and sex does Dr. Snar address?

Dr. Snar dispels the myth that marriage kills passion and desire. He suggests that, rather than extinguishing intimacy, the challenges faced in a long-term relationship often lead to a more profound and satisfying sexual connection as both partners grow and mature.

How does Dr. Snar suggest couples can rekindle passion in their relationship?

Dr. Snar recommends activities that promote emotional intimacy, such as 'heads on pillows,' where partners lie close, gazing at each other, to foster deeper connection. This approach helps couples move beyond physical gestures and reconnect on a personal level.

What does Dr. Snar say about the commercialization of Valentine's Day and its impact on relationships?

Dr. Snar critiques the commercialization of Valentine's Day, stating that buying gifts like candy or lingerie doesn't automatically rekindle passion. Instead, he emphasizes that true passion and connection come from genuine emotional engagement, not material gifts or superficial gestures.

How does Dr. Snar explain the phenomenon of the 'low desire partner' in relationships?

Dr. Snar explains that the low desire partner often has control over the sexual aspect of the relationship, not because they are intentionally withholding, but because they decide which initiations from the high desire partner they will accept. This dynamic is often misunderstood and not gender-specific.

What is Dr. Snar's perspective on the 'two-choice dilemma' in marriage?

The 'two-choice dilemma' refers to situations in marriage where partners must navigate difficult decisions that cannot be resolved by simply agreeing to disagree. These include major issues like whether to have sex, have children, or manage finances, all of which require active decision-making and mutual compromise.