"If they wanted to they would" is HORRIBLE ADVICE!!! ⚠️

Summary

In this video, the speaker discusses why the phrase 'if he wanted to, he would' is harmful and oversimplifies human behavior in relationships. The speaker argues that attachment styles, mental health, fear, and personal circumstances all influence actions, especially in love. Rather than relying on such a phrase, the speaker advocates for understanding complexity, practicing empathy, and focusing on communication. They emphasize that people’s actions cannot always be predicted by simple sayings, and that sometimes the best course is to find someone who can meet your needs, rather than trying to change others who are unable to show up in the way you need.

Takeaways

• 😀 The phrase 'If he wanted to, he would' oversimplifies human behavior, ignoring the complexities of attachment styles, mental health, and personal circumstances.
• 😀 People with different attachment styles (e.g., avoidant or anxious) may act in ways that aren't reflective of their true feelings, making the phrase misleading.
• 😀 Fear and vulnerability often prevent people from taking actions they want to take in relationships, even when they deeply care about someone.
• 😀 Mental health struggles can affect someone's ability to show up emotionally in a relationship, and it's essential to acknowledge this when interpreting their actions.
• 😀 The phrase 'If he wanted to, he would' can lead to feelings of inadequacy, making individuals feel unworthy when someone doesn’t meet their emotional needs.
• 😀 Human behavior cannot be boiled down to simplistic advice, as every person’s experiences, upbringing, and mental state influence their actions in relationships.
• 😀 Attachment theory plays a crucial role in understanding relationship dynamics and why people may withdraw or struggle to express love.
• 😀 It's important to communicate openly and empathetically in relationships, rather than assuming someone’s intentions based on their actions or inactions.
• 😀 People have different love languages and emotional needs, which may not align perfectly with those of others, requiring understanding and compromise.
• 😀 Instead of relying on overgeneralized advice, it's better to observe patterns over time and have honest conversations to understand where someone stands in a relationship.

Q & A

What is the main critique of the phrase 'If he wanted to, he would'?

The speaker criticizes the phrase for oversimplifying human behavior, ignoring the complexities of attachment styles, mental health, upbringing, and individual circumstances. It suggests that someone's actions are always a direct reflection of their desires, which is not true.

How does attachment style influence someone's actions in a relationship?

Attachment styles, such as avoidant or anxious, shape how people behave in relationships. For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style might withdraw or not show up for their partner, not because they don't care, but because they have difficulty handling emotional closeness.

Why does the speaker believe 'If he wanted to, he would' can be harmful advice?

This advice simplifies complex human behavior and can lead to feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. It encourages individuals to assume they are not good enough or lovable when their partner doesn't act in the expected way.

How can mental health affect someone's ability to show up in a relationship?

Mental health struggles can prevent someone from showing up emotionally in a relationship. For example, if someone is dealing with depression or anxiety, they might not have the emotional capacity to fulfill their partner's needs, even if they care deeply.

What role does fear play in people's actions within relationships?

Fear often prevents people from taking actions they might want to take. Fear of rejection, failure, or emotional pain can hold someone back from reaching out or making the moves they feel they should, even if they care about their partner.

What is the significance of understanding different love languages in relationships?

Understanding love languages is essential because people express and receive love in different ways. For example, one person may value acts of service, while another might value gifts or words of affirmation. Misunderstanding these differences can lead to miscommunication and feelings of being unloved.

Why does the speaker believe communication is key in relationships?

Communication helps to bridge misunderstandings and clear up assumptions. It allows partners to express their needs and feelings, which is essential for maintaining a healthy and empathetic relationship.

How does the speaker's personal experience illustrate the complexity of relationships?

The speaker reflects on a time when they wanted to reach out to someone but refrained due to fear and emotional complications. This shows that people often have conflicting emotions and fears that prevent them from acting, even when they deeply care for someone.

What does the speaker say about people's upbringing and its effect on their relationship behaviors?

The speaker explains that someone's upbringing, especially in emotionally neglectful or abusive environments, can shape how they express love and affection. This can make it difficult for them to meet their partner's needs, even if they want to.

When is the phrase 'If they wanted to, they would' actually applicable, according to the speaker?

The speaker believes this phrase is applicable when someone is not capable of showing up for you in the way you need, and after understanding their behavior patterns over time, you realize they cannot meet your emotional needs.