Why There’s So Much Conflict at Work and What You Can Do to Fix It | Liz Kislik | TEDxBaylorSchool

Summary

This insightful presentation explores the underlying structures of workplace conflict, challenging the misconception that people are the sole cause. The speaker, drawing from 30 years of experience, outlines five steps to address and resolve conflict effectively. These include identifying non-functional individuals, asking the right questions, aligning team goals, finding allies, and teaching new communication habits. The approach emphasizes the importance of understanding the root causes of conflict to foster better organizational and interpersonal dynamics.

Takeaways

• 😀 Conflict is often seen as an interpersonal issue, but it's just the visible part of a larger problem.
• 🔍 The belief that conflict can be resolved by simply changing people's behavior often perpetuates the problem.
• 🏗️ To resolve conflict, one must look beyond the surface and examine the underlying structures, such as company history, culture, and processes.
• 👥 The conflict between two senior executives, Amy and Bill, was not just a communication issue but stemmed from deeper departmental and functional differences.
• 🚫 It's important to first rule out if a single dysfunctional individual is the source of the conflict, such as a bully or an incompetent person.
• 🤔 Asking the right questions to the right people—those experiencing the situation firsthand—can reveal the true nature of the conflict.
• 🧠 Understanding that each person's perspective is limited by their experiences and perceptions is crucial for gaining a comprehensive view.
• 🎯 Ensuring everyone has a consistent understanding of goals, responsibilities, and decision-making processes is key to resolving conflict.
• 🤝 Finding allies at all levels of the organization can help implement necessary changes and create a critical mass for conflict resolution.
• 🛠 Teaching new habits for managing differences, such as 'lizard listening' and the 'evil-logic check,' can help individuals navigate conflict more effectively.
• 🐘 Utilizing tools like 'elephant cards' to address uncomfortable but important topics can open up communication channels and resolve underlying issues.

Q & A

What is the common misconception about conflict according to the speaker?

The speaker suggests that a common misconception is that conflict would not exist if people, who are often seen as the source of conflict, would just get themselves together and work things out.

What does the speaker emphasize as the underlying cause of conflict in organizations?

The speaker emphasizes that the underlying cause of conflict in organizations is not just interpersonal issues but deeply embedded structures, including company history, cultural norms, work processes, and procedures.

What is the first step the speaker recommends in addressing conflict?

The first step the speaker recommends is to rule out the possibility that a single dysfunctional individual, such as a bully or someone who is incompetent, is the source of the conflict.

Why does the speaker suggest interviewing people experiencing events on the ground rather than those in control?

The speaker suggests interviewing those experiencing events on the ground because they are closer to the real action and can provide a more accurate and comprehensive understanding of the situation.

What is the importance of aligning everyone's understanding of goals and responsibilities in resolving conflict?

Aligning everyone's understanding of goals and responsibilities is crucial because it prevents disagreements and conflicts that arise from misunderstandings about who has the authority and responsibility for certain decisions and actions.

Why is it necessary to find allies at all levels of the organization to implement change?

Finding allies at all levels is necessary because it ensures a critical mass of participation, which is essential for substantial change to occur and for the resolution of conflict to be effective.

What is 'lizard listening' and why is it important in managing conflict?

'Lizard listening' is a technique that encourages individuals to consider how their words may be interpreted by the emotional, 'lizard brain' of their counterpart in conflict. It helps to prevent misunderstandings and promote more positive communication.

What is the 'evil-logic check' and how does it help in understanding the behavior of others in conflict?

The 'evil-logic check' is a method where individuals are asked if they truly believe their counterpart is evil. This helps them to reconsider their perception of the other person's actions and understand that behaviors may stem from pressure, fear, or threat rather than inherent evilness.

What are 'elephant cards' and how do they facilitate communication in conflict resolution?

'Elephant cards' are a tool used to bring up important but uncomfortable topics in a conflict resolution setting. They allow individuals to put 'undiscussable' subjects on the table, promoting open and honest communication.

Why is it unrealistic to blame individuals for conflict when there are underlying structural issues?

Blaming individuals is unrealistic because they are often just the visible part of the problem, while the deeper issues lie in the organizational structures and processes that influence behavior and interactions.

What does the speaker suggest as an alternative to simplistic interpersonal solutions like communication training?

The speaker suggests that instead of simplistic solutions, it's important to excavate and understand the underlying structures contributing to the conflict, and then work on resolving the human conflict that builds on top of these structures.

Outlines

00:00

😐 Conflict Beyond Personal Annoyance

The speaker begins by challenging the common perception of conflict as merely a personal issue. They argue that while people are often the most visible aspect of conflict, they are not the root cause. Drawing from nearly three decades of experience, the speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding the underlying structures contributing to conflict within various organizational settings. They introduce a case study involving two executives, Amy and Bill, to illustrate that conflicts often stem from deeper, systemic issues rather than individual annoyances.

05:02

🔍 Digging Deeper into Conflict Resolution

This paragraph delves into the process of resolving conflict by looking beyond the surface. The speaker suggests that simplistic solutions like communication training are insufficient. Instead, they propose a five-step approach to address the root causes of conflict. The first step involves identifying if a single dysfunctional individual is the source of the conflict. The second step is to ask the right questions to those who are directly involved in the situation, as they can provide a more comprehensive understanding of the underlying issues. The speaker also highlights the importance of aligning everyone's understanding of goals and responsibilities to prevent misinterpretations and disagreements.

10:03

🤝 Building Alliances for Change

Continuing the discussion on conflict resolution, the speaker moves on to the third and fourth steps: ensuring alignment and finding allies at all organizational levels. They stress the importance of having a unified understanding of goals and means, using a client's example where overlapping responsibilities led to a year-long conflict. The speaker also shares the story of mid-level managers who, despite the executive team's conflict, worked together to find practical solutions and improve performance. This highlights the power of building alliances to drive change and resolve conflicts effectively.

15:10

🛠️ Teaching New Habits for Conflict Management

In the final step of the conflict resolution process, the speaker focuses on teaching new habits to manage differences effectively. They introduce several techniques, such as 'lizard listening' to help individuals understand and respond to emotional cues without immediate reaction. The 'evil-logic check' encourages reevaluation of negative perceptions about others, fostering a more compassionate approach. The use of 'elephant cards' is suggested as a tool to address uncomfortable but important topics openly. These habits aim to equip people with better communication skills to navigate conflicts constructively.

🌟 Uncovering the Essence of Conflict for Collective Success

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of uncovering and understanding the true underlying causes of conflict. They acknowledge the difficulty of the process, which requires courage, commitment, humor, and effort. However, they argue that this approach is essential for improving the functionality of schools, workplaces, and civic organizations. By addressing the root causes of conflict, we can enable people to make meaningful contributions and work together successfully for mutual benefit.

Keywords

💡Conflict

Conflict, in this video, is presented as a complex issue that arises not just from interpersonal interactions, but also from underlying organizational structures. It is defined as a struggle or disagreement between parties, often seen in the workplace. The video's theme revolves around understanding and resolving conflict by examining its root causes rather than focusing solely on the individuals involved, as depicted in the story of Amy and Bill.

💡Dysfunctional Individual

A dysfunctional individual, as mentioned in the script, refers to a person who negatively impacts the environment, such as a bully or someone who is incompetent. The video suggests that before addressing conflict, it's important to identify if a single person is the source of the problem. This concept is integral to the first step of the speaker's proposed conflict resolution process.

💡Communication Problem

The term 'communication problem' is initially used by the CEO to describe the conflict between Amy and Bill. However, the video emphasizes that this label may be superficial, as the real issues often lie in deeper structural or systemic problems within the organization, rather than just in the way people talk to each other.

💡Departmental Opinions

Departmental opinions represent the differing views within various departments of a company regarding how work should be conducted. In the script, Amy and Bill's conflict is partly attributed to such differences, which are based on their beliefs about their respective roles within the company.

💡Embedded Structures

Embedded structures refer to the deep-seated elements within an organization, such as company history, cultural norms, work processes, and procedures. The video illustrates that these structures are often the real cause of conflicts, as they shape the environment in which interpersonal conflicts occur.

💡Alignment

Alignment, in the context of the video, means ensuring that all parties have a consistent understanding of goals, responsibilities, and roles. The script provides an example where misalignment led to conflict between two executives, highlighting the importance of clear alignment in resolving disputes.

💡Allies

Allies are individuals at various levels within an organization who can support and help implement changes to resolve conflict. The video emphasizes the importance of having a critical mass of participation and the role of mid-level managers as allies in creating better organizational performance and behavior.

💡Evil-Logic Check

The 'evil-logic check' is a technique mentioned in the script to challenge the immediate negative perception of someone causing conflict. It prompts individuals to reconsider their assumptions and explore the reasons behind a person's actions, potentially leading to a better understanding and resolution of the conflict.

💡Elephant Cards

Elephant Cards are a tool introduced in the video for addressing uncomfortable truths or 'elephants in the room' during conflict resolution. They provide a mechanism for individuals to bring up sensitive issues that might otherwise remain unspoken, thus facilitating open and honest communication.

💡Lizard Listening

Lizard listening is a concept that encourages individuals to be mindful of how their words may be perceived emotionally by others, particularly through the 'lizard brain' or amygdala, which reacts to emotional cues as if they were physical threats. This technique is aimed at improving communication during conflict by reframing messages to be more persuasive and less likely to trigger a negative response.

💡Change Implementation

Change implementation is the process of putting into practice the strategies and solutions identified to resolve conflict. The video underscores the importance of having allies and a collective effort to make substantial changes within an organization, which is essential for successful conflict resolution.

Highlights

Conflict is often seen as an interpersonal issue, but it's just the most visible part of a larger problem.

The mistaken belief that conflict would disappear if people would just work things out can perpetuate the problem.

Conflict resolution requires examining underlying structures such as company history, cultural norms, and work processes.

Individuals are often blamed for conflict, but they are only the tip of the iceberg in a system of deeper embedded structures.

Simplistic solutions like communication training are insufficient for resolving deep-seated conflicts.

Five steps are introduced to address and resolve conflicts effectively.

The first step is to rule out if a single dysfunctional individual is the source of the conflict.

Bullies and incompetent individuals can be genuine sources of workplace conflict.

Asking the right people the right questions is crucial for understanding the conflict's root causes.

Interviewing those closest to the events provides a more accurate picture of the conflict dynamics.

Alignment on goals, responsibilities, and decision-making processes is essential for conflict resolution.

Overlapping responsibilities can lead to conflict, as seen in a client's executive team.

Finding allies at all levels of the organization is necessary for implementing change and resolving conflict.

Teach new habits for managing differences to address interpersonal communication problems.

Techniques like 'lizard listening' help in managing emotional responses during conflict.

The 'evil-logic check' encourages reevaluating perceptions of annoying colleagues.

Elephant cards are a tool for discussing uncomfortable but important topics within a team.

Working through the five steps to resolve conflict is challenging and requires courage, commitment, and effort.

Uncovering the underlying causes of conflict is key to helping organizations and individuals function better.

Transcripts

Translator: Johannes Duschner Reviewer: Mirjana Čutura

We usually think of conflict as something that happens between people.

After all, who's there when things go wrong?

People.

And people can be very annoying.

(Laughter)

But they're really just the part of the story that's easiest to see.

In almost 30 years of working with employees at every level,

from warehouse associates and service reps to CEOs,

I've seen over and over what happens

when we hold the mistaken belief that conflict would not exist

if those annoying people would just get themselves together

and work things out.

Unfortunately, when we operate out of that belief,

we tend to say and do things that cause conflict to persist

and to create even more damage

to both organizations and the people in them.

And that's true

whether we're talking about businesses or non-profits, schools, even families,

and entire societies.

If we want to solve conflict,

we've got to do some digging.

We have to look at the structures that lie underneath the conflict,

and I am going to give you an example

and then five steps that you can take to fix conflict wherever you are.

So, a couple of years ago,

a CEO brought me in to work with two senior executives.

I'll call them Amy and Bill.

And they were locked in a serious conflict.

And the CEO described it to me as a communication problem,

and it looked something like this.

Now, I interviewed Amy and Bill, and they told me a different story.

From their description, the conflict actually looked more like this.

They didn't see it as a communication problem.

They saw it as differences in departmental opinions

about how the work should be done in the company,

based on their beliefs about each other's functional roles.

But then I interviewed Bill and Amy's team members

and other people in the organization.

And it turned out that the situation really looked like this.

You can see that underneath what looked sort of like a person-to-person-conflict

or a departmental conflict,

we have these deeply embedded structures,

including everything from company history

and cultural norms to work processes and procedures.

It seems unrealistic to blame individuals

and to treat them as if they have sole responsibility for conflict,

when as you can see, they're really only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

And it also seems unrealistic to think

that we can come up with simplistic, interpersonal solutions

like sending Amy and Bill off to communication training

or even to anger management classes.

No, we have to excavate what's under the conflict

and bring it out into the open

so that we can analyze, understand,

and begin to resolve the human conflict that's building on the top.

And now, I am going to give you five steps so you can do just that wherever you are.

Step one:

We need to rule out the unfortunate possibility

that a single dysfunctional individual is actually the source of conflict.

I don't mean somebody who makes mistakes.

I mean someone who's really a danger.

In organizations, a common example of this is someone who's a bully.

Bullies don't have the self-awareness

to recognize when they're hurting other people,

and it's very hard for them to give up whatever kinds of nasty behavior

they believe has worked for them in the past.

A second common example of the kind of dysfunctional person

who can truly be the source of conflict

is someone who's an incompetent.

They create a lot of mess.

They sometimes fake their way into a job,

and in other cases, you may have seen people promoted beyond their capability.

Now, the lucky thing about workplace conflict

is that it's completely legitimate and appropriate

to screen out dysfunctional individuals

or to deal with them through a combination of coaching,

counseling, and corrective action.

So once you have dealt with or screened out your dysfunctional person,

you can go on to step two.

And that's asking the right people the right questions.

You might think that you should start with the folks who are in control,

the people who have power and status,

but it doesn't work because they're not close enough to the real action.

Instead, you need to interview the people who are experiencing events on the ground.

And you need a full range of their opinions

because even though they'll try to give you their honest opinion,

each one by its very nature is incomplete

because they're bounded by their individual experiences

and their perceptions.

So you need a broad range of views, and that permits you,

when you have the full picture,

to start to see the patterns and dynamics operating underneath.

And what kind of questions can you ask?

Here are some that I like to use:

Can you tell me what goes right here?

What's the thing that whenever it happens, it makes you nuts?

Is there something that would help you do your job better?

Why do you stay if it sounds like there are so many problems here?

So let me recap:

We rule out the dysfunctional individual,

and then we ask the right people the right questions,

and that lets us go on to step three.

And that's making sure that everyone is aligned,

that they have a consistent understanding of what the goals are,

who's responsible for which decisions,

and who does what to whom.

You would be amazed at

how many sincere, well-meaning people can have deep disagreements

about goals and means,

including fairly obvious things like who has budget authority

and who has responsibility for which decisions

and who can take credit for success.

An example: At one of my client's,

a senior leader assigned overlapping responsibility

for the same turf to two different executives.

These two execs and their teams

fought for an entire year over who got to call which shots

and who was going to take the blame for declining performance results.

The human resources group came in,

tried to facilitate a truce, encourage a better behavior.

But until the senior leader left

and the overlapping assignments came fully to light

and were completely redefined,

there was no change.

Because it's very hard to think

that just a little good behavior, pleasantness, trying harder

is going to make a difference

when you have two different sets of feet standing in the same space.

The fourth step is to find allies at all levels in the organization

to help you implement the change.

Because even if you've ruled out the dysfunctional individuals,

and you've asked the right people the right questions,

and you've aligned around the goals and the means,

if you don't have a critical mass of participation,

nothing substantial is going to happen.

At one of my client's,

there was a persistent conflict in the executive team itself.

I was facilitating a group of mid-level managers,

and these people really needed to get their work done.

So they were willing to work on concrete, practical solutions together

in ways that their bosses were not.

Over time, we were able to build bridges across the various departments.

These allies communicated the concepts down to their teams,

and eventually, they were able to start managing up

in ways that created better performance, better productivity,

and definitely better behavior even within the executive team.

And the fifth step:

Teach new habits for managing differences.

I've talked about the problems with structures

and how you have to recognize them and what their impact can be.

But from time to time,

people do have significant interpersonal communication problems.

So it only makes sense to teach some new techniques and habits

that can help people deal with the strong feelings

and the stressful thinking that conflict brings with it.

Here are just a few of the habits I teach my clients.

The first one is called "lizard listening."

I remind clients that our amygdala, our ancient lizard brain,

interprets emotional cues as if they were present physical danger

even before we have a chance to assess what's going on

or interpret them logically.

I encourage them to reconsider what they've just said

or are planning to say to their counterpart in conflict,

and to think about what will happen

when that counterpart filters the conversation

through their lizard brain,

what misconceptions could come up - inaccurate, negative beliefs -

what could be misconstrued - even perfectly good intentions -

are there ways to reframe those negatives

so that the next conversation can be more persuasive and more positive?

Then we have the evil-logic check.

When somebody bothers us, we tend to think of them as a bad person.

So when clients complain about the bad people they work with,

I ask them specifically if they think their counterpart is evil.

And that's the word I use because it's so strong.

No, no, they have to step back.

"She's not really evil; she's just annoying."

So then I press a little bit further,

and I ask, Why would a smart person do such a stupid thing?

This leading question helps people reconsider

what's really going on with that annoying person.

And sometimes,

in addition to the alternative explanations for what they meant,

they can even develop some compassion for the annoying person's situation

because after all, when we label behavior as bad and stupid,

it is usually coming from some form of pressure, fear, or threat.

And then my favorite are these elephant cards.

Sometimes, there is something important and true that needs to be said,

but it's too uncomfortable.

Most of us don't want to be the one to put someone on the spot.

We don't like to say something that sounds unkind.

It can feel like a real risk to put undiscussable subjects on the table.

I distribute these elephant cards at my facilitations.

When there's something important going unsaid,

anybody in the room can play an elephant card.

I have clients who are doing this years later.

The very act of playing the card

raises the possibility with other people who understand the significance

that you can discuss topics

which previously would have been impermissible.

Okay.

So, we have ruled out dysfunctional individuals,

we've asked the right people the right questions,

we've ensured that we have alignment,

we've looked for allies to help us implement the change,

and we've taught some specific techniques,

so people feel that they have a better way to communicate with each other.

Now, let me tell you: Working through these five steps, it's not easy.

It takes courage and commitment.

It takes a little humor,

and it takes a heap of effort to get traction on persistent conflict.

But if we are ever going to help our schools, our workplaces,

and our civic organizations function better,

if we want to help people make the real contribution that they can,

we have to uncover and understand

what's truly underneath any conflict in any situation.

Then we can help people work together successfully

for everyone's benefit wherever we are.

Thank you.

(Applause)