How to speak up for yourself | Adam Galinsky

Summary

This talk explores the complexities of speaking up, emphasizing how our range of acceptable behavior is shaped by power, context, and social dynamics. Drawing from personal stories—becoming a new parent and helping a twin brother in negotiations—the speaker illustrates the consequences of both silence and over-assertion. The presentation offers practical tools to expand one’s range: advocating for others, perspective-taking, signaling flexibility, seeking advice, leveraging expertise, and expressing passion. Ultimately, the message is that by strategically using these tools, individuals can navigate low-power situations more effectively, broaden their influence, and experience greater personal and professional fulfillment.

Takeaways

• 😀 Speaking up can be difficult, and knowing when to speak or stay silent is a delicate balance.
• 😀 There is a 'range of acceptable behavior' that determines how we are rewarded or punished based on our actions.
• 😀 Power is the primary factor that determines the width of our behavioral range.
• 😀 The 'low-power double bind' occurs when speaking up risks punishment, but staying silent risks being ignored.
• 😀 Many perceived gender differences in assertiveness are actually differences in power, not biology.
• 😀 Advocating for others can help individuals discover their own voice and expand their behavioral range, known as the 'mama bear effect'.
• 😀 Perspective-taking—seeing the world from another's point of view—helps us speak up assertively while remaining likable.
• 😀 Offering choices and signaling flexibility can make interactions more effective and reduce resistance from others.
• 😀 Seeking advice from others can increase both competence and likability, overcoming the self-promotion double bind.
• 😀 Tapping into personal passion gives credibility, courage, and social permission to speak up.
• 😀 Combining the tools of advocacy, perspective-taking, flexibility, allies, evidence, and passion helps expand one's range and create more joyful and effective interactions.
• 😀 Roles and behavioral ranges are dynamic and can expand over time through conscious practice and strategic action.

Q & A

What personal experience led the speaker to understand the difficulty of speaking up?

The speaker realized the difficulty of speaking up when he and his wife became new parents and were unsure whether their baby was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding. They hesitated to call the pediatrician due to fear of making a bad impression.

What is the 'low-power double bind' described in the talk?

The low-power double bind occurs when a person with little power faces a dilemma: if they don’t speak up, they go unnoticed; if they do speak up, they risk punishment or negative consequences.

How does power influence the range of acceptable behavior?

Power determines how wide or narrow one’s range of acceptable behavior is. More power provides greater leeway to act, while less power constrains behavior and increases the risk of negative consequences.

What lesson did the speaker learn from his twin brother's failed negotiation?

The speaker learned that speaking up at the wrong time or without sufficient power can backfire. His brother made a counteroffer to a distribution company that was perceived as insulting, resulting in the loss of the deal.

What is the 'mama bear effect' and how does it help expand one’s range?

The mama bear effect refers to the phenomenon where advocating for others increases assertiveness and helps individuals discover and expand their own range of acceptable behavior. It can make one feel more powerful and credible.

How does perspective-taking improve the ability to speak up effectively?

Perspective-taking involves seeing the situation from another person’s point of view. It helps individuals be assertive while remaining likable, as demonstrated by the bank manager who defused a potential robbery by understanding the robber’s motivations.

Why is signaling flexibility an effective strategy when speaking up?

Signaling flexibility, such as offering multiple options, lowers others’ defenses and increases the likelihood of acceptance. This works in various contexts, from sales to parenting, by allowing others to feel choice and control.

How can asking for advice help someone navigate the self-promotion double bind?

By asking others for advice about one’s accomplishments, a person demonstrates humility and gains credibility without being perceived as unlikable. This strategy allows self-promotion while maintaining positive social perception.

What role does passion play in expanding one’s behavioral range?

Expressing genuine passion provides confidence and credibility, encouraging others to grant more leeway. Passion can also frame strong emotions positively, preventing condemnation for behaviors like crying.

What overarching lesson did the speaker’s father convey about roles and ranges in life?

The speaker’s father emphasized that roles and ranges in life are dynamic and constantly evolving. By improving performance in these roles and embracing opportunities, individuals can grow, expand their range, and experience greater joy.

What are the key tools mentioned to expand one’s range of acceptable behavior?

The key tools include advocating for others (mama bear effect), perspective-taking, signaling flexibility, building allies, asking for advice, leveraging expertise, and expressing passion. These strategies help individuals act assertively while managing risks.

How can understanding the concept of range help in everyday interactions?

Understanding one’s range helps individuals know when and how to speak up safely. By assessing power dynamics and context, people can make strategic choices that maximize impact while minimizing potential backlash.