The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED

Summary

The speaker, a social psychologist, delves into 'anxious niceness' during uncomfortable social interactions. They explore how people tend to be overly polite to manage their anxiety, which can lead to generic feedback and nonverbal cues that signal discomfort. The talk examines the impact of such behavior on recipients, particularly racial minorities and disadvantaged groups, and suggests strategies for giving clear, specific feedback to foster a more constructive communication culture.

Takeaways

• 🧪 The speaker is a social psychologist with over 20 years of experience studying uncomfortable social interactions.
• 🔍 They focus on three main outcomes in their research: verbal behaviors, nonverbal behaviors, and physiological responses.
• 🤝 The study involves people interacting in various settings, such as negotiations and getting acquainted, often requiring feedback exchange.
• 📈 Participants' physiological responses are measured using equipment to capture stress reactions and nonverbal behaviors through video recording.
• 🤔 The audience is encouraged to reflect on their own awkward social interactions to understand the feelings associated with anxiety in social settings.
• 📊 Rapid stress responses, such as increased heart rate and blood pressure, are common within the first 20 seconds of such interactions.
• 👀 Nonverbal cues like fidgeting and avoiding eye contact are early indicators of discomfort in social interactions.
• 💔 'Anxious niceness' often results in generic compliments and can be a barrier to providing constructive feedback.
• 🌐 The impact of anxious niceness is not limited to the giver; it can also affect the receiver, making them more attuned to the anxiety signals.
• 🔄 The study shows that stress responses can be synchronized between individuals in social interactions, potentially affecting the receiver's well-being.
• 💼 In professional settings, the lack of specific feedback can hinder performance and growth, and generic positive feedback can damage one's reputation.
• 🛠️ The speaker suggests strategies to improve feedback, such as understanding the culture of niceness, being specific with feedback, and starting with neutral topics.
• 🔑 Framing feedback with niceness in delivery can make it more constructive and less anxiety-inducing for both the giver and receiver.

Q & A

What is the main focus of the speaker's research?

The speaker's research focuses on the science of uncomfortable social interactions, studying various scenarios such as new roommate relationships, negotiations, feedback with superiors, and doctor-patient interactions.

What are the three main outcomes the speaker examines in their research?

The speaker examines what people say (controllable verbal behaviors), nonverbal behaviors (less controllable cues like fidgeting and avoiding eye contact), and under-the-skin responses (physiological reactions like blood pressure and heart rate).

How does the speaker's research methodology involve participants?

Participants are brought into a lab to interact with each other in different settings, such as negotiating or getting acquainted, while being monitored for physiological responses and videotaped for behavioral analysis.

What is the term used to describe the type of feedback that is often given in uncomfortable social interactions?

The term used is 'anxious niceness,' which involves giving compliments in a general, non-specific way to manage one's own anxiety during social interactions.

Why does the speaker suggest that anxious niceness can be harmful?

Anxious niceness can be harmful because it often lacks specificity and directness, which can hinder performance improvement, damage reputations, and even cause stress to be transmitted between individuals.

What is the effect of anxious niceness on the receiver of the feedback?

The receiver may feel patronized or misunderstood, as the feedback is often generic and not helpful for personal growth or understanding their performance. It can also lead to stress and anxiety in the receiver.

What is the speaker's view on the impact of anxious niceness on reputations?

The speaker believes that generic positive feedback can harm an individual's reputation, as it may come across as insincere or as if the giver doesn't truly know the person well enough to provide meaningful feedback.

What are some of the solutions the speaker suggests to improve feedback in the workplace?

The speaker suggests recognizing the prevalence of a niceness culture, asking for permission to give feedback on multiple dimensions, being specific with both positive and negative feedback, and providing clear alternatives for improvement.

How does the speaker recommend framing negative feedback?

The speaker recommends being specific about the behavior that needs to change and providing clear alternatives or replacement behaviors that the person should adopt instead.

What is the importance of starting with neutral feedback according to the speaker?

Starting with neutral feedback helps to break the cycle of anxious niceness without causing discomfort or defensiveness. It allows for a gradual and less stressful transition towards more direct and constructive feedback.

What role does the speaker believe 'niceness' should play in the delivery of feedback?

The speaker believes that niceness should be incorporated into the delivery of feedback to show engagement, understanding, and alignment with the goals of the person receiving the feedback, making the process less intimidating and more constructive.