Why Your Perfectionism Makes Life Impossible
Summary
TLDRThis video explores the transformation of perfectionism from a curse into a blessing. It delves into the roots of perfectionism, often stemming from unattainable standards set during upbringing. The script distinguishes between personal standard perfectionism and external concern perfectionism, highlighting how the latter can be detrimental. Through scientific insights, it suggests strategies to harness perfectionism positively by developing personal standards and learning from mistakes without being derailed by the fear of others' opinions.
Takeaways
- 🧠 Perfectionism often stems from high or unreachable standards set during upbringing, such as parents or siblings' expectations.
- 👨👩👧👦 The 'Golden Child' syndrome can contribute to perfectionism, where one feels the pressure to live up to an idealized family member's achievements.
- 🤔 There are two types of perfectionism: personal standard perfectionism (PSP), where one sets high standards for themselves, and external concern perfectionism (ECP), which is driven by the fear of others' judgments.
- 🧬 ECP is linked to the medial frontal gyrus in the brain, which can hinder learning from mistakes by redirecting attention away from errors.
- 🧘♀️ Coaching can be beneficial for perfectionists as it helps to identify personal goals, overcome obstacles, and conquer procrastination.
- 🧗♀️ Personal standard perfectionism activates a different part of the brain, allowing individuals to slow down and learn from their mistakes, leading to improvement over time.
- 💡 The key to harnessing perfectionism is not to reduce the concern for others' opinions but to develop personal standards and self-respect.
- 🛠️ When making a mistake, instead of distracting oneself, perfectionists should slow down and focus on the problem to facilitate learning and growth.
- 🎯 Developing personal standards means asking oneself what would make them personally happy with a task, rather than just focusing on external approval.
- 🏆 High ECP combined with high PSP can lead to the best outcomes in life, as it balances the striving for perfection with personal satisfaction and resilience.
Q & A
What is the main focus of the video script?
-The main focus of the video script is to discuss how to transform the curse of perfectionism into a blessing by understanding its origins and how it affects the brain.
What are the two types of perfectionism mentioned in the script?
-The two types of perfectionism mentioned are personal standard perfectionism (PSP) and external concern perfectionism (ECP).
What is the origin of perfectionism according to the script?
-Perfectionism often originates from high or unreachable standards set during childhood, such as overly critical parents or the 'Golden Child' syndrome.
How does the brain adapt to perfectionism?
-The brain adapts to perfectionism by developing a tendency to avoid the pain of falling short, which can lead to a lack of resilience when mistakes are made.
What is the role of the medial frontal gyrus in perfectionism?
-The medial frontal gyrus is a part of the brain that shifts attention away from mistakes, which can prevent individuals from learning and correcting those mistakes.
How does the script suggest dealing with the curse of perfectionism?
-The script suggests dealing with perfectionism by developing personal standards and slowing down when making mistakes, rather than distracting oneself.
What is the difference between the advice given to perfectionists and the approach suggested in the script?
-Common advice to perfectionists might be to care less about others' opinions, whereas the script suggests adding personal standards to one's existing external concern perfectionism.
Why is it difficult for people with high ECP to change their wiring?
-It is difficult because their upbringing and environment have conditioned them to care deeply about others' opinions, making it hard to change that ingrained mindset.
How can someone with high ECP improve their performance in life?
-By developing personal standards and slowing down to learn from mistakes, individuals with high ECP can improve their performance and outperform those with lower levels of perfectionism.
What is the significance of the anterior singulate cortex in personal standard perfectionism?
-In personal standard perfectionism, the anterior singulate cortex activates, causing individuals to slow down and pay attention to mistakes, which helps them improve over time.
What is the role of HG coaching as mentioned in the script?
-HG coaching is designed to help individuals discover their life goals, overcome obstacles, conquer procrastination, and find motivation, rather than just treating mental illness.
Outlines
🔍 Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism
The paragraph delves into the origins of perfectionism, highlighting its emergence from unattainably high standards often set during childhood. It discusses how parental expectations and the 'Golden Child' syndrome can instill a fear of falling short. The speaker introduces the concept of coaching as a means to address not just mental health but also to discover personal goals, overcome procrastination, and find motivation. The coaching process is described as intensive and personalized, with coaches being rigorously trained to ensure quality. The discussion also distinguishes between two types of perfectionism: personal standard perfectionism, which is self-imposed, and external concern perfectionism, which stems from the desire to meet others' expectations. The latter is identified as the more damaging form.
🧠 The Neuroscience of Perfectionism
This section explores the neurological aspects of perfectionism, focusing on how the brain responds to mistakes. It explains that external concern perfectionism (ECP) is linked to the medial frontal gyrus, a part of the brain that shifts attention away from current tasks. The speaker uses research to illustrate how individuals with high ECP tend to avoid confronting their mistakes, which hinders their ability to learn and grow. The narrative contrasts this with personal standard perfectionism (PSP), where the anterior cingulate cortex is activated, leading to a slowdown in thought and a focus on the mistake, allowing for improvement over time. The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding these brain responses to address the challenges of perfectionism effectively.
🚀 Harnessing Perfectionism for Success
The speaker proposes strategies to transform the 'curse' of perfectionism into a 'blessing'. They suggest that instead of trying to reduce external concern perfectionism (ECP), individuals should focus on increasing their personal standard perfectionism (PSP). The advice includes slowing down when making mistakes to allow the brain to process them effectively, rather than avoiding them. Additionally, the speaker encourages developing personal standards and expectations, which can lead to a balance between caring about others' opinions and setting one's own goals. This approach is presented as a way to leverage the striving for perfection into achieving higher personal and professional success.
🌟 Achieving Excellence Through Perfectionism
In the final paragraph, the speaker encapsulates the message that with the right approach, perfectionism can be a powerful tool for achieving excellence. They emphasize that it's not about eradicating perfectionism but about augmenting it with personal standards and self-respect. The speaker concludes by reinforcing the idea that by integrating personal standards with a desire to meet external expectations, individuals can surpass those who are solely driven by their own standards or those who disregard external opinions. The paragraph ends on an optimistic note, suggesting that this balanced approach can lead to the best outcomes in life.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Perfectionism
💡Golden Boy Syndrome
💡Personal Standard Perfectionism (PSP)
💡External Concern Perfectionism (ECP)
💡Medial Frontal Gyrus
💡Coaching
💡Resilience
💡Mental Illness
💡Neuroanatomy
💡Procrastination
💡Motivation
Highlights
Understanding the origins of perfectionism, often stemming from high or unreachable standards set during upbringing.
Perfectionism can be influenced by 'Golden Boy' syndrome or unrealistic expectations from parents.
The brain adapts to perfectionism by learning to avoid the pain of falling short.
Coaching can help individuals overcome perfectionism by setting personal goals and conquering procrastination.
There are two types of perfectionism: personal standard perfectionism and external concern perfectionism.
External concern perfectionism is often more damaging as it is influenced by the opinions of others.
Perfectionism can be rooted in childhood experiences with harsh or narcissistic parenting.
The medial frontal gyrus in the brain is associated with external concern perfectionism.
People with high external concern perfectionism tend to avoid mistakes and lack resilience to fix problems.
In contrast, personal standard perfectionists slow down and pay attention to mistakes, leading to improvement over time.
Advice to 'just care less' is not effective for those with high external concern perfectionism.
It's easier to develop personal standard perfectionism than to reduce external concern perfectionism.
Developing personal standards can help high external concern perfectionists outperform those with only personal standard perfectionism.
When making a mistake, slowing down can help high external concern perfectionists.
Developing a personal standard for tasks can shift perfectionists into a more productive mindset.
High external concern perfectionism can be a blessing when combined with personal standard perfectionism.
Adding personal resilience and self-respect can allow perfectionists to achieve the best in life.
Transcripts
today we're going to learn how to take
the curse of perfectionism and turn it
into a
[Music]
blessing so we have to start by
understanding where perfectionism comes
from and usually perfectionism comes
from very very high or unreachable
standards when we're growing up so this
can look like parents who want you to be
perfect all the time and won't settle
for anything less than 100% sometimes
this also looks like a situation
of Golden Boy syndrome or even having an
older brother who's a golden boy or
Golden Girl your older brother or sister
did a great job at this went to Harvard
was valedictorian did this got married
at the right time had kids at the right
time and so you've got really big shoes
to fil and so what is a child in that
situation learn how does the brain adapt
to that that situation what the brain
learns is to avoid the pain of falling
short hey y'all I want to talk for a
second about HG coaching a lot of people
wonder why do I need to sign up for
coaching can't I just DIY it can't I
watch another YouTube video and you're
right you can absolutely do those things
which is why we offer those resources
but one thing that I found is that
people who try to do things by
themselves take a really long time to do
it and my experience has been that the
earlier that you get your life together
the better your life will be so coaching
is designed to not help people treat
Mental Illness but discover things like
what you want out of life what's holding
you back how to conquer procrastination
and how to find motivation and I have
worked with each and every one of our
coaches I work with them for eight weeks
to make sure they're of the highest
quality and they really represent what
we offer at HG so if y'all are
interested check out the link in the
description below if we look at the
brain there are actually two kinds of
perfectionism there's personal standard
perfectionism which is sort of the
standard that you set for yourself and
always wanting to be better and then
there's also something called external
concern perfectionism so this is
perfectionism that is rooted in the
opinions of others everyone around you
expects you to be perfect or you want to
be perfect for their sake in an order to
make them happy and it's this ECP this
external concern perfectionism that is
usually damaging and sabotaging and in
order to understand how we have to sort
of come back to the roots of
perfectionism so if you're highly
perfectionistic chances are you grew up
in a situation where there were
unrealistic standards so this can look
like harsh narcissistic or tiger parents
who expected you to be perfect and no
matter how hard you try they were always
disappointed or if you did perfect
that's the norm so if you were at the
top of your class that's just what they
expect that's the Baseline and so if you
sort of think about perfectionism you
can either do normal or you can
disappoint there's no way to make your P
parents proud if they're expecting you
to be at the top of the class all the
time sometimes this also happens in a
case of like Golden Boy or golden girl
where you have an older brother or
sister who did awesome right so really
harsh parents really high expectations
and your sibling knocked it out of the
park which means now you're expected to
do it too because your parents have
unrealistic expectations but they were
able to pull it off so now you should be
able to pull it off the end result
though is that you grow up in a
situation where you can't win the best
you can do is break even or lose and
what does that do to the brain it turns
out that personal standard perfectionism
and external concern perfectionism
actually live in different parts of the
brain external concern perfectionism
comes from this part of our brain called
the medial frontal gyrus you don't need
to worry about where the neuro Anatomy
is the important thing is what the
medial frontal gyrus is for in what it
actually does so this is a part of our
brain that redirects attention it
actually shifts attention away from what
we're doing right now to something else
now this may sound kind of weird but
this is where thankfully we've got good
scientific experiments that explain how
this works so a group of researchers
took a group of people who were high in
personal standard perfectionism or PSP
versus people who had high ECP and then
they gave them a task in which you make
mistakes and then they measured the
brain activity for both of these groups
of people when they were making mistakes
and here's what they discovered so when
someone who is external concern
perfectionism is high right you've had
these crippling parents who were always
trying to you to be perect and you could
never do good enough what these people
end up doing is anytime they make a
mistake the medial frontal gyrus
activates and stops thinking about the
mistake that you made because remember
when you were growing up nothing you can
do is ever good enough so anytime you
fall short what did your mind do and you
may have noticed this in your own life
that anytime you had to tell your
parents that you got to be you just
retreated mentally from the conversation
you like knew ahead of time that you
were screwed no matter what so you just
started distracting yourself you told
them hey here's the report card or if
you're like me you actually walked out
to the mailbox and took the report card
out of the mailbox so that your parents
wouldn't see it and your parents are
like Hey where's the report card and
you're like I don't know maybe they made
a mistake you just avoided the situation
entirely and even when they found out
you mentally checked out you became numb
and it didn't really hurt because it
hurt too much instead of focusing on our
mistakes this part of our brain
activates and shifts our attention away
from our mistakes in order to protect us
in doing so it fcks us because now we
don't actually repair our mistakes and
this is the curse of perfectionism which
is that you want to do a great job you
want to do a great job you want to do a
great job but anytime you screw up you
don't have the resilience to actually
fix the problem you just end up beating
yourself up you end up numbing yourself
out out you end end up feeling like
there's nothing you can do to win this
game and the reason you feel that way is
because literally the part of your brain
that learns from mistakes is handicapped
by the MFG medial frontal gyrus and the
medial frontal gyrus starts thinking
about other things why does it do that
because when you were growing up that's
all it could do because you had parents
who could never be made happy so if you
think about it if you have parents who
are never going to be happy the only
adaptation your brain has is to numb
itself out because there's no way you
can make them happy so solving the
problem doesn't work and so literally
your brain stops solving the problem now
let's look at personal standard
perfectionism so these are people who
have a high standard for themselves so
in personal standard perfectionism a
completely different part of the brain
activates and a completely different
thing happens so the anterior singulate
cortex or the medial singulate cortex
some different part of the brain
activates and what these people do when
they make a mistake is they slow down
their thinking and they actually pay
attention to the problem
literally their cognition slow down so
what we see when we give these two
people tasks in which they're supposed
to make mistakes is that the person with
PSP makes a mistake once slows down
their thinking and then improves with
the task over time makes fewer mistakes
whereas the person with the external
concern perfectionism avoids whatever
the task is as soon as they figure out
they've made a mistake and starts
thinking about other things so they
actually don't improve over time the
problem when we struggle with
perfectionism is that the advice that we
get sucks because people out there will
tell you oh just do less good or just
stop caring what other people think or
just learn how to S set boundaries cut
out these toxic people from your life
but if you are perfectionistic you know
that you carry that perfectionism With
You from One relationship to the next to
the next and the whole point is that
when you are perfectionistic the your
brain is like different from somebody
else's brain you've been wired to care
about what other people think whereas
these people with personal standard
perfectionism they're actually okay
ignoring the rest of the world but the
reason they're okay with that and the
reason they give you that advice is
because their upbringing was different
where they could afford to not care so
now this is where things get really
interesting because how do we solve this
problem and this is where we're going to
actually show y'all okay so let's take a
quick look so over here we have
personal
standard
perfectionism or
PSP over here we have external concern
perfectionism or
ECP and now what we know is that you can
have high or low of each of these
quantities okay so if I have high
external concern in low personal
standard okay so this is where you are
chances are if you're perfectionistic
this is where you are which means that
you want to be perfect for other people
but you don't expect a whole lot from
yourself now here's the problem if we
listen to all these fers out there who
are like just care less about what other
people think what we'll actually do is
move into this column so not only do you
not give a about what other people think
but you don't give what you think to
begin with so now you're over here and
you give no right so there's like zero
concern and this leads to the worst
outcomes these people do the worst in
life they don't care about themselves
they don't care about anyone else maybe
you're down here and if you're down
there my heart goes out to you now
here's the really interesting thing
people may think that being in this
column is the best high personal
standard I care about what I think and I
don't care about anyone else I'm going
to live my life according to my rules
and other people's disrespect or
disappointment me I don't really care
about that doesn't bother me I'm happy
and that's what's important these people
do better than these people so these
people do the worst these people which
is probably all do bad these people do
okay but here's the cool thing these
people do the best and so the wild thing
here is we don't want to move you from
here to here because it's really hard to
change that wiring it's really hard to
stop caring about what other people
think when you grew up in an environment
where your survival and happiness
depended on what other people think
what's actually way easier is for you to
move this way so instead of stopping to
care about other people and the cool
thing there is that in the same way that
the personal standard perfectionism
people it's hard for them to start
caring about what other people think if
you can make this shift into setting a
standard for yourself in addition to
caring what other people think because
we can't change that you will actually
outperform the person who doesn't give a
sh about anyone else and it's actually
hard for them to start caring about what
other people think it's hard to move on
the ECP axis it's easier to move on the
PSP axis okay I know that's kind of
confusing but the tldr is that we don't
want to change the way that you think
around other people that's not how we're
going to harness perfectionism we're
going to leave that there because you've
tried to fix it and it hasn't really
worked so far and what's actually easier
is harnessing the personal standard
perfection
and what that literally means is
learning to set a standard for yourself
so there are two things that you can do
to boost your PSP the first is when you
make a mistake slow down remember that
what we learned from kind of these
studies on mistakes and ECP and PSP is
that when someone makes a mistake and
they have high ECP their medial frontal
gyrus activates they distract themselves
whereas the PSP person slows down so
instead what I want you all to do the
next time you make a mistake catch
yourself there's going to be a a part of
your mind that feels very squirly it's
like it's going to try to move over here
it's going to try to move over there
it's going to try to do anything but sit
with the feeling or the thoughts or
whatever you have in that moment so what
you need to do is don't distract just
slow down the good news is you don't
have to fix anything right that's where
the perfectionists fall into this this
trap which is like how do I fix it how
do I fix it you don't have to fix it all
you have to do is pay attention to the
problem that'll disable the medial
frontal gyrus and then thankfully the
rest of your brain will start to act so
just slow it down anytime you make a
mistake tip number one second thing that
you need to do is develop a standard for
yourself so if you have a high level of
ECP and you're very perfectionistic
anytime you approach a task you don't
think about you you never ask yourself
the question what would I be happy with
why because it's a dumb question who
cares what I would be happy with it
matters what other people think and why
do you think that way it's because you
used to have an opinion when you were a
kid and your parents didn't give a
so you stopped giving a about your
opinion that needs to change so anytime
you're faced with a task notice that
your instinctive response is to think
about how to make other people happy how
do I succeed how do I be perfect and
instead ask yourself what would I be
happy with pretend the rest of the world
did not exist would a b be okay for me
do I need to get an A or an A+ do I need
to be at the top of my class what would
make me happy and then hopefully what
you're able to do is as you perform you
can hold both of those things at the
same time other people may have been
disappointed in you but at least you can
take some pride in your performance and
the beautiful thing is that if you do
this if you literally just slow down
anytime you make a mistake you don't
have to fix it you don't have to make
anyone happy you don't have to make
yourself happy literally just slow down
and you start to develop personal
standards for yourself you will actually
shift into the high PSP and high ECP
column and if you're able to shift into
that column you will actually
outperform all of the people who are
just doing whatever they want to in life
and just hold themselves to their
personal standards you will actually be
able to outperform all those hyper
independent people that you wish you
could be like all these people that are
giving you this crappy advice of just
stop caring about other people if you
really look at things like median income
and performance in life what you'll
discover is that high ECP can be a
blessing if you can inject some of your
personal standard perfectionism feels
like a curse because no matter how hard
we try we seem to always disappoint
people and the good news is that that
degree of striving for Perfection can
actually allow you to achieve the best
things in life all you need to do is add
some of that personal resilience in
there add some self-respect and add some
expectations for yourself for your
benefit and it's not so much about
fixing the perfectionism or wiping it
away or becoming someone else because
that's hard what it's really about is
adding this additional component which
will allow you to outperform everybody
[Music]
else
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Why Brené Brown Says Perfectionism Is a 20-Ton Shield | Oprah's Lifeclass | Oprah Winfrey Network
Perfectionism is destroying your productivity.
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