Write your own invitation: how to make friends as an adult man
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion Taban discusses the concept of 'writing your own invitation' to gain access to desired groups or individuals. He explains that instead of waiting for an invitation, one must create value to attract attention. Taban shares his personal motivation for creating his channel, Psyx, to connect with respected figures by offering valuable content. He emphasizes the importance of providing value in relationships, especially for men, to combat loneliness and build connections. Taban's insights highlight the necessity of offering something of worth to secure a place in others' lives.
Takeaways
- 📝 To gain access to desired groups or individuals, one must often take the initiative to 'write their own invitation' by demonstrating value.
- 🌟 Dr. Orion Taban's channel, psyx, aims to reduce unnecessary suffering and was also motivated by a personal desire to engage with respected figures.
- 💼 Taban was not primarily driven by money or fame but by the aspiration to have meaningful conversations with influential people.
- 🤝 To be noticed by busy and successful individuals, one must offer something of value that makes interacting with them worthwhile.
- 🔄 The concept of 'opportunity cost' is crucial; successful people must choose how to spend their time, and one must provide value to compete for their attention.
- 📈 Taban emphasizes that providing value is more important than the ideas discussed, as it influences decisions about time allocation.
- 💡 His book, 'The Value of Others,' explores an economic model of relationships and offers advice on navigating the 'sexual marketplace'.
- 🧠 Men are particularly advised to understand the importance of value in relationships due to a societal trend of male loneliness.
- 👥 Making new friendships as an adult man involves leveraging one's value to increase the likelihood of meaningful interactions.
- 🌐 Taban's success in building relationships often comes from professional interactions that lead to personal connections, highlighting the importance of value in social dynamics.
Q & A
What is the main topic of Dr. Orion Taban's talk in the transcript?
-The main topic of Dr. Orion Taban's talk is about writing your own invitation, which means creating value to gain acceptance or recognition from a certain group or individual.
Why is it important to create value according to Dr. Taban?
-Creating value is important because it motivates the person or group you want to connect with to come to you or at least recognize your existence. Without sufficient value, you remain invisible to them.
What was Dr. Taban's personal motivation for creating the Psyx channel?
-Dr. Taban's personal motivation for creating the Psyx channel was to meet and converse with people he respected and admired, discussing topics of mutual interest.
How does Dr. Taban suggest one should approach meeting influential individuals?
-Dr. Taban suggests that one should build something of sufficient value that it wouldn't be a loss for influential individuals to interact with you, making the interaction competitive in the context of their optionality.
What is the primary mission of the Psyx channel according to the transcript?
-The primary mission of the Psyx channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering on the planet.
Why did Dr. Taban work without reward, recognition, or payment for a few years?
-Dr. Taban worked without reward, recognition, or payment for a few years because he knew he had to create something of value to gain the attention and interaction of the people he wanted to connect with.
What does Dr. Taban believe is essential for men to understand in the context of making new friends?
-Dr. Taban believes it is essential for men to understand that they need to cultivate sufficient value to justify the interaction, as men tend to prioritize their friendships lower and make value calculations about how to spend their time and attention.
What is the secret to making new friends as a man, according to Dr. Taban?
-The secret to making new friends as a man, according to Dr. Taban, is to figure out how to parlay your value into a relationship, which bumps you up in men's internal calculations and increases the likelihood of more interactions leading to friendships.
What book does Dr. Taban recommend for readers interested in his insights on relationships?
-Dr. Taban recommends his book 'The Value of Others' for readers interested in his insights on relationships, where he delves into his economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice.
How can one access certain opportunities according to the transcript?
-According to the transcript, one can access certain opportunities by cultivating sufficient value and being willing to assume the risk and expense of doing so in advance of the invitation.
Outlines
📝 Writing Your Own Invitation to Success
Dr. Orion Taban introduces the concept of 'writing your own invitation' as a metaphor for creating opportunities by demonstrating value. He explains that to gain acceptance or attention from a group or individual, one must actively create something valuable that prompts the desired party to engage or recognize one's existence. Taban shares his personal motivation for creating the 'psyx' channel, which is to reduce suffering and connect with respected individuals in his field. He emphasizes that he didn't start the channel for money or fame but to have meaningful conversations with interesting people. He acknowledges the importance of offering value to gain a 'seat at the table' and discusses the economic model of relationships, suggesting that his book 'The Value of Others' delves deeper into this concept.
🤝 Cultivating Value for Meaningful Relationships
In the second paragraph, Dr. Taban discusses the importance of cultivating value to access opportunities and form relationships, especially for men in the context of the 'male loneliness epidemic.' He points out that men often prioritize friendships lower than other activities due to perceived value calculations. Taban suggests that to make new friends, particularly as an adult man, one must leverage their value to increase the likelihood of interactions leading to friendships. He shares his experience of building relationships through professional interactions, such as interviews, which often lead to socializing and long-term connections. The key takeaway is the necessity of providing value to offset the potential loss one might represent without it, which is crucial for forming relationships in a busy and competitive social landscape.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Invitation
💡Value
💡Self-interested concerns
💡Opportunity cost
💡Invisible
💡Sexual Marketplace
💡Male loneliness epidemic
💡Value proposition
💡Word of Mouth
💡Economic model of relationships
Highlights
The concept of writing your own invitation to gain acceptance or recognition.
Creating value to motivate others to engage with you.
The importance of not waiting for an invitation but creating one's own opportunities.
Dr. Orion Taban's personal motivation behind creating the psyx channel.
The mission to reduce unnecessary suffering and the personal desire to meet respected individuals.
The strategy of working without immediate reward to build something of value.
The analogy of sending a cold email to a famous person and the challenges of gaining attention.
The necessity of offering value to offset the opportunity cost for busy individuals.
The idea that successful people must choose how to spend their time and attention.
The value of an audience and its role in decision-making regarding time allocation.
The book 'The Value of Others' and its exploration of an economic model of relationships.
Actionable advice on improving one's standing in the sexual marketplace.
The importance of cultivating value to justify interactions and opportunities.
The male loneliness epidemic and its implications for friendship and connection.
The tendency of men to prioritize friendships lower than other activities.
The secret to making new friends as a man by leveraging one's value.
The role of professional interactions in forming personal connections.
The necessity of providing value to be desired in relationships.
Encouragement for listeners to share their experiences and engage with the channel.
Information on how to join Dr. Taban's free newsletter and book consultations.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is write
your own invitation what does this mean
this means that if you want an in
somewhere if you want to be accepted by
a certain group or individual you
generally can't wait for an invitation
to come to you you will need to write
your own invitation and you do that by
creating something of sufficient value
to motivate the person or group you want
to get in with to come to you or at
least to recognize that you exist if you
do not do this if you do not cultivate
sufficient value then you will remain
invisible to that group or person I
guarantee
it and to illustrate what this might
look like we're going to take a peak
behind the curtain and discuss some of
my motivations in creating this channel
now the primary mission of this channel
is was and will be to reduce the amount
of unnecessary suffering on this planet
like that's not going to change and
while this might sound very Noble let's
also not pretend that I wasn't motivated
by my own self-interested concerns as
well however these concerns weren't more
money I was already making pretty good
income in my private practice or fame
I'm actually fairly introverted by
Nature what I wanted was to be able to
meet some of the the people that I
respected and
admired I heard some people talking on
YouTube and in The Wider sphere of
social discourse and I thought I would
like to have a conversation with them
these people are talking about things
that I'm interested in and I actually
know a lot about I would like a seat at
that table to talk to interesting people
about things that I care about how cool
would that be that was my personal
motivation in starting psycha and to do
this I worked for a few years without
any reward recognition or payment that's
how much I wanted it and I did this
because I knew I had to do this like
imagine I just sent a cold email to one
of these famous and important
individuals and I said hey you don't
know me but you really should I'm a
psychologist and an expert in
relationships and I'd love for the two
of us to get together so I can share my
ideas about intersexual Dynamics and we
can have a high L discussion on our
differences and commonalities let me
know when you're free like no one would
ever respond let alone take me
up on the offer and it's not because I
didn't know what I was talking about or
because we wouldn't have had a fantastic
conversation or because we couldn't even
have become friends or at least
acquaintances it's because I was a
random nobody and irrespective of what I
did or did not know or what I could or
could not do there was no way I could
access those people while I remained a
random
nobody the way to get an invitation to
that table was to build something of
such sufficient value that it wouldn't
be a loss for these people to interact
with me and trust me it would have been
a loss successful intelligent
interesting busy people have lots of
places to go and lots of people to see
consequently they have to make choices
about how to spend their time and
allocate their attention and it would be
irrational for them to give me their
time and attention as long as more
potentially rewarding opportunities were
available the opportunity cost would
just be too great so to offset that cost
I needed to be able to offer something
of value to these people to make an
interaction with me more competitive in
the context of their overarching
optionality and that's something what
the ability to command an audience with
respect to making decisions about their
time this was more important than any of
the ideas I might discuss with them do
you understand even if these people
might have genuinely and
enthusiastically been interested in
talking to me about certain things it
never would have happened had I not been
able to provide that audience which is
the value that prevents the conversation
from inflicting a loss the par parallels
to other types of relationships
especially sexual relationships should
be
obvious if you appreciate the insights
on this channel I would highly encourage
you to get your hands on a copy of my
book the value of others over the course
of 432 pages I delve deep into my
economic model of relationships and
explain the behavior of both men and
women in the game of mating and dating I
also provide a lot of actionable advice
on how to get and keep more of what you
want in the sexual Marketplace once you
read the value of others you'll never
look at relationships the same way again
now available in ebook audiobook and
paperback formats the links are in the
description to access certain
opportunities it is essential that you
cultivate sufficient value to justify
the interaction and you will likely need
to assume the risk and expense of doing
so in advance of the invitation now this
is important for all people to
understand but it is especially
important for men to understand as we
are often told we are currently in the
midst of a male loneliness epidemic and
just to be clear this doesn't just mean
single men sitting at home alone on the
couch some of the loneliest men I know
are married with kids in fact the more
people around you who don't see you or
accept accept you the lonier you tend to
be in any case there are a lot of lonely
men out there and why is that it's not
like men don't value male friendship my
male friends are some of the most
important people in my life however men
do tend to prioritize their friendships
rather low like when a friend hangs out
with me he doesn't get laid he doesn't
get paid he doesn't get stronger he
doesn't build a legacy with his children
do you see I could be the coolest
bestest friend in the world but I'm
still going to be the eighth highest
priority for my male friends and this is
because men are making value
calculations about how to spend their
time and attention which is entirely
rational For Better or Worse men don't
seem to Value connection for the sake of
connection as much as women do which is
a big part of why women aren't suffering
in the same
way now it's hard to make new friends
especially as an adult man but going to
share the secret of how to do so with
you today the way to make new friends as
a man is to figure out how to Parlay
your value into a
relationship it's the value proposition
that bumps you up several points in
men's internal calculations which will
significantly increase the likelihood
that you will have more interactions
that could potentially lead to
friendships on the surface this just
looks like a professional thing and
sometimes it is like in my case
sometimes I show up for an interview we
do the talk and I never hear from them
again but that's actually pretty rare
what happens in the vast majority of
cases is that there is a lot of back and
forth leading up to the interview and a
fair amount of interaction both before
and after the recording and generally
some socializing dinner drinks
afterwards in some cases it's almost
like the interview was kind of the
excuse to hang out with each other
and we typically stay in touch from that
point on and while I wouldn't say that
many of them are friends I've only met
some of them very recently we are
certainly on friendly terms and the
longer that goes on the more the
relationship will tend in that direction
my dudes if I can do it you can do it
this is the secret as I say in my book
it is neither the good nor the loving
nor The Virtuous who are desired for
relationships but the people
whom others want things from if you want
to be rich in relationships you will
need to be willing and able to provide
value this is not necessarily because
everyone is greedy and materialistic at
a certain point people tend to have more
than enough you need to be able to
provide value in order to offset the
loss you would constitute without it do
this and people will make space for you
and in their busy and successful lives
for most of us there is no other way to
get in the game what do you think does
this fit with your own experience let me
know in the comments below and please
send this episode to someone who you
think might benefit from its message as
it's Word of Mouth referrals like this
that really help to make the channel
grow and anyone looking to join my free
Weekly Newsletter or book a paid
consultation can do so on my website the
links to everything are in the
description below as always ways I
appreciate your support and thank you
for listening
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