How to Overcome Toxic Shame with Peter A. Levine, PhD
Summary
TLDRThis script delves into the profound impact of chronic shame, a destructive emotion rooted in trauma and betrayal. It discusses the origins of toxic shame in childhood abuse and the fear of social rejection, which can lead to a deep-seated sense of 'Badness.' The speaker guides listeners through exercises to recognize and release shame from the body, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and the journey from humiliation to pride and dignity. The script encourages healing through self-care and acceptance, suggesting resources for further support.
Takeaways
- 🔒 Chronic shame is a deeply rooted emotion that can cause significant distress, often linked to trauma and betrayal.
- 🌱 Shame can be likened to a cancerous tumor that grows from the injury of trauma and spreads to affect all aspects of life.
- 👶 The two main sources of toxic shame are childhood trauma and the fear of social ostracism.
- 👧 When children are abused, they often internalize a sense of 'Badness', believing something is fundamentally wrong with them.
- 🏠 Children may blame themselves for abuse as a survival strategy, assuming they have some control over the situation.
- 🧩 This can lead to 'splitting', where one parent is seen as 'bad' and the other as 'good', rather than understanding the complexity of relationships.
- 🤝 Social rejection, especially during adolescence, can feel like a life-threatening experience due to the importance of peer groups.
- 💔 Shame and humiliation from exclusion can cause deep emotional pain and have long-lasting effects.
- 🤔 The speaker suggests reflecting on what one would say to their adolescent self to reassure them of survival and support.
- 🧘♂️ An exercise is provided to help break the cycle of shame by noticing the physical postures associated with it and then slowly moving out of them.
- 💖 The opposite of shame is authentic pride and dignity, which can be reclaimed by recognizing and moving beyond the physical sensations of shame.
Q & A
What is chronic shame and why is it considered immobilizing?
-Chronic shame is a complex and corrosive emotion that often underlies pain, anxiety, and depression. It is described as immobilizing because it can deeply affect a person's life, causing a loss of connection with their authentic self and a sense of belonging in the world.
How does chronic shame originate from interpersonal trauma?
-Chronic shame originates from interpersonal trauma such as abuse and betrayal, which become deeply lodged in the body and mind, leading to a pervasive sense of 'Badness' and affecting all aspects of a person's life.
What are the two main sources of toxic shame mentioned in the script?
-The two main sources of toxic shame are: 1) Trauma, abuse, and humiliation experienced during childhood, leading to an overall sense of Badness; and 2) The fear of ostracism or rejection from a group, which can happen at different ages and is particularly impactful during adolescence.
How does a child's mind internalize the experience of abuse?
-A child's mind internalizes abuse by attributing the cause to their own Badness, which gives them a sense of control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. This is a primitive internalized deduction that occurs without words, context, or even thoughts, manifesting as an oppressive sensation of their own Badness.
What is the concept of 'splitting' in the context of a child's perception of their parents?
-Splitting is a psychological defense mechanism where a child perceives one parent as entirely 'bad' and the other as entirely 'good'. This occurs because the child cannot reconcile the fact that the same person who is supposed to care for them is also the source of trauma.
Why is rejection from a group considered a major cause of shame?
-Rejection from a group is a major cause of shame because it triggers deep emotional pain associated with the fear of ostracism, which in primitive societies could lead to death due to the inability to attach to another group.
How does the experience of shame during adolescence differ from other life stages?
-During adolescence, peer groups become vitally important, and exclusion from these groups can feel like a life-threatening event, causing intense shame and humiliation that can have long-lasting effects.
What exercise is suggested in the script to help break the cycle of shame?
-The script suggests an exercise where one notices the physical postures associated with shame, such as turning away, looking down, and collapsing the shoulders and diaphragm. Then, slowly coming back up, lengthening the spine and opening the chest to experience a sense of pride and dignity.
What is the opposite of shame according to the script?
-The opposite of shame is authentic pride, which helps restore a sense of dignity and bodily integrity that shame strips away.
How can one console their adolescent or pre-adolescent self according to the script?
-The script suggests envisioning oneself as an adolescent or pre-adolescent and considering what words of reassurance and support one would want to hear, focusing on the belief that the pain and humiliation will not last forever and that one will survive and be there for themselves.
What is the significance of the exercise in helping to overcome shame?
-The exercise is significant because it helps individuals to physically move from the posture of shame to a posture of pride and dignity, which can break the cycle of chronic shame and allow for self-acceptance and self-care.
Outlines
😔 Chronic Shame: Emotional Trauma and Its Impact
This paragraph discusses the profound effects of chronic shame, which is described as a complex and debilitating emotion that often underlies other mental health issues like anxiety and depression. It is likened to a cancer that grows from the injuries of trauma and betrayal. The paragraph identifies two main sources of toxic shame: first, the trauma and humiliation experienced in childhood, which leads to a pervasive sense of 'Badness'; and second, the fear of ostracization from a group, which can occur at various ages. The speaker emphasizes the deep impact of these experiences on a person's sense of self and their connection to others. The paragraph also touches on the concept of 'splitting' in children's minds, where one parent is seen as 'bad' and the other as 'good,' as a coping mechanism.
😢 The Pain of Rejection and the Adolescent Experience
The second paragraph delves into the intense pain of social rejection, particularly during adolescence when peer groups become crucial. The speaker describes the deep emotional wounds caused by exclusion and ostracism, which can feel like a form of death. The paragraph suggests that adolescents may feel this pain acutely, as it threatens their social survival. The speaker encourages the listener to consider how they might reassure their adolescent self that the pain of rejection is not permanent and that they will survive and thrive. The paragraph also introduces an exercise to help manage feelings of shame and humiliation, focusing on the physical manifestations of these emotions and how to counteract them through body posture and movement.
🤗 Overcoming Shame: Embracing Pride and Dignity
In the third paragraph, the speaker continues the discussion on shame, focusing on the physical and emotional responses to this emotion. The paragraph describes an exercise to help individuals recognize and counteract the physical manifestations of shame, such as turning away, looking down, and collapsing the shoulders. The speaker emphasizes the importance of moving from a posture of shame to one of pride and dignity, which is associated with a sense of lengthening and opening in the body. The paragraph concludes with a call to feel love and compassion for the hurt child within, and to rework past experiences to move beyond shame. The speaker also suggests resources for further healing and self-acceptance.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Chronic shame
💡Trauma
💡Authentic self
💡Toxic shame
💡Ostracism
💡Survival strategy
💡Splitting
💡Adolescence
💡Voodoo death
💡Self-care
💡Dignity
💡Posture of Shame
Highlights
Chronic shame is a complex emotion that can lead to pain, anxiety, and depression.
Shame is likened to a cancer that grows from the injury of trauma and the wound of betrayal.
Interpersonal trauma can deeply affect a person's life, causing a loss of connection with their authentic self.
There are two main sources of toxic shame: childhood trauma and the fear of group ostracism.
Childhood abuse can lead to a pervasive sense of Badness, indicating a fundamental flaw within oneself.
Ostracism from a group can cause severe emotional pain and is deeply connected to survival instincts.
The fear of rejection can be particularly impactful during adolescence when peer groups are crucial.
Shame can lead to a primitive internalized deduction that one is the cause of their own abuse.
Splitting can occur, where one parent is seen as 'bad' and the other as 'good', due to the inability to reconcile the two.
The body responds to shame with specific postures, such as turning away, looking down, and collapsing the shoulders.
An exercise is provided to help break the cycle of shame by acknowledging the body's response and moving out of the posture.
The opposite of shame is authentic pride, which can be experienced through bodily extension and lengthening.
Feeling love and compassion for the hurt or shamed child is crucial for healing from shame.
Reworking past experiences can help individuals move away from shame and towards a sense of pride and dignity.
Allowing oneself to feel worse by moving into the posture of shame and then slowly coming out can release one from its grip.
The Belarus neverstacks healing trauma audio series is recommended for further support in overcoming shame.
Transcripts
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[Music]
chronic shame is one of the most complex
corrosive and immobilizing emotions
it often underlies pain
anxiety and depression
same is like a cancer like a tumor that
grows from the injury of trauma
and the wound of betrayal
this interpersonal trauma becomes deeply
lodged in the body mind
and then
metastasizes infecting all aspects of a
person's life
they include a loss of connection with
our authentic spontaneous self
as well as with our basic sense of
goodness rightness and belonging
in the world
I believe that there are two main
sources of toxic shame
the first is when we're traumatized
abused and humiliated as young children
we experience this as an overall sense
of Badness
Badness that something is fundamentally
wrong with us
the second is the fear that comes from
being ostracized from a group
and this can happen at different ages
for a young child it's as though the
only way we can make sense of how poorly
we've been treated how we've been
mistreated especially
by those who are supposed to take care
cherish and love us
is to lay the blame on our own Badness
in other words the way that we try to
make sense of this is to somehow assume
that we or the cause of that abuse and
that shaming and that humiliation and
this allows the child to imagine
that they have some small modicum of
control
and an otherwise in controllable
situation
of course these core beliefs are the
words and explanations of the adults
so I'm speaking them from the child but
the child their mind is very different
than the than the adult mind
and
um for children
it's this primitive internalized
deduction
that occurs without words context or
even thoughts it's just an overwhelming
oppressive sensation of our own Badness
but again at least it gives us some
modicum of control because if we were
the cause of it then somehow Maybe
we could um
we could alleviate some of that shame
the child somehow senses
that we need our parents for us to
survive
if it's them that are the bad ones
then we are most certainly we won't
survive because we need them for our
survival so better us than then to carry
the Badness it is an implicit survival
strategy to regard the parent as
essentially a good
caretaker this sometimes lead to what's
called splitting that it's like we have
one parent who is the bad parent who is
only bad
and the other parent in our mind is the
good parent and so rather than being
able to hold them together they split
into those parts so let's look at the
second major cause of Shame which is
being ostracized from a group
be it family colleagues friends or peers
rejection
is among the most painful of human
emotions
anyone who has felt the sting of
rejection ostracism or shunning knows
how deeply these experiences sting and
how they
just rip us apart
and also how long that pain can last
this shame
feels like death because in tribal or
primitive groupings if one one member is
being ostracized for not living up to
not obeying the Norms of the group they
may perish
for example in a member of a primate
family group is banished or shunned they
may literally die and they're not able
to attach to another group they will
simply wither and die you know the
voodoo death it's not about putting the
needles in the doll
it's about ostracizing that person
who's being hexed
and because that's so severe
and the body gets so shut down they may
actually perish
and die but again not by the needles but
by the banishment and how profoundly
that
immobilizes us
this social mind makes us particularly
vulnerable to shame around the age of
adolescents
at this age peer groups become so
vitally important and exclusion feels
like you're dying of Shame and shame and
humiliation if you kind of visit your
adolescence and your pre-adolescence how
did it feel
when you were excluded by high school
friends or colleagues or family members
it can just be excruciating
for any of us
and you see kids like this you know you
have one friend and they're your best
friend
and then all of a sudden they don't even
talk to you and somebody else is their
best friend Ah that's wow that really
really hurts it feels horrible it feels
maybe even like death because again
banishment is
about the likelihood of death I suggest
that you might think about from the your
current adult stance what you would want
to say
to yourself as an adolescent
what you would want to say to reassure
her him or them
that their pain and humiliation won't go
on forever that they will survive it
and that you'll be there
for them
so just take some time now some moments
to Envision yourself as an adolescent or
as a pre-adolescent
and just what words would you want to
say to them
what would you want to tell them what
would you want them to know
from your stance as an adult from your
heart
from your being
and see how that feels inside
what kinds of Sensations feelings
images or thoughts come up for you come
up in your mind
as you console your adolescent self
consider journaling about these feelings
and thoughts and Sensations
whatever the cause of our shame it is
important no no it's critical
to understand that our bodies
respond to in specific ways to this kind
of emotional injury
when we continue to hold these emotional
postures of Shame which we'll be talking
about now
and the horrible feelings of humiliation
will get regurgitated over and over
again so now how do we break this
vicious cycle
here's an exercise to help
uh
uh working when feelings of shame or
humiliation come up
well you know they're there all the time
of course so the idea is to notice that
the content
and the corrosive nature of Shame
um that's also important but what's
really important and which gives us the
way of moving out of the shame is that
shame is something that happens
specifically
in our bodies
so
if there's somebody facing us or we're
imagining somebody that was facing us
we turn away from their gaze
look away and down
and then
we collapse our shoulders come forward
and we collapse around our diaphragm
kind of bending forward
but don't go too far just go a little
bit
and then come back up slowly
slowly slowly
and notice how you're sinning now
um does your spine feel
uh uh
longer in any way
how does your how does your chest feel
how does your belly feel
so
once more
something comes up
around the issue of Shame and we feel
what our body wants to do our body again
wants to curve forward look away
collapse down
and then just holding it there holding
it there slowly slowly coming up
vertebra by vertebra all the way from
your lower back all the way up to your
um to your thoracic vertebra and until
you get a sense of lengthening and also
of opening in the chest because really
the opposite of Shame
is pride
is I mean authentic Pride
so just notice how you experience Pride
in your body
and that you can go from feeling shame
which is like this
to opening from the shame
into extension into lengthening and into
pride and dignity
because remember that shame is something
that strips away our dignity and pride
is what takes us back
to our dignity to our bodily sense of
Pride and dignity so can you feel love
for this hurt child
for the shamed or humiliated child Can
You Feel Love caring compassion
and can you also feel
that kind of caring and compassion
to that adolescent part of you because
we carry in our bodies all of those baby
child adolescent experiences in our
bodies and now what we're doing is we're
reworking them so that we don't have to
be stuck in shame and because we can
never move into life
fully when we are in shame when we're in
the posture of Shame so remarkably when
we allow ourselves to feel worse which
is again moving into that posture
and then slowly coming back out from
that posture that we're no longer stuck
we're no longer riveted
to shame and to humiliation
so thank you for participating in this
very
challenging exercise
and again I want to remind you
that you can go to Belarus neverstacks
healing trauma
audio series because it really also
reinforces and helps to move us through
the shame experiences it can really help
bring you into self-care and
self-acceptance
[Music]
thank you
[Music]
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[Music]
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