Try THIS the Next Time You Have an Uncomfortable Conversation | Simon Sinek
Summary
TLDRThe speaker emphasizes the importance of developing human skills, particularly the ability to have uncomfortable conversations. They suggest that avoiding such conversations can perpetuate discomfort and damage relationships. Instead, one should lean into the tension and ask for permission to engage in the conversation. The speaker outlines a method involving expressing feelings, identifying specific behaviors, and discussing potential impacts. They share a personal story of successfully navigating an uncomfortable conversation with a friend, which resulted in a stronger relationship. The key takeaway is to practice this skill by actually having these conversations.
Takeaways
- 🧐 The importance of human skills: Being human requires effort and the ability to have uncomfortable conversations is one such skill.
- 💨 Avoidance is not the solution: Running away from discomfort can perpetuate issues and damage relationships.
- 🤝 Leaning into tension: Engaging with discomfort is a healthier approach than avoidance.
- 🗣️ Preparing for the conversation: Informing the other person that an uncomfortable conversation is needed can help them prepare and be less defensive.
- 😟 Acknowledging fear: It's okay to express apprehension about having the conversation and to ask for patience.
- 🙏 Asking for permission: Always ask if it's okay to have the conversation, respecting the other person's readiness.
- 🔑 The FBI method: Use Feelings, Behavior, and Impact to structure the conversation effectively.
- 👍 Being specific: Use concrete examples to avoid generalizations that can lead to misunderstandings.
- 🌟 Addressing concerns: Discussing the potential negative impacts of not addressing the issue can help in resolving the problem.
- 💪 Practice makes perfect: The skill of having uncomfortable conversations improves with practice and actual engagement.
Q & A
Why is it important to have uncomfortable conversations according to the speaker?
-The speaker emphasizes the importance of uncomfortable conversations as a necessary human skill. Being able to address discomfort directly helps to avoid perpetuating issues, which can lead to broken relationships.
What are the common responses to discomfort mentioned in the script?
-The script mentions two common responses to discomfort: running away from it or leaning into the tension. The speaker suggests that avoidance is not the best option as it can perpetuate discomfort and damage relationships.
How does the speaker suggest preparing for an uncomfortable conversation?
-The speaker suggests preparing for an uncomfortable conversation by first stating what's about to happen, which allows the other person to take a deep breath and be less defensive.
What is the significance of asking permission before having an uncomfortable conversation?
-Asking permission before having an uncomfortable conversation is important because it shows respect for the other person's readiness and mindset to engage in such a discussion. It also prevents the conversation from being sprung on them unexpectedly.
What does the speaker mean by 'leaning into the tension'?
-To 'lean into the tension' means to confront the discomfort or issue directly rather than avoiding it. This approach is recommended as a better way to deal with discomfort and to prevent the escalation of problems.
What is the acronym 'FBI' used for in the context of having an uncomfortable conversation?
-The acronym 'FBI' stands for Feelings, Behavior, and Impact. It is a mnemonic used to structure the conversation by addressing one's feelings, the specific behavior that caused those feelings, and the potential impact if the behavior continues unchanged.
Why is it important to be specific when labeling the behavior that caused discomfort?
-Being specific when labeling the behavior that caused discomfort helps to avoid generalizations like 'you always' which can lead to defensiveness and counterarguments. It allows for a more focused and productive conversation.
How does the speaker describe the outcome of their recent uncomfortable conversation with a friend?
-The speaker describes the outcome as fantastic. The conversation led to both parties opening up about their insecurities and fears, resulting in a stronger and better relationship than before.
What is the speaker's advice on practicing the skill of having uncomfortable conversations?
-The speaker advises practicing the skill by actually having uncomfortable conversations. This practice helps in learning and improving the ability to address issues directly and effectively.
What is the potential negative outcome if uncomfortable conversations are avoided according to the script?
-If uncomfortable conversations are avoided, the script suggests that the issues can escalate, potentially leading to ongoing tension and even the destruction of relationships.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of addressing discomfort in relationships?
-The speaker emphasizes the importance because addressing discomfort can lead to a deeper understanding between individuals, stronger bonds, and the growth of the relationship, rather than letting it fester and potentially ruin the connection.
Outlines
🗣️ Embracing Uncomfortable Conversations
The speaker discusses the necessity of engaging in uncomfortable conversations as a part of human development. They emphasize that unlike animals, humans must actively work on their social skills, including addressing discomfort that arises from interpersonal issues. The speaker rejects avoidance as a solution, suggesting that it can exacerbate discomfort and damage relationships. Instead, they advocate for confronting the tension directly, which can be done in various ways. However, without the proper skills, such confrontations can escalate into arguments and ruin relationships. The speaker shares their personal approach to initiating these conversations, including giving a heads-up to the other person and asking for their permission to proceed, which can help in reducing defensiveness and setting the stage for a more productive dialogue.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Uncomfortable Conversations
💡Human Skills
💡Leaning into Tension
💡Avoidance
💡Confrontation
💡Skill Set
💡Permission
💡FBI Mnemonic
💡Specificity
💡Relationships
💡Practice
Highlights
The importance of human skills in having uncomfortable conversations.
Being uncomfortable is part of the human experience.
Avoidance is not the best option for dealing with discomfort.
Leaning into tension is a better way to handle discomfort.
Confrontation can escalate discomfort into arguments and destroyed relationships.
The necessity of developing the skill to have uncomfortable conversations.
Approaching uncomfortable conversations by stating the intent.
Allowing the other person to prepare for the conversation.
Asking for permission to have the conversation.
Being transparent about the fear of having the conversation.
The importance of addressing issues rather than avoiding them for the sake of relationships.
Engaging in FBI: Feelings, Behavior, and Impact.
Being specific when describing feelings and behaviors.
Avoiding generalizations to prevent misunderstandings.
Labeling the specific behavior that caused discomfort.
Expressing the potential impact if the behavior continues unaddressed.
A personal example of having an uncomfortable conversation with a friend.
The positive outcome of the conversation leading to a stronger relationship.
Encouragement to practice and learn the skill of having uncomfortable conversations.
Transcripts
here's a question I get fairly often
which is how to have uncomfortable
conversations as you know I talk about
the importance of human skills cats
don't have to work very hard to be cats
it comes pretty naturally to them but
for us as human beings we actually have
to work very hard to be human and one of
those human skills that we need to
practice is how to have uncomfortable
conversations being uncomfortable is
part of being human and sometimes
discomfort is caused by something we
have with another person whether
professionally or personally there is a
tension that causes discomfort now there
are many ways to respond to that
discomfort we can run away from it that
is an option avoidance is always an
option I don't think it's the best
option because then it just perpetuates
the discomfort or breaks relationships
the better way to deal with it is to
lean into the tension now there are also
multiple ways to lean into tension if
you want to have a confrontation with
someone if you want to lean into that
tension and have an uncomfortable
conversation too often when we don't
have the skill set it gets worse and
explodes and becomes an argument and
sometimes also ends in a destroyed
relationship
so the skill of having an uncomfortable
conversation is essential this is how I
do them in fact I just had one recently
with a friend and it went like this I
need to have an uncomfortable
conversation with you
by by stating what's about to happen it
lets the person take a deep breath and
know what's about to happen is leaning
into tension it also lets them be
prepared and be a little less defensive
um if you don't trust your skills on how
to have an uncomfortable conversation
then say something like this I need to
have an uncomfortable conversation with
you I'm afraid of having this
conversation because I'm afraid that
I'll say the wrong thing or it'll come
out the wrong way and make things worse
so please be patient with me as I try to
Fumble through this and get out what I
need to tell you but it's more important
to me that I have this conversation with
you and try and address this situation
then avoid it because this relationship
matters to me and I want to go through
this with you
can we have that conversation and I
always do that I always ask permission
can we have that conversation can I have
this conversation with you now because
they may not be in the mindset forth
they may say yes I won't have this
conversation but can we have it in an
hour right so as opposed to being sprung
on them so I have to have enough I have
to have an uncomfortable I have to have
an uncomfortable conversation with you
can I have it now yes okay now you want
to engage in something called FBI it's
just a mnemonic you can do it in any
order but you have to have all three
your feelings
the behavior that made you that made you
feel that way and the potential impact
of the behavior doesn't change
be specific as you can feelings do
better than happy sad angry I'm really
frustrated or
um I was put on edge or I'm feeling
distant from you or I'm uncomfortable
because then label the behavior that
they did that made you feel that way and
again be really really specific avoid
things like you always dot dot dot
because they'll tell you the one time
that they didn't and now you're
backpedaling pick the most egregious or
the most recent one and talk about that
situation
and how whatever they did made you feel
a certain way and your fear that if that
continues over it's not goes unaddressed
that something will happen maybe you
know there'll always be tension between
us and the relationship will break and
that's exactly what I did with my friend
um it's a relatively new friend
something happened that made it
uncomfortable
um I said I need to have an
uncomfortable conversation with you
um just fumble through this with me I
don't wanna but this relationship
matters to me and so I want to have this
conversation I addressed what the
situation was
and then I said my fear is that if you
and I don't lean into this now that this
this this little French this friendship
this uh this sprouting of a friendship
that we're having will get destroyed and
I would actually rather see it grow
and we had a very uncomfortable
conversation and it turned out to be
fantastic because we ended up opening up
to each other and revealing various
insecurities and fears that were both
triggered by each other and it was just
fantastic and the relationship is even
better now than it was before so
please please please practice and learn
the skill of having uncomfortable
conversations and the way you're going
to practice them is by actually having
them
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