Why dating advice is terrible: half right is all wrong
Summary
TLDRDr. Orion Taban critiques the effectiveness of conventional dating advice, arguing that it often fails to address the dual nature of relationships: psychological and economic factors. He posits that while psychological advice is prevalent, focusing on self-improvement and communication, it overlooks the economic aspect of mate selection in the sexual marketplace. Conversely, advice focusing solely on physical attractiveness and social status neglects the psychological dynamics. Taban advocates for a balanced approach, suggesting that while both aspects are crucial, attractiveness often holds more sway in the dating world.
Takeaways
- 📜 Dr. Orion Taban discusses why most dating advice is inadequate, suggesting it often fails to account for the complexities of the 'sexual marketplace'.
- 💭 The script argues that dating advice is often based on idealistic perceptions rather than the practical realities of dating and relationships.
- 🔄 Dr. Taban explains that successful relationships require a balance of both psychological and economic components, which many dating advice models overlook.
- 🤔 The advice often focuses solely on psychological factors, such as emotional intelligence and communication, neglecting the economic aspects like physical attractiveness and social status.
- 🚫 The script criticizes the 'therapize' culture that assumes all relationship issues can be resolved through introspection and self-awareness.
- 👫 It points out that even the best communicators and partners can struggle in relationships if they don't offer what the 'sexual marketplace' values.
- 💰 Conversely, advice that focuses only on economic factors, like physical appearance and wealth, is also flawed as it ignores the psychological aspects of relationships.
- 🤝 The ideal dating advice should consider both attractiveness and goodness, but if one must be prioritized, attractiveness often has a more significant impact.
- 📚 Dr. Taban's book, 'The Value of Others', delves deeper into the economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice for navigating the 'sexual marketplace'.
- 🌟 The script concludes by encouraging readers to consider both their psychological and economic value in the context of dating and relationships.
Q & A
What is the main argument presented by Dr. Orion Taban in the script?
-Dr. Orion Taban argues that most dating advice is inadequate because it either focuses solely on psychological aspects or economic aspects, ignoring the reality that successful relationships require a balance of both.
Why does Dr. Taban believe that dating advice often fails to provide a complete picture?
-Dr. Taban believes dating advice fails because it tends to oversimplify the complexities of human relationships by focusing on either psychological factors like emotional intelligence and communication, or economic factors like physical attractiveness and social status, without acknowledging the interplay between the two.
What does Dr. Taban suggest is the fundamental principle in the game of mating and dating?
-The fundamental principle, according to Dr. Taban, is that everyone is attempting to get and keep their perceived best option, making the perception of value and best option central to all human relationships.
How does Dr. Taban describe the two components of relationships?
-Dr. Taban describes the two components of relationships as perception, which is psychological, and value, which is economic.
What does Dr. Taban suggest is the reason for the failure of popular dating advice?
-Dr. Taban suggests that popular dating advice fails because it approaches dating as if it's either purely psychological or purely economic, rather than recognizing that relationships are a combination of both.
What does Dr. Taban mean by 'sexual marketplace'?
-The 'sexual marketplace' refers to the broader context in which individuals compete for relationships based on their perceived value, which includes both psychological and economic factors.
Why does Dr. Taban argue that being attractive is more critical in the sexual marketplace than being a good person?
-Dr. Taban argues that being attractive is more critical because it directly influences one's perceived value in the sexual marketplace, and people are more likely to compete for the company of those who are more attractive, even if they have less desirable personality traits.
What does Dr. Taban suggest as the ideal approach to dating advice?
-The ideal approach, according to Dr. Taban, is to be both a good and attractive partner, as this combination is more likely to lead to successful relationships in the long run.
What is the title of Dr. Taban's book, and what does it discuss?
-The title of Dr. Taban's book is 'The Value of Others'. It delves into his economic model of relationships, explains the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating, and provides actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what one wants in the sexual marketplace.
How does Dr. Taban view the role of self-improvement in the context of dating and relationships?
-Dr. Taban views self-improvement as essential, suggesting that individuals should aim to enhance both their psychological well-being and their perceived economic value to be optimally successful in the sexual marketplace.
What does Dr. Taban recommend for those who want to improve their chances in the sexual marketplace?
-Dr. Taban recommends that individuals should focus on improving both their psychological attributes, such as emotional intelligence and communication skills, and their economic attributes, such as physical attractiveness and social status.
Outlines
💔 The Flaws in Dating Advice
Dr. Orion Taban discusses the inadequacies of conventional dating advice, arguing that much of it is disconnected from the realities of the sexual marketplace. He emphasizes that while dating advice may seem plausible, it often fails to account for the complex interplay of psychological and economic factors in relationships. Dr. Taban suggests that the most popular advice tends to focus solely on psychological aspects, such as emotional healing and communication, neglecting the economic component of perceived value in the dating market. He critiques the 'therapize' culture that assumes all relationship issues can be resolved through introspection and self-awareness, while overlooking the importance of physical attractiveness and other marketable attributes in the dating game.
🔄 The Economic Model of Relationships
This paragraph delves into the economic model of relationships, where Dr. Taban explains that relationships are not isolated events but are part of a larger sexual marketplace. He posits that even the most empathetic and communicative individuals may struggle to maintain relationships if they cannot outcompete their sexual competition. The advice in this segment challenges the belief that relationship success is solely dependent on personal qualities and argues that the existence of 'better options' can significantly impact relationship stability. Dr. Taban promotes his book, 'The Value of Others,' which provides an in-depth exploration of his economic model of relationships and offers actionable advice for navigating the sexual marketplace more effectively.
💰 Prioritizing Attractiveness in Relationships
In the final paragraph, Dr. Taban addresses the other side of the dating advice spectrum, which focuses on economic factors like physical appearance and social status, often to the exclusion of psychological aspects. He acknowledges that while attractiveness and other marketable traits are important, they are not the sole determinants of relationship success. The paragraph concludes with a call to balance both attractiveness and psychological well-being, suggesting that while it is ideal to be both a good and attractive partner, if one must prioritize, attractiveness may hold a slight edge due to its influence in the sexual marketplace. Dr. Taban invites feedback from listeners and encourages them to share the episode with others who might benefit from the insights.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Dating Advice
💡Sexual Marketplace
💡Perceived Value
💡Psychological Factors
💡Economic Factors
💡Therapize
💡Interpersonal Dynamics
💡Sexual Market Value (SMV)
💡Attraction
💡Self-Sabotage
💡Goodness
Highlights
Most dating advice is not practical and is often based on idealized notions rather than the realities of the dating market.
The success in relationships depends on accepting the reality of the dating market, which can be difficult.
Popular dating advice often misses the mark because it oversimplifies relationships as purely psychological or economic.
Relationships have both psychological and economic components, and neither can be ignored for success.
The majority of dating advice focuses on psychological aspects, neglecting the economic factors of attractiveness and market value.
Some dating advice suggests that relationship issues stem from unresolved emotional wounds or poor self-love.
The belief that therapy and self-awareness can solve all relationship problems is overextended and unrealistic.
Physical attractiveness plays a significant role in the dating market, contrary to advice that ignores its importance.
The dating market rewards certain attributes, and ignoring this fact can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships.
Some advice focuses on interpersonal dynamics, such as communication and compromise, but overlooks the broader market context.
Even the best communicators can struggle in relationships if they cannot compete with more attractive options.
The speaker's book, 'The Value of Others,' delves into an economic model of relationships and provides actionable advice.
The book challenges readers to reconsider their views on relationships after understanding the sexual marketplace.
A small subset of dating advice focuses solely on economic factors like physical appearance and wealth.
While attractiveness matters, it is not the only factor in relationships; personality traits also play a crucial role.
The best dating advice should include both psychological and economic perspectives for optimal success.
If one must prioritize, being attractive is often more advantageous in the dating market than being 'good'.
The speaker encourages feedback and sharing of the episode with others who might benefit from this perspective.
Transcripts
I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psyx
Better Living Through psychology and the
topic of today's short talk is why
dating advice is
terrible the fact of the matter is that
most dating advice isn't worth the paper
that it's printed on much of it can
sound good and plausible but that is
often because separated in the moment of
consumption from the realities of the
sexual Marketplace it describes how
people would like dating to be or how
people believe dating should be the
reality of course is neither it is what
it is and the more people can move in
the direction of accepting that reality
as painful and difficult as it might be
the more success they will eventually
have in their
relationships in my opinion even the
best of the most popular dating advice
only ever gets it half right and there's
actually a very simple reason why this
is the case as I discuss in my book the
fundamental principle in the game of
mating and dating is that everyone is
attempting to get and keep their
perceived best option if this is true
then the perception perceived of value
best option is at the heart of all human
relationships and this means that
relationships always have two two
components perception which is
psychological and value which is
economic the most popular dating advice
tends to fail because it approaches
dating as if it's either one or the
other that is either it's all
psychological and so relationship
problems can be solved entirely by
psychological means or it's all economic
and so relationship problems can be
solved entirely by economic means in
reality relationships are both and any
model that focuses on one without the
other is doomed to failure let's discuss
what that might look
like by far the overwhelming majority of
daing advice fails because it focuses
exclusively on the psychological and
completely avoids the economic this
advice fundamentally assumes that all
relationship issues can either be
addressed INTC cych that is within the
minds of the individuals in question or
interpersonally that is within the
dynamic of the couple in question you'll
recognize this immediately when I give
you some examples dating advice that
focuses on intra psychic components
holds out the promise that the main
thing standing between most people and
the relationships they want is their
unhealed emotional wounding from
childhood or their inability to love
themselves or their lack of awareness
into the Dynamics of their family of
origin or their lingering Trauma from
previous relationships or their tendency
to self-sabotage or their low self-worth
that leads them to accept less than they
deserve or a lack of appreciation for
their attachment Styles etc etc etc like
I could go on and on this perspective is
a symptom of the
therapize which believes that most or
even all problems can be solved by
therapy introspection and self-awareness
they can't this perspective has some
validity but it has become narcissistic
in its
overextension it may be difficult to
hear but a person could be the most
psychologically stable emotionally
intelligent securely attached individual
on the planet and if he or she is
unattractive it will be difficult for
that person to get and keep a
relationship men don't think damn
look at the size of that woman's
assertiveness oh got to get a piece of
that and women don't men because
they are emotionally available like
these are not the attributes that the
other side rewards in the sexual
Marketplace Don't Kill the Messenger
believing that this shouldn't be the
case is pointless it is what it is
what's more a lot of this dating advice
focuses on the interpersonal Dimension
the dynamic that exists between the
individuals in question this perspective
holds out the promise that the main
thing standing between most people and
the relationships they want is their
inability to communicate or their
unwillingness to compromise or their
lack of appreciation for the others love
language or their resistance to
emotional vulnerability or their poor
boundaries or their reluctance to argue
etc etc etc I could go on and on this
perspective is flawed because it
intellectually isol the couple from the
larger context in which it is embedded
it isn't this perspective has some
validity but it ignores the fact that
relationships do not occur in a vacuum
rather they always exist even if you are
married even if you are soulmates in the
context of the overarching sexual
Marketplace it may be difficult to hear
but a person could be the most empathic
Communicator the most conscientious
partner and the most differential lover
and if a better option exists it will be
difficult for this person to get and
keep a
relationship if you cannot beat out your
intersexual competition it's less likely
that you will be selected for a
relationship and it's less likely that
you will retain any relationship for
which you were selected believing that
this shouldn't be the case is pointless
it is what it is
if you appreciate the insights on this
channel I would highly encourage you to
get your hands on a copy of my book the
value of others over the course of 432
pages I delve deep into my economic
model of relationships and explain the
behavior of both men and women in the
game of mating and dating I also provide
a lot of actionable advice on how to get
and keep more of what you want in the
sexual Marketplace once you read the
value of others you'll never look at
relationships the same way again now
available in ebook audiobook and
paperback formats the links are in the
description now the other side of this
problem is dating advice that
exclusively focuses on the economic and
ignores the psychological this is
definitely a smaller proportion of the
circulating advice but it exists
nonetheless you'll recognize this
immediately when I give you some
examples dating advice that focuses on
economic components holds out the
promise that the main thing standing
between most people and the relationship
they want is their body mass index or
their fashion sense or their bank
accounts or their game or their social
status or their height or their curves
etc etc etc I could go on and on this
perspective fails because it assumes
that everything about relationships
depends not only on sexual Marketplace
value but on essence smv in its most
standardized and imp personal sense
namely normalized sexual Marketplace
value it doesn't though to be honest it
does matter more than we would
collectively like to admit smv is not
the whole story but it is absolutely the
case that more attractive people are
more frequently selected for
relationships negotiate more favorable
terms for themselves in those
relationships and retain their
relationships more successfully against
their inter seexual competition like
relationships are easier if you are
attractive and everyone can be more
attracted than they currently are so
this component is ignored and vilified
at people's own
risk that said relationships absolutely
don't turn on the fulcrum of
attractiveness a rich handsome arrogant
man and a beautiful sexy entitled woman
are both very difficult to date like all
the benefits they provide might be
completely nullified by their toxic
personalities and sociopathic tendencies
however For Better or For Worse people
will still try to date them and people
will still try to make it work with them
and they will try longer and harder to
make it work with them before they give
up why because they are attractive
believing that this shouldn't be the
case is pointless it is what it is of
course the best dating advice should
include both perspectives the ideal is
to be a good and attractive
partner however this is very difficult
and extremely expensive most people
can't do both so what happens is that
people selectively emphasize the
component in which they are stronger and
denigrate the component in which they
are weaker basically good people think
they shouldn't have to be
attractive attractiveness is superficial
and materialistic goodness is all that
should matter and attractive people
think they shouldn't have to be good
goodness is Impractical and naive
attractiveness is all that should matter
if you want to be optimally successful
in the sexual Marketplace in the long
run you need to be both
however if you absolutely had to
prioritize one component over the other
you should air on the side of being
attractive if you have more of what more
people most want you will be a wash in
relationships of all kinds and people
will compete for the privilege of your
company it is what it is what do you
think does this fit with your own
experience let me know in the comments
below and please send this episode to
someone who you think might benefit from
this message because it's Word of Mouth
referrals like this that really help to
make the channel grow and anyone looking
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book a paid consultation can do so on my
website the links are all down below as
always I appreciate your support and
thank you for listening
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