You Don’t Want Love—You Want to Be Picked So You Feel Worthy

Summary

This transcript explores the idea that many people seek validation and emotional safety through relationships rather than genuine love. It reveals how early childhood experiences and emotional wounds shape the desire to be chosen, leading individuals to chase unavailable partners in an attempt to prove their worth. The script emphasizes that true love is not about performance or proving oneself but about being accepted for who you are. It calls for healing by letting go of validation-seeking behaviors, choosing peace over chaos, and learning to love oneself without external approval.

Takeaways

• 😀 You don’t need to chase validation; real love is about being seen and loved for who you are, not for what you do or perform.
• 😀 Many people confuse love with being chosen, mistaking emotional unavailability for attraction or chemistry.
• 😀 The belief that ‘to be chosen is to be safe’ and ‘to be desired is to be valuable’ is a dangerous internalized equation that often leads to self-doubt and unhealthy relationships.
• 😀 Real love is steady and quiet; it doesn't trigger anxiety or make you prove your worth constantly.
• 😀 Childhood experiences, like needing to earn a caregiver's love or praise, often shape the desire for validation in adulthood.
• 😀 You might be addicted to the performance of love and chasing unavailable people rather than embracing real, steady love.
• 😀 The core fear behind seeking validation is the belief that if you're not impressive, you won't be loved or seen.
• 😀 True healing comes when you stop trying to be ‘exceptional’ and instead allow yourself to be ordinary, real, and vulnerable.
• 😀 To heal, you must grieve the parts of you that believed you had to be perfect or perform to be loved.
• 😀 Love should not be a reward system. Stop auditioning for love and start accepting yourself, flaws and all.
• 😀 Healing comes when you learn to be loved on your average days and stop tying your worth to external validation from others.

Q & A

What is the main message of the script?

The main message of the script is about recognizing and healing the need for validation and approval from others, particularly in relationships. It encourages moving away from performance-based love and embracing genuine, steady love that doesn't require earning or proving worth.

What does the speaker say about the need to be chosen in relationships?

The speaker suggests that the desire to be chosen stems from an internalized belief that being chosen equals safety, value, and worth. This need is rooted in past experiences where love and attention were conditional, leading to an ongoing need for validation in adulthood.

How does the speaker describe 'real love'?

Real love is described as quiet, steady, emotionally secure, and not triggering feelings of anxiety or insecurity. Unlike performance-based love, it doesn't make you prove anything, and it feels like home rather than conquest.

What is the difference between chasing unavailable people and experiencing true love?

Chasing unavailable people is driven by the desire to prove one's worth, believing that the more difficult the person is to earn, the more valuable one must be. True love, on the other hand, doesn't require this performance and is grounded in mutual respect and security.

How does the speaker recommend healing from this pattern of seeking validation?

The speaker recommends grieving the parts of yourself that have been shaped by the need for approval, unlearning the performance-based approach to love, and starting to choose yourself. This involves embracing ordinary moments and allowing yourself to be seen without performing or seeking external validation.

What role does grief play in the healing process?

Grief is an essential part of healing because it allows you to mourn the parts of yourself that were shaped by the need for validation and approval. It helps you process the emotional wounds of believing you had to be perfect to be loved.

What does the speaker mean by 'performance addiction'?

Performance addiction refers to the compulsive need to prove one's worth through actions, appearances, or pleasing others. This can manifest in relationships, where the individual feels the need to constantly perform to earn love, rather than simply being loved for who they are.

How does the speaker suggest one can stop chasing people who make them feel small?

The speaker suggests stopping the pattern of chasing people who make you feel small by recognizing that confusion is not connection, and by choosing to engage with people who make you feel valued and secure, instead of needing to impress or earn their attention.

What does it mean to 'choose yourself'?

To 'choose yourself' means to prioritize your own well-being, self-worth, and emotional needs over seeking validation from others. It involves accepting yourself as you are, without needing to perform or be someone you're not to be loved or accepted.

How does the script explain the fear of being 'truly known'?

The script explains that the fear of being truly known stems from the belief that if someone sees the real you, without the sparkle or performance, they may not stay. This fear is linked to past experiences where love was conditional, and the belief that you need to be impressive to be worthy of love.