How to Work with a Passive-Aggressive Coworker | The Harvard Business Review Guide
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful script, Amy Gallo discusses the prevalence of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace and offers strategies for understanding and managing it. She emphasizes that such behavior often stems from a desire to avoid conflict or a lack of perceived power. Gallo provides practical tips, including avoiding labels, focusing on underlying messages, not retaliating in written communication, and seeking team support to foster a more productive work environment.
Takeaways
- 😐 Passive-aggressive behavior is common in workplaces and can even be exhibited by great colleagues at times.
- 🤔 The coworker exhibiting passive-aggressive traits may not be doing it on purpose and might not even be aware of it.
- 🤝 Understanding the motivations behind a passive-aggressive coworker's behavior can lead to less painful relationships.
- 😣 Common passive-aggressive behaviors include not following through on commitments, sending uncommitted emails, and giving backhanded compliments.
- 🤷♂️ Defining passive-aggressiveness involves indirect communication of thoughts or feelings instead of being upfront.
- 💭 Passive-aggressive behaviors may stem from a desire to avoid conflict or from feeling powerless in a situation.
- 🙅♂️ Avoid labeling a coworker as passive-aggressive as it can cause defensiveness and is unlikely how they see themselves.
- 🔍 Focus on the underlying message of a passive-aggressive coworker's behavior rather than the behavior itself.
- 📝 When responding to passive-aggressive communication, keep it professional and avoid engaging in the same behavior.
- 👥 Seek support from the team to address passive-aggressive behaviors, as collective action can be more effective.
- 📚 The tips provided are from the book 'Getting Along--How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People', suggesting further reading for those interested.
Q & A
What is the bad news about passive-aggressive coworkers according to Amy Gallo?
-The bad news is that you can't avoid passive-aggressive coworkers as they are present in almost every workplace, and even great colleagues may act passive-aggressively at times.
What is the good news about dealing with passive-aggressive coworkers as mentioned by Amy Gallo?
-The good news is that your colleague is probably not being a jerk on purpose, and understanding their motivations can make the relationship less painful.
What is the definition of passive-aggressive behavior in a workplace context?
-A coworker is behaving passive-aggressively when they are not straightforward about their thoughts and instead use indirect methods to convey their thoughts or feelings.
Why do people exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, according to Gabrielle Adams?
-People exhibit passive-aggressive behavior to cushion feedback, soften a blow, avoid offending others, or because they don't want to engage in conflict or confrontation.
What are some common reasons that lead to passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace?
-Common reasons include feeling powerless in a situation, lacking a voice or say in decisions, and the fear of rejection or the desire to be perfect.
What is the first tip Amy Gallo gives for dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker?
-The first tip is to avoid calling them passive-aggressive, as it's a loaded phrase that may make them angry or defensive, and instead try to understand what's going on with them.
What should you focus on when a passive-aggressive coworker is communicating indirectly?
-Focus on what they are trying to say, rather than their behavior, and try to get to the heart of their message.
How should you respond to written passive-aggressive jabs from a coworker?
-Keep your responses professional and short, and try to avoid responding in a similar tone. It's better to have a phone call, video call, or in-person conversation instead.
What is the purpose of getting support from the team when dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker?
-Getting support from the team can help create positive peer pressure and public accountability, which can be effective in changing the coworker's behavior without making them feel singled out.
What is the main advice Amy Gallo gives for not taking passive-aggressive behavior personally?
-The main advice is to remember that if you feel targeted, it's likely that the coworker treats others similarly, and their behavior is more about them than about you.
What book does Amy Gallo reference for additional tips on working with difficult people?
-Amy Gallo references her book 'Getting Along--How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People' for more tips on dealing with challenging coworkers.
Outlines
😐 Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Workplace
The first paragraph introduces the topic of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace, acknowledging its prevalence and the likelihood that everyone has encountered or exhibited such behavior at some point. Amy Gallo explains that passive-aggressive individuals may not intend to be malicious, but their indirect communication style can be frustrating. Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia, provides insight into why people might adopt passive-aggressive behaviors, such as a desire to avoid conflict or feelings of powerlessness. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding the motivations behind such behavior to improve workplace relationships.
🤔 Strategies for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Coworkers
The second paragraph offers practical advice on how to handle passive-aggressive coworkers effectively. It suggests avoiding labeling someone as passive-aggressive, as this can lead to defensiveness. Instead, one should focus on understanding the underlying message and expressing genuine concern. The paragraph advises maintaining professionalism in written communication and seeking face-to-face or phone conversations to encourage directness. It also recommends seeking support from the team to address passive-aggressive behaviors collectively, such as setting team guidelines for interaction and holding each other accountable. The summary concludes with a reminder not to take passive-aggressive behavior personally and to consider the tips provided in Amy Gallo's book 'Getting Along' for further guidance.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Passive-aggressive
💡Conflict avoidance
💡Indirect communication
💡Motivation
💡Feedback cushioning
💡Genuine concern
💡Productive interactions
💡Professionalism
💡Peer pressure
💡Accountability
💡Harmonious work environment
Highlights
Passive-aggressive coworkers are common in almost every workplace.
Even great colleagues can sometimes exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.
Understanding the motivations behind passive-aggressive behavior can ease workplace relationships.
Passive-aggressive behavior is often a result of indirect communication due to fear of conflict.
Individuals may act passive-aggressively when they feel powerless or without a voice in a situation.
Passive-aggressive behavior can stem from common fears like rejection or the desire to be perfect.
Avoid labeling a coworker as passive-aggressive, as it can provoke anger or defensiveness.
Instead of labeling, try to understand and address the underlying issues causing the behavior.
Focus on deciphering the real message behind passive-aggressive communication.
When responding to passive-aggressive behavior, maintain professionalism and avoid escalation.
Use direct communication methods like phone calls or in-person chats to address issues.
Seek support from the team to handle passive-aggressive behavior collectively.
Setting team guidelines can help manage and hold individuals accountable for their actions.
Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is a gradual process and should not be taken personally.
Key points for dealing with passive-aggressive coworkers include avoiding labels and seeking understanding.
The book 'Getting Along--How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult People' provides further insights on this topic.
Engaging with peers and creating a supportive team environment can mitigate passive-aggressive interactions.
Transcripts
AMY GALLO: OK.
I've got good news and bad news about
passive-aggressive coworkers.
First, the bad news.
You can't avoid them.
They're in practically every workplace,
and even great colleagues sometimes
act passive-aggressively.
And guess what.
You have probably behaved passive-aggressively
at some point too.
I know I have.
The good news, your colleague is probably not
being a jerk on purpose.
And if you can understand a little bit
about what motivates them, your relationship
will be a lot less painful.
I'm going to show you what makes them tick
and then share some tips for getting along with them.
We've all worked with that person.
You know the one.
They commit to doing something in a meeting
and then never follow through, or that email they promise just
never shows up, or maybe they pay you a compliment, which
is really just a disguised insult. So they might say,
you have such a relaxed style, which truly means,
I think you're lazy.
They might roll their eyes at you
or give you the cold shoulder.
But then, when you ask them, what's wrong,
they say, nothing.
It's all in your head.
It is so frustrating.
These are all behaviors that you would consider
passive-aggressive, but let's define that term a little more
clearly.
Your coworker is behaving passive-aggressively
when they're not forthcoming about what they're truly
thinking and instead use indirect methods to convey
their thoughts or feelings.
To work harmoniously with them, we
need to know why they're behaving that way.
GABRIELLE ADAMS: Passive-aggressiveness
is one of those behaviors that people
use when they think that they're trying
to cushion feedback or soften a blow
or they don't want to offend.
AMY GALLO: That's Gabe Adams, a professor
at the University of Virginia, and she
studies this exact topic.
GABRIELLE ADAMS: It can also just come from a place of,
I don't want to take the time to get
into a conflict with someone or have a confrontation.
AMY GALLO: In addition to avoiding conflict,
Gabe says that sometimes colleagues
slip into passive-aggressive behavior
because it feels like it might be their only option.
GABRIELLE ADAMS: On the communicator's end,
they can think of a whole bunch of situational reasons
why they might want to be indirect.
For example, they're relatively powerless in a situation,
they don't feel like they have much of a voice or much
of a say in a decision, that they can't come
in strong and hard and direct.
And so, as a result, they come across
in a way that feels passive-aggressive.
AMY GALLO: So they may not be doing it for harmful reasons,
and they may not even realize that they're being indirect.
They may be trying to avoid saying no or being honest
about what they're feeling.
Their behavior is often driven by common fears
like the fear of rejection or a desire for something
like the desire to be perfect.
With all that in mind, here are some tips
for dealing with your passive-aggressive coworker.
Tip one-- avoid calling them passive-aggressive.
It's a loaded phrase.
And besides, they probably don't think of themselves
as passive-aggressive.
Chances are it's going to make them angry or more defensive.
Instead, try to understand what's going on with them.
Rather than saying, you're being a passive-aggressive jerk,
try saying, I notice that you never responded to my email
and you never followed up after that meeting
like you said you would.
What's going on?
And don't try to label their feelings.
Don't tell them they're angry or upset.
Chances are you're going to get it wrong anyway.
Show genuine concern rather than trying to label their behavior.
Tip two-- focus on what they're trying to say.
When they're being passive-aggressive,
they're actually trying to tell you something.
While their message may be wrapped
in a snarky comment or a rude email,
you want to try to get to the heart of what they're really
trying to say.
Away from the situation, take time to think through,
what's the underlying idea?
What do they care about?
What are they trying to tell me?
Do they think that the way I'm running this project
isn't working, or do they disagree
about the team's goals?
Once you have an idea about what they might be thinking,
test it out.
Respectfully and without judgment, ask what's going on.
You're basically trying to give them
a way to express themselves that's not indirect and not
rude but just straightforward.
Don't think of this as letting your coworker off the hook
for their bad behavior.
See it as a way to nudge them into more
productive interactions.
Tip three-- don't take the bait.
I don't know about you, but most of the passive-aggressive jabs
I get from coworkers come via Slack or email or even text
message.
These are all horrible mediums for any difficult conversation,
but especially one with a passive-aggressive coworker.
It is so tempting to strike back and say rude things as well.
I've done it many times, and I've always regretted it.
If your coworker makes jabs in writing,
keep your responses professional and short.
For example, if your coworker writes, I'm not sure
if you saw my last email, period,
you can respond with a simple, thanks for the reminder.
If they write, as we discussed earlier,
and then they go on to recap a conversation you both know
you had, you can respond with, I appreciate that we're still
on the same page.
Model the respectful candor that you wish your colleague
would show.
The best thing you can do, though,
resist the urge to reply in text or email at all.
Instead, pick up the phone or have a video call
or just walk by their desk.
If they can't hide behind a screen,
they'll have to be more direct with you.
Tip four-- get support from the team.
It's easier to get caught up in a never-ending
back and forth of, you're mad, no, I'm not,
when it's just the two of you, so
enlist the help of your teammates.
You don't want to gang up on anyone,
but you don't have to go it alone either.
Start by asking others if they're noticing the same
behaviors that you're noticing.
Frame it is an attempt to constructively improve
your relationship so it doesn't come off as gossip
or bad-mouthing your coworker.
You might ask something like, how did Sean's comment land
with you?
How did you interpret that?
If your teammates confirm that the behavior is
counterproductive, you can then decide together how to proceed.
For example, it might help to set guidelines for how everyone
on your team will interact.
So if, for example, your colleague
fails to follow through on what they say they're going to do,
you can agree collectively that everyone
has to commit at the end of the meeting
verbally to what they promise to do.
You might also take notes on who's agreed to do what
and by when so you can circulate those notes to everyone
afterwards.
If your colleague later denies that they
agreed to do something or fails to follow through,
you can rely on the team to hold them accountable.
Even the worst offenders are likely to give in
to peer pressure and public accountability.
By making it a whole-team policy,
it prevents the passive-aggressive coworker
from feeling singled out and getting more defensive.
Dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker
is tough.
Your relationship with this person
is unlikely to change overnight.
Remember, don't take it personally.
You may feel targeted, but chances are they treat others
similarly, and it's probably more about them
than it is about you.
Here are the key points to remember.
Avoid the label.
It doesn't help, and they probably
don't recognize their behavior as passive-aggressive.
Instead, ask why they may be acting the way they are.
Focus on what they're trying to say rather than their behavior.
Test it out by asking them if you correctly
understand their thinking.
Don't take the bait by responding
to snarky emails or texts.
Model respectful candor and have a phone, video,
or in-person chat instead.
Get support from the team.
You don't need to deal with a passive-aggressive colleague
alone.
Positive peer pressure can go a long way.
All of the tips I've just shared come
from my book Getting Along--
How to Work with Anyone, Even Difficult
People, which we'll link in the description below.
If you have an idea about how to best work
with a passive-aggressive colleague or a topic
that you'd like us to cover in an upcoming HBR video,
let us know in the comments below.
Thanks for watching.
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