Grief, it's Complicated.....10% of the Time | Susan Delaney | TEDxUCD

Summary

Grief is often misunderstood as a linear process with stages to move through, but it is a transformative experience that doesn't offer closure. While everyone experiences grief differently, it doesn't follow a predictable path, and it can be messy, non-linear, and complex. For some, grief becomes 'complicated,' where it gets stuck and disrupts life. Specialized intervention can help individuals move forward when grief becomes chronic. Understanding grief as an adaptive process, rather than something to 'get over,' is crucial for healing, and professional help is essential for those facing complicated grief.

Takeaways

• 😀 Grief is not a linear process and cannot be 'gotten over.' It changes us and transforms us permanently.
• 😀 The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are misconceptions; there's no set formula for processing grief.
• 😀 Grief impacts everyone differently, and there's no set timeframe for how long it lasts or how it manifests.
• 😀 Grief doesn't 'go away'—we grow around it, adapting to the loss without forgetting the person.
• 😀 The idea of 'getting over' grief is more applicable to physical conditions (like the flu) but doesn't apply to emotional pain.
• 😀 Grief is a messy, unpredictable experience where individuals may experience a mix of emotions, including anger, guilt, sadness, relief, and even joy.
• 😀 Grief is cyclical, often resembling a figure-eight, where people experience both progress and setbacks in their emotional recovery.
• 😀 Just as we need physical healing for bodily injuries, our psychological 'immune system' helps us heal emotionally through resilience and support from others.
• 😀 Attachment to loved ones is fundamental to human survival, and their death disrupts our sense of stability, leading to grief.
• 😀 Complicated or persistent complex grief occurs when grief doesn't move or progress, causing long-term emotional distress and difficulty functioning.
• 😀 It's important to recognize complicated grief as a real issue that may require specialized treatment, as traditional support may not be enough.

Q & A

What is the common misconception about the five stages of grief?

The common misconception is that grief follows a set, linear progression through five stages. In reality, grief does not follow a specific order and there is no closure. It's a process that affects people differently and doesn't have a definitive endpoint.

What metaphor does the speaker use to explain grief, and how does it work?

The speaker uses the metaphor of a ball in a jar to explain grief. Initially, grief is overwhelming like a large ball in a small jar. As time passes, the jar (the person) grows around the grief, helping them accommodate it. The grief doesn't lessen, but the individual becomes better able to cope with it.

What is the difference between grief and the flu, according to the speaker?

Grief is often compared to the flu in terms of its impact, but while the flu symptoms diminish over time, grief doesn't simply fade. Instead, grief transforms us and changes our lives permanently. Unlike illness, grief cannot be 'cured' but must be adapted to.

How does grief manifest emotionally, and why is it so complex?

Grief is emotionally complex because it involves a wide range of feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt, relief, and even happiness. People grieving may experience all these emotions on the same day or at different times, making grief unpredictable and difficult to process.

What does the speaker mean by 'complicated grief,' and what are its signs?

Complicated grief, or persistent complex grief, occurs when grief becomes 'stuck' and doesn't move forward. Signs include constant yearning for the deceased, intrusive thoughts, intense guilt, and an inability to engage with life in a productive way. This type of grief can last for years and prevent the person from finding joy or meaning.

Why does the speaker stress that grief changes us permanently?

The speaker emphasizes that grief changes us permanently because it transforms the way we relate to life and those around us. While we may grow around our grief, it becomes a part of who we are, and we cannot return to the person we were before the loss.

What role do attachment figures play in grief?

Attachment figures are crucial in grief because they help regulate our emotions and provide stability. Losing someone who mattered deeply to us affects not just our emotional state but also our physical well-being, as we function better when in proximity to these attachment figures.

How do people typically cope with grief in the first six months after a loss?

In the first six months after a loss, people often develop narratives that help them make sense of their grief, such as finding comfort in the idea that their loved one is no longer suffering. These narratives help them process their emotions and begin to adapt to life without their loved one.

Why is it important to seek professional help for complicated grief?

Professional help is important for complicated grief because traditional supportive counseling may not be enough to address the intense and persistent symptoms. Specialized interventions, such as therapy, are needed to help the individual move forward and regain a sense of stability in their life.

How does the speaker compare complicated grief to a fractured arm?

The speaker compares complicated grief to a fractured arm, stating that just as a broken arm requires medical intervention to heal properly, complicated grief also requires specialized treatment. Ignoring or downplaying complicated grief can lead to further distress and prevent healing.