Why "Nice Guys" Fall For Toxic Women
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful video, Sarah Dawn explores the complex dynamics between 'nice guys' and 'wounded women,' often drawn to each other due to unhealed childhood traumas. She delves into the subconscious patterns that lead to codependent relationships, where both parties seek validation and healing from each other, rather than within themselves. Sarah emphasizes the importance of authentic connection and the need to heal past attachments to build healthy relationships.
Takeaways
- 😔 Men from backgrounds with unhealed childhood wounds may bond with 'wounded women' due to maladaptive coping strategies formed in their youth.
- 💔 'Nice guys' often come from homes with maternal or paternal neglect, leading to a subconscious belief they must earn love and validation through pleasing others.
- 🏆 These men may overachieve in areas like academics and work to gain external validation, as a way to compensate for the lack of consistent love in their childhood.
- 🔁 The dynamic of attraction between 'nice guys' and 'toxic women' is rooted in a subconscious desire to fix and rescue each other, stemming from their respective childhood traumas.
- 🚫 Secure women who do not have issues with past relationships are less likely to be attracted to 'nice guys' as they seek a partnership rather than a rescue.
- 🔄 The initial intense attraction can lead to a power struggle in the relationship, where both parties are triggered by their past wounds and struggle with boundaries.
- 🤯 The fear of abandonment and the drive to avoid the original wound can lead to behaviors that are not authentic or healthy in the relationship.
- 💬 Communication issues arise from the fear of expressing needs and the lack of understanding of one's own emotional needs, leading to passive-aggressive behaviors.
- 🔄 The cycle of pleasing and seeking validation continues, even when it leads to disrespect and dissatisfaction, due to the deep-seated fear of abandonment.
- 👶 The behaviors in these relationships are often a replay of childhood patterns, where the individuals are acting out roles they learned from their early life experiences.
- 🌱 Healing from these patterns requires authentic self-expression, understanding one's own needs, and learning to communicate effectively without the fear of abandonment or rejection.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Sarah Dawn's video?
-The main topic of Sarah Dawn's video is exploring why men with certain backgrounds and unhealed childhood issues tend to bond with wounded or toxic women.
What does Sarah Dawn suggest is the reason behind 'nice guys' developing maladaptive coping strategies?
-Sarah Dawn suggests that 'nice guys' develop maladaptive coping strategies due to unhealed childhood wounds and the lack of consistent love in their upbringing, leading them to believe they need to earn love and validation.
What kind of childhood backgrounds does Sarah Dawn mention as contributing factors to the development of a 'nice guy'?
-Sarah Dawn mentions backgrounds such as coming from a single mother home or experiencing severe maternal or paternal neglect as contributing factors.
How does Sarah Dawn describe the mindset of 'nice guys' in terms of seeking love?
-Sarah Dawn describes the mindset of 'nice guys' as one where they feel the need to do things to achieve love because they believe they are not worthy of love just by being who they are.
What is the typical behavior of 'nice guys' in relationships according to the video?
-According to the video, 'nice guys' tend to people please, show up in certain ways, give gifts, and find someone that needs them to bring value to the relationship.
What does Sarah Dawn suggest is the subconscious desire of the women who are drawn to 'nice guys'?
-Sarah Dawn suggests that these women subconsciously desire to feel safe, to be rescued, and to have a man complete their life, often stemming from their own unhealed childhood wounds.
Why does Sarah Dawn believe that 'nice guys' and wounded women are drawn to each other?
-Sarah Dawn believes they are drawn to each other due to a shared lack of wholeness and a subconscious desire to fix one another, with the man wanting to be the hero and the woman wanting to be rescued.
What does Sarah Dawn identify as a common issue in the relationships of 'nice guys' and wounded women?
-Sarah Dawn identifies a lack of boundaries and a tendency towards codependency as common issues, leading to power struggles and emotional instability in the relationships.
How does Sarah Dawn explain the emotional outbursts and fights in these relationships?
-Sarah Dawn explains that the emotional outbursts and fights stem from unmet expectations and a lack of safety, with both parties reverting to survival behaviors formed during their childhood.
What advice does Sarah Dawn offer to 'nice guys' and those with unhealed trauma?
-Sarah Dawn advises them to be authentic, to understand and heal their attachments, to integrate their masculine aspects, and to seek validation from within rather than from others.
How can viewers gain more insights into the topic discussed by Sarah Dawn?
-Viewers can gain more insights by joining Sarah Dawn's private community through the link provided in the video description.
Outlines
💔 The Attraction to Wounded Women and Unhealed Childhood Trauma
Sarah Dawn discusses the common phenomenon where men, particularly those from backgrounds with unhealed childhood wounds, are drawn to 'wounded women'. She explains that these men often come from homes with maternal or paternal neglect, leading to a subconscious belief that they must earn love and validation through pleasing others. This mindset can manifest in overachieving behaviors and a tendency to seek validation from women who need rescuing, mirroring their own unmet needs for love and acceptance from childhood.
🔄 The Cycle of Trauma and the Struggle for Emotional Safety
This paragraph delves into the dynamics of relationships formed from a place of unhealed trauma. Both partners, each with their own childhood wounds, are drawn to each other due to a subconscious desire to 'fix' one another. The woman seeks a man who will rescue her from her insecurities, while the man seeks a woman who will validate his worth. However, this dynamic often leads to a power struggle and emotional turmoil, as both partners are triggered by their past traumas and struggle to establish healthy boundaries and authentic communication.
🚫 The Impact of Unresolved Childhood Issues on Adult Relationships
Sarah explores how unresolved childhood issues can profoundly affect adult relationships. Men who have not healed from inconsistent parental love may believe they must constantly prove themselves to be worthy of love. This can lead to behaviors such as people-pleasing and an insatiable hunger for connection, often through sex or over-the-top gestures. The woman, on the other hand, may become overly critical and resentful due to her own unmet needs, creating a cycle of emotional instability and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
🌱 Healing the Past to Foster Authentic Relationships
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of healing from past traumas to form authentic and healthy relationships. Sarah encourages men to show up authentically, without the need to earn love through grand gestures or achievements. She suggests that understanding and healing one's attachments and integrating masculine energy can help overcome the cycle of seeking validation from others. She invites viewers to join her community for further exploration and healing, concluding with an invitation for discussion and reflection on the topic.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Nice guys
💡Wounded women
💡Maladaptive coping strategies
💡People pleasing
💡Schema
💡Self-esteem
💡Trauma bonding
💡Authenticity
💡Codependency
💡Abandonment wounds
💡Rescue complex
Highlights
The video discusses the reasons why men from certain backgrounds may be drawn to 'wounded women' or toxic relationships.
Sarah Dawn introduces the concept of maladaptive coping strategies developed in childhood that influence adult relationships.
Men who didn't experience consistent love in childhood may develop a mindset of people-pleasing to gain love and validation.
The idea that 'nice guys' feel unworthy of love without doing things to achieve it is explored.
The video explains how a woman's subconscious desire for safety and the need to be rescued can lead to premature bonding.
Sarah points out that both parties in such relationships often come from a place of lack and seek to 'fix' each other.
Secure women are not interested in being rescued and prefer a partnership over people-pleasing tactics.
The video describes the intensity of attraction that can arise from both parties' unhealed childhood wounds.
The power struggle stage in relationships is highlighted, where initial bliss gives way to conflict and fear.
Sarah explains how unhealed trauma can lead to rival instincts overriding values in relationships.
The video discusses how a woman's expectations of a man can be unrealistic due to unresolved father wounds.
Men with unhealed trauma may believe they must try harder when faced with criticism or perceived rejection.
The video touches on the difficulty of achieving deep intimacy when both parties are driven by survival instincts.
Sarah emphasizes the importance of authenticity and self-awareness in avoiding destructive relationship patterns.
The concept of trauma bonding is introduced, explaining the mutual attraction to each other's wounds.
The video suggests that showing up authentically is crucial in the early stages of a relationship.
Sarah invites viewers to join her community for further discussion and support on healing from past traumas.
The video concludes with a call to action for viewers to reflect on their relationship patterns and seek change.
Transcripts
hi everyone welcome back to my channel
my name is Sarah Dawn and today we are
going to talk about why nice guys or
just in general why men who tend to come
from certain backgrounds and have some
unhealed finish business from their
childhood why do they typically bond
with Wounded women why do they fall for
toxic women what is going on behind the
scenes and I'm going to tell you I come
to you with thoughtful
expression and a thoughtful
consideration that this is neither one
of your fault these are maladaptive
coping strategies that you developed and
that she developed at a very young age
and why you are drawn to this if you
want more information on this too I just
opened up my community it's been open
for two weeks and there's almost more
than 220 men in the community so please
click the link in the description if you
want more information about my private
community so
these two people typically come from
equal and opposite ends of the spectrum
when it comes to their childhood and or
trauma that they
experience from his
perspective all he wants is to be loved
right to give his heart to someone who
won't disrespect him that he knows that
he can trust that he knows that he can
show up
for a lot of nice guys don't experience
consistent love in their childhoods they
either come from a single mother home or
they come from a situation where where
they experienced pretty severe maternal
or paternal neglect there was something
a Miss within their
background so they develop this thought
process they develop a certain schema
that I have to do things to achieve
love because I'm not necessarily worthy
of love just by being who I
am so a lot of nice guys will start to
learn people pleasing they'll start to
learn that I have to do I have to show
up a certain way I have to give gifts I
have to find someone that needs
me because that's how I bring
value if they don't need me then who am
I in relation to them okay so that is
the schema and that is the kind of
mindset that's happening on a
subconscious level that that is that you
don't know it's being formed but it is
being formed deeply within your
self-esteem and within your self-worth
so you'll overachieve you'll become the
guy who you know scholastically does
well who uses his job and his work to
gain that outside validation you start
getting these little hits and you start
realizing like oh I can study I can be
the best student I can be I can be a boy
that Mom is proud of I can be the
opposite of what my father was and never
hurt a woman and never stand up for
myself again this isn't happening at a
conscious level so then what happens you
meet a
girl or you're drawn to a woman or you
show up on a date and she's there and
Sparks are flying and there is this
attraction there's this feeling that of
exhilaration and you start moving closer
in now from her persp perspective let me
share with you what's going on with her
subconsciously that she only wants to
feel safe she's potentially been burned
by men and she'll tell you that pretty
upfront she's struggled with men leaving
her whether that's subconsciously or
consciously her father might have died
she might have had a troubled
relationship with men in her
past but a lot of times women like that
learn to bond prematurely they're very
flirtatious they're very
touchy they know that they can get a guy
with certain certain
strategies not necessarily doing it on
purpose but wearing certain types of
clothes appealing to a man's
physical attributes or or his visual
Acuity you know what I mean
um but what's really happening is that
she also has an underlying
wound that she's not good
enough that she needs to be rescued that
she needs to regulate with you that she
needs a man to complete her life she
feels somewhat empty she feels somewhat
lacking so you two both are coming into
this
situation from lack from a lack of
wholeness and there is a part of you
that is drawn to fixing one another to
to her being rescued and you being the
hero in the
story because that's that's
where you both are
comfortable a secure woman or a woman
who doesn't have a problem with the
relationships with men in her life she
doesn't want to be rescued she wants a
partnership she doesn't want you to
people please she doesn't want you to
bring her gifts she doesn't want you to
Rush the relationship like she has
boundaries she's secure with herself
there's not a hole there's not a there's
not a place inside of her that's
missing so all the tactics that you use
would not work on a secure woman she
would get turned off by that actually or
you wouldn't feel a spark because a lot
of times there's this intensity but that
intensity is coming from a place of of
wounding how every woman shows up on a
dat with a guy who she thinks could be
the one is like an insatiable
hunger it's this insatiable feeling of
Attraction of like holy
cow but a lot of times you're not
necessarily seeing all that all you're
feeling is a draw towards
her you might be like you might like her
a lot you might think that she's you
know someone that you could be with but
often times when you're so focused on
achieving a woman's atten or achieving a
woman's love it's not no so much about
the woman it's more so about getting and
capturing the
woman and then let me continue on with
the
story so what happens is typically you
get into this power struggle stage of a
relationship where the two people are
it's like Bliss it is hot it is heavy it
is going and you are in it
but at some point something kind of
shifts and you might experience this
feeling within
yourself where you either come on too
strong and you know that you fall really
hard and so a part of you kind of goes
is that happening here I need to kind of
like lay back a little bit so you
potentially begin to sabotage or you
potentially begin to run by doing two
things either literally running or
sabotaging things or going in
harder becoming more of everything that
she wants texting more being more
available being becoming even more of a
people pleaser it's like you sense that
there there starts to be this little bit
of a push and
pull because two people who don't grow
up in ideal situations in their
backgrounds with their homes there's a
lack of
boundaries so boundaries are a a crucial
part of the relationship that's missing
so the minute that conflict arises you
either you both are either going to be
triggered by your abandonment or your
Ames
wounds you're either too much I feel a
bandit so I'm going to push away to
protect myself it's like fear is driving
the behaviors in the
relationship it's not really relational
it's not really honest or authentic
because your backgrounds and what
happened in your childhood is fueling
the
attraction when you have unhealed trauma
you're Sur rival instincts will override
your values every single time because
you're so afraid of the original wound
coming back up that feeling is so strong
that you have to push it down by
mitigating
behaviors H so she once again comes on
really strong but then starts to get
very critical starts to come become very
resentful because she expects to man to
show up in ways that are potentially are
unrealistic because there's that father
wound there's that
lack so it's it's quite large it's quite
a large void to fill so it's never
really enough because it can't be enough
you're not her father you can't show up
that way so she'll start to become very
nitpicky resentful a little bit
judgmental and you'll be going what
happened to this girl that was so sweet
and so
kind now she's has emotional outbursts
and she's picking fights with me all the
time
and why is she doing
that it's because she's looking for
reassurance because she doesn't feel
safe but she doesn't feel safe with you
or any man thereafter or any man before
you because eventually what she's what
she's really looking for is the safety
within herself that she's missing but
she's looking for it in the arms of a
man which it's like going to Starbucks
and expecting to get a
bourbon you can't it's not going to
happen it's not work your expectations
are not aligned a relationship can only
meet
you halfway so she's expecting just too
much and then she starts to get
resentful because these resentments turn
you know these premeditated unmet
expectations that's where they turn into
resentment but the thing is is that your
mother the nice guy's mother and the guy
who has unhealed
trauma was also very inconsistent with
love so you grow up to believe that okay
if somebody's not happy with me I just
have to try
harder I have to just go in further I
have to just prove myself even more when
I when you go to get love your mother
was not necessarily there for you she
was emotionless she couldn't really give
you the love you so you're going to
someone who is emulating that experience
for you because that's what you're used
to you have an insatiable hunger for
connection
and a lot of men will try and get it
through sex they want that physical
connection and they also want that
emotional connection but it feels like
games because once again you can never
really truly have this deep intimacy
with one another because intimacy right
into me you see is all about being
yourself knowing yourself being
authentic being able to speak your needs
having proper boundaries being able to
get your needs met outside of a
relationship so when the relationship
becomes codep which It ultimately will
you both are just moving into
survival you both are just going what
can I do what can I say what am I going
to do that's not going to trigger the
person what am I gonna what am I going
to say that's going to make the person
leave I can't be my authentic
self again this is all happening
underneath the
surface now with her when a when a man
doesn't fulfill her expectations she
becomes reactive overcritical
but again it's just a little girl
screaming for help because she wants
that re Assurance deep down she's
potentially thinking that you're done
that you're going to leave that you that
you can't handle this and she'll fight
even harder to get you to pay attention
she doesn't want to that's not her
intention but she has no other choice
she is living as a little girl did back
at 10 years old when that original wound
take took place and of course you're
thinking I don't want this I'm just
going to shut down I'm going to begin
people pleasing I'm going to just I just
don't want this I want peace but all the
while you are a volcano that's about to
erupt you feel so
disrespected but you're either too
afraid to leave or you're too afraid to
voice your
opinion because you don't you don't even
know how to do that you're so out of
touch with what's happening inside of
you and you have been for so long
because you've pushed down your
emotional needs that's your that's your
normal cuz you hate disappointing people
men are men want to be of service you
want to be of service to a good woman
that's that's it's that's not only your
nature but it's what a good man does but
you do it at the sacrifice of your own
authenticity you do it at the sacrifice
of your own needs of your own wants in
spite of someone disrespecting you you
do it because you're also terrified of
the abandonment you're also terrified of
what's going to happen or you either
abandon you or you self-sabotage because
that's it you're done so I say all this
because you all can never really be
truly authentic with
yourself you hide things you hold
secrets you become passive aggressive
you give the silent treatment when you
don't get your needs met you don't know
how to how to really communicate at a
deep level at a depth of
connection because there is fear
underlying it so you're constantly
changing your behaviors you're
constantly working out of
survival that was formed when you were
children so this is a very very very
very familiar
pattern where it's hot in the beginning
you're attracted to each other's
wounding you're attracted to each
other's underlying childhood traumas
that's what they call trauma bonding
it's really just an energy of how you
are in the world at any given time and
if you sense that if a woman is sensing
that rescuer mindset and you're sensing
that you're getting validation from
pleasing her might I suggest to
you that that is a recipe for
disaster and you need to pay very very
close
attention to why you feel the need to
show
up with doing with re with earning love
with planning fancy dates with leading
with your achievements and your
accomplishments with doing things like
dropping off cards and Starbucks and
going out of your way to show a woman
that you like her or that you're
interested you need to you none of that
for the first couple of months you need
to show up authentically as you are and
I talk about this in my
community understanding how to heal your
attachments at a deeper level because
that's what really is at the core of
this is
unhealed stuff from the
past learning how to properly integrate
into your masculine
learning how to properly integrate into
healing the parts of you that are still
looking for validation that are still
living from that little boy
place so if you want to do that click
the link in the description let's go I
have a lot of experience on this topic
and I can't wait to see you in my
community but until next time I hope
this resonated with you tell me what
resonated with you in the comments and
let's have a discussion about it
all right thank you so much and I'll see
you on the next one
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