What Avoidants Hope For When You Go No Contact
Summary
TLDRThe script explores the concept of 'The Magician's Outfit,' a metaphor for the facade avoidant individuals adopt to navigate relationships. It outlines the emotional journey of an avoidant person, from feeling trapped in a performative identity to experiencing relief after a breakup, only to be haunted by loneliness and the desire for genuine connection. The narrative delves into the psychological struggle between the fear of vulnerability and the fear of isolation, highlighting the avoidant's perpetual cycle of seeking authenticity while avoiding true intimacy.
Takeaways
- 🧙 The 'Magician's Outfit' is a metaphor for the facade that avoidant individuals wear to gain love and approval, suppressing their true emotions and needs.
- 👁️ Avoidants often feel they must manage their emotions alone, viewing their needs as burdensome, which is why they value independence and solitude.
- 💔 The avoidant's constant performance to maintain the 'Magician's Outfit' can lead to exhaustion and a deep sense of inauthenticity.
- 🔄 Avoidants go through a cycle of presenting a facade, withdrawing when it becomes unsustainable, and then returning to the facade out of fear of vulnerability and isolation.
- 🌐 The concept of the 'Magician's Outfit' is similar to Carl Jung's concept of the Persona, a social mask that individuals wear to fit in and gain approval.
- 🚫 Overidentification with the Persona or 'Magician's Outfit' can lead to a disconnection from the authentic self, causing internal conflict and psychological distress.
- 💔 Avoidants may sabotage relationships or distance themselves to escape the pressure of maintaining their facade, leading to relationship breakdowns.
- 🏃♂️ After a breakup, avoidants may initially feel relief and happiness for being free from the strain of maintaining a facade, which is referred to as the 'I'm so happy that I left' stage.
- 🔄 The relief from taking off the 'Magician's Outfit' is often short-lived as the deeper issues of loneliness and the inability to connect genuinely remain unresolved.
- 😔 In the later stages of the avoidant cycle, there is a growing sense of nostalgia and regret as the avoidant grapples with the emotional consequences of their temporary relief.
- 🔑 The 'Magician's Outfit' becomes a necessary compromise for avoidants, allowing them to function and engage with the world without fully confronting their internal struggles.
Q & A
What is the 'magician's outfit' mentioned in the script?
-The 'magician's outfit' is a metaphor for the facade or persona that an avoidantly attached individual feels compelled to wear to gain love and approval. It represents the performative, constructed identity that they believe they need to present to meet the expectations of others, often at the cost of suppressing their true emotions and needs.
How does the avoidant attachment style relate to the 'magician's outfit'?
-In the script, the avoidant attachment style is deeply connected to the 'magician's outfit' as it symbolizes the emotional armor that an avoidant person wears to protect themselves from vulnerability and rejection. This outfit becomes a part of their identity, making it difficult to shed and leading to a cycle of presenting a facade and withdrawing when it becomes unsustainable.
What is the significance of the childhood vision described by the avoidant individual in the script?
-The childhood vision is significant as it represents a profound insight into the nature of avoidant attachment. It illustrates how the individual internalized their mother's grief and depression, leading them to believe they were unworthy of love and support. This realization is central to understanding their avoidant behavior and the need to wear the 'magician's outfit'.
How does the avoidant individual feel when they go 'no contact'?
-The script suggests that when an avoidant individual goes 'no contact', they initially feel a sense of relief and happiness, as they are no longer required to maintain the exhausting facade of the 'magician's outfit'. This allows them to be alone with their true selves without the pressure to perform or conform to others' expectations.
What are the five stages of breakup that the avoidant individual might go through according to the script?
-The script outlines five stages of breakup for avoidant individuals: 1) Facade versus authentic self, 2) Exhaustion and resentment, 3) Intimacy avoidance, 4) Breakup as self-preservation, and 5) A desire for genuine love despite fear and avoidance.
How does the concept of Carl Jung's 'Persona' relate to the 'magician's outfit'?
-Carl Jung's concept of the 'Persona' is similar to the 'magician's outfit' in that both represent a social mask or facade that individuals wear to fit in, gain approval, and navigate the external world. However, overidentification with the Persona, like the 'magician's outfit', can lead to a disconnection from one's authentic self, causing internal conflict and psychological distress.
Why do avoidant individuals value independence and solitude?
-Avoidant individuals value independence and solitude because these states allow them to take off the 'magician's outfit' and express their true emotions without fear of judgment. Interactions often feel like performances, and intimacy is terrifying because it requires revealing emotions they've learned to avoid.
What is the 'avoidant death wheel' mentioned in the script?
-The 'avoidant death wheel' is a concept used in the script to describe the cycle that avoidant individuals go through after a breakup. It includes stages such as the initial relief of being free from the facade, followed by nostalgia, regret, and eventually the pressure to put the 'magician's outfit' back on.
Why does the avoidant individual feel the need to put the 'magician's outfit' back on?
-The avoidant individual feels the need to put the 'magician's outfit' back on because it offers a way to function and engage with the world without fully confronting their internal struggles. It becomes a necessary compromise to live a semblance of a normal life, even if it prevents them from experiencing genuine connection.
What is the 'sad truth' about the 'magician's outfit' as described in the script?
-The 'sad truth' about the 'magician's outfit' is that while it provides temporary relief from the strain of maintaining a facade, it also perpetuates a cycle of emotional isolation and avoidance. It allows the avoidant individual to navigate life without exposing their vulnerabilities but keeps them from experiencing genuine connection and living fully.
Outlines
🧙♂️ The Concept of the Magician's Outfit
The paragraph introduces the concept of the 'Magician's Outfit' as a metaphor for the facade that avoidantly attached individuals adopt to navigate life and relationships. The author recounts a personal journey of self-reflection, uncovering the roots of their avoidant behavior through a profound vision. The vision symbolizes the emotional pain and emptiness stemming from childhood experiences, particularly the loss of a twin sister and a mother's depression. The 'Magician's Outfit' represents the emotional suppression and performance required to gain love and approval, which leads to a sense of inauthenticity and exhaustion. The author reflects on how this facade affects their adult relationships, causing them to avoid vulnerability and true connection.
🔄 The Cycle of Avoidant Attachment
This paragraph delves into the stages of emotional experience for avoidantly attached individuals, particularly focusing on the aftermath of a breakup. The author outlines a five-stage process: realizing the facade that attracts a partner, feeling exhaustion and resentment from maintaining this facade, avoiding intimacy due to fear of rejection, ending the relationship as a form of self-preservation, and finally, a deep longing for genuine love despite the fear and avoidance. The paragraph also draws a parallel between the 'Magician's Outfit' and Carl Jung's concept of the Persona, a social mask that individuals wear to fit in and gain approval, which can lead to a disconnection from one's true self if overidentified with.
🔁 The Avoidant Death Wheel and the Struggle with Authenticity
The final paragraph discusses the 'Avoidant Death Wheel,' a cycle that avoidantly attached individuals often find themselves in after a breakup. The author describes the initial relief and happiness that comes from being free from the pressures of maintaining a relationship, likened to taking off the 'Magician's Outfit.' However, this relief is short-lived as the deeper issues of loneliness and the inability to form genuine connections remain. The avoidant individual begins to experience nostalgia and regret, grappling with the emotional consequences of their actions. The paragraph concludes by reflecting on the sad reality that the 'Magician's Outfit' is both a burden and a refuge, trapping the individual in a cycle of fear, isolation, and the inability to experience true emotional connection.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Avoidant Attachment
💡Magician's Outfit
💡Persona
💡No Contact Rule
💡Authentic Self
💡Emotional Pain
💡Disconnection
💡Exhaustion
💡Intimacy Avoidance
💡Self-Preservation
💡Genuine Love
Highlights
The concept of 'The Magician's outfit' as a metaphor for the avoidant attachment style.
The avoidant's struggle with the facade they maintain to gain love and approval.
The emotional pain and emptiness felt by the avoidant as a child.
The vision of the childhood bathroom and the oversized magician's outfit.
The blue light symbolizing the mother's depression and grief.
The avoidant's belief that they are unworthy of love and support.
The class clown persona as a way to gain attention and validation.
The void left by the lack of unconditional love despite receiving attention.
The exhaustion of constantly wearing 'The Magician's outfit' as an adult.
The need for solitude to express true emotions without fear of judgment.
The five stages of an avoidant's experience during a no-contact rule.
The avoidant's realization that their partner is attracted to a facade.
The internal conflict and stress caused by maintaining the facade.
The fear of intimacy and vulnerability leading to relationship sabotage.
The self-preservation aspect of breakups for avoidants.
The longing for genuine love despite the fear and avoidance.
Carl Jung's concept of the Persona and its relation to 'The Magician's outfit'.
The avoidant's need for space and the fear of emotional performance.
The struggle to break through ingrained patterns and express true emotions.
The avoidant death wheel and the stages of an avoidant's emotional journey post-breakup.
The temporary relief and subsequent regret after ending a relationship.
The cycle of putting the 'Magician's outfit' back on due to fear of vulnerability and isolation.
The sad truth about the 'Magician's outfit' as a necessary compromise for avoidants.
Transcripts
the number one thing that an avoidant
hopes for when you go no contact is to
throw off their magician's outfit all
right so what the heck is a magician's
outfit and what does it have to do with
an avoidant hoping for you to do
something when you go no contact check
this out I was uh prowling the avoidant
attachment subreddit and I happen to
stumble across this wild post written by
an avoidant named timely ad 5523 not
exactly the most reputable Source but
with me here anyways their post is
incredibly long but I found it to be
incredibly insightful and it brings up a
concept that I've actually never even
considered before so here's what we're
going to do I'm going to read you an a
bridged version I've had a profound
insight into the nature of avoidant
attachment through a vision that came to
me I share this for three reasons to
deepen my understanding and healing to
help non-avoidance grasp what our
internal world is like and to offer
Solace and shared experience to other
avoidance recently I was working on
healing my avoidant attachment style
things had gone wrong with a romantic
interest mainly because I sabotaged it I
felt incredibly rejected and did
everything to avoid thinking about her
even her name triggered feelings of
rejection shame and abandonment knowing
these feelings are at the core of my
attachment style I decided to confront
them headon lying in bed I repeatedly
brought up her name and image despite my
mind's attempts to distract me as as I
focused a deep sense of emptiness and
worthlessness welled up Contracting my
entire body the sensations were so
intense that I wanted to thrash and
escaped them but I held still determined
to face them in my mind's eye I saw my
chest and body open revealing three to
four black kidney-shaped structures at
my chakra points these burned out
alien-like energy centers emitted a
defeated Buzz symbolizing the core of my
emotional pain touching the largest of
these energy bows triggered a vision
that wouldn't leave me the vision took
me to my childhood bathroom drenched in
a deep sad blue light the world outside
was empty and decaying reflecting in all
encompassing sadness inside the bathroom
my childhood self was being dressed in
an oversized magician's outfit by my
mother who was humming absent-mindedly
her smile seemed genuine but forced and
she wasn't truly present with me despite
my disappointment with the outfit I let
her continue adjusting it because it
made her happy the vision made me
realize that the blue light symbolized
my mother's depression and grief
stemming from the loss of my twin sister
during childbirth as an infant I
absorbed this grief which flooded my
world with sadness and emptiness the
oversized magician's outfit represented
the emotions I couldn't manage alone my
mother's emotional unavailability led me
to believe I was Unworthy of her love
and support to survive I learned to hide
my true emotions adopting a Persona that
pleased her The Magician's outfit the
out outfit became a metaphor for how I
navigated life I had to perform for love
and approval wearing this magician's
outfit to gain attention as a child I
became the class clown always performing
to earn validation but no matter how
much attention I received I never felted
the void left by the lack of
unconditional love The Magician's outfit
allowed me to avoid the risk of
rejection but it also kept me from
experiencing true love and connection as
an adult I find it exhausting to
constantly wear this outfit which is now
so tight it feels like part of my skin
being alone is the only time I can take
off The Magician's outfit and wear other
clothes expressing my true emotions
without fear of judgment all right let's
stop here for a moment because there's a
lot to unpack you know between you and I
one of the biggest issues with writing a
script for YouTube is trying to take a
tired old idea and find some new
originality in it I mean let's be honest
this is not the first time that I've
talked about what avoidance feel during
a no contact rule I've done it in this
video I've talked tirelessly about my
avoidant death wheel and the fact that
after an avoidant leaves a relationship
they actually Rejoice about that fact
but the thing that struck me about this
person's story is how much of a unique
take it is on the whole avoidant Persona
specifically as it relates to the no
contact rule I mean take a look at their
last statement as an adult I find it
exhausting to constantly wear this
outfit which is now so tight it feels
like part of my skin being alone is the
only time I can take off The Magician's
outfit and wear other clothes expressing
my true emotions without fear of
judgment so essentially what this
avoidant is saying is that they've lived
so long wearing this magician's cloak
this magician's outfit that it's almost
become part of their identity and it
becomes even more difficult to shed that
and it might actually explain why so
many avoidance tend to go through
breakups I mean it happens over five
stages you have the first stage which is
the fac OD versus the authentic self you
know over time the avoidant might
realize that their partner is attracted
to the version of them that is always
composed entertaining or self-sufficient
The Magician's outfit now this
recognition can lead to a deep sense of
disconnection and dissatisfaction
because the avoidant knows that the
relationship is based on a version of
themselves that really isn't real which
of course leads us to stage two
exhaustion and resentment the constant
effort to maintain this facade becomes
exhausting leading to resentment the
avoidant might begin to feel trapped
unable to reveal their true self without
risking rejection or the loss of their
partner's love this internal conflict
can create significant stress often
pushing the avoidant to distance
themselves or even end the relationship
to escape the pressure of maintaining
the facade which leads us to stage three
intimacy avoidance the avoidance fear of
truly being seen and possibly rejected
for who they are under the magician's
outfit leads them to avoid deeper
intimacy
you know they may subconsciously
sabotage relationships as they start to
feel too close or vulnerable believing
that their partner wouldn't really
accept their true self which of course
leads us to stage four breakup as
self-preservation so they decide to end
a relationship and this can be seen as a
form of self-preservation by breaking up
the avoidant avoids the risk of their
partner discovering the real them and
possibly rejecting it in this way the
breakup serves as a protect measure
against the potential pain of rejection
and that leads us to stage five a desire
for genuine love despite the fear and
avoidance there is often a deep longing
within the avoidant to be loved for who
they truly are not just the magician's
outfit but the cycle of presenting a
facade and then withdrawing when it
becomes too exhausting or unsustainable
prevents this kind of authentic
connection from forming there's an eerie
similarity that this all has to this
concept of a s this is Carl Jung he's a
Swiss psychiatrist psychotherapist and
psychologist who founded the school of
analytical psychology he also founded
the idea of the facade or the Persona a
social mask that individuals wear to fit
in gain approval and navigate the
external world all right so check this
out we have two concepts being presented
to us here Young's Persona and The
Magician's outfit let's talk about the
facade or the Persona first Carl Young
described the Persona as this sort of
social mask that individuals wear to fit
in to gain approval and navigate the
external world it's the part of
ourselves that we present to others but
it often conceals our true feelings
desires and vulnerabilities the Persona
helps us interact with Society in a way
that's deemed acceptable and expected
here's the interesting part though the
Persona serves as a protective layer
allowing individuals to adapt to social
norms and roles however young War that
overidentification with the Persona can
lead to a disconnection from the
authentic self causing internal conflict
and psychological distress now let's
look at the magician's outfit we know
the magician's outfit functions
similarly to Young's concept of the
Persona it represents the performative
constructed identity that you feel
compelled to wear to gain love and
approval like the Persona The Magician's
outfit is tailored to meet the
expectations of others at the cost of
suppressing your true emotions and needs
but there's a sad internal conflict that
comes with wearing it it's exhausting
because it requires constant performance
much like how over Reliance on the
Persona can lead to a sense of
inauthenticity the struggle that the
avoidant who came up with it describes
feeling trapped in this outfit and
longing to express their true self it
really mirrors the psychological tension
young associated with an overdeveloped
or rigid Persona all right let's go back
to that of avoidance Vision now because
I kind of cut us off Midway through so
timely ad goes on to say this need for
space explains why avoidance like me
withdraw from others it's not that we
dislike people but that every
interaction feels like a performance
intimacy which involves sharing
different emotions is terrifying because
it requires wearing other outfits that
we've learned to avoid avoidance often
feel they must manage their emotions
alone as their needs are seen as
burdensome this is why we Value
Independence and Solitude an example I
have is a family friend who during a
heart attack drove himself to the
hospital to avoid bothering anyone a
logic I completely understand now I'm
trying to wear other outfits and share
my true emotions with others but the
walls I've built are so incredibly High
it feels like trying to defy gravity
breaking through ingrained patterns that
I have defined in my life this is why I
wouldn't shy away from intimacy it's the
fear of being seen in anything other
than the magician's outfit again I'd
actually like to pull up the avoidant
death wheel here if you're a subscriber
to this channel this shouldn't be new
I've talked about this so many times the
part that always gets people is stage
six right here the I'm so happy that I
left stage basically after going through
a breakup the avoidant rejoices after
getting their freedom back so we know
that avoidance do this and for most
people that's enough that's where they
stop but I don't want to stop there I'm
not satisfied ified with what I want to
understand why think about the
magician's clothing metaphor we
discussed for avoidance being in a
relationship often feels like they're
constantly wearing that restrictive
outfit a facade they've had to maintain
to keep the relationship going this
outfit is exhausting to wear because it
requires them to hide their true selves
their vulnerabilities and their deeper
emotions all to fit the expectations
they believe their partner has when an
avoidant finally exits a relationship
the feeling of relief and happiness
comes from actually just being able to
take off that suffocating magician's
outfit they're no longer under the
pressure to perform to be someone that
they're not for the first time in a long
while they can just be alone with their
true self without having to conform to
anyone else's expectations the sense of
freedom is intoxicating because it
represents a return to authenticity even
if that authenticity is something that
they only allow themselves to experience
in solitude yet
this relief is often shortlived as the
deeper issues of loneliness and the
inability to connect on a genuine level
remain unresolved the I'm so happy that
I left stage is less about true
happiness and more about temporary
relief from the strain of maintaining a
facade but once again pulling up the
avoidant death wheel you'll notice that
with stages seven and 8 Nostalgia and
regret the avoidant starts to Grapple
with the emotional consequences of even
their temporary relief after the initial
Euphoria of taking off The Magician's
outfit something interesting begins to
occur in the nostalgist stage stage
seven the avoidant may find themselves
revisiting memories of the relationship
not necessarily out of a desire to
return though we do see that happen but
because those memories of connections
start to haunt them think about it from
their perspective inside the avoidant
feels a growing sense of
unease the freedom they cherish starts
to feel Hollow as the reality of their
Solitude sets in the memories of
closeness those moments when they
allowed someone to even see a glimpse of
their true self began to surface not as
a longing to reconnect but as a reminder
of what they've pushed away the facade
they once wore feels less like a burden
they escaped and more like a necessary
armor they discarded too soon and then
of course we have the final stage of the
death wheel regret as they move into the
regret stage the struggle intensifies
the avoidant is caught between two
conflicting desires the need to protect
themselves from the vulnerability that
comes from intimacy and the Deep
unacknowledged longing for connection
they may not consciously wish to return
to the relationship but they are just
constantly flooded with memories of what
they've lost the regret is about the
realization that their freedom comes
with a price continued emotional
isolation and the Perpetual cycle of
running from their true feelings and
this state the avoiding begins to feel
the familiar pressure to put the
magician's outfit back on the very thing
that once felt suffocating now seems
like a refuge from the discomfort of
their own emotions the facade offers a
way to function to engage with the world
without fully confronting the depth of
their internal struggle they Retreat
into the safety of the Persona they've
perfected over the years and there in
lies the sad truth about the magician's
outfit every time they take it off they
get temporary relief but in evitably
become reminded that it's a parasite The
Magician's outfit allows them to
navigate life without exposing their
vulner abilities but it also keeps them
from experiencing genuine connection and
so the fear of being truly seen of
facing their own emotions without the
mask drives them back to the familiar
the cycle continues because the avoidant
feels trapped between the fear of
vulnerability and the fear of isolation
in the end The Magician's outfit becomes
a as they deem it necess Neary
compromise a way to live but not
necessarily a way to live fully and
that's the sad truth about avoidance
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