Don't be her option: why you get left on read

Summary

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Takeaways

• 😀 Men should avoid being a woman's 'option'—a backup partner she only considers when her primary relationship doesn't work out.
• 😀 The majority of women, even in committed relationships, often have backup partners, which can be an old flame or a friend they haven't yet had a sexual relationship with.
• 😀 Men often become 'options' by overpursuing and overcommitting, which lowers their value in the attraction game.
• 😀 The law of attraction states that people want what they want, not what wants them. Over-pursuing only weakens a man's position.
• 😀 Overpursuing in relationships is similar to making an offer in business without knowing the competitor's offer—it's a weak negotiation position.
• 😀 Successful negotiators in business know the importance of patience and withholding their cards, which is key in relationships too.
• 😀 Men should act like the 'second company' in a job negotiation—maintain a poker face, show interest, but don't overcommit.
• 😀 People (men in particular) often treat what they need less favorably than what they desire, making them more likely to accept a backup position out of desperation.
• 😀 If men want to avoid becoming an option, they should avoid making themselves too available by constantly asking women out without a firm commitment from them.
• 😀 Relationships, like business deals, progress through stages of attraction, negotiation, and maintenance—overcommitting too early can ruin the deal.
• 😀 Men should not be afraid of losing attractive options, as settling for unfavorable terms can lead to resentment. Focus on negotiating for the best possible outcome.

Q & A

What is the main message of Dr. Orion Taban’s talk?

The main message is that men should avoid becoming a woman’s backup option by overpursuing and overcommitting. When a man makes himself too available and eager before a woman has clearly chosen him, he loses negotiation power and often gets treated as a fallback rather than a priority.

What does it mean to be a woman’s “option” in this context?

Being a woman’s “option” means being her backup plan—someone she keeps around just in case things don’t work out with the man she truly prioritizes. This is similar to being a plan B (or even plan Z): you’re there, but only as a convenient safety net, not as her first choice.

Why does Dr. Taban say that most men will eventually be a woman’s option?

He explains that, statistically, most men are not especially attractive in the broader mating marketplace. Because of this, many men will find themselves at some point in their lives in the role of a backup or lower-priority choice for a woman, rather than as her top, most desired option.

What is the ‘fundamental law of attraction’ mentioned in the talk?

The fundamental law of attraction he states is: “People want what they want, not what wants them.” In other words, you cannot force someone to desire you more simply by increasing your level of desire for them. Their attraction is driven by their own wants, not by how much you chase.

Why can’t you make someone want you more by wanting them more?

According to Dr. Taban, attraction is not a symmetrical equation. Increasing your level of interest doesn’t automatically boost theirs. In fact, excessive pursuit can lower your perceived value and make you look needy or abundant, which reduces their attraction instead of increasing it.

How does the Beta Corp job-offer analogy illustrate overpursuing and overcommitting?

In the analogy, Beta Corp offers the applicant a guaranteed job with no conditions and unlimited time to decide. This removes all urgency and risk for the applicant. As a result, the applicant feels free to wait, pursue other opportunities, and only accept Beta Corp if nothing better appears—exactly how a woman treats a man who overpursues and overcommits too quickly.

What are the two exceptions where the applicant might accept Beta Corp’s offer immediately?

The first exception is if the applicant is running out of money and needs any job, even if it’s not ideal. The second is if Beta Corp is the applicant’s dream job and they truly believe it’s the best they can do. Dr. Taban notes that in the second case, the applicant would usually have shown more enthusiasm earlier, which would have changed how Beta Corp negotiated.

How do men typically ‘overpursue’ and ‘overcommit’ in dating, according to the talk?

Men overpursue by repeatedly asking a woman out, endlessly accommodating her schedule, and expressing very strong feelings early (“I’ve never met anyone like you”). They overcommit by saying things like, “If you ever change your mind, I’ll be here,” even after she’s shown low interest. This signals that he’s willing to prioritize her above everyone else without any real commitment from her.

What negotiation principle does Dr. Taban highlight about eagerness and power?

He states that in any negotiation, the party that is more eager to close the deal and less willing to walk away has less power. That party signals greater need, which puts them at a disadvantage. This is true regardless of how objectively good the offer is—neediness itself undermines leverage.

Why does Dr. Taban compare dating behavior to playing poker?

He uses poker as a metaphor to explain emotional self-control and signaling. Even if you have ‘pocket aces’—a very strong hand—you can’t jump for joy and show your excitement, because that gives away your advantage. Similarly, if you see someone as amazing, you can’t gush and overdisplay your interest, or you risk sabotaging the interaction by revealing too much eagerness.

What does the quote ‘In life we don’t get what we deserve, we get what we negotiate’ mean in this context?

In this context, it means that being a ‘good guy’ or a ‘nice guy’ is not enough. You don’t automatically receive good treatment or desirable relationships just because you think you deserve them. Your outcomes depend on how you handle the negotiation: your boundaries, your willingness to walk away, and how you manage your value and availability.

What is the practical takeaway for men who don’t want to be an ‘option’?

The practical takeaway is to avoid behaving like Beta Corp: don’t promise unconditional access, don’t wait indefinitely, and don’t show extreme interest before the woman has shown substantial interest in return. Instead, maintain standards, keep your options open, be willing to walk away, and let your actions communicate that you value yourself and your time.

Does Dr. Taban claim that being selective means you’ll never miss out on anyone?

No. He explicitly acknowledges that some attractive options will slip through your fingers when you refuse to overpursue or accept bad terms. However, he argues that it’s better to miss out on these than to secure a relationship where you are undervalued, disrespected, or only treated as a backup choice.