The cult you don’t know you’re in | Rose Owen | TEDxAberdeen

Summary

In this deeply personal story, the speaker recounts her experience of being drawn into a cult-like personal development program, exploring the subtle stages of manipulation, isolation, and control. Initially seeking help for anxiety, she unwittingly becomes part of a group that alters her sense of self. After years of questioning and self-deception, a conversation with her sister plants a seed of doubt, leading to her eventual realization and escape. The speaker shares her journey of rebuilding a more resilient identity, built on multiple sources of strength, rather than one fragile belief, emphasizing the importance of awareness and flexibility in maintaining personal growth and freedom.

Takeaways

• 😀 Cults are not always what we think they are—many don't fit the sensationalized movie stereotype, and they can exist in everyday settings like workplaces or social media.
• 😀 Emotional manipulation, such as 'love bombing,' is a common tactic used in cults to draw people in and make them feel loved and validated.
• 😀 Isolation is another key tactic. Cults create a sense of separation from outside influences, often through language manipulation and changing one's worldview.
• 😀 The ultimate control in cults is psychological, not physical. The withholding of love and validation is used as a tool to make individuals conform to group expectations.
• 😀 The speaker's journey of self-discovery began with a therapy program that became more cult-like over time, leading them deeper into the group's control.
• 😀 At the height of the manipulation, the speaker found themselves working for the group without compensation, believing it was for personal growth, but realizing they were being exploited.
• 😀 The speaker learned that cults can exist even in more subtle forms, like toxic workplace cultures or politically extreme ideologies, and they can impact anyone vulnerable or seeking belonging.
• 😀 A crucial turning point came when the speaker's sister identified the group as a cult during a Christmas dinner, planting a seed of doubt that eventually led to their escape.
• 😀 True resilience doesn't come from a fragile, single-minded identity; instead, it's built through a flexible, multifaceted sense of self that can bounce back from adversity.
• 😀 The speaker found freedom by rebuilding their identity with many sources of meaning, such as their passion for sport, family, creativity, and community involvement, not just focusing on one aspect of themselves.
• 😀 The story encourages others to be aware of subtle manipulation and isolation in their own lives, to check in with themselves and their communities, and to help others escape toxic dynamics.

Q & A

Why did the speaker cycle to Aberdine's Cults area?

The speaker cycled to Aberdine's Cults area to take a selfie with a sign marking the location, which she had previously mentioned to her friends. The name 'Cults' had a humorous and ironic connection for her group, as they had recently learned the darker meaning behind the word 'cult'.

How does the speaker describe the nature of abusive relationships?

The speaker describes abusive relationships as cult-like, emphasizing the subtle dynamics of manipulation, isolation, and control that define such relationships. These characteristics are not always obvious and can manifest in various forms, from romantic to professional settings.

What is the key reason the speaker’s friends found her journey to Cults humorous?

The humor stemmed from the fact that the speaker had warned her friends about the name 'Cults' before, but they did not believe her. Upon discovering it was a real place with connections to terms like 'Cults Hotel' and 'Cults Academy', it became a source of amusement.

How did the speaker’s German friend, Sophia, react to the concept of 'Cults'?

Sophia, the speaker's German friend, responded to the idea of 'Cults' by making a poignant remark: 'I wish all abusive relationships came with a sign like this.' This comment deeply resonated with the speaker, highlighting the real harm of abusive dynamics that had been normalized within the group.

What was the initial experience that led the speaker into a personal development program?

The speaker began by seeking therapy to address anxiety, where she was introduced to mindfulness and emotional tools. Eventually, this led to participation in workshops, retreats, and training programs, which were part of the same personal development organization.

What manipulative tactic did the speaker identify within the personal development program?

The speaker identified 'love bombing' as a manipulative tactic used in the program, where individuals were showered with affection and attention, making them feel special and emotionally bonded to the group, which encouraged continued participation.

How did the personal development group use isolation as a tactic?

The group used isolation by encouraging members to adopt a coded language that distanced them from people outside the group. This created an 'us versus them' mentality, subtly separating individuals from their family and friends.

What was the psychological control method used by the personal development group?

The psychological control was rooted in the withholding of affection or validation from the group if members didn't conform to the expected behaviors. This created a cycle where members felt compelled to comply to regain the approval and connection they had been made dependent on.

What insight did the speaker have about resilience after leaving the cult-like group?

The speaker realized that true resilience does not come from a singular, rigid sense of self (symbolized by one rubber band) but from a flexible, multifaceted identity (symbolized by multiple rubber bands), which can adapt to challenges and prevent emotional breakdown when pressure is applied.

How did the speaker’s family react when they realized she was involved in a cult-like organization?

The speaker's family, particularly her sister, expressed concern about her involvement, with her sister gently suggesting that the speaker was in a cult. This was initially met with defensiveness, but the suggestion planted a seed of doubt that eventually led to the speaker questioning the organization’s influence over her.