Secure Attachment Is Possible, You Just Need To Do These Things... - Sarah Baldwin

Summary

This insightful conversation delves into the concept of disconfirming experiences, exploring how our nervous systems process safety and threat based on past experiences. It discusses the autonomic nervous system's role in attachment styles, the impact of early childhood experiences on adult relationships, and the importance of self-regulation for secure attachment. The dialogue highlights the necessity of internal healing to foster healthy relationships and addresses the challenges and solutions for both anxious and avoidant attachment patterns, emphasizing the importance of communication and self-awareness in cultivating a secure and vibrant connection.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Disconfirming experiences are crucial for rewiring our nervous system to perceive previously unsafe situations as safe, which cannot be achieved through cognitive understanding alone.
• 🌱 Our autonomic nervous systems do not understand verbal language and are not connected to our thinking brain, hence why cognitive realizations about safety may not translate to physical safety signals.
• 🔄 The process of changing our nervous system's response involves embodied experiences that update our internal 'database' of past experiences, showing that what was once dangerous is now safe.
• 👶 Early attachment with caregivers significantly influences our adult relationships, as our nervous system uses these early experiences as a blueprint for future connections.
• 🤴🏻 The threat detector in our brain stem, part of our autonomic nervous system, constantly assesses our environment and internal state for safety, using past experiences as a reference.
• 🔗 Neuroception, an internal threat detector, influences our emotional responses and can trigger states of self-protection or disregulation based on perceived similarities to past experiences.
• 💔 People often unknowingly choose partners that replicate their childhood experiences, including those of neglect or abuse, because their nervous system finds familiarity in these dynamics.
• 🌟 Healing involves building a new internal secure attachment through consistent, healthy experiences that overwrite the old, unsafe blueprints stored in our nervous system.
• 👂 Developing self-regulation skills is key for individuals with anxious attachment, as it helps them feel safe independently of others and reduces the need for constant reassurance.
• 🏠 Avoidant individuals need to practice leaning into connection and communication, especially during moments of stress or conflict, to counteract their natural impulse to disconnect.
• ❤️ Secure attachment in relationships is characterized by a sense of internal safety, where individuals feel at home within themselves and choose their partners out of desire rather than need.

Q & A

What is a disconfirming experience according to the transcript?

A disconfirming experience is an embodied event that demonstrates to our nervous system that something once perceived as unsafe is now safe for us to experience. It involves showing, not just telling, our nervous system that the past danger no longer exists, which is crucial because the autonomic nervous system does not understand verbal language.

Why is it ineffective to try to convince our nervous system of safety through cognitive processes alone?

Cognitive processes alone are ineffective because the autonomic nervous system, which governs our fight-or-flight response, does not understand verbal language. It operates subconsciously and is not connected to the prefrontal cortex where language processing occurs. Thus, cognitive understanding does not translate to bodily safety signals.

How does our autonomic nervous system store past experiences?

The autonomic nervous system stores past experiences in an internal database within our midbrain. This database contains every lived experience, including those we don't consciously remember, and even ancestral experiences as shown by epigenetics.

What is the role of neuroception in our nervous system?

Neuroception is an internal threat detector that constantly assesses our environment and internal state to determine if it is safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. It operates subconsciously and rapidly, influencing our autonomic states of self-protection or disregulation.

How does our early attachment with caregivers influence our adult relationships?

Early attachment with caregivers sets the blueprint for our relational dynamics in adult life. Our nervous system learns patterns of attachment that influence how we seek partners and experience relationships, often unconsciously drawing us to replicate the dynamics of our childhood.

What is the process of healing from early attachment issues?

Healing involves collecting disconfirming experiences that show our nervous system new patterns of safety and connection. This requires internal work, such as parts work or inner child work, to give younger parts of ourselves the experiences they missed. Over time, this rewires our system to interpret relationships as safe.

What are the two main attachment styles discussed in the transcript, and how do they differ?

The two main attachment styles are anxious and avoidant. Anxiously attached individuals feel unsafe without another person and are overly focused on maintaining connection, often at the expense of their own needs. Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, have learned to disconnect from their feelings and go it alone, finding intimacy and vulnerability challenging.

How can someone with an anxious attachment style begin to heal and develop a more secure attachment?

An individual with an anxious attachment style can start healing by building self-regulation skills, becoming the primary parent to their younger parts, and learning to tolerate taking space and self-regulate during times of conflict or disconnection.

What steps can someone with an avoidant attachment style take to foster a more secure attachment in relationships?

Avoidantly attached individuals can work on tolerating deeper connections, learning to communicate their needs, and coming back into connection after taking necessary space to self-regulate. They need to challenge their reflex to disconnect permanently and instead practice reconnecting after a break.

How does the concept of 'love from survival' differ from 'love from choice' in the context of relationships?

'Love from survival' refers to the intense, drug-like attraction that comes from a place of needing another person for a sense of safety or connection, often driven by younger parts of ourselves. 'Love from choice,' on the other hand, is a steady, conscious choice to be with someone from a place of security and wholeness within oneself.

What is the role of the autonomic nervous system in sexual attraction and performance within a relationship?

The autonomic nervous system plays a significant role in sexual attraction and performance. When the system is in a state of disregulation, it can reduce libido due to the perception of danger or stress, similar to how a 'lion chasing' scenario would in evolutionary history. Additionally, the presence of adult parts rather than younger parts in the relationship can enhance attraction and sexual connection.