Tactics manipulators will use when you set a boundary

Summary

In this video, Dr. Anna Udin, a Clinical Psychologist and fiction author, explores the manipulative tactics used when someone tries to set boundaries with a manipulator. She outlines nine common strategies, such as invalidating rights, denying behavior, justifying actions, playing the victim, deflecting, guilt-tripping, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), punishing with anger, and ignoring boundaries. A roleplay skit illustrates these tactics, emphasizing the importance of adhering to consequences rather than trying to change the manipulator.

Takeaways

• 📕 When setting a boundary with a manipulator, they often invalidate your right to the boundary or demand explanations to poke holes into it.
• 💵 Manipulators may deny past behavior that led to the boundary, often gaslighting by questioning your memory or insisting they didn't do what you're accusing them of.
• 📗 They might distort the behavior, claiming you've misinterpreted their actions or are overreacting to something not as harmful as you perceive it.
• 💴 Justifying their behavior is common; manipulators believe their actions are justified no matter how hurtful, expecting you to empathize with their reasons.
• 📺 Manipulators play the victim, bringing up their own hardships or wrongs to shift focus from their behavior to their perceived suffering.
• 📲 They deflect by accusing you of wronging them, effectively turning the tables to make you feel defensive and question your own actions.
• 📷 Guilt is a tool used to weaponize your empathy, making you feel like the bad guy for confronting them about their behavior.
• 📹 DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) is a technique where manipulators deny the behavior, attack you for confronting them, and then claim victimhood.
• 💡 Punishing you with anger is a method to condition you into not setting boundaries, using fear to discourage future confrontations.
• 📵 Ignoring or violating the boundary in the future is expected from a manipulator who has used all other tactics; they are unlikely to respect boundaries set by others.

Q & A

What is the main topic discussed in the video script?

The main topic discussed in the video script is the nine common manipulation tactics used by manipulators when someone tries to set a boundary with them.

What is the first manipulation tactic mentioned in the script?

The first manipulation tactic mentioned is invalidating the other person's right to set a boundary or demanding explanations for it.

How does a manipulative person typically react when confronted with a boundary?

A manipulative person typically reacts by denying their behavior, distorting the behavior, justifying their actions, playing the victim, deflecting onto the other person, inducing guilt, using DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender), punishing with anger, and ignoring or violating the boundary in the future.

What is DARVO as mentioned in the script?

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a tactic where the manipulator denies the behavior, attacks the accuser, and then reverses roles to make themselves appear as the victim and the accuser as the offender.

What is the role of the skit in the video script?

The role of the skit is to demonstrate the manipulation tactics discussed in the video through a relatable scenario, making it easier for viewers to understand how these tactics play out in real-life situations.

What is the importance of setting boundaries according to the script?

Setting boundaries is important for protecting one's emotional safety and ensuring basic respect and human dignity.

How does the script suggest dealing with a manipulative person?

The script suggests not expecting a manipulative person to change, not trying to control their reactions, and instead focusing on adhering to the consequences when they do not respect the boundary.

What is the role of the 'connection course' mentioned at the end of the script?

The 'connection course' is presumably a resource that teaches skills required for healthy relationships, which could help viewers deal with manipulative behaviors more effectively.

What is the advice given for managing emotions when dealing with a manipulative person?

The advice given is to practice emotion regulation, process through emotions like grief or sadness or guilt, and accept that the manipulative person is unlikely to change.

Why is it important to reinforce boundaries consistently according to the script?

It is important to reinforce boundaries consistently because manipulative people are likely to try to loosen or ignore them, and reinforcing them helps maintain emotional safety.

What does the script suggest about the validity of boundaries?

The script suggests that while it is okay to assess the validity of certain boundaries, it is important to distinguish between reasonable boundaries meant for emotional safety and those that are not.

Outlines

00:00

🚫 Manipulation Tactics When Setting Boundaries

In this paragraph, the speaker, Anna, introduces the topic of manipulation tactics used by individuals when someone tries to set a boundary with them. She outlines the first tactic, which is invalidating the person's right to set a boundary by demanding explanations or dismissing their feelings. Anna provides examples of such invalidations and explains how manipulative people often lack empathy and entitlement, making it difficult for them to respect others' boundaries. She also discusses the importance of assessing the validity of boundaries and the appropriateness of pushing back on unreasonable boundaries.

05:01

🙅‍♂️ Denying and Distorting Behavior

Anna continues by explaining the second manipulation tactic, which is denying the behavior that led to the boundary being set. This can involve gaslighting, where the manipulator denies their actions or distorts them to make the person setting the boundary seem overreactive or misinterpreting the situation. She discusses how manipulative individuals struggle with accepting negative feedback and often have a distorted self-image that they protect by denying their behavior.

10:02

😢 Playing the Victim and Emotional Blackmail

The third paragraph delves into manipulators playing the victim and using emotional blackmail. Anna describes how these individuals may bring up past wrongs or current hardships to justify their behavior or deflect from the issue at hand. She also explains how manipulators may turn the tables by accusing the person setting the boundary of being the real problem, thus deflecting attention away from their own actions. This is done to make the boundary-setter feel defensive and question their own morality.

15:04

😤 Punishment and Ignoring Boundaries

Anna discusses the final tactics manipulators use, including punishing the person for setting a boundary through anger or other negative reactions, and ignoring or violating the boundary in the future. She emphasizes that manipulators are unlikely to respect boundaries and will often test them. The speaker concludes with advice on managing frustration and reinforcing boundaries without expecting to change the manipulator's behavior, as this is an uncontrollable factor.

Keywords

💡Manipulator

A manipulator is someone who uses various tactics to control or influence others, often at the expense of their well-being. In the video's context, manipulators are individuals who use psychological tactics to invalidate or undermine another person's boundaries. For instance, when Anna discusses how manipulators invalidate someone's right to a boundary, she's referring to their attempts to dismiss or question the legitimacy of someone's needs or requests.

💡Boundary

A boundary is a limit or a line that delineates a person's emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual space. In the video, Anna explains how setting boundaries is crucial for protecting one's emotional safety, and how manipulators often react negatively to these boundaries.

💡Invalidation

Invalidation refers to the act of dismissing or denying the feelings, experiences, or perspectives of another person. In the script, Anna gives examples of manipulators invalidating boundaries by saying things like 'you shouldn't feel that way' or 'I don't see why I have to change what I do.'

💡Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in a group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. In the transcript, it's mentioned as a tactic where manipulators deny their past behavior, making the accuser doubt their own memory.

💡Entitlement

Entitlement is a belief that one inherently deserves privileges or special treatment. In the video, Anna describes manipulators as having a sense of entitlement, which leads them to feel they should be able to do whatever they want without limits, often disregarding the boundaries of others.

💡Deflection

Deflection is a tactic where someone averts or shifts blame or responsibility onto another person. Anna discusses how manipulators deflect their behavior onto the person setting the boundary, accusing them of wrongdoing instead of addressing their own actions.

💡Playing the Victim

Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic where the manipulator positions themselves as the one being harmed or mistreated. In the transcript, Anna illustrates how manipulators might bring up past wrongs or current hardships to justify their behavior or to shift the focus away from their actions.

💡Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation where one person forces another to do something by playing on their emotions, particularly their guilt. Anna mentions how manipulators use guilt to make the other person feel like the bad guy, thus avoiding accountability for their actions.

💡Darvo

Darvo stands for 'deny, attack, reverse victim and offender' and is a manipulation tactic where the manipulator denies the behavior, attacks the accuser, and then reverses roles to portray themselves as the victim. Anna explains that this tactic is used to destabilize the accuser and make them question their own morality.

💡Punishment

In the context of the video, punishment refers to the manipulator's attempt to deter the other person from setting boundaries or confronting them by responding with anger or negative consequences. Anna gives examples such as yelling, withdrawing, or stonewalling as ways manipulators punish those who set boundaries.

💡Ignoring/Violating Boundary

Ignoring or violating a boundary is when a person disregards the limits set by another. Anna notes that after all other tactics have failed, manipulators may simply ignore or violate the boundary in the future, showing a lack of respect for the other person's needs.

Highlights

Introduction to the topic of setting boundaries with manipulators

First tactic: Invalidating your right to a boundary

Example of invalidating a boundary by questioning its reasonableness

Characteristics of manipulative people: entitlement, selfishness, lack of empathy

The importance of assessing the validity of boundaries

Second tactic: Denying the behavior for which a boundary is set

Gaslighting as a form of denial

Third tactic: Distorting the behavior to avoid accountability

Justifying behavior as a manipulation tactic

Playing the victim as a manipulation technique

Deflecting by accusing the other person of wrongdoing

Using guilt to manipulate the person setting the boundary

Introducing DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

Punishing the person with anger for setting a boundary

Ignoring or violating the boundary in the future

Roleplay skit demonstrating manipulation tactics

Final thoughts on managing expectations with manipulative individuals

Emotional regulation as a coping mechanism

The importance of adhering to consequences when boundaries are not respected

Transcripts

hi guys welcome or welcome back I'm Anna

Udin I'm a doctor of Clinical Psychology

and a fiction author and today we're

going to talk about what happens when

you try to set a boundary with a

manipulator specifically the nine common

manipulation tactics that you're going

to see after I discuss the nine common

tactics I'm going to have a roleplay a

skit to really show you this in action

so let's get started

[Music]

number one when you try to set a

boundary with somebody manipulative the

very first thing that they're going to

try is probably to invalidate your right

to the boundary or demanding your

reasons to be explained to them so that

they can poke holes into it examples of

invalidating or right to having the

boundary could sound like you shouldn't

feel that way that's not how I mean it I

don't see why I have to change what I do

that's not reasonable I don't understand

an example of somebody demanding your

reasons for a boundary in order to book

Holes into it would be for example let's

say that you want to spend Mother's Day

with the mother of your children your

wife and your mom is mad about that she

might ask you about the specific details

of your daily plans so that she can

figure out a way to shift it back to

what she wants manipulative people often

have a constellation of traits such as

entitlement selfishness lack of empathy

and this means that they're incapable of

putting themselves in the other person's

shoes and imagining why that person

might be setting the boundary they're

setting and they don't think that other

people have a right to be making

requests of them even when it comes to

things like I want to be treated with

basic respect and human dignity because

if a person is entitled they kind of

feel like well I should be able to do

whatever I want no limits imposed now

look some boundaries truly aren't

reasonable and I think we have to be

honest about that assessing the validity

of certain boundaries is okay you know

if somebody's saying I want for you to

look after my kids from this day to this

day and that person cannot do it just

because you're trying to set that

boundary doesn't mean it's valid right

or if you're trying to set a boundary

that limits somebody else's autonomy

just because you call it a boundary

doesn't mean it happens in a vacuum

doesn't mean it's necessarily valid so I

think there's a time in place for a

little bit of push back about boundaries

and a little bit of questions of like

hey like I don't really understand why

you're asking this of me but that's not

really what we're talking about here

we're talking about the ways in which

people respond to reasonable boundaries

that exist to protect a person's

emotional safety and even if you're said

an unreasonable boundary the way that a

person reacts to it should not be

manipulative but rather an open

discussion about why they disagree with

it why they don't think it's reasonable

a manipulative person on the other hand

will continue through this list of

manipulation tactics such as number two

denying the behavior for which you are

stating a boundary which can be in some

cases gaslighting usually when you set a

boundary it's informed by a person's

past Behavior something that they've

done in the recent past but a

manipulative person will not admit that

they took part in that Behavior

manipulative people often have a

personality structure that makes them

unable to accept negative feedback about

their behavior it makes them feel very

ashamed and they're very preoccupied

with seeing themselves as this good and

perfect person and with you seeing them

that way so they will go to extreme

lengths to deny their behavior to

preserve this idealized self-image they

conveniently don't remember things that

you vividly remember happening they

question your memory they seem convinced

that they did not do or say what you are

accusing them of sometimes even if you

have proof and in many cases they truly

believe that it's crazy making and if

you've experienced this enough times

especially over the course of your

formative years then you will truly

start to doubt your own judgment to

second guess yourself even when you know

you remember what happened now in some

cases like I said you might have actual

proof of the behavior written evidence

eyewitnesses a recording court documents

if a manipulative person cannot deny

their behavior they will then resort to

the next technique of distorting the

behavior oh they did do what you said

but you completely misinterpreted it

you're reading all these negative

intentions into it you're overreacting

what they actually did is not that bad

even though you're explaining the ways

in which it was harmful to you there is

no limit to what the human mind will do

in order to preserve self-esteem even

non-manipulative people are capable of

completely rewriting history to avoid

cognitive distortion to be able to sleep

at night given the mistakes that they've

made we fundamentally cannot stand when

we have caused harm to others unless we

consciously decide to practice emotion

regulation and hold ourselves

accountable manipulative people may also

try justifying their behavior yes they

did do what you said that they did but

in their mind it was completely

Justified you asked for it it doesn't

matter how outlandish or hurtful the

behavior was there's always a

justification simply because it's them

we're talking about they want you to

empathize with all the factors that led

to their behavior because at the end of

the day they feel they were right to do

what they did they're not sorry they

don't really see anything wrong with it

they think they should be able to say

and do whatever they want and the irony

is that people who are so LAX with

themselves and quick to make excuses for

themselves are usually quite harsh with

other people when they make a mistake

they can justify the most egregious

violations when it comes to themselves

like being an abusive person but they

think it's out of line if another person

even looks at them the wrong way and

they feel Justified to retaliating

however they see fit when someone is

confronting you about your behavior your

reasons for taking part in that behavior

are not really relevant your intentions

are not relevant the focus should be on

the way that the other person feels and

what they're asking you to change but

manipulative people do not grasp that

something else that manipulative people

will try when you set a boundary is to

play the victim they might bring up ways

in which they were wronged by the world

or even by you they might talk about

their Saab story from their past or what

they're going throughout the current

moment that they feel should justify or

explain what's happening when none of

the affir menion techniques work

manipulators start to pull out more

Insidious tactics at first they've tried

to smooth over their image by changing

your perception of their behavior but if

that doesn't work they're going to

deflect their behavior onto yours and

that is where you might see them

actually accusing you of wronging them

them accusing you of making them a

victim manipulators intrinsically

understand that the best way to shift

Focus off of them is to make someone

feel defensive you know when someone's

accusing you of something you're not

thinking about what they did in that

moment you're thinking about how to

defend yourself so you come to them with

a boundary but now they flipped the

script you're the Violator they're the

victim because ultimately they hold a

very idealized image of themselves they

can do no wrong ever so you're unfair

for suggesting that they can and in

their minds they are a victim you have

no right to demand respect from them

they're entitled to behaving however

they please and you're a mean bully for

standing in their way another technique

that goes hand inand with playing the

victim because both of these are

elements of emotional blackmail is

guilting you many ators don't usually

feel empathy for the person they've hurt

when they're confronted with their

behavior instead they weaponize the

other person's empathy by trying to make

them feel like the bad guy they might

say things like you'll regret this one

day when I'm gone I don't deserve to be

treated this way meaning held

accountable after all I've done for you

this is how you treat me I gave my life

to my children on a silver platter oh I

see maybe you can return all the money I

spent on you it's like you don't even

care how this conflict is affecting my

health I've been going through so much

once a manipulator gets to this phase it

can be extremely stabilizing and

confusing for the person on the

receiving end even the strongest most

informed of people may struggle with

self-doubt at the stage they truly will

start to wonder if they're being unfair

to the other person if they've done

something wrong in the situation and the

irony of it all is that the manipulative

person would never feel guilty for how

they treated you simply because you're

considering the possibility that you

could be in the wrong you were proving

that you're not like them that they're

probably the problem and also related to

these last couple of techniques is

something called darvo which is

basically flipping the script turning it

on you darvo stands for deny attack

reverse victim and offender they deny it

I didn't do what you said they attack by

threatening or intimidating the other

person and they reverse who is the

victim and who is the offender you are

the aggressor in this situation for

standing up for yourself again it's very

destabilizing you start to feel like

you're a terrible person and wonder if

maybe they're right because like I said

the easiest way to get off scot-free is

to make the person you're talking to

start to question their own morality

technique number eight punishing you

with anger if none of the above

techniques have worked the manipulative

person will just try to punish the

behavior punishing in like a

conditioning sense in like a behavioral

psychology definition they're trying to

decrease your behavior by punishing it

through an angry reaction it could be

through yelling it could be through

withdrawing or stonewalling it could be

through violence the methods vary but

one thing stays very consistent they

want to make sure that you never again

confront them about their behavior that

you are too scared to bring up anything

next time and number nine the last thing

that a manipulative person will try when

you set a boundary with them is to

ignore or violate the boundary in the

future a person who has run through all

these manipulation techniques is very

unlikely to really respect your boundary

in the future they will most likely

bulldoze right past it and it will be

really important for you to reinforce it

consistently it's generally expected

that people will try to loosen

boundaries that inconvenience them even

non-manipulative people do this when

they have a boundary that doesn't serve

them so expect it anticipate it and

prepare for it now let me show you a

skit demonstrating all of these

manipulation tactics hey John do you

have a minute yeah what's up yesterday

at lunch I didn't appreciate how you

told the whole table about my family

situation in the future I'd like for you

to keep things I told you in confidence

private wait what what did I do I don't

remember saying anything about your

family notice how John is denying the

behavior here no you did we were talking

about family drama as a group and then

you made a joke about my brother's

disease in front of everyone Ariana I'm

really caught off guard here if I said

something about your brother it was

definitely not to disparage him if

anything I was probably trying to be

supportive again John is denying the

behavior and honestly fearing a little

bit into gaslighting he's rewriting

history and distorting his version of

what happened I believe your exact words

were oh Ariana knows a thing or two

about mentally ill family how exactly

was that being supportive oh you really

misunderstood what I was saying goodness

Ariana no I was not trying to make a

joke about your brother is that how

little you think of me JN is still

denying and gaslighting but he's

starting to sprinkle in turning it on

Ariana she's the one wrong for

misunderstanding him she's being

insulting by suggesting he did something

for which there were multiple

eyewitnesses we all heard it John how

could I be misinterpreting things I

don't know maybe you all decided to turn

on me or something wouldn't be the first

time you guys set out to put me in my

place for speaking openly now John has

decided to play the victim are

originally came to him with a complaint

but now he's trying to flip the

situation so that he's the one who feels

mistreated he's also distorting the

facts of what happened he wasn't making

a malicious joke at someone's expense

using private information given to him

in confidence he was just speaking

openly he's being martyred for being

honest this isn't about you speaking

openly this is about the fact that you

made a cruel joke at my brother's

expense in front of other people look

all I'm asking you to do is just be more

mindful with what you say please don't

tell other people things I've told you

in confidence or use them as the butt of

a joke cruel

joke I'm just shocked to hear this I

don't remember you telling me to keep

your brother situation private when you

told me do I now need to operate as if

everything you tell me is top secret

here John is trying to justify himself

he's framing the boundary as

unreasonable as it could be when in fact

it's quite the bare minimum of course

not only things that are sensitive or

personal you can discern for yourself

what might be appropriate or

inappropriate to share with others if I

haven't explicitly asked you to keep

something private discern for

myself and what if I don't know the

exact call you would want me to make

then I'll be crucified for it like

you're doing now he is again making the

boundary seem unreasonable violating

Ariana's right to it asking questions to

try to poke a hole in this very simple

request all I'm doing is requesting that

you be more careful with what you share

with others about my life I understand

that you feel it's unfair of me to ask

this of you but comparing it to

crucifixion is pretty extreme oh so

you're allowed to just feel however you

want about the situation but I'm not huh

I see how it is come on Ariana have you

never been in the situation where you

put your foot in your mouth you've never

blabbered about the wrong thing before

here John is turning the attention on

Ariana's hypothetical errors trying to

get her to empathize with him so that he

can circumvent the consequences of his

actions he's also starting to get angry

so that he can punish this behavior in

her we're talking about you right now

what you said if you ever feel like I

put my foot in my mouth about something

I urge you to let me know but that's not

the topic of discussion right now you

know John it's starting to feel like

you're deflecting from the topic at hand

oh so what I'm just the worst person in

the world here we see more Angry self

victimization again John is trying to

induce guilt in Ariana for bringing up a

boundary or complaint what I never said

that again all I'm asking of you is to

be more sensitive when sharing personal

things about my life with

others got it yeah yeah yeah I'll just

keep my mouth shut and speak when spoken

to from here on out out at this point

John is angry he's getting ready to

Stonewall he's punishing Ariana for

setting a boundary so that she'll be too

scared to set another one in the future

and hold him accountable I've said my

piece I don't think this conversation is

constructive anymore so have a nice

day

sorry goodness Ariana no I was not

trying to make a

joke so cute monkey girl go ahead go

ahead

oh you really misunderstood what I was

trying to

say

um cruel

joke cruel

joke I'm just shocked to hear this I

don't recall you asking me about your

brother's situation

oh cruel

joke you really misunderstood what I was

saying oh that was the last one cruel

joke

what is this monkey girl she's fine it's

perfect for the

bloopers cruel joke I'm really shocked

to hear

this show her to the camera her butthole

not her butthole she does a good enough

job of that

c she's drooling on

it

m so

cute final thoughts look don't expect a

manipulative person to change even if

you stick to your guns don't expect them

to not practice these techniques don't

expect that you can change the way that

they are or even really control their

reactions the important part is not that

they adhere to your boundary but rather

that you adhere to the consequence of

that boundary not being respected so do

manage your frustration with their

manipulativeness but without trying to

change their manipulativeness because if

you're trying to change them as a person

you're trying to change something that

is ultimately uncont controllable and

you'll feel very powerless and

frustrated about it so yes do practice

emotion regulation about how frustrating

it is maybe you also feel other emotions

like grief or sadness or guilt process

through that do not try to change them

except that they are the way that they

are and ultimately keep reinforcing the

boundary and adhering to the consequence

of when they inevitably do not respect

it if you'd like to learn more about

this the skills required for healthy

relationships are in the connection

course so check that out take care

[Music]