Does Sex Before Marriage Affect The Relationship?
Summary
TLDRIn this episode, Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes discuss the widespread nature of premarital sex and its impact on relationships and marriage. They explore the concept of sexual compatibility, the psychological and emotional implications of multiple partners, and the benefits of waiting until marriage for a fulfilling sexual relationship. The conversation also includes advice for parents on how to talk openly with their children about sex, emphasizing the importance of intimacy, trust, and commitment within marriage.
Takeaways
- 👥 We are inherently sexual beings, with a small percentage being asexual.
- 📊 Most people in America are sexually active before marriage, and it's widespread across various age groups.
- ❓ There's a debate about whether premarital sex is good, bad, or makes no difference.
- 📅 The 'third date rule' is common for initiating sex, which can negatively impact future marriages.
- 🔄 Multiple sexual partners before marriage can lead to comparisons and dissatisfaction in marital sex life.
- 🚫 Parents should openly discuss sex with their children to guide them toward understanding the importance of waiting until marriage.
- 💑 Sex within marriage is advocated as it fosters trust, intimacy, commitment, and a deeper connection between partners.
- 📚 Educating children about sex in an open, respectful manner is crucial to help them make informed decisions.
- 🎁 Waiting to have sex until marriage can build anticipation and excitement, enhancing the marital relationship.
- 💬 Communication between partners about their sexual beliefs and expectations before marriage is essential for compatibility.
Q & A
What is the main topic of discussion in the 'Marriage Helper' podcast featuring Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes?
-The main topic of the podcast is the prevalence of sexual activity before marriage and its potential impact on future marital relationships.
According to the podcast, what is the general view on asexuality among human beings?
-The podcast suggests that asexuality is rare among human beings, with most people being sexual beings.
What does Kimberly Holmes think about the widespread nature of premarital sex in America?
-Kimberly Holmes believes that premarital sex is very widespread, with studies showing the percentage of people engaged in sexual acts starting from age 14 and extending to those in their 80s.
What is the 'third date' logic mentioned in the podcast, and what is the potential issue with it?
-The 'third date' logic refers to the expectation that individuals should become sexually active by the third date. The issue with this is the potential for destructive impacts on future marriages, either by creating comparisons or by leading to dissatisfaction with a single partner.
Why might having multiple sexual partners before marriage affect sexual satisfaction in a marriage, according to Dr. Joe Beam?
-Dr. Joe Beam explains that having multiple sexual partners before marriage can lead to a habit of comparing different experiences and expectations, which can make it difficult for one person to satisfy the individual sexually within a marriage.
What is the argument against premarital sex based on the idea of 'becoming one' in a relationship?
-The argument is that sex is not just a physical act but an emotional and spiritual joining of two people. Premarital sex with multiple partners can dilute this experience and make it harder to achieve true unity in marriage.
What advice does Dr. Joe Beam give to a woman who was considering having sex with a stranger before her wedding to avoid being a 'virgin' on her wedding night?
-Dr. Joe Beam advises against it, stating that it would complicate the experience with her future husband and lead to potential comparisons and dissatisfaction.
What is the potential impact of engaging in sexual activity with 60 different partners before marriage, as mentioned in the podcast?
-The potential impact is a heightened likelihood of finding a single partner sexually unsatisfying due to the variety of experiences and expectations set by the numerous previous encounters.
What is the Triune view of human beings as discussed in the podcast, and how does it relate to sex within marriage?
-The Triune view suggests that humans consist of a physical, logical, and emotional part, and possibly a spiritual aspect. Sex within marriage is seen as fulfilling on all these levels, leading to a deeper and more meaningful connection.
What advice does the podcast give to parents about discussing sex with their children?
-The podcast advises parents to have open and frank conversations about sex with their children, using correct anatomical terms and creating a comfortable environment for questions, to avoid misconceptions and promote healthy attitudes towards sex.
What is the final recommendation from the podcast regarding premarital sex and the importance of discussing sexual compatibility before marriage?
-The podcast recommends that individuals abstain from premarital sex and have open discussions about sexual compatibility and expectations with their future spouse to ensure a strong foundation for their marriage.
Outlines
🔍 Understanding Pre-Marital Sex in America
Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Holmes discuss the prevalence of pre-marital sex in America, referencing a study that details sexual activity from age 14 to 80s. They explore the common belief in testing sexual compatibility before marriage and its potential negative impact on future relationships. Kimberly highlights the normalization of sex on the third date among young women, even among those raised with conservative values.
🤔 The Consequences of Multiple Sexual Partners
Dr. Joe Beam shares a story of a young woman contemplating losing her virginity just before marriage and advises against it to avoid future comparisons and dissatisfaction. He recounts another case of a woman who had numerous partners before marriage and now finds her husband sexually boring. The discussion emphasizes how multiple pre-marital partners can lead to unrealistic sexual expectations and dissatisfaction within marriage.
❤️ The Importance of Sexual Exclusivity in Marriage
Kimberly Holmes reflects on the benefits of sexual exclusivity within marriage, sharing her personal experience of being with only her husband. They discuss the cultural narrative that sex brings happiness and the contrasting belief that sex should be reserved for marriage. Dr. Beam explains the Triune nature of humans (physical, logical, and emotional) and how true fulfillment in sex comes from a holistic union within marriage.
🎁 The Joy of Waiting Until Marriage
The conversation shifts to the significance of waiting for sex until marriage, likening it to the anticipation of Christmas. They touch on the possibility that conservative religious beliefs might lead to earlier marriages to avoid pre-marital sex. Dr. Beam advises that true sexual fulfillment comes from a deep, committed relationship rather than just physical gratification.
👪 Parenting and Open Conversations About Sex
Dr. Beam stresses the importance of parents having open and honest conversations about sex with their children. He suggests that discussing sexuality openly from a young age can demystify it and make children more comfortable approaching their parents with questions. Kimberly shares a personal anecdote to illustrate how parents' openness about sex can impact their children's attitudes and behaviors.
💬 Key Takeaways and Parental Guidance
The episode concludes with a summary of key points: the importance of reserving sex for marriage to build trust, vulnerability, and intimacy; encouraging those who are sexually active outside marriage to stop and wait for a committed relationship. Dr. Beam also addresses concerns about sexual compatibility and suggests open conversations between partners before marriage. Kimberly emphasizes the role of parents in guiding their children through discussions about sex.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Sexual beings
💡Premarital sex
💡Sexual compatibility
💡Cultural norms
💡Christian perspective on sex
💡Emotional and spiritual intimacy
💡Impact of multiple sexual partners
💡Parental guidance
💡Sexual fulfillment
💡Marriage Helper
Highlights
Humans are inherently sexual beings, and while some are asexual, they are rare.
Most people in America are sexually active before marriage, raising questions about its impact.
The idea of testing sexual compatibility before marriage is common, but its long-term effects are debated.
There is a prevalent belief that having multiple sexual partners can affect future marital sexual satisfaction.
Studies show that even individuals with strong religious beliefs often engage in premarital sex.
Sexual compatibility and satisfaction in marriage can be negatively impacted by having many partners before marriage.
Comparing one's spouse to previous sexual partners can lead to dissatisfaction and marital issues.
Sexual activity before marriage can imprint certain expectations and standards that might not be met by a single partner.
The speaker advises against premarital sex, emphasizing its potential to harm future marital relationships.
A personal anecdote highlights how multiple premarital partners led to a woman's dissatisfaction in her marriage.
The conversation discusses the importance of intimacy, passion, and commitment in a marriage.
Open and honest conversations about sex between parents and children can help guide better decisions.
Waiting until marriage to have sex can build excitement and anticipation, contributing to a stronger bond.
Cultural beliefs often conflict with the idea of waiting until marriage for sex, but the benefits are significant.
The podcast encourages listeners to change their behavior if they have been sexually active outside of marriage.
Transcripts
foreign
[Music]
let's face it we are sexual beings I
mean we're made to be sexual beings
there are some people who are asexual
but they're really very rare when it
comes to human beings well since we are
sexual beings we talk about having sex
in marriage but we also have to face the
fact that we know that most people in
America are actually sexually active
before they get married is that a good
thing a bad thing or does it make no
difference at all
let's talk about that I'm Dr Joe Beam
with marriage helper along with Kimberly
Holmes our CEO and leader Kimberly how
widespread do you think it is that
people are having sex well before they
get married I would say very very
widespread
there's actually we if I had it in front
of me I know right now they have a study
that was done just a few years ago where
by age group they can tell you what
percentage of girls have done what sex
acts and what percentage of boys have
done what sex acts and it starts about
age 14 and then it goes on from there up
to people who are actually in their 80s
what percentage of people are still
sexually active and when you look at
statistics like that and it was a very
well done study you see that most people
whether they're married or not are
having sex and some people who are
married are having sex they shouldn't be
having because it's with somebody else
but let's talk about people out there
who are not married right now who are
thinking
maybe you know if I'm gonna marry
somebody wouldn't I need to see if we're
sexually compatible what about that
logic
yeah it's first of all it's
right I mean I was hearing just the
other day a couple of girls talking
about talking about it and talking about
how on the third date is kind of when
you start having sex and all I think is
uh uh for a lot of personal reasons
because I know how destructive that can
be for a future marriage right whether
you marry that person or not
maybe even worse if you don't marry that
person the more sexual partners you have
you're the sexologist but it has to
impact the sexual satisfaction you have
in your marriage without a doubt and
that third day thing is actually pretty
common several years ago I'm talking
about a long time ago now there was a
group of single women here in Nashville
where we are in Nashville Tennessee and
these were all uh dedicated church-going
Christian young women who were saying
that you slept with a guy on the third
date not long after that our friend
Dudley out in Oklahoma uh Dudley Chansey
Dr Chancey actually did a little survey
with some single Christian women and
they said it's the third day when you
finally sleep with another guy and these
were people who had been raised in
churches that said that you should be
celibate until you marry and so yes it's
highly prevalent now have we talked
about before some of the downsides of
what that means I don't believe that we
have I don't think we've had this
conversation before at least recorded
for other people to hear okay okay very
good uh because of the fact that I have
studied sex for many many years I am a
sexologist and uh when Kimberly was
still in college she took one of my
human sexuality classes at the
University and one day when we were
talking about certain parts of the
female anatomy one of the uh one of the
other young women in the class looked at
her and said is this like freaking you
out to which Kimberly replied at our
home this is dinner conversation
so will it affect you now think about it
this way if we start looking at the
average number of sex partners you can
find where that is for men in America
and around the world you can find out
what it is for women but we're not
looking at statistics here we're looking
at okay what is the effect so Kimberly
once I was on Woody and Gem one of the
most popular radio programs here in
Nashville Tennessee rock and roll
station and you know for a couple of
years I'd go over there once a month and
I would take calls on that rock and roll
station about relationships and so this
one time a lady called in and she said
I'm getting married Saturday
congratulations she said I'm a virgin
congratulations and this was like a
Wednesday she said so I think what I
need to do
is to go to a club tonight pick up a guy
and have sex because when I get married
on Saturday if I'm still a virgin that
will be the only sex partner I've ever
had and I think I need not to cheat
myself like that
what would you have said to her
I would have said
beautiful woman please do not do this to
yourself I mean at the end of it it's
why would you well granted I've heard
you tell this story before but why would
you
take that beautiful experience that will
just be between you and your husband at
this point and bring in another person
to make it hazy you're going to be
comparing your spouse at that point to
this person thinking about well now that
I've had two experiences what would it
be like if it was someone else you just
add too much into your mind to wander
with when you bring more than one sexual
partner in your life and that's
basically what I said to her if you wait
till Saturday he's going to be the best
lover you've ever had but just suppose
that you pick up some guy tonight and
he's particularly skilled at it then
you'll start comparing your husband and
it's going to turn out bad so on another
occasion talk to a young lady who was 26
years old she had married at 21 and she
and her husband come to one of our
workshops because of the fact that their
marriage was in big trouble and during
one of the breaks just the two of us
were talking and I asked her I said so
what's what's the main problem in your
marriage here and she said I'm just
sexually bored and I need to have more
sexual excitement now I'm looking at her
husband across the room and he's a
good-looking guy and he's in good
physical shape and those kinds of things
and so I said why is it not giving you
what you want and then I thought and
asked another question I said so tell me
when you first became sexually active
she said at 16 and I said when did you
marry him she said 21. now and those
five years between the time you became
sexually active and the time you married
this guy how many different men were you
with and she said 60 s-i-x-t-y 60.
and I said is it any wonder that this
guy
you find dull and boring because you've
been making love to him for five years
when in the previous five years you had
different
sizes of men some tall some short Etc
you've had different skill levels of men
etc etc you have conditioned yourself
that it should be different over and
over and over again always a new
experience you have actually imprinted
that into your brain
and until and unless
you can find some way to get past that
there is no one man who will ever
sexually satisfy you because the more
Partners you have whether you're male or
female the more partners that you have
before you get married the more that's
going to affect your sexual satisfaction
level in the marriage because you're
going to be comparing whether you think
you will or not
right I'm sitting here thinking about
how first of all I am I am blessed that
I grew up in a home that taught me
morals about sex to that's something
that happens between a husband and a
wife to wait till you're married all of
those things and so
we did right like Rob and I are just Rob
and I that's I for both of us that's the
only person we've ever had
and I'm so thankful because it's such an
intimate and vulnerable thing that if I
thought that I was being compared with
him with someone else like that would be
difficult and then same on the other way
around but I'm also well aware that this
is not what all parents teach their kids
no and also it's a cultural belief that
sex makes you happy so you should just
have sex with whoever when you want to
all of those things and so what you and
I are saying well I don't know if we've
explicitly said it yet but we believe
sex should be something that happens
within a marriage right between those
two people
um but that goes against everything that
culture is saying but we've talked about
love on previous programs and according
to sternberg's research love has three
basic components one is intimacy into me
see where you can be open and
transparent and vulnerable you build
that trust another is session which has
a sexual component but it's basically
about a craving for Oneness and then
there's commitment which is almost a
daily decision that I'm going to do
whatever it takes to keep this
relationship alive now that's what love
is now I don't know if we've ever talked
about this before but I personally see
human beings as being Triune Triune that
there's basically three parts of us and
you say what what do you mean well
there's the physical part of us you
understand and then there's the logical
part of us and then there's the
emotional part of us you see logic and
emotions are not the same thing
no no they really are one can be
analyticals primarily off what you're
feeling at the moment and if you want to
look in a spiritual kind of way where
Triune being in the sense that not only
do we have a body but we also have a
spirit and a soul and you look at those
things and say so what's your point
if you really have sex in the way it was
designed to be fulfilled it's not just
to make a baby although that's the way
we're designed we are designed that sex
makes babies I mean that's that's the
way we're put together
but in the way that it was designed to
be and I'll just refer to my religion
for a minute where he talked about that
Adam knew his wife e that's back in our
book of Genesis and other parts of my
Bible it will talk about knowing your
wife becoming one with your wife or your
husband I even wrote a book called
becoming one about that it's not just
having two bodies joined together
but two hearts
two minds two two Souls join you
together
and you can't do that with a lot of
different people so your sister Joanna
went with me once when I spoke at a
youth thing you know this was a hundred
years ago over in Washington State
and so we went to this thing and I was
speaking to all these teenagers and
Joanne had flown it out there with me
and the youth ministers
um and youth literatures can be actually
tough they had gotten this uh this gray
duct tape you guys know what I'm talking
about right this tuck tape and they got
three boys up on the stage that had
hairy arms and they put that duct tape
around the first boy's arm and they said
that's what it's like when you become
one so what is it like when you lose it
and they rip that off that boy he
screamed and and they hold up this thing
in little hairs I hang out of it so they
had to catch the second boy
and then they finally put it around him
and he didn't hurt much at all and they
couldn't make it stick
on the third boy
oh because they use the same pieces and
they said you can't be one with
everybody and I thought you know kind of
tough on the boys for the illustration
but it makes sense if sex is just sex
you're missing out on a lot I mean a
whole lot if it's really two people
joining themselves together as a one
where it's an emotional experience a
spiritual experience a mental experience
then it's as it was designed to be
so what do you say to people who say but
it's my right
it is the right they can do what they
wish to do but it's also their right to
uh drink a gallon of arsenic if that's
what they want to do I mean you look at
people and go it's my right yeah you
have a right to do all kinds of stuff
but is that going to be wise is that
going to be smart basically what it
boils down to is what do you want what
do you really want well if you want to
live you won't drink the Orchid uh the
Arsenic if you if you want a deeply
meaningful relationship that's beyond
what just sex can do
then we'd say don't have sex until
you're married if you've already been
having sex stop
do it with a person that you can commit
to completely because that's then where
you will have what you're looking for
now if you're just looking for a
physical sexual thrill
it's easy to find
but you're really really missing out
what do you say to the people who are
engaged so they know they're going to be
married they know this is the person I'm
going to be with what's the harm in
having sex before marriage I think part
of it and this is going to be a silly
illustration it's kind of like Christmas
it's like I know what's coming I'm
looking forward to it and it actually
builds my excitement
that I'm waiting for the day when that
can happen mm-hmm
this is
question a little bit out of left field
but
do you think that
in the Christian Community the age tends
to skew a little younger for getting
married
do you think that is because more of
them are more likely to wait until
marriage therefore they get married
younger
in order to be able to have sex
that's possible
that is possible I don't I don't know
any statistics on that they probably
exist I just don't know what they are I
do know that the more conservative
religion
the less likely you are to have sex
before marriage
but if if somebody was getting married
just so they could finally have sex I'd
be saying that's probably not going to
give you what you're looking for you
want a person that you can Unite with
Body Mind heart and soul and so don't
get married just to have sex then make
sure that that you can put all that
together now if you can't control your
sex drive then maybe go ahead and get
married that's what First Corinthians 7
says but otherwise what you're looking
for is the person you can be one with
for the rest of your life
what advice would you give to parents
that are listening to this podcast so
many of our listeners may already be
married this doesn't necessarily apply
to them but it probably applies to their
kids how would you encourage them to
talk about these concepts with their
kids well locking them in their bedroom
till they're 21 is not the best idea
okay it actually has to do with
conversation
things are more well let me use the word
tempting things are more tempting when
you don't know much about it like I just
got sort of an idea of what that would
be like because when a kid starts going
through puberty male or female they
start feeling some of these sexual
drives and urges and boys start noticing
girls and girls start noticing boys and
and they start feeling emotions when
they feel all those things and and
they're being prepared to be sexual
people
the best thing to do
is to talk openly about that
I mean make it where it's not going to
be evil and dirty but you use the right
anatomical terms and and you make it
where
that your children can feel comfortable
asking you anything and the way that you
build that is that early on you are very
Frank and open with them not crude not
rude you're not using Street language
that's bad but but helping them know hey
we can talk about these things that's
what we did with you and and you and Rob
I remember when you went to get your
exam before you got married you got mad
at the doctor remember that
yes but why do you what do you remember
you told me because of the fact that
they asked you guys how how long you've
been having sex already I was thinking
of a different exam yes then that is
exactly what he said and I said we have
not and infuriated you that he did
infuriate me but that's what he expected
to say that is what he expected yeah
yeah all right so key takeaways from
this episode would be that we encourage
sex to occur within marriage because
that is where it's supposed to be that's
where the trust the vulnerability the
intimacy the commitment is there in
order it for it to be a part of the
bigger part of marriage which is
building love building passion intimacy
commitment all of those things
and so if you have been being sexually
active outside of marriage then change
your behavior stop save that for when
you get married or if you have someone
that you love a family member a kid
that's going through this talk openly
about the benefits of sex inside of
marriage and why it's important to wait
and it's not just because it's about
waiting it's about because of because of
what sex between just a husband and a
wife is so good for why it is so good
do you have anything to add
sometimes people have said this but but
uh if if you don't have sexually get
married how do you know you're going to
be compatible it's the same thing we
talked about earlier as with parents you
talk about it openly before you get
married so you can know where each
person is coming from what they think
what they believe what they feel
absolutely
well thank you sexologist Dr Joe beam
also my father
just been very fun growing up with great
conversation great episode please like
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thank you
[Music]
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