How Understanding Conflict Can Help Improve Our Lives | Robin Funsten | TEDxTryon

Summary

In this compelling narrative, a professional mediator recounts the distressing incident of accidentally locking her child in a car, highlighting the conflict that arose with the car dealership over a malfunctioning smart key. The story delves into the roots of conflict, stemming from limited resources, unmet needs, and differing values, and emphasizes the importance of balancing emotions, logic, and empathy in resolving disputes. The mediator's personal experience serves as a powerful example of how to transform a negative situation into an opportunity for positive growth, advocating for proactive conflict engagement to foster deeper understanding and peace.

Takeaways

• 🔒 The incident: A mother accidentally locked her child in a hot car with the smart key and phone inside, leading to a sense of powerlessness and urgency.
• 🚒 Emergency response: The quick arrival of the fire truck ensured the child's safety, but the mother's anger towards the car dealership was ignited.
• 🤬 Emotional reaction: The mother's fury at the car dealership highlights the intense emotions that can arise from a conflict.
• 🤝 Conflict resolution: The importance of balancing emotions, logic, and empathy in resolving conflicts was emphasized.
• 🌐 Conflict origins: Conflicts often stem from limited resources, unmet needs, and differing values.
• 💡 Identifying needs: Recognizing unmet needs and distinguishing between wants and needs can provide clarity for long-term conflict solutions.
• 🤔 Value differences: Conflicts can arise from differing values and beliefs, which are central to personal and societal disagreements.
• 👂 Listening and validation: The car dealership's customer service manager validated the mother's feelings and explained the situation logically, demonstrating effective conflict resolution.
• 💭 Reflecting on conflict: The mother took a step back to reflect on the conflict, considering the roots and the parties involved.
• 💰 Resource considerations: The conflict involved financial strain and the dealership's responsibility, highlighting the complexity of resource management in conflicts.
• 👶 Safety and respect: The need for safety, power, and respect were central to the mother's conflict with the car dealership.
• 🔑 Personal responsibility: The mother realized the importance of personal responsibility in conflict resolution, acknowledging the need to pay for car repairs even if it's due to a mistake.
• 🌟 Growth through conflict: The script concludes with the idea that conflict can be an opportunity for positive growth and change, encouraging proactive engagement in conflicts.

Q & A

What was the initial problem the narrator faced with their car?

The narrator's car locked automatically with their young son, Oliver, and the smart key inside, leaving the child in a hot car.

How did the narrator handle the situation after the car locked?

The narrator quickly found a phone to borrow, called 911, and informed everyone around about the smart key malfunction.

What was the narrator's profession and how does it relate to the story?

The narrator is a professional mediator, which is relevant because the story involves conflict resolution and understanding the roots of conflict.

What are the three main routes to conflict according to the script?

The three main routes to conflict are limited resources, unmet needs, and different values.

How can identifying unmet needs help in resolving conflicts?

Identifying unmet needs can provide deeper clarity towards a long-term solution by understanding what is driving the conflict.

What role does empathy play in conflict resolution?

Empathy helps in understanding how others are affected and validating their feelings, which is crucial for effective conflict resolution.

How did the car dealership's customer service manager, Jon, handle the situation with the narrator?

Jon listened carefully, validated the narrator's feelings, explained the issue logically, and offered to check the key without guaranteeing a free fix.

What was the narrator's initial emotional reaction to the car dealership's response?

The narrator was furious and felt that the car dealership should be fully responsible for the malfunctioning key.

What realization did the narrator come to after reflecting on the conflict?

The narrator realized that they were being reactive and that the car dealership had its own limitations and values, prompting a deeper understanding of the situation.

What advice does the narrator give for engaging in conflicts?

The narrator advises taking a step back, being vulnerable, accountable, and realistic, and trusting that understanding conflicts deeply can lead to peace and growth.

What is the narrator's final takeaway on conflict and its role in personal growth?

The narrator suggests that deeper understanding and peace are possible not through the absence of conflict, but by seizing opportunities for growth created by conflict.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 Trapped in a Hot Car: A Mother's Conflict with a Smart Key

The narrator recounts an incident where her son, Oliver, was accidentally locked in a car on a hot day along with the smart key and phone. She expresses her frustration and powerlessness, leading to a confrontation with the car dealership. The story serves as an introduction to the narrator's profession as a mediator and her love for conflict as an opportunity for growth. The paragraph explores the three main routes of conflict: limited resources, unmet needs, and different values, using the car incident as an example.

05:01

🤯 Emotional Response to Conflict: Balancing Emotions, Logic, and Empathy

This paragraph delves into the emotional response to conflict, emphasizing the importance of balancing emotions, logic, and empathy. The narrator uses her experience with the car dealership to illustrate how these elements can be applied in conflict resolution. She describes her initial anger and how the customer service manager's empathy and logic helped her to see the situation from a different perspective. The paragraph also discusses the difficulty of being neutral in one's own conflicts and the need for deeper understanding and accountability.

10:08

🌱 Growth Through Conflict: Understanding and Engaging in Daily Disputes

The final paragraph focuses on the idea that growth and peace can be achieved through conflict rather than in the absence of it. The narrator encourages the audience to understand the roots of daily conflicts by examining the challenges to resources, needs, and values. She shares her realization about the car key incident and how it led to a deeper understanding and a change in her behavior. The paragraph concludes with a call to action to engage in conflicts bravely and seek long-term solutions that benefit everyone involved.

Keywords

💡Smart Key

A smart key is a type of keyless entry system that allows a vehicle to be locked or unlocked without a traditional key. In the video, the smart key is central to the conflict as it malfunctions and locks the speaker's baby in the car, leading to a sense of powerlessness and the subsequent interaction with the car dealership.

💡Conflict

Conflict in this context refers to a disagreement or struggle between parties with opposing needs, values, or interests. The video discusses conflict as an opportunity for positive growth and transformation, using the car key incident as an example of how conflicts arise and can be resolved through understanding emotions, logic, and empathy.

💡Emotions

Emotions are the feelings that individuals experience and are a significant aspect of the video's theme. They are used to identify deep values and needs and to indicate when change is necessary. In the script, the speaker's emotions of anger and fear are triggered by the smart key incident, which is a catalyst for the conflict resolution process.

💡Logic

Logic is the use of reason and sound judgment to identify the roots of a conflict and address the challenges it presents. In the video, logic helps the speaker understand the car dealership's perspective and the limitations of the warranty, which is crucial for moving towards a solution.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is highlighted in the video as a key component in conflict resolution. The car dealership's customer service manager demonstrates empathy by validating the speaker's feelings and acknowledging the scary situation, which helps to de-escalate the conflict.

💡Resources

Resources in the video refer to limited assets such as time, money, and property that can lead to conflict when demands are placed on them. The speaker mentions financial strain as a limited resource in the context of paying to fix the smart key, which is a root cause of the conflict.

💡Needs

Needs are the fundamental requirements that drive actions and can lead to conflict when they are unmet. The video discusses the importance of identifying unmet needs and distinguishing between wants and true needs. The speaker's need for safety and the car dealer's need for respect are examples of needs that are part of the conflict.

💡Values

Values are the principles and standards that guide beliefs and actions. The video emphasizes the role of differing values in creating conflict, such as the speaker's belief in responsibility for wrongdoing and the car dealer's belief in the limitations of warranty coverage.

💡Mediator

A mediator is a professional who facilitates the resolution of disputes by helping parties to communicate and negotiate. The speaker identifies as a professional mediator, which influences their perspective on conflict and their approach to resolving the issue with the car dealership.

💡Intention

Intention in the video refers to the purpose or goal behind an action, particularly in the context of resolving conflict. The speaker suggests that having a true intention to solve a conflict can lead to a vested interest in understanding the needs of all parties involved, which is demonstrated by the car dealership's customer service manager.

💡Accountability

Accountability is the willingness to accept responsibility for one's actions and their consequences. The video mentions being accountable as part of the process of engaging in conflicts. The speaker reflects on their own accountability in the smart key incident, considering the financial implications and the need for personal responsibility.

Highlights

A mother's experience of her child being accidentally locked in a hot car due to a smart key malfunction.

The importance of quick action and calling for help when faced with a child locked in a car.

The role of a professional mediator in handling personal conflicts and the paradox of avoiding conflict personally.

The transformative power of conflict when engaged intentionally for positive growth.

Three main routes of conflict creation: limited resources, unmet needs, and different values.

How limited resources such as time, money, and property can lead to conflict.

The impact of unmet physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs on conflict.

The role of values in conflict, including personal beliefs and societal expectations.

The process of solving conflict by balancing emotions, logic, and empathy.

A real-life example of conflict resolution with a car dealership over a malfunctioning smart key.

The importance of understanding and validating emotions in conflict resolution.

The role of logic in identifying the roots of conflict and moving towards a solution.

The challenge of being neutral in one's own conflicts due to the direct impact on personal well-being.

The concept that conflict resolution is not about blame but about understanding and addressing needs.

The idea that conflict can be an opportunity for positive change and personal growth.

The encouragement to engage in conflicts with a focus on long-term solutions that benefit all parties.

The final message on the power of conflict to create deeper understanding and peace in daily life.

Transcripts

my young son Oliver and I had been on a

walk one hot day and we got back to the

car I got him strapped in I closed his

door I went to my own door and the car

was locked my baby was locked in the hot

car along with my smart key and my phone

I quickly found a phone to borrow and I

called 911 and while I was waiting I

made sure to tell everyone around that

my car has a smart key and it's not

supposed to be able to get locked into

the car aka this is obviously not my

fault you see this key had worked to

keep me from locking my keys in the car

many times before so I was appalled that

in this moment my baby was locked in the

car and I felt powerless the fire truck

arrived quickly and Oliver was out and

safe but me I was furious I immediately

called the car dealership demanding that

they fix the key that I was not gonna

pay for it and how dare they endanger my

son you think that as a professional

mediator I may have a more even killed

response to a conflict like this what's

more is that I even often say that I

love conflict what I don't usually say

is that I tend to personally avoid

conflict fighting and disagreements with

others can be frustrating and scary so

why would I choose a career in engaging

with other people's conflicts on a

regular basis well through witnessing

time and time again the amazing

transformation that can happen when we

engage conflict

intentionally I've seen that conflicts

can be opportunities for positive growth

let's look at how conflict is created

and see how our solutions can become

simpler and our outcomes can become

positive conflict lies in three main

routes and in their descriptors limited

resources unmet needs and different

values our resources are things like

time money and property having demands

on our time limits to our funds or a

challenge to our personal property often

leads to conflict have you ever not had

enough money not enough time

how about had someone still borrowing

that lawnmower they got from you four

years ago these limits are the seeds of

some conflicts and sometimes simply

feeling like our resources are limited

can lead to conflict as well the second

route to conflict is having our needs

unmet in some way we all have physical

emotional mental and spiritual needs

that drive our actions when these needs

aren't being met or even if we feel like

their unmet then we have a very human

and emotional reaction to meet them and

that can lead to conflict as well

identifying which needs aren't being met

as well as assessing what a want versus

a true need can help with deeper clarity

towards a long-term solution and finally

our values this is where all of our

shoulds live you should do this you

should think this way you should act

this way or you shouldn't wear that when

we're shooting on ourselves or on others

things get messy

having different values from someone

else is the stuff of politicians and

drunk uncles it's also the stuff of

philosophers and great visionaries this

is where family arguments big world

issues and all of the isms in our lives

are created and also where they get

challenged our willingness to

proactively address these deep held

values is certainly an opportunity for

positive change so solving a conflict

comes first with noticing the emotions

that come up and taking a moment to

intentionally create a balance between

our emotions our logic and empathy our

emotions help us identify where our deep

values and needs are and indicate when

something needs to change when we use

logic it helps us identify the roots of

the conflict and to address the

challenges that they present moving us

towards a solution empathy helps us

understand how others are affected and

to validate them for feeling that way

remember my anger about the SmartKey

with the car dealer well I was furious

that the malfunctioning key had almost

killed my baby here's where the

effective conflict resolution began and

notice it didn't begin with me the

mediator Jon the customer service

manager at the car dealership listened

carefully to me while I tried to

convince him that it was all his fault

then he began to validate my feelings

empathy he said I'm so sorry that

happened to you and your son I have kids

myself

and I imagine that was very scary then

he brought in some logic and explained

the issue for me is that I cannot

guarantee that your car or key will not

have technical issues your key had

worked many times before and we're happy

to check it out but it's not under

warranty so we can't do it for free it

took me some time to actually hear what

he had to say

eventually I calmed down and I made the

appointment to get the key fixed but I

still needed to think through this a bit

I wasn't anywhere close to having logic

sometimes you need to pay to have your

car fixed weird right or empathy I don't

care what the car dealer needs or feels

they have dangered my son so I took a

step back I do teach this stuff after

all that's myself

what's my opportunity for positive

growth here what are the roots of this

conflict there are limited resources

paying to fix the key is gonna put a

financial strain on my family the other

hand John has a job description too that

limits his ability to negotiate finances

with me their unmet needs of course

there's the need of safety to consider

here my son's and also my needs for

power and respect who respects a mother

who locks her baby in the car and how

about the needs of the car dealer John

Hudson needs to be respected in his role

is a good customer service

representative as well as asserting the

importance of quality car service and

it's worth then there were the different

values to consider you see I have a

belief that if someone does someone else

wrong that they should fix it and in

this moment I believe that the car

dealer is 100% responsible for the

safety and function of my car remember

our feelings or perceptions are just as

tangible as reality when it comes to

conflict and how about the values of the

car dealer well very reasonably they

believe that unless you have a warranty

they aren't responsible to compensate a

customer for their car issues then I

realized how reactive maybe a little

enemies

while I was being due even mediators you

know we have these human reactions do

mechanics fix your brakes for free when

they wear out from use do you get free

bodywork on your car when you get

yourself into an accident nope you got

to pay for that stuff even if you're

embarrassed about your own mistakes in

the situation it is almost impossible to

be neutral in your own conflicts well I

can be entirely neutral for someone

else's arguments about how they were

hurt by gossip whose dogs were more

annoying or who threw the first punch

I cannot immediately be neutral when it

comes to my own conflicts because the

outcomes directly affect me and my

well-being having a conflict of the car

dealer about a smart key can feel like

one of those first world problems and

having a conflict with a close friend or

family member or even with big news

media and hearing about all the hard

things that are happening in our world

can heighten your amount of emotional

investment therefore likely the

intensity of your emotional reactions so

no matter who your conflict is with this

is why it is so powerful to take a step

back take a deep breath be vulnerable be

accountable be realistic

trust that it's worth it to understand

more deeply and bravely engage in your

conflicts what John knew was that if

your true intention is to solve a

conflict for good then you'll have a

vested interest in the needs of the

other people that you're in conflict

with in addition to your own so he kept

a customer that day his validation and

calm logic helped me have the space to

understand more deeply and now I never

closed my car doors without being sure I

have my keys on me no matter how smart

they are deeper understanding and deeper

peace in our daily lives and

in our world is possible not through an

absence of conflict but by seizing the

opportunities for growth created by

conflict when we engage conflicts when

they're small sometimes we can prevent

them from growing and creating larger

consequences in our lives and

communities as well as increasing our

own confidence in our abilities to

handle bigger conflicts as they do arise

so I dare you to find the roots of your

daily conflicts understand how

everyone's resources needs and values

are being challenged and focus on

long-term solutions that benefit us all

thank you