Why I refuse to unfriend my dead mom | Cattleya Daub | TEDxAPU

Summary

After losing their mother to COVID-19 during quarantine, the speaker finds solace and connection through her Facebook profile, which remains alive with memories, posts, and stories. Through revisiting her digital presence, they navigate complex emotions of grief, regret, love, and hope. Drawing on the continuing bonds theory, the speaker illustrates how social media allows mourners to maintain ongoing relationships with the deceased, transforming loss into a space for remembrance and connection. Ultimately, the narrative reveals that grief doesn’t mean forgetting—it means carrying forward love and creating new ways to honor and remain connected with those we have lost.

Takeaways

• 😀 Social media, like Facebook, can serve as a space where we continue to connect with loved ones who have passed away.
• 😀 Grief is a deeply personal experience, and the digital age has transformed how people process it.
• 😀 The speaker's mother, despite passing away from COVID-19, remains present through her Facebook posts and memories.
• 😀 Revisiting a deceased loved one's social media can evoke a mix of emotions, including regret, anger, optimism, and love.
• 😀 The 'continuing bonds theory' explains that staying connected with deceased loved ones is part of healthy grieving.
• 😀 Digital memorials allow communities to share memories, stories, and support beyond the immediate family.
• 😀 The speaker chooses not to memorialize or deactivate the profile, embracing its chaos and authenticity as a reflection of their mother.
• 😀 Grief doesn't necessarily mean ending; it can mean carrying forward the love and memory of someone in new ways.
• 😀 Social media profiles of the deceased can evolve into living testaments, co-constructed by friends, family, and acquaintances.
• 😀 Technology provides a medium to transform grief into something beautiful, allowing people to continue bonds, create stories, and express love.

Q & A

What event triggered the narrator's emotional reflection in the video?

The narrator received a Facebook memory notification from their deceased mother, which initially scared them and led to a reflection on grief and connection.

What illness did the narrator's mother suffer from, and what caused her death?

The narrator's mother was diagnosed with neurogenic diabetes insipidus, a rare neurological disorder, but she ultimately passed away due to COVID-19.

Why was the narrator unable to attend their mother’s funeral?

Quarantine laws during the COVID-19 pandemic prohibited attendance, so the mother was buried alone and the family grieved in isolation.

How did the mother use Facebook during her life?

She treated Facebook as a personal diary, sharing daily activities, embarrassing moments, and acts of kindness, including raising awareness for neighbors affected by disasters.

What emotional responses did the narrator experience when visiting their mother’s Facebook profile?

The narrator experienced a mix of regret, optimism, and anger, reflecting on missed opportunities, good days their mother had, and frustration over her death.

What is the 'continuing bonds theory' mentioned in the transcript?

It is a psychological concept suggesting that grief is not about severing bonds with the deceased but finding ways to maintain a connection with them over time.

How does social media affect the grieving process according to the narrator and referenced studies?

Social media allows mourners to maintain ongoing interactions with deceased loved ones, with memorialized profiles often seeing increased engagement over time, helping adapt grief to the digital age.

Why did the narrator choose not to memorialize or deactivate their mother’s Facebook profile?

They wanted to preserve the profile as a chaotic, raw, and human reflection of their mother, allowing them to continue connecting with her digitally in a modern way.

How did revisiting their mother’s posts change the narrator’s understanding of their relationship?

It revealed countless expressions of love and care from their mother, transforming the profile into a testament of their bond and helping the narrator feel connected even after her death.

What broader insight about grief and human experience does the narrator offer?

Grief does not mean an end; it can mean carrying forward love. Technology allows grief to transform into something beautiful, where love, memory, and storytelling continue beyond death.

How does the narrator describe the presence of their mother in their daily life?

The mother’s presence is felt in the narrator’s emotions, actions, and family life, influencing how they love, work, and interact, showing that her legacy continues beyond social media.

What role does community play in digital grief according to the video?

Digital communities keep the memory of the deceased alive, as friends, family, and even acquaintances share stories, post memories, and maintain a collective tribute that endures over time.