Tactics manipulators will use when you set a boundary
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Dr. Anna Udin, a Clinical Psychologist and fiction author, explores the manipulative tactics used when someone tries to set boundaries with a manipulator. She outlines nine common strategies, such as invalidating rights, denying behavior, justifying actions, playing the victim, deflecting, guilt-tripping, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), punishing with anger, and ignoring boundaries. A roleplay skit illustrates these tactics, emphasizing the importance of adhering to consequences rather than trying to change the manipulator.
Takeaways
- 📕 When setting a boundary with a manipulator, they often invalidate your right to the boundary or demand explanations to poke holes into it.
- 💵 Manipulators may deny past behavior that led to the boundary, often gaslighting by questioning your memory or insisting they didn't do what you're accusing them of.
- 📗 They might distort the behavior, claiming you've misinterpreted their actions or are overreacting to something not as harmful as you perceive it.
- 💴 Justifying their behavior is common; manipulators believe their actions are justified no matter how hurtful, expecting you to empathize with their reasons.
- 📺 Manipulators play the victim, bringing up their own hardships or wrongs to shift focus from their behavior to their perceived suffering.
- 📲 They deflect by accusing you of wronging them, effectively turning the tables to make you feel defensive and question your own actions.
- 📷 Guilt is a tool used to weaponize your empathy, making you feel like the bad guy for confronting them about their behavior.
- 📹 DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) is a technique where manipulators deny the behavior, attack you for confronting them, and then claim victimhood.
- 💡 Punishing you with anger is a method to condition you into not setting boundaries, using fear to discourage future confrontations.
- 📵 Ignoring or violating the boundary in the future is expected from a manipulator who has used all other tactics; they are unlikely to respect boundaries set by others.
Q & A
What is the main topic discussed in the video script?
-The main topic discussed in the video script is the nine common manipulation tactics used by manipulators when someone tries to set a boundary with them.
What is the first manipulation tactic mentioned in the script?
-The first manipulation tactic mentioned is invalidating the other person's right to set a boundary or demanding explanations for it.
How does a manipulative person typically react when confronted with a boundary?
-A manipulative person typically reacts by denying their behavior, distorting the behavior, justifying their actions, playing the victim, deflecting onto the other person, inducing guilt, using DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), punishing with anger, and ignoring or violating the boundary in the future.
What is DARVO as mentioned in the script?
-DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a tactic where the manipulator denies the behavior, attacks the accuser, and then reverses roles to make themselves appear as the victim and the accuser as the offender.
What is the role of the skit in the video script?
-The role of the skit is to demonstrate the manipulation tactics discussed in the video through a relatable scenario, making it easier for viewers to understand how these tactics play out in real-life situations.
What is the importance of setting boundaries according to the script?
-Setting boundaries is important for protecting one's emotional safety and ensuring basic respect and human dignity.
How does the script suggest dealing with a manipulative person?
-The script suggests not expecting a manipulative person to change, not trying to control their reactions, and instead focusing on adhering to the consequences when they do not respect the boundary.
What is the role of the 'connection course' mentioned at the end of the script?
-The 'connection course' is presumably a resource that teaches skills required for healthy relationships, which could help viewers deal with manipulative behaviors more effectively.
What is the advice given for managing emotions when dealing with a manipulative person?
-The advice given is to practice emotion regulation, process through emotions like grief or sadness or guilt, and accept that the manipulative person is unlikely to change.
Why is it important to reinforce boundaries consistently according to the script?
-It is important to reinforce boundaries consistently because manipulative people are likely to try to loosen or ignore them, and reinforcing them helps maintain emotional safety.
What does the script suggest about the validity of boundaries?
-The script suggests that while it is okay to assess the validity of certain boundaries, it is important to distinguish between reasonable boundaries meant for emotional safety and those that are not.
Outlines
🚫 Manipulation Tactics When Setting Boundaries
In this paragraph, the speaker, Anna, introduces the topic of manipulation tactics used by individuals when someone tries to set a boundary with them. She outlines the first tactic, which is invalidating the person's right to set a boundary by demanding explanations or dismissing their feelings. Anna provides examples of such invalidations and explains how manipulative people often lack empathy and entitlement, making it difficult for them to respect others' boundaries. She also discusses the importance of assessing the validity of boundaries and the appropriateness of pushing back on unreasonable boundaries.
🙅♂️ Denying and Distorting Behavior
Anna continues by explaining the second manipulation tactic, which is denying the behavior that led to the boundary being set. This can involve gaslighting, where the manipulator denies their actions or distorts them to make the person setting the boundary seem overreactive or misinterpreting the situation. She discusses how manipulative individuals struggle with accepting negative feedback and often have a distorted self-image that they protect by denying their behavior.
😢 Playing the Victim and Emotional Blackmail
The third paragraph delves into manipulators playing the victim and using emotional blackmail. Anna describes how these individuals may bring up past wrongs or current hardships to justify their behavior or deflect from the issue at hand. She also explains how manipulators may turn the tables by accusing the person setting the boundary of being the real problem, thus deflecting attention away from their own actions. This is done to make the boundary-setter feel defensive and question their own morality.
😤 Punishment and Ignoring Boundaries
Anna discusses the final tactics manipulators use, including punishing the person for setting a boundary through anger or other negative reactions, and ignoring or violating the boundary in the future. She emphasizes that manipulators are unlikely to respect boundaries and will often test them. The speaker concludes with advice on managing frustration and reinforcing boundaries without expecting to change the manipulator's behavior, as this is an uncontrollable factor.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Manipulator
💡Boundary
💡Invalidation
💡Gaslighting
💡Entitlement
💡Deflection
💡Playing the Victim
💡Emotional Blackmail
💡Darvo
💡Punishment
💡Ignoring/Violating Boundary
Highlights
Introduction to the topic of setting boundaries with manipulators
First tactic: Invalidating your right to a boundary
Example of invalidating a boundary by questioning its reasonableness
Characteristics of manipulative people: entitlement, selfishness, lack of empathy
The importance of assessing the validity of boundaries
Second tactic: Denying the behavior for which a boundary is set
Gaslighting as a form of denial
Third tactic: Distorting the behavior to avoid accountability
Justifying behavior as a manipulation tactic
Playing the victim as a manipulation technique
Deflecting by accusing the other person of wrongdoing
Using guilt to manipulate the person setting the boundary
Introducing DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
Punishing the person with anger for setting a boundary
Ignoring or violating the boundary in the future
Roleplay skit demonstrating manipulation tactics
Final thoughts on managing expectations with manipulative individuals
Emotional regulation as a coping mechanism
The importance of adhering to consequences when boundaries are not respected
Transcripts
hi guys welcome or welcome back I'm Anna
Udin I'm a doctor of Clinical Psychology
and a fiction author and today we're
going to talk about what happens when
you try to set a boundary with a
manipulator specifically the nine common
manipulation tactics that you're going
to see after I discuss the nine common
tactics I'm going to have a roleplay a
skit to really show you this in action
so let's get started
[Music]
number one when you try to set a
boundary with somebody manipulative the
very first thing that they're going to
try is probably to invalidate your right
to the boundary or demanding your
reasons to be explained to them so that
they can poke holes into it examples of
invalidating or right to having the
boundary could sound like you shouldn't
feel that way that's not how I mean it I
don't see why I have to change what I do
that's not reasonable I don't understand
an example of somebody demanding your
reasons for a boundary in order to book
Holes into it would be for example let's
say that you want to spend Mother's Day
with the mother of your children your
wife and your mom is mad about that she
might ask you about the specific details
of your daily plans so that she can
figure out a way to shift it back to
what she wants manipulative people often
have a constellation of traits such as
entitlement selfishness lack of empathy
and this means that they're incapable of
putting themselves in the other person's
shoes and imagining why that person
might be setting the boundary they're
setting and they don't think that other
people have a right to be making
requests of them even when it comes to
things like I want to be treated with
basic respect and human dignity because
if a person is entitled they kind of
feel like well I should be able to do
whatever I want no limits imposed now
look some boundaries truly aren't
reasonable and I think we have to be
honest about that assessing the validity
of certain boundaries is okay you know
if somebody's saying I want for you to
look after my kids from this day to this
day and that person cannot do it just
because you're trying to set that
boundary doesn't mean it's valid right
or if you're trying to set a boundary
that limits somebody else's autonomy
just because you call it a boundary
doesn't mean it happens in a vacuum
doesn't mean it's necessarily valid so I
think there's a time in place for a
little bit of push back about boundaries
and a little bit of questions of like
hey like I don't really understand why
you're asking this of me but that's not
really what we're talking about here
we're talking about the ways in which
people respond to reasonable boundaries
that exist to protect a person's
emotional safety and even if you're said
an unreasonable boundary the way that a
person reacts to it should not be
manipulative but rather an open
discussion about why they disagree with
it why they don't think it's reasonable
a manipulative person on the other hand
will continue through this list of
manipulation tactics such as number two
denying the behavior for which you are
stating a boundary which can be in some
cases gaslighting usually when you set a
boundary it's informed by a person's
past Behavior something that they've
done in the recent past but a
manipulative person will not admit that
they took part in that Behavior
manipulative people often have a
personality structure that makes them
unable to accept negative feedback about
their behavior it makes them feel very
ashamed and they're very preoccupied
with seeing themselves as this good and
perfect person and with you seeing them
that way so they will go to extreme
lengths to deny their behavior to
preserve this idealized self-image they
conveniently don't remember things that
you vividly remember happening they
question your memory they seem convinced
that they did not do or say what you are
accusing them of sometimes even if you
have proof and in many cases they truly
believe that it's crazy making and if
you've experienced this enough times
especially over the course of your
formative years then you will truly
start to doubt your own judgment to
second guess yourself even when you know
you remember what happened now in some
cases like I said you might have actual
proof of the behavior written evidence
eyewitnesses a recording court documents
if a manipulative person cannot deny
their behavior they will then resort to
the next technique of distorting the
behavior oh they did do what you said
but you completely misinterpreted it
you're reading all these negative
intentions into it you're overreacting
what they actually did is not that bad
even though you're explaining the ways
in which it was harmful to you there is
no limit to what the human mind will do
in order to preserve self-esteem even
non-manipulative people are capable of
completely rewriting history to avoid
cognitive distortion to be able to sleep
at night given the mistakes that they've
made we fundamentally cannot stand when
we have caused harm to others unless we
consciously decide to practice emotion
regulation and hold ourselves
accountable manipulative people may also
try justifying their behavior yes they
did do what you said that they did but
in their mind it was completely
Justified you asked for it it doesn't
matter how outlandish or hurtful the
behavior was there's always a
justification simply because it's them
we're talking about they want you to
empathize with all the factors that led
to their behavior because at the end of
the day they feel they were right to do
what they did they're not sorry they
don't really see anything wrong with it
they think they should be able to say
and do whatever they want and the irony
is that people who are so LAX with
themselves and quick to make excuses for
themselves are usually quite harsh with
other people when they make a mistake
they can justify the most egregious
violations when it comes to themselves
like being an abusive person but they
think it's out of line if another person
even looks at them the wrong way and
they feel Justified to retaliating
however they see fit when someone is
confronting you about your behavior your
reasons for taking part in that behavior
are not really relevant your intentions
are not relevant the focus should be on
the way that the other person feels and
what they're asking you to change but
manipulative people do not grasp that
something else that manipulative people
will try when you set a boundary is to
play the victim they might bring up ways
in which they were wronged by the world
or even by you they might talk about
their Saab story from their past or what
they're going throughout the current
moment that they feel should justify or
explain what's happening when none of
the affir menion techniques work
manipulators start to pull out more
Insidious tactics at first they've tried
to smooth over their image by changing
your perception of their behavior but if
that doesn't work they're going to
deflect their behavior onto yours and
that is where you might see them
actually accusing you of wronging them
them accusing you of making them a
victim manipulators intrinsically
understand that the best way to shift
Focus off of them is to make someone
feel defensive you know when someone's
accusing you of something you're not
thinking about what they did in that
moment you're thinking about how to
defend yourself so you come to them with
a boundary but now they flipped the
script you're the Violator they're the
victim because ultimately they hold a
very idealized image of themselves they
can do no wrong ever so you're unfair
for suggesting that they can and in
their minds they are a victim you have
no right to demand respect from them
they're entitled to behaving however
they please and you're a mean bully for
standing in their way another technique
that goes hand inand with playing the
victim because both of these are
elements of emotional blackmail is
guilting you many ators don't usually
feel empathy for the person they've hurt
when they're confronted with their
behavior instead they weaponize the
other person's empathy by trying to make
them feel like the bad guy they might
say things like you'll regret this one
day when I'm gone I don't deserve to be
treated this way meaning held
accountable after all I've done for you
this is how you treat me I gave my life
to my children on a silver platter oh I
see maybe you can return all the money I
spent on you it's like you don't even
care how this conflict is affecting my
health I've been going through so much
once a manipulator gets to this phase it
can be extremely stabilizing and
confusing for the person on the
receiving end even the strongest most
informed of people may struggle with
self-doubt at the stage they truly will
start to wonder if they're being unfair
to the other person if they've done
something wrong in the situation and the
irony of it all is that the manipulative
person would never feel guilty for how
they treated you simply because you're
considering the possibility that you
could be in the wrong you were proving
that you're not like them that they're
probably the problem and also related to
these last couple of techniques is
something called darvo which is
basically flipping the script turning it
on you darvo stands for deny attack
reverse victim and offender they deny it
I didn't do what you said they attack by
threatening or intimidating the other
person and they reverse who is the
victim and who is the offender you are
the aggressor in this situation for
standing up for yourself again it's very
destabilizing you start to feel like
you're a terrible person and wonder if
maybe they're right because like I said
the easiest way to get off scot-free is
to make the person you're talking to
start to question their own morality
technique number eight punishing you
with anger if none of the above
techniques have worked the manipulative
person will just try to punish the
behavior punishing in like a
conditioning sense in like a behavioral
psychology definition they're trying to
decrease your behavior by punishing it
through an angry reaction it could be
through yelling it could be through
withdrawing or stonewalling it could be
through violence the methods vary but
one thing stays very consistent they
want to make sure that you never again
confront them about their behavior that
you are too scared to bring up anything
next time and number nine the last thing
that a manipulative person will try when
you set a boundary with them is to
ignore or violate the boundary in the
future a person who has run through all
these manipulation techniques is very
unlikely to really respect your boundary
in the future they will most likely
bulldoze right past it and it will be
really important for you to reinforce it
consistently it's generally expected
that people will try to loosen
boundaries that inconvenience them even
non-manipulative people do this when
they have a boundary that doesn't serve
them so expect it anticipate it and
prepare for it now let me show you a
skit demonstrating all of these
manipulation tactics hey John do you
have a minute yeah what's up yesterday
at lunch I didn't appreciate how you
told the whole table about my family
situation in the future I'd like for you
to keep things I told you in confidence
private wait what what did I do I don't
remember saying anything about your
family notice how John is denying the
behavior here no you did we were talking
about family drama as a group and then
you made a joke about my brother's
disease in front of everyone Ariana I'm
really caught off guard here if I said
something about your brother it was
definitely not to disparage him if
anything I was probably trying to be
supportive again John is denying the
behavior and honestly fearing a little
bit into gaslighting he's rewriting
history and distorting his version of
what happened I believe your exact words
were oh Ariana knows a thing or two
about mentally ill family how exactly
was that being supportive oh you really
misunderstood what I was saying goodness
Ariana no I was not trying to make a
joke about your brother is that how
little you think of me JN is still
denying and gaslighting but he's
starting to sprinkle in turning it on
Ariana she's the one wrong for
misunderstanding him she's being
insulting by suggesting he did something
for which there were multiple
eyewitnesses we all heard it John how
could I be misinterpreting things I
don't know maybe you all decided to turn
on me or something wouldn't be the first
time you guys set out to put me in my
place for speaking openly now John has
decided to play the victim are
originally came to him with a complaint
but now he's trying to flip the
situation so that he's the one who feels
mistreated he's also distorting the
facts of what happened he wasn't making
a malicious joke at someone's expense
using private information given to him
in confidence he was just speaking
openly he's being martyred for being
honest this isn't about you speaking
openly this is about the fact that you
made a cruel joke at my brother's
expense in front of other people look
all I'm asking you to do is just be more
mindful with what you say please don't
tell other people things I've told you
in confidence or use them as the butt of
a joke cruel
joke I'm just shocked to hear this I
don't remember you telling me to keep
your brother situation private when you
told me do I now need to operate as if
everything you tell me is top secret
here John is trying to justify himself
he's framing the boundary as
unreasonable as it could be when in fact
it's quite the bare minimum of course
not only things that are sensitive or
personal you can discern for yourself
what might be appropriate or
inappropriate to share with others if I
haven't explicitly asked you to keep
something private discern for
myself and what if I don't know the
exact call you would want me to make
then I'll be crucified for it like
you're doing now he is again making the
boundary seem unreasonable violating
Ariana's right to it asking questions to
try to poke a hole in this very simple
request all I'm doing is requesting that
you be more careful with what you share
with others about my life I understand
that you feel it's unfair of me to ask
this of you but comparing it to
crucifixion is pretty extreme oh so
you're allowed to just feel however you
want about the situation but I'm not huh
I see how it is come on Ariana have you
never been in the situation where you
put your foot in your mouth you've never
blabbered about the wrong thing before
here John is turning the attention on
Ariana's hypothetical errors trying to
get her to empathize with him so that he
can circumvent the consequences of his
actions he's also starting to get angry
so that he can punish this behavior in
her we're talking about you right now
what you said if you ever feel like I
put my foot in my mouth about something
I urge you to let me know but that's not
the topic of discussion right now you
know John it's starting to feel like
you're deflecting from the topic at hand
oh so what I'm just the worst person in
the world here we see more Angry self
victimization again John is trying to
induce guilt in Ariana for bringing up a
boundary or complaint what I never said
that again all I'm asking of you is to
be more sensitive when sharing personal
things about my life with
others got it yeah yeah yeah I'll just
keep my mouth shut and speak when spoken
to from here on out out at this point
John is angry he's getting ready to
Stonewall he's punishing Ariana for
setting a boundary so that she'll be too
scared to set another one in the future
and hold him accountable I've said my
piece I don't think this conversation is
constructive anymore so have a nice
day
sorry goodness Ariana no I was not
trying to make a
joke so cute monkey girl go ahead go
ahead
oh you really misunderstood what I was
trying to
say
um cruel
joke cruel
joke I'm just shocked to hear this I
don't recall you asking me about your
brother's situation
oh cruel
joke you really misunderstood what I was
saying oh that was the last one cruel
joke
what is this monkey girl she's fine it's
perfect for the
bloopers cruel joke I'm really shocked
to hear
this show her to the camera her butthole
not her butthole she does a good enough
job of that
c she's drooling on
it
m so
cute final thoughts look don't expect a
manipulative person to change even if
you stick to your guns don't expect them
to not practice these techniques don't
expect that you can change the way that
they are or even really control their
reactions the important part is not that
they adhere to your boundary but rather
that you adhere to the consequence of
that boundary not being respected so do
manage your frustration with their
manipulativeness but without trying to
change their manipulativeness because if
you're trying to change them as a person
you're trying to change something that
is ultimately uncont controllable and
you'll feel very powerless and
frustrated about it so yes do practice
emotion regulation about how frustrating
it is maybe you also feel other emotions
like grief or sadness or guilt process
through that do not try to change them
except that they are the way that they
are and ultimately keep reinforcing the
boundary and adhering to the consequence
of when they inevitably do not respect
it if you'd like to learn more about
this the skills required for healthy
relationships are in the connection
course so check that out take care
[Music]
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